Brendan and Ste have been in a relationship for a couple of weeks now, and things are actually going well. Ever since Ste came to Dublin, and they told each other 'I love you' on that bridge, Brendan has felt much happier. He loves Ste so much, that it hurts, that he just cannot live without him, even though he still believes that the younger man would be better off without him. But every single day, Ste tells him that he wouldn't be better off without him, that it would only hurt him, and Brendan thinks that maybe one day he will start believing it.
He is now looking at Leah and Lucas, who are sitting in the living room, playing with their toys, pretending they're in another world. They seem so carefree, so happy. They still have their childhood, and Brendan hates to admit it, but he is jealous of them. He just looks at them, tears forming in his eyes, memories from his childhood flashing in his mind. Memories of the things that Seamus did to him. Things that made him grow up, lose his childhood.
"What's wrong?" Ste asks, when he sees Brendan standing there, looking at the kids, almost crying. Brendan just shakes his head, and Ste sighs. "Come on, kids, you want to go see auntie Leanne again?"
"No," Leah says, and Ste can't help but smile.
"Well, you're still going," he says, and Leah pouts, but gets up and grabs her coat anyway. Ste helps putting Lucas' coat on, and he then looks at Brendan. "I'll be right back," he says, and he leaves, taking the kids with him. Brendan sits down at the kitchen table, and he puts his head in his hands, still fighting his tears. Ever since his father came back into his life, the memories have gotten worse, and he keeps thinking about what has happened. The first time his father touched him, when the abuse started, he didn't understand, but he felt guilty. He felt like he did something wrong, but he also felt like he deserved all the pain and fear. When it happened again, and again, and again, he started hating himself. The self-hate never left, even now, he still feels it. But he had managed to not think about it every day, until he saw Seamus again. That's when he became so small, insecure and scared again. He has been fighting it, but the truth is that it's tearing him apart. And he is keeping it all to himself.
When Ste comes back into the flat, Brendan is still sitting at the table, now just staring down at his hands, still fighting his tears, and the images flashing through his mind. Ste sits down next to him, and grabs his hands.
"I ran into Cheryl, she's looking after the kids."
"Why?" Brendan asks, not looking up.
"Because, Brendan, I think we need to talk."
"Do we?"
"Yeah, I think we do," Ste says, and Brendan looks up at him. He sees the loving look in his eyes, and he quickly looks away. "Are you breaking up with me?"
"What? No," Brendan quickly answers, now looking at Ste again. "Steven, this has nothing to do with you."
"Is it because you miss your own kids?" Ste asks, but Brendan just shakes his head. "Please, just tell me what's wrong."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because you'll hate me," Brendan says, and he looks back at the younger man. "If I tell you, you'll hate me, Steven."
"I won't, I promise. I can see that you're hurting, and I want to help you, but I can't. Not if you won't let me in," Ste says, and Brendan sees that he means it. But Brendan also meant what he said, he thinks Ste will hate him. And he cannot lose Ste, it would simply kill him. "Brendan, please…"
"I can't."
"Bren…"
"I can't!" Brendan says, quite loudly, and for just a second, Ste looks scared. "I'm sorry."
"Fine," Ste says, and he lets go of Brendan's hand, and gets up and wants to leave the room.
"Steven?" Brendan asks, just before Ste is gone. Ste turns around, and he looks at Brendan, who is staring down at his hands, looking incredibly vulnerable right now. "My dad, he… he hurt me, back when I was a kid," Brendan says, and Ste can see how much it took of him to say that. So he sits back down, and grabs Brendan's hand again.
"He used to beat you, right?" he asks, and Brendan nods. A tear rolls down Brendan's face, and he quickly wipes it away. "Are you still scared of him, is that why you're upset?"
"I'm not scared of him," Brendan lies, and Ste nods. "But he hurt me, Steven."
"I know," Ste says, and he looks confused. "He used to beat you up…," but then a look of understanding appears on Ste's face. "He didn't… oh my god…"
"Steven…"
"But you're his son!"
"Steven…"
"Please tell me he didn't," Ste says, and Brendan finally looks up at him, tears streaming down his face. Just by looking at the pain in his eyes, Ste knows that he isn't wrong. Tears appear in his own eyes, and he wraps his arms around Brendan, holding him as tight as he possibly can. Brendan clings onto him, and in a way he feels relieved, but he also feels even worse, because this wasn't all that is bothering him. He needs to tell Ste everything. "Brendan, I am so sorry."
"Steven, I…," Brendan starts, and Ste lets go of him, tears now rolling down his face. "I'm scared," Brendan admits, and that is a huge deal for him to admit.
"Of your dad? Are you scared he'll do it to you again?"
"I'd kill him," Brendan says, and he looks back down at his hands. "I'm not scared of him. I'm scared of myself."
"Why?"
"What if I'm like him?" Brendan asks, and Ste looks confused. "I have his blood inside of me, Steven," Brendan whispers, looking even more vulnerable and fragile right now.
"Look, you are nothing like him, Brendan. You would never hurt a kid."
"What if I will?" Brendan asks, his voice breaking.
"You won't, he is a sick pervert, and you and him have nothing in common. You would never hurt your kids, or mine, and you would do anything to protect them, wouldn't you?" Ste asks, and Brendan nods. "You are nothing like him, I promise you. Leah and Lucas love you, and you're a great dad to them, so don't ever think you're like him."
"But what if I hurt them?"
"You won't, and you know it, deep inside, don't you?" Ste asks, and Brendan looks at him, sobbing. "Deep inside you know that you're a good man, and a good dad. And I know that, otherwise I wouldn't have let you live with my kids, would I?"
"I guess," Brendan says, and Ste puts a hand on the side of Brendan's face.
"You're a good man, Brendan, and I love you," he says, and he gives Brendan a kiss. He then wraps his arms around the broken down man, and holds him until he has calmed down.
It's been almost an hour since Brendan has told Ste about what his father has done to him when he was a kid. They're now sitting on the sofa in the living room, drinking a cup of tea.
"Brendan?"
"Steven?"
"Can I ask you something?" Ste asks, and Brendan nods. He still looks vulnerable, but Ste also thinks he looks somewhat relieved. "What Seamus did, did it happen once, or…"
"Over and over again?" Brendan asks, and now Ste already knows the answer.
"Does Cheryl know?"
"She still thinks Seamus is the world's best dad."
"She has to know," Ste says, and Brendan looks away. "What if she ever has kids, and lets him babysit them, eh?"
"Chez won't believe me."
"She will, she knows you wouldn't lie about something like that. You have to tell her."
"I can't… it would only hurt her."
"So your dad never touched her?" Ste asks, and Brendan shakes his head. "Why just you?"
"Because I was weak, I was never man enough… He still calls me Brenda behind her back," Brendan admits, and Ste feels sick. He grabs Brendan's hand, and looks down at it.
"I think you are the strongest and bravest man I know, and I mean that. After everything you've been through, and from what you were, to who you are now… I think you're amazing, Brendan, and I wish I could make things better for you," Ste says, and he looks back up at Brendan, who is now slightly smiling.
"I love you, Steven," he says, and he puts his tea down, and starts kissing Ste. He pulls him closer, and grabs Ste's tea and puts it down as well. The kiss becomes even more intense, but then Brendan pulls away. Ste sees that he just cannot feel comfortable at the moment, and he fully understands. So he gives him a quick kiss, and gets up.
"How about we pick up the kids and take them to go see a movie?"
"I'd like that," Brendan says, and he flashes a smile and gets up as well. They both put on their coat, and leave the flat, to go to Cheryl's flat. But when they're almost there, they see Cheryl almost getting into a taxi with a friend.
"Chez?" Brendan yells. She looks at the two men coming up to her, and smiles.
"Oh, hey you two. Before you ask, the kids are safe inside, I left them with dad."
"You did what?" Brendan asks, and without waiting for an answer, he runs towards Cheryl's flat, Ste and Cheryl following him. Cheryl keeps asking what's wrong, but the two men won't answer. Brendan has kicked the door in already when Ste and Cheryl catch up, and they all run up the stairs, where Leah is sitting in the hallway, crying.