Chapter 1
The Sunny Side of Severus Snape
Astonishing evidence regarding renowned Hogwarts teacher Severus Snape has recently come to light, says Rita Skeeter, our newest correspondent. Using her by-now-famous talent for eavesdropping, she has finally succeeded in unveiling the sunny side of Professor Snape, a side believed by many to be as non-existent as Crumple-Horned Snorkacks.
"Oh, it was easy," a vivacious Rita giggles. "He wasn't going to tell, the stingy old bat! Eventually, I had to bug other people into telling me."
Severus Snape, it is now exclusively revealed, regularly mixes up Love Potions and hands them round to unwary students. As Potions master at Hogwarts and an exceptionally brilliant potion-maker, there is little doubt about his capability.
"It gives me pleasure," he admits sullenly, his right eye twitching somewhat. "The little twerps fooling around in my class, they deserve to have their heads played with."
"We never knew this side of Professor Snape," sniggers Draco Malfoy, a student of fifth year at Hogwarts. "It's quite amusing, really!"
"I hate him," Ron Weasley, another fifth-year student, contradicts. "He made me fall for Pansy Parkinson, that cow! My brothers will never let me forget that day," he adds bitterly.
It is suspected that Professor Snape threatens the house-elves who work in the kitchens into mixing Love Potions in the students' pumpkin juice, to be served at breakfast.
"Dobby heard tell that he comes in the dead of night," Dobby, a candid elf who works at Hogwarts, tells Rita. "Dobby has even seen him, miss, but Dobby doesn't stop him because" – the elf giggles – "Dobby likes to see youthful love!"
No doubt Professor Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, will want to look into this matter. Unhinged teachers and deranged house-elves – no wonder some people are already dreading what Hogwarts will become in the near future.