Disclaimer: In no way do I own CATS. Read this and your concerns will be eased.
A/N: I don't know what this is. The first sentence describes it adequately. I just started school again, so… I guess this is a tribute? To my awful school? I was asked how weird my writing was, so I decided to try and, uh... be weird (I succeeded horribly). And there's a reference to 'When I Grow Up'. So you can read that if you want to understand that particular bit.
…read at your own risk.
Warnings: SO MANY SEXUAL INNUENDOS OMG. Overuse of the word 'giggle' or any variation of the word. Use of pick up lines found in various situations in the few days I've been at school. Possibly… other things?
Electra could not believe the utter stupidity of it.
Jellicles did not need educations. And even if some of them did, Electra did not. Electra knew everything. Electra was too sensible to even consider entering a room containing every other young cat in the Junkyard. It was unreasonable, it was. Not even worth contemplating.
Yet, it seemed completely unavoidable at this stage to Electra. She'd gone to Jennyanydots – as if that had done any good.
"Now, now, Electra. Perhaps your cold-bloodedness will help to cool the hot-bloodedness of the other kittens, hm?"
Electra didn't know where to begin. 'Cold-blooded? What are you insinuating? I'm a reptile? A vampire?' 'How on earth would I cool their blood with my own? Mix it all together?' 'We're hardly kittens!'
"I know that you don't get along with anyone, but I fear for the fate of the Jellicles. It isn't all fun and games, you know. We need to follow Skimbleshanks' example, see?" Her eyes took on a disgustingly sappy, dreamy quality. "Look at his success! He has achieved the dream! He has a job! He will lead the way!"
Electra was again at a loss for words. 'Excuse me, but I have friends.' 'We're cats. What is the point of an education? A job? And who, may I ask, would pay a cat?' 'Deuteronomy's our leader the last time I checked. And even if he's managed to acquire the permanent title of 'Old', Munkustrap will be our next leader.'
But there was no arguing with Jennyanydots. She petted Electra on the head and said, "There, there. If you ever need any help, don't hesitate to come to me. I know you're a little bit lonely, but look – this is an opportunity to make friends!"
There was no reasoning that would sway Jennyanydots. And that was the reason why Electra stood outside of the largest den the Jellicles could provide (the insides of a battered old car). She could already hear the chaos commencing within.
"Now, settle down!" came the commanding cry of Jennyanydots. "Pouncival, don't do that, you'll fall and hit your head!"
"I'm actually very experienced, no need to worry," came Pouncival's smug voice.
"At what? Hitting your head?" Plato deadpanned. He and Tumblebrutus promptly burst into the giggles that Electra knew could only mean that they'd had nip. Lots. Sure enough, as soon as she tentatively poked her head through the car window, the sight of Plato's bared, stained teeth greeted her.
"Password," he chuckled.
"Now, now," Jennyanydots reprimanded, smiling sweetly at Electra in a way that was, though unintended, patronizing. "Oh, Electra, it's so good to see you."
Electra smiled weakly back and sat herself next to Etcetera.
Who then proceeded to turn around and grin so widely that Electra thought that her face was going to shatter.
"Oh gosh, Electra, this lesson is pimping," she said. "It rocks my socks off." And then she giggled. Her teeth were distinctly scattered with the green remains of nip.
"You're not wearing socks," Electra said. "You're a cat."
"Ah, but I'm wearing arm-warmers!...I think. This lesson, it really rocks my arm warmers off. Don't you think? Heeheehee."
"That defeats the entire purpose of it," Electra pointed out. "'Arm warmers' doesn't rhyme with rocks."
"But pocks rhymes with rocks. My pocks are rocked off."
"Do you know what also rhymes with rocks?" Tumblebrutus giggled. "Coc-"
"Settle down!" Jennyanydots cried, flustered now. It seemed that she was completely oblivious to the fact that half her class – or all but Electra? She wasn't sure yet – was high on nip. "Now, the task for today-"
"What's the point of this, sir?" Jemima asked in a high voice. Electra looked over to her. Apparently, Jemima believed that the car was lacking in space (which Electra could see it wasn't) because she was seated in Victoria's lap. Victoria was stroking Jemima's silky fur and whispering things in Jemima's ear in a strange language that Electra didn't recognize.
…No, now that she listened closer, it was simply that Victoria was slurring horribly.
"I like your shoes, Jemi. They look good on you."
Electra blinked. Jemima wasn't wearing shoes. Why would a cat wear shoes?
"Do you know what would look even better on you? Me." She here paused to giggle hysterically. "But you're already on me!"
Electra decided not to listen further.
"The point of this is to make sure that we get jobs, just like my sugar-pie."
The "students" all stared blankly at her.
"Now, don't tell me you don't have anything in mind," Jennyanydots said sternly. She drew a clipboard out from seemingly nowhere and tapped it triumphantly with a claw. "I present evidence proving the fact that you all have aspirations and dreams!"
Victoria leant closer to Jemima. "By my name it must say Jemi. Cause all I dream of is you, baby."
Jemima tilted her head so that she could whisper back. "And all you aspire to is-" Here, Electra clapped her hands over her ears- "with me," Jemima finished, giggling.
"See, Victoria, you're to be a ballerina and Electra is to be a… well, dearie, I can't pronounce that, but I'm sure it's a fine profession… oh dear, this handwriting is atrocious… but anyway, you get the point. You are to be trained perfectly to achieve your dreams and aspirations!"
Electra had a vague sort of tingling in her head, the cry of a memory long blocked out, but she ignored it.
Jennyanydots went on. "All of you are to write me an essay." She handed out sheets of paper – most of them either damp or ripped. "You have ten minutes, go!"
Electra stared at her piece of paper. There was a brown stain at the left hand corner. With a sigh, she started on her essay.
Hello. My name is Electra. I am a young queen, but I am mature for my age. My hobbies are sleeping, eating and performing in musicals. I have friends.
She wasn't sure where to go from there. Instead, she turned to Etcetera. Surprisingly enough, the other queen had written almost triple the amount that Electra had.
"Can I see your writing?" Electra asked, hoping to snag some ideas.
"Shh," Etcetera said. "I'm writing a hot scene between Misto and Tugger."
Electra didn't ask again.
In the trunk, she could hear Mistoffelees making the oddest noises. She didn't care to listen too closely. Pouncival was balanced precariously atop the driver's seat, tearing his paper into shreds with eerie precision and tossing the remains into the air like confetti. Tumblebrutus, positioned in the seat behind, watched carefully and noted things down, giggling and blushing like a female kitten. Plato was complaining to Jennyanydots – some excuse about the paper not being friendly to the environment, therefore as a supporter of nature, he refused to write upon it.
Electra didn't bother to look at Victoria and Jemima. She knew it wasn't worth it.
"Alright, ten minutes is up!" Jennyanydots proclaimed. "Electra, please read out your essay."
In a flat tone, Electra read out the little that she had written. All Jennyanydots had to say was, "Now, now, we must remember not to tell fibs in our writing. It's unbecoming, especially when the entirety of the writing is comprised of such lies."
Electra sighed.
Since Etcetera's was so long, she only read out extracts.
"Oh, Tugger! Oh! Your eyes shine like stars! Your fur is so soft! Oh! I do love you so!"
"Misto, I don't know what else you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated."
"Tugger! I love you! I love you so much my face is about to fall off!"
"But it's such a pretty one."
Etcetera continued. Her voice grew gradually louder, as did Mistoffelees in the trunk. Electra was finding it harder to drown everything out.
"Well done, Etcetera!" Jennyanydots clapped her hands together. It was oddly silent now. "Pouncival! We'll hear yours now! I hear you're an excellent writer – can you top Etcetera?"
"Ah, yes." Pouncival fluffed his fur. "I do write, and I can prove it – ah…"
Everyone started giggling (other than Electra, of course).
"Why are you laughing?" Jennyanydots demanded.
"Because I am not the strongest of writers when it comes to, er, sharing my work," Pouncival improvised. It seemed to work.
"Well, in that case, break time. I am off to see my cupcake." With a flourish (and a flurry of cockroaches falling from her fur) she exited the car. Immediately, Electra felt the sense of being surrounded.
"Dude, Electra. You're getting left out. We saved some nip for you," Plato said, leaning so close she could see up his nose.
"No thank you," Electra said, turning up her nose. "I think… I think I'm going to leave." She took a longing glance outside, only to be met with the sight of Jennyanydots giggling and feeding Skimbleshanks a cockroach.
With her mouth.
So there was no escape, then. Electra groaned.
The car was, ohgosh, huge. It stretched out before her. There was so much space and in that space, unlimited possibilities. Electra contentedly chewed and imagined all the space, all the possibilities.
There were obviously plenty of opportunities, especially when seated on Victoria's lap with Jemima.
"Alright class, I'm ba-ack!" Jennyanydots called.
"Your eyes shine like the stars!" Etcetera cried dramatically. "Watch me fly! Watch me fly into the stars!" She made a dismal attempt to fall into Victoria's lap, but the amount of space was limited.
"VIPs only," Jemima slurred, a hint of smugness in her tone. She wrapped her arms around Electra and giggled.
"What's going on here?" Jennyanydots asked sharply. Pouncival, Tumblebrutus and Plato had long ago passed out on each other in rather compromising positions. And clutched in Pouncival's hand, seemingly offered right to Jennyanydots' face-
"I see you've started growing some herbs!" Jennyanydots said joyfully. "My, we'll make fine cats out of you yet!"
A/N: I cut it off here because of the sheer awfulness. So it may seem a little abrupt.
Have fun trying to forget this? XD