Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Crazy

A/N: This is a first person account of Captain Janeway's year when she meets the mirror Voyager.  (After Voyager but before Nemesis…somewhere in 2378)

Chapter One

The Poor Captain's Plight

"Warp speed ahead." I groaned, and got off the seat. "Chakotay, in my ready room."

Chakotay followed me. "Um Captain…"

I turned. "Yes, Commander?"

"Never mind."

I opened the door and sat in my seat. "Now, Chakotay."

"Now what?"

"Why are you blushing in my presence? Like, right now."

"Um…" He looked at his boots. "Because I love you, Kathryn!"

I laughed. "Okay, Chakotay, get on with the real reason."

"No, really, I love you." He came up to me and kissed me on the lips, then let go.

"Wow." I pulled him down and kissed him again.

"Bridge to the Captain."

I let go, tapping the badge. "Go ahead."

"There's something on sensors-three unknown ships."

"Coming." I looked at Chakotay. "Holodeck One at 1900 hours."

"Of course."

I walked into the bridge, and heard some stifling chuckles. "What?" I sat in my seat, and heard a squelch. Everybody started laughing, except for Tuvok, who was only raising an eyebrow. I stood up and turned, running my hand over my seat, taking off a circular object painted black. "Damn it, who put this on my seat?"

Paris was looking up, and I threw it at him, hitting him square in the face. "Mister Paris, out! Out, out, out!"

"Alright, already, Ice Queen." He went to the hall, and I sat down, smiling. "Anything on sensors?"

"Nothing," Kim said.

I sipped my coffee then spat it out. "What the hell did you put in here?!" I sniffed it. "Gravy?" I put it in the replicator. "Coffee, Black!"

The cup came out, but it was empty. "You fucking replicator!" I kicked it hard until the paneling was dented and I was satisfied. "Janeway to Torres, fix the replicator for me."

"On it!"

I stomped back to my seat. "What now, Voyager? Are you going to crash into a planet? Blow up? Come on, I dare you!" I yelled.

"Captain, calm down," Chakotay said. I glared at him.

"Don't tell me what to do, Tattoo Boy."

"But Captain-"

"You're dismissed."

"Captain-"

"Dismissed, Chakotay."

Then the ship rocked, and I fell into his lap, then on the floor. "What's happening?!"

"Systems Failure. Abandon ship."

I was having a bad day. What the hell was wrong with this ship today?

A portal opened in front of us, and a ship plowed into us, sending all of us spinning into the surface, and we bounced off the surface and skidded to a stop.

"They're hailing us!" Kim said.

"Open the channel."

I saw…myself facing me, but she was wearing armor and lots of weapons on her belt. "Oh no, not the mirror universe. What is wrong with this picture?"

"I'm Intendant Janeway of the Sol system. I command you to surrender your ship and weapons to me."

"Oh I'm scared! Ha! I'm Captain Janeway of the Federation, and I say I'll rather eat Neelix's cooking before I surrender."

"I would like to see that, Janeway."

"Go right ahead, beam here and you'll see the truth."

She beamed in front of me and pointed a phaser at me. "Now!"

"Hold on, I'll get it." I backed up and went to the turbolift. "So, Intendant Janeway, what's up?"

She glared at me. "Don't speak to me."

"We're equals." I smiled. "Come on."

"I was supposed to receive more dilithium and inspect the mining centers on Mars, but I ended up here. Happy?"

The turbolift doors opened, and we got off, her phaser still pointed at me. I went to the mess and went to the counter. "Neelix?"

He popped up and yelped. "Which one of you is Janeway?"

"I am," we both said.

"Captain Janeway."

I grinned. "That's me. Now, what's for lunch?"

"My soufflé or my steak, your choice."

"The soufflé, please."

He handed it to me. "Bon appétit."

"Thanks." I sat at the table. "Well, here goes…"

The doors opened, and Chakotay came in. "Captain?"

I looked up. "Oh no, you invited the whole crew…"

The rushed in, and watched me. I started scooping it up, and flicked it towards Chakotay. "FOOD FIGHT!"

Intendant Janeway was gaping at my move, and tried to shoot us, but her weapons got covered in food.

"Kathryn…"

I turned, and Chakotay slammed a pie in my face.

"Hey, Janeway, take this!" The Intendant threw her food at me, and I got Neelix's cream pie and threw it at her.

The mirror Voyager's crew came in and started shooting, but they joined in after their weapons stop firing.

I got up on a table and yelled, "Stop! Have you all gone mad?"

Everybody threw food at me.

"Hey, " Kim yelled. "Is that flan?"

"Flan!" They chased after it.

The doors opened. "What's going on?" Paris was rubbing his eyes then did it again. "Captain, Captain, and Commander, what?"

"Um, Paris, this is Intendant Janeway. I'm the Captain."

"Wow…can I treat you to dinner, Intendant?"

She slapped him.