I do not own the Twilight series, or any of the character in this story,

Nor do I own the song "What Hurts The Most"

This one shot takes place during chapter seven of "New Moon"

"What Hurts Bella The Most"

I was hoping the déjà vu was the key. So I was going to his home, a place I hadn't been since my ill-fated birthday, so many months ago.

The thick, almost jungle-like growth crawled slowly past my windows. The drive wound on and on. I started to go faster, getting edgy. How long had I been driving? Shouldn't I have reached the house yet? The lane was so overgrown that it did not look familiar.

What if I couldn't find it? I shivered. What if there was no tangible proof at all?

Then there was the break in the trees that I was looking for, only it was not so pronounced as before. The flora here did not wait long to reclaim any land that was left unguarded. The tall ferns had infiltrated the meadow around the house, crowding against the trunks of the cedars, even the wide porch. It was like the lawn has been flooded -- waist high -- with green, feathery waves.

And the house was there, but it was not the same. Thought nothing had changed on the outside, the emptiness screamed from the blank windows. IT was creepy. For the first time since I'd seen this beautiful house, it looked like a fitting haunt for vampires.

I hit the brakes, looking away. I was afraid to go any further.

But nothing happened. No voice in my head.

So I left the engine running and jumped out into the fern sea. Maybe, like Friday night, if I walked forward…

I approached the barren, vacant face slowly, my truck rumbling out a comforting roar behind me. I stopped when I got to the porch stairs, because there was nothing here. No lingering sense of their presence… of his presence. The house was solidly here, but it meant little. Its concrete reality would counteract the nothingness of the nightmares.

I wanted to… I would have looked away, had it not been for the brief flash of light that I saw shining from one of the windows.

It couldn't be… could it?

I slowly walked up the porch, my whole body shaking with anticipation and fear. Was the flash I saw coming from… him? Could it have been that he was standing hear one of the windows, where the clouds may have broken, releasing a blast of sunlight? Was it his perfect marble skin, glowing as heavenly as it always did? Had he really come back?

And, if he did, would he have come back for me?

I took a deep breath before carefully looking through one of the windows. I saw no one, nothing but darkness. The lights were off, but the clouded sun was coming in through the windows. I could make out that the furniture was… still there, but to my surprise. Then again, what would vampires need with furniture anyway? They had left so suddenly, it was no wonder that the house was still furnished.

I saw the flash of light again, this time, catch where it was coming from. A mirror was still hanging on the wall, and the light from the windows was reflecting on it.

I don't know what exactly made me walked over to the door, but I felt the sudden urge to go inside. Was I insane? Did I actually want to fall back into, what Charlie described as, a "zombie-like" state? This would, of course, hurt me further. I could already feel the jagged edges of the hole in my chest burning as my fingers touched the door knob.

But I wanted to be here. I wanted to be near him.

Quickly, I turned the knob and opened the door, rushing inside and shutting it behind me before I had a chance to change my mind. I pressed my back against the door. For a moment, I was frozen as I stared into the darkness of the house. I almost expected Alice to come down the stairs as she did before, to greet me and tell me that I still smelled just as good as the last time.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house,

That don't bother me.

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out.

I'm not afraid to cry everyone once in a while,

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me.

There are days, every now and again, I pretend I'm okay,

But that's not what gets me.

I pushed myself away from the door and slowly began walking through the rooms. I thought about turning on the lights as I went, but I didn't want to. The darkness and emptiness of this house was exactly how I felt inside. It was, at the time, the only place in this entire town or Forks that made me feel at home.

I turned my head slowly, and painfully, to see that the piano was still there. I stood there for a moment, wondering if I should sit down on his stool, lay my fingers on the keys were his used to be. But that would be the point? I couldn't play a tune. I wanted my memory of the last thing I heard played on that piano to be a special one.

I was grateful that Jessica wasn't with me as she was the last time. She would have thought I was crazy for breaking into someone else's house. But technically, no one lived her anymore. So, I wasn't really doing anything bad. Aside from that, she would have told everyone at school just what I had done by coming here. And then, it would get back to Charlie, and he would send me back to live with Renee', which I knew really wouldn't help at all.

It was funny how stuck I felt. Ever since I was a child, I had detested Forks. In light of recent events, I should detest it even more. Why didn't I want to leave? Was it because it seemed pointless? I was in my last year of high school, so it seemed ridiculous to just pack up and leave before graduating. Was it because of Jacob? Maybe I didn't want to hurt him by leaving.

Or maybe… it was because Forks was the only place on earth where I felt close to him.

It's hard to deal with the pain of loosing you everywhere I go,

But I'm doing it.

It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone.

Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret.

But I know if I could do it over,

I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart,

That I left unspoken.

"Bella."

His voice caught me off guard. I hadn't thought it would come by now.

"Go home, Bella. Don't torture yourself."

"But Edward…" I could feel pain in my chest as I said his name. "Why don't you want me here?"

"Go home," was the only response.

I inhaled sharply. "But Edward, I… I love you." It didn't hurt too much to say it aloud. It was the first time in months that I wasn't holding back on my true feelings -- that was part of what made me a zombie. I couldn't deny it any longer. Nothing could keep my heart from the reason it was still beating: to hear his voice in my head, to come back to his empty house, to just be as close to him as I could be.

And yet, the voice remained the same.

"Go home, Bella."

I tried my tears and nodded slowly before I turned and headed back for the door. As I grabbed the door knob, I thought about taking once last look around, but something inside told me not to, there was no point in it.

After I closed the door behind me, I ran down off the porch and hurried to my truck. I nearly ran. I was anxious to be gone, to get back to the human world. I felt hideously empty, and I wanted to see Jacob. Maybe I was developing a new kind of sickness, another addiction, like the numbness before. I didn't care. I pushed my truck as fast as it would go as I barreled toward my fix.

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say,

And watching you walk away.

And never knowing

What could have been.

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do.

THE END

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my first attempt at writing a fanfic for the Twilight series. I think this song is so fitting for New Moon. Please read and reveiw.