INSANITY AT ITS WORST
Mouses smiled maliciously as the Baker Street Family was strapped into the overkill trap.
As Dawson was being tied down by Basil in the same spot he usually occupied, he grumbled in irritation, "Why can't Mouses Fiennes make up new ways for us to die!"
Basil silently mimicked Mouses as the criminal genius smirked, "Because repetition is the key to success."
Mouses gave Basil a dirty stare, seeing if the detective was smarting off.
Basil actually was, in fact, making fun of Mouses, but his innocent stare threw Mouses off.
The Master Of Evil adjusted his cravat, then barked, "Agent 001, start the record!"
An irritated Agent 001 climbed up the staircase to the big phonograph, then adjusted the needle, as he grumbled grumpily, "You don't pay me enough to do this job."
Agent 001 then jumped off the record player, & landed by Mouses.
Mouses was just about to relish in the smug, repetitive words of "Farewell, So Soon"...
...but instead, his ears perked up to the sound of a jaunty jazz tune.
Mouses fumed crossly, "Agent 001, that's not the record I wanted you to play!"
Agent 001 smiled smugly at his master, as he smirked, "Sorry, Master, but 'Farewell, So Soon' is a little TOO repetitive for my tastes."
Mouses sighed in exasperation, slapping his aching forehead.
In a matter of moments, Agent 001 had left, & was now steering Mouses' pink dirigible.
Mouses' green-&-gold eyes went up in shock. "Agent 001, you're not supposed to steer the dirigible! I am!"
Agent 001 smirked again, "Sorry, Master, but I'm going to take the balloon by the helm, for once in my lifetime!"
Mouses gritted his teeth in rage, but before he could release any oaths, Agent 001 had picked him up (without any effort) & placed him in the cockpit of the airship.
As Mouses & Agent 001 flew off, leaving the Baker Street Family behind to die, Mouses shouted angrily at Agent 001, "Methodist!"
Agent 001 corrected, "I'm not a Methodist, I'm an Orthodox Jew!"
After Agent 001 & Mouses had left, the Baker Street Family was still lying in the overkill trap.
Basil, however, was not in a depressed state this time.
With a haughty look on his face, Basil said, "If Mouses keeps using the same ways to kill us, then we have to use the same ways of escaping!"
The jaunty jazz tune came to a close, then the record stopped spinning...
...tipping the wine glass, releasing the ball...
...which slid down the same old chute...
Basil barked, "Dawson, children, everyone, you all know what to do!"
As Dawson placed his hand by Basil's on the trigger of their mousetrap, the good doctor moaned, "This is exactly why I want Mouses to find new ways to kill us."
The ball came down, & everyone pressed their triggers at the same time.
The ball got caught in the mousetrap spring, making it wiggle & jiggle...
...until it snapped off its pin, making the gun shoot off...
...releasing a bullet, which broke through the axe...
...which spun wildly in the air, before chopping all the mousetraps in half...
...thus freeing the Baker Street Family, who immediately ran for cover as the anvil came down & smashed to the ground in the same spot, making the ground shake.
As soon as everyone had gotten their bearings, Basil grabbed his family, & posed with them in a group hug. "Smile, everyone!"
A camera's flash went off.
Dawson grumbled, "Must we do this every time!"
Basil chirped cheerily, "Well, look at it this way. We have it in color."
Meanwhile, Agent 001 was in the outside world, steering the airship like crazy.
Mouses Fiennes was screaming his lungs out as the dirigible gained speed.
As he pedalled & drove the flying machine, Agent 001 laughed maniacally, & cheered crazily, "From this day forth, I, Sergei Andrei Alexei Korsmakoff, am to be my own mouse!"
Mouses could do nothing but continue to scream, this time in rage, as he held on tight.
Agent 001 swooped sharply in a steep dive, & the dirigible dipped downward.
The Russian rogue then pedalled for the Rat Trap Family Restaurant.
Agent 001 hopped out of the airship, as Mouses regained composure from the wild ride he had just endured.
As Agent 001 walked into the restaurant, Mouses made an attempt to follow his thug.
The Russian rogue held out a paw. "No, Mouses, you stay there, & die in the heat of the sun."
As Agent 001 entered the restaurant, he gave a nasty, sardonic laugh.
In the Rat Trap Family Restaurant, things were going on as they usually did.
Evelyn was helping the other waitresses serve tables, cook food, take the patrons' orders, & clean up.
Auburn was cleaning a glass of leftover chocolate shake, as he chatted with some of the adult customers.
The children who were eating there were talking, coloring their placemats, watching the entertainment, & just having a good time.
Don The Pianist & the Rat Trap Band were playing a catchy show tune, as Miss Kitty, Bridget, & Sheena were singing & dancing on stage, performing a song their mother once sang...
A tisket, a tasket,
A green-&-yellow basket
I wrote a letter to my mom
And on the way I lost it...
After the Lornes had finished their song, Bridget & Sheena curtsied gracefully, while Miss Kitty bowed boldly before the audience.
The adults applauded & the children cheered at the Lorne Sisters, just as the curtains began to close.
Backstage, Miss Kitty, Bridget, & Sheena were going back to their dressing room to change for their next act.
As they went over to their room, they passed Jiggy The Juggling Octopus, who was just about to go on stage.
Jiggy, an anxious look on his face, extended a tentacle, & brought Miss Kitty over to him.
Miss Kitty asked in concern, "Jiggy, what's wrong? You look paler than Mother in rouge!"
Jiggy nervously whispered into Kitty's ear, "Um, Kitty, I don't know if I can go out there..."
Miss Kitty just said supportively, "Jiggy, you know better than to talk like that. C'mon, the kids love you! They cheer you on, not like the old sailors who booed at you, & swore at you, & threw knives at you..."
Jiggy protested, "It's not THAT, Kitty!"
Miss Kitty asked, "Well, then, what IS wrong?"
Jiggy gulped. "There's a thug who works for Mouses that's in here."
Miss Kitty passed a look at Jiggy that clearly said, "That is the biggest pack of lies I've ever heard."
Jiggy saw Miss Kitty's silent stare. He knew Miss Kitty wasn't prone to believe one of his nervous excuses, but...
"It's true! There IS one of Mouses' thugs in here! Agent 001!"
Miss Kitty placed her hands on her hips, & gave Jiggy another nasty look. "Jiggy, I'm tired of your lame excuses you always give, just 'cause you're still afraid of nonexistent sailors trying to kick your butt!"
"But--"
"Now, listen, Jiggy, either you straighten up, fly right, get out there, & make those kids happy, or I'll tell Evelyn!"
Jiggy gulped again. "Sounds like Kitty's serious this time," he thought to himself.
Her angry stare confirmed his suspicions.
The Jewish octopus sighed, & moaned in defeat, "All right, Kitty. I'll go out there."
Kitty's irritated glare turned into a happy smile.
Jiggy returned Kitty's smile, then adjusted his blue shirt, rebuckled his tap shoes, put on his straw hat, & grabbed his juggling balls.
Then he went on stage & did his juggling routine, as the children began to cheer merrily.
As Miss Kitty saw a happy Jiggy entertaining the children, she smiled again at the nervous cnidarian, then released the curtain she had pulled back to see her friend's performance, & joined her sisters.
As the Lorne girls walked back to their dressing room, Sheena asked in curiosity, "Kitty, what did Jiggy say?"
Miss Kitty mused, "Some silly story about Agent 001 coming in here. But what are the chances of THAT happening?"
Outside, in the main part of the restaurant, Jiggy had finished up his act, & Don The Pianist, Morey The Horn-Player, Tom The Trombonist, Arnie The Drummer, Wally The Tuba-Player, Brad The Flute-Player, & Jerry The Guitar-Player were taking a break.
As Morey was taking a bite of his Super Salsa Verde, dunking salted tortilla chips into green hot sauce, Don happened to find Agent 001 sitting at a table, ordering a Chocolate Rocket ice cream sundae.
(Agent 001 had managed to sneak into the restaurant, despite the fact that the place had maximum security.)
A frightened Don whispered to the flute-player, "Brad, it's the perp!"
Brad, who was a new member of the Rat Trap Band, uttered a grunt of confusion.
Don cautioned, "That guy in black in Table #5, eating the Chocolate Rocket. He works for Mouses Fiennes."
Brad blurted, "Well, if he works for Mouses, get him out!"
Just then, the front door of the restaurant slammed open, & all the families ran for cover.
Arnie smiled smugly, & said, "I think that's already been taken care of!"
An incensed Mouses Fiennes, his clothes dripping with sweat, had just barged into the restaurant.
His evil green-&-gold eyes glared angrily at Agent 001.
At his table, Agent 001 was just about to take the last bite of his Chocolate Rocket...
...but before the spoonful of sweet sugary goodness could slide down his esophagus, Agent 001 felt himself being lifted up by his collar.
Waving merrily, Agent 001 smiled nervously as Mouses Fiennes fumed angrily at him.
The Russian rogue gulped down the last of his ice cream, & then greeted nervously, "H-h-hello, Mouses. What brings you here?"
Mouses snarled in rage, "You know damn well what brings me here!"
Agent 001 breathed a sigh of relief as Mouses placed him back on the ground, but chills rushed up & down his limber spine as Mouses glared threateningly at him.
Without another word, the Russian rogue got up on his bare feet, & cleared his throat.
"Mouses, my friend, there comes a time in every mouse's life, when he wants to be free of a life controlled by others, & to be his own mouse."
Agent 001 took a deep breath, then got his empty ice cream bowl. As he reared his arms back to throw the bowl at Mouses' head, he said with a tinge of sorrow in his voice, "I don't want to have to do this, Mouses, but I'm tired of you controlling my life."
With a grunt of effort, the ice cream bowl flew out of Agent 001's hands, & hit Mouses in just the right spot.
A small trickle of blood oozed down the left side of his face, & landed on the floor, collecting into a large pool of reddish liquid.
Mouses began to get weak from loss of blood, but he did not care.
With a scream of rage, Mouses took out his dagger, & tossed it at Agent 001.
The Russian rogue gasped in fear, then ducked down just in time for the blade to whizz over his head...
Auburn, who was cleaning a plate at the counter, looked up, & gasped, his Cuban cigar falling out of his mouth.
He barely managed to dodge the dagger's piercing blade, which soon stabbed a small calendar, right through the picture of a scantily-dressed "Playmouse kitty".
Auburn quickly popped up from his hiding place, & looked at his ruined calendar. He moaned in dismay.
Although technically, stuff like that was taboo in the new-&-improved Rat Trap, plus, Evelyn had told him repeatedly to get rid of that "pile of filth".
"Well," mused Auburn to himself as he watched the chaos, "time to get a new Playmouse calendar."
Auburn then placed his now-cracked plate under the counter-ledge, & watched in awe at the tense battle that was brewing...
Meanwhile, in their little booth, the Rat Trap Band was about to warm up for the next stage show.
As Tom was cleaning the inside of his trombone with a worn handkerchief, Morey chuckled, & said, "Well, well, well. We got another rumble in the 'rant, just like the old days!"
Tom looked up from his cleaning job, & gave a dirty glare at Morey. "And you're saying you liked the old bar days?"
Morey frowned in embarrassment. "No..."
But before Tom could get back to cleaning his trombone, a huge ball-&-chain flew out of Mouses' hand, & right towards the band area.
Don, Morey, Tom, Arnie, Jack, Wally, Jerry, Lennie, & Brad all ducked, just as the ball-&-chain bust a huge, gaping hole into the wall.
When the damage was done, Morey looked up, & frowned. "Well, I guess we're gonna have to fix this."
Arnie raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean 'we'?"
Meanwhile, Rosie The Ribbiter & Ned The Newt were about to go on stage, but before they could begin their favorite unicycle routine, a giant spiked mace slashed through the curtains, dragging the red, ripped remains to the ground.
Ned panicked, & hid behind Rosie.
In the safety of the circus frog's bulk, the little lizard lamented, "I knew we should have done the act after Princess came on!"
Back at the main battlegrounds, Agent 001 was delivering a swift karate kick to Mouses' jaw, punching the criminal genius' teeth in.
Mouses recovered quickly from the pain of shattered teeth crumbling in his mouth.
It wasn't long before the angry Mouses swung a swift fist at the Russian rogue, who couldn't duck out of the way in time.
BAM! Agent 001 felt the imprints of Mouses' ringed knuckles on his cheek, just as soon as he had fallen off the table that he had been standing on.
That did it...
Meanwhile, Miss Kitty, Bridget, & Sheena had just come out of their dressing room. They were shocked at the violence that was going on right before them.
Sheena almost swore, "Holy sh---"
"SHHH!" Bridget whispered in a hushed tone.
Miss Kitty took a quick look to the right, & screamed, "Girls, duck!"
The Lorne sisters all were lucky enough to get out of the way of a flying nightstick, which immediately hit a table lamp, & broke it, sending part of the room into darkness.
Back at the table, Mouses had cornered Agent 001, who was backing up into the crook of the toppled table.
The malicious mouse then got out a pistol, & caressed it gently with his handkerchief.
Agent 001 gulped again, this time swallowing air.
"What did I ever do to deserve this?" a frightened Agent 001 lamented to himself. "All I wanted was to be my own mouse! Just for a day!"
But just as Mouses was about to shoot Agent 001, an angry blond-haired woman came up to the two rogues, & placed her stubby hands on her broad hips, as she barked, "Excuse me, gentlemen!"
Agent 001's eyes widened in shock. "Evelyn Rosedale!"
The Cockney waitress said angrily, "What in th' name of blue blazes d'ya think ye're doin' in my family restaurant!"
Mouses & Agent 001 immediately stopped their fighting. Mouses frowned in shame as he lowered his pistol.
Mouses smiled nervously, as he tried to make up a valid excuse: "B-b-but, Miss Rosedale, I can explain..."
Evelyn's eyes squinted in rage. "I will hear nothin' of it! Ye know bloody well I don't allow fightin' in me restaurant anymore!"
Mouses stuttered, "But--"
Evelyn shouted angrily, "No 'buts', Mr. Fiennes! Now ye & that Russian nincompoop take yer stupid bums out o' me restaurant!"
"But--"
"NOW!"
Mouses glared angrily at Evelyn, then grabbed Agent 001...
...who immediately freed himself from Mouses' grip, & grabbed his master by the ear.
As he prepared to drag his boss out of the restaurant, Agent 001 bowed to Evelyn, & said with the utmost respect, "Yes, Ms. Rosedale."
Then the two thugs were out.
As everyone came out of hiding, Evelyn frowned. A heavy, weary sigh emitted from her lips, then she said, "Now how are we gonna clean up this nasty mess?"
A gruff Cockney voice cried out, "Don't worry, sweet cheeks! I'll have this place cleaned up in a jiff!"
Auburn then came out, wearing the most ridiculous armor: a bucket for a helmet, sponges for kneepads & elbowpads, makeshift weapons made of spray cans, jars of nails, & hammers tucked into a gun-belt, latex gloves as protective handgear, a washbasin as a breast-plate, a mop as a lance, & a broom & dustpan as a sword & shield.
As Auburn, the knight of cleanliness, the Rat Trap Band, the Lorne Sisters, Rosie The Ribbiter, Ned The Newt, Jiggy The Juggling Octopus, all the waiters & waitresses, the cooks & chefs, & all the customers pitched in to clean up the restaurant, Evelyn looked at Auburn's station.
The remnants of a risqué calendar photo were pinned to the back wall by a dagger, while the rest of the calendar had been ripped off & thrown away.
Evelyn smiled as she went off to help the others. "Finally, Aubie's gotten rid of that nasty calendar!"
Meanwhile, back at the sewer lair, Mouses & Agent 001 had just parked the dirigible.
The two criminals were now walking back to the site where the Baker Street Family was supposed to have been killed.
Mouses smiled as he saw the remnants of his overkill trap...
...but his smug, victorious smile turned into an angry glower...
Steam poured out of Mouses' ears, & his face turned a hellish red...
With a scream of pain, Mouses clutched his chest, & fell to the floor.
Agent 001 sighed, & helped Mouses breathe through his pacemaker.
"Oh, well," the Russian rogue thought to himself as Mouses revived, "at least I'm my own mouse now."
THE END