A/N: Ah! Sorry I've been inactive! I've been doing a lot more reading than writing. This one shot prompt came to mind and I just had to write it. Enjoy. Each paragraph jumps to different times, to clear any confusion.
Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroshitsuji, all characters belong to Yana Toboso.
I have to be cold, because if I allow myself to love you, in the end I'll only be hurting us both.
I've always loved you smile, your laugh, the way you always seem to be so happy. I've always loved you. It hurts me to think that you think otherwise, just because I won't smile for you. I'm sorry I've hurt you. I'm sorry for never calling you Lizzy, for making you sad. I want to make you happy, I really do, but I can't.
You think I'm angry at you for for redecorating my mansion, and although I may hate it, do not think I'm angry with you. I love how you go through so much trouble to show your love, how you're determined to make things be the same as they used to be. I wish I could be the same. I envy and love your innocence, and it makes me wish I could turn back time so I could be the same, but I simply can't. It's preposterous to think I could.
It hurts to see you cry, I'm sorry I snapped. I know you didn't mean to break the ring, and I forgive you, but you need to understand that throwing that ring away was like throwing away the last remains I had of the past, throwing away the time I was happy with you. I didn't want to lose it.
"Aren't the bluebells just gorgeous this time of year Ciel?" I stand next to you in the gardens, gazing over the vast array of flowers in bloom, admiring the scenery. You were so keen to coming out to the gardens, I couldn't say no, and I'm glad I didn't. You stand there, a look of pure happiness spread across your face as you look at the delicate blue of the flowers. I want to join you, to be lost in the thought of how beautiful they are, but I refuse to let myself be so foolish, and instead reply with a short "Well I would scorn Sebastian if he presented anything less."
Your pout is adorable, I almost slip a smile, but instead declare my checkmate as I win yet another game of chess. "You're too good at this game Ciel. Maybe you could teach me how to play as well one day." I can't stop myself from smirking. "Elizabeth, there are no tricks to being a good player, just lots of practice." Comes my emotionless reply.
A letter has been placed upon my desk that day from you, I recognized your handwriting in a heartbeat. You wanted to go to a ball, and as I read the letter, I swear I could hear your voice saying it. I can only imagine your reaction when I accepted your request, you were most likely delighted and started your hunt for the perfect dress right away. I wish I could be there to help you, but I'm forced to stay locked away in my mansion, where it's easier to keep my emotions in check.
I try not to grimace as you yell those hurtful words my way. "Why are you always so cold Ciel? Why is it so hard for you to be happy with me? You'll smile for everyone but me! Why? Do you not love me? Have I been a bad fiancee?" Your words hurt, but as much as the look on your face. You look truly hurt, your expression distraught. I want so badly to reach out and apologize but I resist. 'It's better off this way.' I remind myself. It's better to make her distant, then I won't hurt her in the end.
The truth is Elizabeth, Lizzy, I want to smile, I want to hug you, to say I love you. I truly do, but I can't. If I allow myself to love you, you'll become too close, and when I leave you'll be devastated. I don't want to hurt you that way. My life is in the devil's hands, and because of that, I have to hurt you in order to say I love you. Don't worry though, it hurts me too. More than you would ever know.