A/N: What is this, I don't even know...I have too much time on my hands. Anyway enjoy the craziness :)
Disclaimer: Lawyers are too expensive these days so for the time being I don't own Naruto.
A Toast to Four Spinsters
Naruto threw back the last dregs of his drink and signaled to the bartender for another round. His companions were polishing off their drinks with similar fervor though not quite at the same speed as himself. Beneath the layers of self pity and depression he felt just a little bit smug.
Just a little.
"Here's your drink, sir." The bartender slid over a glass of transparent amber liquid. It sloshed dangerously against the edges as it connected with Naruto's open hand.
Naruto grasped it firmly and motioned for the bartender to stay. "Don't wander too far. They'll be done in a second."
As if on cue, three glasses pounded simultaneously on the bar.
"Hit me again." Ino drawled, a pink flush evenly coating her face.
"I'll have what she's having." Sasuke said, him and Sakura sporting similar colored looks. Sakura groaned and slumped in her chair.
"Give her the same." Sasuke added.
The bartender grimaced but went off dutifully to retrieve their drinks. Normally he would be advising his four customers to start slowing down and think about heading home, but they were ninja in a civilian bar and he'd had the Godaime Hokage herself wander in one too many times and he was sick of having to repair his walls.
Naruto swirled his drink absentmindedly and sighed—alerting his companions that he was about to begin a depressing monologue. Sakura whimpered, still half slumped over.
"The wedding was lovely." Naruto sighed again.
"I cried." Sakura said.
"We heard." Ino chimed in.
"I fell asleep." Sasuke muttered.
"We saw." Ino said.
"I can't believe I'm sitting here with you people again." Naruto groaned.
"I know." Ino burst out laughing. Everyone shot her similar looks of annoyance but she only giggled and traced circles on the bar top.
"You know," Naruto continued, "Chouji's such a good guy and Hinata's so shy…am I the only one who thinks that they won't be doing anything tonight?"
"Hell no!" Ino pounded a fist on the bar to assert the point.
Sakura had finally sat up but wobbled unsteadily in her seat. "Naruto you jerk. How dare you question the libido of our friends?" She tried to sound outraged but hiccupped halfway though. "I'm sure Chouji is as horny as any other guy—not that I would know or anything—and Hinata's got those great tits. You know? The ones I'll never have. Cause-cause I'm flatter than a board." The hiccups turned into a gasping sob.
Ino made a face. "Sakura, shut up. You're breaking my heart."
"She's right though. The quiet ones are always the kinkiest." The whole group turned to gape at Sasuke who only shrugged.
"Ugh, OK. Now I've got horrible images in my head." Ino groaned. Luckily for her the bartender finally arrived with their next round. He had purposely delayed serving them in hopes that they would pack up early. Obviously they were there to stay.
Ino greedily snatched up her drink but paused before taking the first taste. "Ya know if someone had told me Hinata was going to get married before me I would have broken their kneecaps." Next to her Sakura nodded.
"If anyone had told me that I would be 32, single and still not Hokage, I would have told them…I would have told them…I would have told them…" Naruto bowed his head onto the bar top until his forehead was resting on the polished wood. "…I don't believe it."
"Well it's not really your fault that Tsunade refuses to retire…or die." Ino muttered.
"But it is his fault that he's single." Sasuke said into his glass.
Naruto glared at him. "You're an asshole."
"And you're an oblivious idiot." Sasuke shot back.
"Oblivious, oblivious, oblivious." Ino sang along.
"You guys are making me upset." Sakura whined.
Naruto sneered at Sasuke but leaned back into his seat. "What's you excuse, Sasuke? Why are you sitting here with us (again) and not screwing your wife six ways to next Friday?" He asked.
Ino made a spluttering sound and Sakura, mistaking this for choking, began slapping her on her back in an attempt to save her life.
Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "Why don't you tell me, Naruto?"
"Sakura!" Ino gasped. "I'm OK! You're going to break something!"
Sakura withdrew her hand sheepishly. "Better safe than sorry and better crippled than dead." She said.
Ino looked away.
"Well bastard, it really is quite obvious." Naruto said in reply to Sasuke's request.
"He's gonna say it." Ino groaned. "I just know he's gonna say it."
"Please don't say it, Naruto. " Sakura covered her eyes in mistake for her ears.
Naruto grinned but continued anyway. He pointed an unsteady finger in Sasuke's direction. "It's because you're gay."
Ino threw her hand in the air. "He said it! He fucking said it! Why does he always say it?" Sakura only shook her head sadly. Knowing how things would progress, Sasuke tipped back his head and gulped down the rest of his drink.
Naruto made a motion for Ino to keep quiet. "Yes, but this time I know what to do about it." He rubbed his hand together. "Time to kill two birds with one kunai."
"Sasuke." He reached over Ino and Sakura to grasp his friends hand.
"Would you…be my heterosexual life partner?" The two women gasped, pretending to be shocked at this proposal. Sasuke's right eye twitched.
"Drop the heterosexual." Sasuke said. There were more gasps.
"Only if I top." Naruto said with all seriousness. The gasps were becoming louder and more annoying.
"Then I say no." Sasuke pulled his hand away.
Naruto sagged in his seat. "It seems I've been rejected."
"Again." Sakura said underneath her breath.
"I don't understand why we always have to go through this. After the 4th time you would think we would have learned." Ino drained the rest of her glass.
"Another!" She gestured towards the bartender. "You know what really makes me mad?" She addressed the group.
"You're single?" Sasuke offered.
"You gain half a dress size each time you buy another bridesmaid dress?" Sakura guessed.
"You lost your vibrator again?" Naruto laughed
"No! I mean yes, all those things are true. But what really makes me mad is that my breasts will never be as firm as they are now and no one wants to take advantage of this!" Ino exclaimed.
"What's the advantage to getting your fingers broken?" Without thinking Naruto began wringing his hands nervously.
Ino huffed. "I only do that to the sexually inept."
"I think the last sexually "ept" person just got married." Sakura said, not realizing she hadn't used a real word. "Sorry Sasuke. Sorry Naruto."
"And what is your sympathy except another reminder that I will not be getting laid tonight?" Sasuke said bitterly, turning away from the group.
"I don't know what to do with myself anymore!" Ino whined.
"Cause you lost your vibrator?"
Ino shot Naruto an angry look. "No you idiot. Because every day I feel like I'm wasting away. What do I even have to live for anymore?"
Naruto exchanged disturbed looks with Sasuke and Sakura.
"Don't cry Ino. You have us. Best friends forever." Naruto said weakly. Ino gave him a horrified look.
"Naruto, you're not helping." Sakura said.
Ino continued her rant. "And what's even worse is that if I died today I don't even know who would compose my eulogy." She snorted. "Certainly not my husband."
"Now this is just getting morbid." Sasuke said. Sakura shot him a look.
"Of all the people to talk." She turned to Ino who was sobbing on the bar. "Ino," she said firmly, "you're not going to die tomorrow and even if you did, I would personally write your eulogy."
"I would help." Naruto said proudly.
They all look at Sasuke who was starting on his next round. "Huh?" Naruto glared at him.
"Oh yeah. I'd help too." He finally caught on.
Sakura turned back to Ino who was sniffling. Naruto handed her a tissue and winced as she blew into it rather noisily.
"See Ino? You have us. You would have the most beautiful eulogy ever." Sakura said brightly.
"What would it say?" Ino said softly, but demanding.
"Uh…" Sakura bit her lip.
"How about this…" Sasuke grabbed a napkin off the bar and pulled a pen out of his jounin vest. "Ino Yamanaka," he began, "was a beautiful friend and beautiful woman."
"I like that beginning." Ino sniffed again, sitting up straighter. "Keep going."
"She lived a very accomplished life during the time she was with us. She was the most hardworking person I ever knew." They all listened attentively to the scratching of the pen against the napkin.
"What next?" Sasuke asked when he had finished.
"Let me try out a few lines." Sasuke handed over the napkin and pen to Naruto who eagerly snatched them up.
"Hmm…what about: Her personality was as bright as her hair which—despite many rumors—was indeed naturally blond." Naruto glanced around for positive feedback. He only got scowls.
"Give that to me." Sakura grabbed the napkin and began writing furiously.
"My best memory of Ino is when I first met her. I was immediately attracted to her confident smile and the way the world seemed to gravitate around her. I felt at that moment that I had met an angel. She captured my heart forever that day."
There was silence as the group stared at the cramped words.
"Sasuke, are you crying?" Naruto broke the stillness.
"Fuck no." Sasuke turned away and took a deep drink.
"That was beautiful Sakura. Is that how you really felt?" Ino asked.
Sakura shrugged. "I can't remember. I was like what, five? But it makes a lovely eulogy, doesn't it?"
"Can we write mine next?" Naruto asked.
"No." Was the collective answer. He sulked.
Ino drained the remnants of her glass. "Bartender! One more round. I propose a toast." Ino waited for the drinks to arrive before she continued. "Tonight has been a very productive evening. I only feel half as shitty now as I did when I first walked in."
"You'll probably be calling me tomorrow morning in tears again." Sakura smirked.
"That's not the point! The point is that even though we are quite a pathetic group of spinsters, you are the best friends. Ever. What would I do without your constant moodiness, Sasuke? Or your cynicism, Sakura? And you Naruto. Everyone needs an idiot in their life."
Sakura laid a hand on Ino's shoulder. "And you Ino. What would we do without your bitchiness?"
"Or your vanity?" Sasuke grinned.
"Or your ass." Naruto leered.
"Aww. You guys are the best. Here's to us!" Ino raised her shot glass. The group followed in suit. "Maybe we'll never get married, but we will always have each other. Till death do us part." They threw back their shots and stared, glassy eyed at each other as the alcohol slithered and burned down their throats. They all wondered how much longer they were doomed to repeat the night's events.
Because after the 10th time they were starting to get worried.
Yay for crack~ Reviews are always appreciated.
With love
-dancer