Disclaimer: Torchwood isn't mine. (It would be a lot less dark and a lot more weird if it was.) The title is from The Supremes' song, although most of you know that, I'm sure. Also "Coconut" was written by Harry Nilsson.

Ianto stood in the middle of a storage room with his arms stretched over his head and his hands tied together. The other end of the rope was secured to a beam that ran along the ceiling, and he had just enough slack to take a few steps in any direction before the rope started to burn into his wrists and jerked him back into position.

He was also naked.

And he'd been looking forward to this. Hell, he needed this after the week he had. First, there was the meeting with the UNIT officers who had once again stomped all over their jurisdiction. Then, the police interfered with an investigation by inadvertently destroying evidence. Then, the world almost ended… again. And to top it all off, he spent most of the previous day cleaning up after a foul alien creature who left dark trails of slime everywhere she slithered. Ianto actually had to wash his hair with tomato juice to get rid of the stink.

But finally, they had the day off, and he was ready for quality time with Jack, who stood in front of him, fully dressed, twirling a riding crop. Soon he wouldn't have to think stupid UNIT guards who thought they owned the planet, inept policemen, alien wankers who wanted to blow them all to Kingdom come, his ruined suit, the fact that he had forgotten to pay his rent the because he had been to busy. Soon he wouldn't have to think at all.

Jack had that unbelievably filthy grin on his face. Ianto was ready. This was going to be good.

Then, Jack's wrist strap began to beep.

"No!" Ianto shouted. "Bloody hell! No!"

"Hold your horses," Jack said. "It's not the rift. It's Gwen."

Ianto took a deep breath, letting go of his momentary frustration on the exhale. "Okay."

"I told everyone to take the day off," Jack muttered. "I should see what she wants." He took a few steps towards the door.

"Okay… wait… what?"

"Hang tight. I'll be right back," Jack said as he slipped out the of the room.

"Jack! Jack!" Ianto yelled. He was still standing in the middle of the room, completely nude with his hands bound.

Ianto considered the possibility that there might actually be trouble while he was in this state. Perhaps Gwen had seen something important that could not wait. Perhaps aliens had taken her as a hostage and forced her to give them access to the hub. They could burst into the room at any moment and find him already trussed up, sparing them the time and the effort.

But if Jack had thought there was actually trouble, he would have cut Ianto down. Jack wasn't that inept or overconfident, and Ianto was certain that he'd be back soon enough.

However, it was a shitty thing to do to leave a lover hanging that way.

But Ianto waited.

To pass the time, he thought about ink cartridges. They were running low on them. Gwen had a penchant for printing a lot of images and plastering them on walls. He'd have to buy some more paper, as well. And Scotch tape.

Staples? Did they need more staples? Owen did like to shoot them at people when he was bored.

Ianto's nose itched.

Back to his list. Jack wanted him to get some more lubricant -- the kind for metal hinges, not the other kind. Tosh had said she wanted something or another. It was on a post-it note on her desk. He'd have a look at that later.

He sneezed, and the rope chafed his wrists. If he caught a cold from this experience…

He struggled against the ropes. Unfortunately, Jack had created a secure knot. He must have learned from the last time Ianto managed to free himself, but he did have to admit such a skill had proven useful out in the field.

Ianto was beginning to lose track of time, but maybe the seconds seemed longer while standing in a stress position.

He lifted his right leg and placed his foot on the inside of his left thigh. In yoga, they called it the tree position… at least that was what he thought. He made a mental note to look up it up when he was out of this mess. But perhaps it didn't really matter what the damned pose was called; there was nothing relaxing about it at the moment.

He no longer feared torture; he had Captain Jack Harkness as a lover.

He began to sing in his head. It might have been more distracting to sing out loud, but he couldn't do the accent, and without the accent, he couldn't really do the song justice.

Brother bought a coconut, he bought it for a dime
His sister had another one, she paid it for a lime.
She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up,
She put the lime in the coconut, she called the doctor, woke him up…

Yes, better if the song stayed in his head. Besides, there was a camera in the room. Jack would never let him live it down if he heard him.

Say "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take,
I say, Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?
I say, Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take,
I say Doctor! let me get this straight".

He had the slime alien to blame for getting that song stuck in his head. She carried around a satellite radio tuned to a station that played nothing but novelty songs.

Still, it was a good song. (Better than that German one about the crocodile Tosh kept humming last night.)

Of course, now he was thirsty.

And his arms were going to be sore later.

The door creaked open. About fucking time!

Jack had that bastard grin on his face. Fuck, it made him look infuriatingly hot.

"Now where were we?" Jack asked.

"What took you so fucking long?"

Jack closed the door and stepped closer to his prisoner, tapping a riding crop lightly on his leg. "You know how chatty Gwen gets."

Jack ran the tip of the crop along Ianto's collar bone and down the young man's chest.

"What did she want?" Ianto asked.

"I ask the questions around here," Jack said, tracing contour of Ianto's ass.

"Oh yes, let's pick up right where we left off. Never mind that I've been stuck in here for who knows how long."

Jack wet his lips and gazed up into the other man's eyes. "Are you going to be any trouble?"

The crop moved along the length of Ianto's cock, making that piece of flesh twitch.

Ianto scoffed.

The older man's eyebrow flickered.

"You know what I do to people who are so much trouble?" Jack asked. He moved behind Ianto and pressed the tip of the crop against the young man's neck.

"What? Leave them cold and bored and restless."

Jack stepped back and remained silent.

When the wait became unbearable, Ianto yelled, "Hello! Are you still with me? As punishments go, this is really shit."

The first blow was a shock to Ianto's system. Jack was so quick that he didn't have enough time to brace himself. Ianto gasped and almost lost his footing, but he grabbed the rope and held himself up.

"Now what were you saying?" Jack asked.

"Really, I had a sixty year-old schoolmaster who could --"

The second blow was harder, and Ianto grunted accordingly.

Jack pressed his chest into Ianto's back and ghosted his fingers along the 'v' of young man's hips. His hands were tantalizingly close to Ianto's cock and balls, but Jack wasn't going to give the other man any satisfaction just yet. He murmured, "You know, you really shouldn't taunt your leader."

Ianto tried to shift his hips into Jack's hand. "Is that so?"

"But if you're a good, little boy, I'll give you exactly what you want. Now, are you ready to behave?"

"No," Ianto said. If Jack thought that he was going to be a good, little submissive, the man was sorely mistaken.

"No?"

"I am no longer in the mood to behave," Ianto explained calmly.

"I am in charge here --"

Ianto laughed. "You'll give me what I want regardless if I've been good or if I've been naughty."

"Yeah?"

"Oh, yeah," Ianto said. "And you have no idea how naughty I've been lately."

"You?"

"Yes, me. You remember that police constable you were chatting up the other day."

"Cute blonde? Nice dimples? It's a shame he found me too intimidating."

A smug grin spread across the young man's face. "I told him that you had syphilis. Now, suck my cock."

The room fell into silence. Ianto was certain that Jack was replaying the situation in his head. He could even see the cogs in his lover's head rolling. Finally, Jack smacked Ianto's ass again.

"And the last time we had lunch, when you were in the loo, I told the waiter that you were a mental patient because you smiled at him longer than necessary."

Ianto's ass seared at the next couple of blows. At the same time, his cock grew harder.

"I told him you were a sexual deviant. I told him to watch his bits and pieces because I didn't know when you were going to snap," Ianto said through gritted teeth.

His cock began to throb with the next few hits.

Once he got his breath back, Ianto said in a sweet voice, "I only do it because I care."

Jack tossed aside the riding crop and faced Ianto. He grabbed the Ianto by the hair and pulled the young man's head back. His other hand roamed over the other man's pubic hair. Ianto hissed as Jack tugged his balls and rolled them in his fingers.

"Now jerk me off, you right prick!" Ianto growled.

Jack flexed the fingers before slowly wrapping them around the other man's shaft. He stroked it lazily like he had all the time in the world.

"Do it right, you fucker!" Ianto said.

Grabbing the back of Ianto's neck, Jack kissed the young man violently and sloppily. He jammed his tongue into Ianto's mouth, asserting his dominance. Meanwhile, his hand gripped tighter around Ianto's cock and picked up speed.

Ianto closed his eyes and tossed his head back. He was sure that the ropes digging into his skin were going to leave a mark. He might even walk away with blisters on his hands as he struggled to maintain his balance, but he didn't care. The way Jack's tongue felt on his neck, the way Jack's hand felt on his cock, the way Jack's scent mixed with his and filled the room more than made up for a few abrasions. In the next few days, he'll be able to look at those scars and smile.

Ianto's blood pressure skyrocketed. His pupils blew up. His hips moved in time with Jack's movements. Suddenly, there was no pain. Instead, a sense of euphoria zinged through his mental circuitry, and a white-hot jolt of pleasure surged through his body.

Throughout all of this, Jack held him tightly, allowing the semen to cover his shirt and trousers, preventing his man from collapsing from a wave of joy, riding out every last shudder from his lover's body.

And when Ianto regained his composure, Jack kissed the young man with his eyes open. The corners of Jack's mouth lifted up into a smile as Ianto's tongue caressed his own.

Then, the older man reached into his back pocket for a switchblade. Ianto even gasped playfully as the blade shot out of its sheath. Jack laughed and cut the rope.

As Jack untied the rope around Ianto's wrists, the young man asked, "Really, what was Gwen doing here?"

"Tosh gave her a gift certificate for her birthday, but she left it in her desk. It took her a while to find it in that mess."

"I keep trying to instill the value of organization in the rest of you lot, but do you ever listen?"

Jack kissed Ianto's rope burns gingerly. "Why do we have to be organized when we've got you to take care of us?"

"Fuck you."

"Oh that mouth of yours," Jack said before he kissed it. Then, he frowned. "Hey. When you were talking about the constable and the waiter, you never actually said those things to them, did you? You only said those things in character, right? I mean, it's not the scenario we had planned. And you're very hot when you're defiant, but…"

Ianto paused for five seconds before he said, "Okay."

He walked away from Jack, heading to the showers.

Jack stood in the middle of the room, holding the rope. "'Okay?' What's that supposed to mean? Ianto? Ianto?!"

Ianto smiled, thinking of new ways he could torture Jack. After all, the bastard deserved it. He didn't even say, "I'm sorry."