Crack fic. Inspired by a post on Tumblr a while back about learning to smoke Cannabis in a toaster. I thought Elsie might find some new uses for her new toy.
Charles caught a whiff of smoke as he passed Elsie's sitting room. Not an unusual occurrence by any means, but this was a slightly different smell. He fought the urge to run for the sand bucket again. She would likely just laugh at him anyway. Instead, he rapped on her door and opened it without waiting for an answer.
"Elsie," he said, waving the unusual smelling smoke out of his eyes, "I thought you knew how to use that thing by now. What on earth are you doing?"
She looked up at him with a wide smile on her face. "Oh, Charles, don't be so crabby," she giggled.
She giggled? Elsie didn't giggle. She laughed. She snorted. She even at times guffawed, but she never giggled. What was going on?
He tugged on the bottom of his waistcoat and fixed her with a glare that she would no doubt interpret as crabby. "I am not being crabby. I simply asked what was going on. I thought you knew how to use that thing by now." He gestured toward the offending bit of devilry that was emitting a very distinctive smelling smoke.
She rolled her eyes at him and snorted. He nodded in satisfaction. That was more like his Elsie.
"I'm trying to come up with new uses for it," she said soothingly. He came a little farther into the room and settled in the chair across from her desk, leaning forward to take a deeper whiff of the smoke. It really wasn't that bad. Actually, it almost had a calming effect.
"Other uses?"
"Yes. I thought that perhaps, on its lowest setting, I could use it to dry herbs." She smiled at him broadly as she explained her thoughts. She really was beautiful and her beauty doubled when she smiled. He would like to sit closer to her, but he was so comfortable where he was. Perhaps he should just stay here for another few moments.
"That doesn't smell like lavender or rosemary," he said. He knew exactly how lavender smelled. Lavender was how his sheets smelled after she'd been with him. Maybe he would just shift his chair just a bit closer to hers.
She shook her head and watched as he moved his chair. "I didn't want to waste any of the best herbs while I was experimenting. Whatever are you doing Charles?"
He felt the edges of his lips lift up into a grin. A grin? Butlers don't grin. He was troubled for a moment but then looked back into the blue oceans of her eyes and forgot his trouble. He waggled his eyebrows at her, "No need to be so far away while we chat is there? Now, you were saying you didn't want to waste the best herbs."
Her cheeks were flushed slightly and she was staring at his lips, "No, I didn't. Thomas volunteered this. It seems he's been growing this special herb to replace his tobacco. He makes his own cigarettes now to save money."
Charles snickered. Elsie's eyes grew wide and he explained himself, although he'd never be able to explain that snicker away, "If Thomas put half the effort into working that he puts into scheming, he'd be the richest man in Yorkshire. Although, I must admit that this herb doesn't seem that bad."
Charles nodded in agreement, "No, I thought it was odd at first, but it does seem to be a relaxing scent." Then he leaned forward so that he could speak low next to her ear, "It's not nearly as pleasant as the scent you leave on my sheets though."
Her cheeks tinted pink, but she turned her lips to meet his. He kissed her deeply, starved for her taste. She leaned closer to him and put her hand on his upper thigh. After a few moments, she pulled back, "I must disagree with you. It doesn't seem to be a very relaxing scent for you."
He laughed low in his throat and tugged on her wrist to pull her toward his lap, "Nor you, my dear Mrs. Hughes."
Just as his fingers were ready to work up the edge of her skirt, there was a brisk knock on the door. They jumped apart and Elsie smoothed down her hair before calling sharply for whatever idiot had interrupted them to enter.
Mrs. Patmore's ginger head appeared around the edge of the door. She smirked when she saw them together. "I was going to ask what you were burning in here," she said, "but I can see that you've just been distracted."
Charles's felt slightly embarrassed but couldn't bring himself to care enough to leap to his feet. He felt more relaxed than he had in ages. This really was a wonderful herb. No wonder Thomas loved to smoke.
Elsie surprised him with her response however, "Beryl, just who I wanted to see. Do you think we could have a bit of a snack? I'm starving."
Ending here before it gets even sillier.