1 A Weevil in a Christmas Tree
Ianto stood there with a gentle cant of his head like he was examining a fine artwork.
"well" Owen said softly "That is his best work yet."
"And its not even Christmas yet" Ianto sighed.
"Close enough, maybe we can say we got guy fawkes and Chritmas mixed up? A Guy up the tree?" Owen suggested and they shared a look before looking back up once more at the weevil hanging fomr the top of the tree like a really … really …. Ugly fairy.
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fifteen minutes earlier
"Ianto?"
"Sir?" Ianto swung his legs over the bed as this was usually a call-in at this time of the night…ah….morning.
"You busy?"
"No sir, it's ahhhhhhh three twenty AM. I was just…you know … chillin!"
Silence.
"How can I help sir?"
"Um … you know that place that sells Christmas Trees, the one with the fat santa out front that keeps dropping his pants" Jack said and Ianto resisted the eye-roll, not much point when it's wasted that.
"Yes sir."
"Meet me there and …look for Owen … he's down there somewhere too"
Ianto frowned "Down?"
"Yeah. I'm up!"
"So am I now" Ianto muttered as he closed the phone and stood, scratching at the spot at the top of his pubic hair, looking around the flat with annoyance. Winter was here and the cold was not yet the bitter bite it would soon become but cold enough that he once again wished for a nice carpet instead of the wooden floors. He padded to the dresser and began dressing warm, forgoing the suit and tie for some black jeans and t-shirt, black hoodie and warm black gloves. He made a mental note ot buy a balaclarva too … this cold was not his friend.
He drove to the Chritams Tree lot and soon found Owen.
Where we found them at the beginning of this.
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"So. Which one do you want?" Owen asked "The Weevil in a Christmas Ttee … or the Twat stuck on the roof still?"
"He could just jump" Ianto huffed.
"I suggested that, he went all 'what!' like I needed to get up there and piggyback him down!" Owen replied with a look of annoyance, "We could shoot him down."
"Jack?"
"the Weevil."
"OK, I've wanted to ask this for a while … how can you tell the sex of a Weevil?" Ianto askedd and Owen turned to explain calmly that they wore different sided zippers on their jump suits and as they talked Jack looked over the edge of the building.
"HEY!"
"Grass is better" Ianto said automatically and Owen roared with mirth then shook a finger at him.
"Bet you are crazy mad on that stuff!"
"Actually I get a wicked need to bake" Ianot answered sagely, "My gingernut biscuits were to die for when I was off my face back at Uni"
Owen stoped posturing and frowned "You know … that sounds right."
"OI!"
"Christ, let's shoot him down too" Owen sighed.
THUD
"No need. Seem's it is quite slippery, must be how the weevil fell" Ianto said as Jack lay at their feet, then a groan of warning had them moving back as the weevil was dislodged and came tumbling down too, several limbs following and landing with a whomp.
"Well. I don't want sap all over me!" Ianto was annoyed as he looked at the dead Captain and Weevil.
"Torch it?"
"Torch it" Ianto agreed, walking around to topple a few more trees. "Shame, that tree is huge, I never saw one the size of a building before … well … there was that one in Harrods but it was fake."
"Most things in there are" Owen said as he gleefully dragged Jack back by his feet, "I'll get the gas!"
"Cool" Ianto continued to topple trees and then when he was sure the weevil was covered he stepped back and sat watching Owen do a 'Lord of the Flies' impression … ah .. no …Tom Hanks in Castaway I think.
Jack gasped to life.
"Fuck! Slipped."
"Yes, I believe so"
"Ianto?"
"Yes sir?"
"Can I come home with you? I am so sticky, I need a hot bath and your boiler is better than mine" Jack pouted.
"OK" Ianto rose and helped Jack up and grimaced as his glove came away from Jacks hand covered in tree sap.
"Opps?"
Ianto glared then turned to watbh as Owen threw the match.
WHOOOOSHHHHH
"Shit"
"Owen?" Ianto called as Jack gaped "You OK there little man?"
"Yeah! Shit, forgot about the can, must have left it too close!" Owen said then placed his hands on his hips and roared with mirth at the carnage.
"OK. Let's get out of Dodge before the fire crews ome. It will all be gone" Ianto shook his head "Smells nice tho."
"Yeah" Owen swaggered to the SUV, "You taking him?"
"Yes, I just need the drop cloth from the back of the SUV or he will be strapped to my roof like one of these Christmas Trees. Not getting sap on the leather." Ianro said conversationally and Jack leered.
"You can tie me up anytime Tiger!"
"Careful Sir … depends on what part I tie doesn't it?"
Owen's smile droped as he watched Ianto stalk off with Jack, then he turned to watch the place burn some more.
Was a nice smell.