Dead and Gone

I never thought I would die by my own hands. I was eighteen when I killed myself. To some my life might have been good in there eyes, but to me it was nothing. I hated who I was…I hated what I was and I had it in my head that everyone thought the same thing. I thought everyone hated me until I saw them at my funeral.

Three months earlier

"I hate you!" I said to my best friend as I walked down the steps of the school.

"Yeah…well I don't like you ether." She screamed at me as if to let everyone know she was mad too.

I never thought I would say that to my best friend…ever. She was the only true friend I had and the only one in the world I could trust. She had said I was being too dramatic about my school grades. I couldn't help it I was upset that I had gotten bad grades for the first time since…ever. It's been so hard lately with the stuff going on at home and at school. At home I was the problem child and at school I was the freak show that had come to town. My mom hated me and if she didn't she sure did have a weird way of putting it. It was always about my step niece and never about her three kids she had at home who really needed her attention. I told her I wanted to be a Lawyer she said that she supported me, but I never believed her. It was always about that baby that wasn't hers not even by blood. I just feel so unloved and so hated…by everyone I know. Even my step dad hates me…well me and my sister that isn't his. The only child that came from my mom that he loves is my little sister Ashlee. He never has and never will care about my sister Cathleen and me.

I arrived home to my mom yelling at my step dad, Dallas. My mom and Dallas always fought no matter what time of day it was or who was there.

"Karin. Where have you been? School let out thirty minutes ago." My mother yelled at me as she saw me come in crying. "And why the hell are you crying? Did you have a bad day or something?"

"No mom I just hurt my back in gym." I lied.

"Well suck it up just cuz your in pain doesn't mean you're missing school. I go to work every night in pain and you don't see me complaining about it." She told me with anger in her voice.

"I know mom. I'm going to my room."

"Take the baby with you. Oh and fix her a bottle she's been crying for one."

"Okay."

I walked over and pick up the screaming baby. Her screams made me even sadder than I was. As I walked in to the kitchen, her crying seamed to stop. I knew she liked me more than anyone in the house. I loved her to, but I think I was the only one jealous of her and all the attention she gets. I walked to the frig and opened the carton of mike and pored it in a bottle. I then handed her the bottle and she put it in her mouth. I carried her to my room and sat her on the bed. I went over to my closet and pick out an outfit I would be wearing to Eric's party latter. I found my favorite pare of Tripp pants that had hand cuffs on them. I looked for my black fishnet shirt and sleeveless purple skull and crossbones shirt to go over it. I soon found them...when I turned around I found that the baby had gotten into my makeup and it was all over my bed. That pissed me off. I could never think of why her fucking mother couldn't take care of her on damn child. She was about my age just months younger then me. She had had her first kid and age sixteen and the second one at age seventeen. Her oldest one stayed with us most of the time...like we didn't have anything better to do then take care of her kid.

"Damn it" I screamed and the baby started to cry.

Shit now I have a screaming baby to deal with. I wish she would just shut the fuck up for ever. I thought to my self.

"Why the fuck is the baby crying? What the hell did you do to her?" my mother called from the den.

"Nothing she just fell." I called back to her.

I looked at the baby and with anger in my voice I told her to get off of my bed. She was two and she was a smart little girl, but sometimes she just made me mad.

It was four o'clock all ready and I had to get dressed so all I needed was Ashlee. I grabbed the baby and walked to the door. When I opened it there was Ashlee staring at me.

"Hey I was just coming to your room to ask if you can watch the baby so I can get ready?"

"Why do I have to do?"

"Cuz your here and you can and I really need to get ready. I have to be there in half an hour. So can you please watch her for me."

"Fine." Ashlee said to me in an anger tone.

I went back into my room and began to get dressed. I had just started to put on my makeup when I heard my mother calling for me. I put down what I was doing and walked to the den where my mother was waiting for me.

"Where the hell do you think your going all dressed up like that?"

"I'm going to Eric's party tonight."

"Like hell you are. Who is going to take care of the baby if your gone?"

"Ashlee is going to take care of her for me."

"Like that little bitch can do any thing."

"She can and she will take care of the baby. She told me she would so I could go to something to get away from all this shit going on at home."

My mother stud up furious and slapped as hard as she could. I fell to the ground and while I was there she took it upon herself to keep hitting me. Cathleen walked in after hearing all the noise. She tried to stop our mother, but it didn't help. I pushed her a way from me and ran out the front door. As I got out side I realized I didn't have my keys with me. I then ran to Ashlee's window and knocked on it. After five knocks she opened the window.

"What is it?"

"Run in my room and get my purse and my makeup....oh and some cloths for me to wear for a few days."

"Fine, but where will you go?"

"I'll stay at Eric's house."

She then ran to my room grabbed my purse and the other things I had asked for. When she came back to the window I could hear my mother banging on her door to open it up. I told her I was sorry and ran for my car. I got there I put the key in and opened the door. I unlocked the other doors and throw my bag in the back set. I slammed the door and got in the drivers set. I put the key in the ignition and started the car. Tears started to feel my eyes as I thought of leaving Cathleen and Ashlee there with that woman. I drove to Eric's house and when I got there I just sat in the car and cried.