The Realm of Possibility
I wondered into a world of non-existence, maybe not so much as wondered, but tripped, fell, stumbled, without my permission into immortality. It wasn't all bad, the speed, the sense of invincibility, the undeniable power, was amazing and unbelievable. But the insanity of everything else was more of a thunderous weight on my shoulders than anything else. Most days, I would forget about ever living, ever seeing, ever feeling, as the days would meld together and it was hard to tell when one ended, and the other began. It was so routine, even though I knew I had every power capable to turn my life into the most exciting, most thrilling, most lived of all eternity. I could, but I never did. It was a lot easier to just hide and hope that no one would notice, find, or reveal you. But the need for freedom and release never failed to seep into my mind and latch on with a raging strength.
What was freedom to me though? Was it racing through forests without a worry into my mind about hitting trees or stumbling? Was it the ability to climb trees at my own accord and not fret about the fact that I could fall in a single instant? Was it the capability to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted? No. It was not any of those, because I really had them all. Freedom to me is the power to not deny who I was. To no longer have to turn away all signs of temptations. To never have to look in the mirror (yes, I show up in mirrors), and think, I need strength.
Physical strength was all I had, nobody could doubt that, but the emotional restrain I had perfected through the years was becoming weak and frayed, and threatened to break all together. If it did, there would be no going back. I don't mean just giving into the dire need to drink human blood, but giving into the unworldly ache to drink her blood. Her blood, the thing that kept her near me, kept her living. I wanted it with the most unnerving yearning in the world. To even taste a drop of it on my tongue would send me into utter utopia, and unheavenly pleasure. Or so I would imagine, as my will had somehow proven worthy and strong.
As if the need to drink her human blood wasn't disgusting enough, I was irreversibly in love with her. So irreversible that all my thoughts were constantly occupied by her, even the little things, her smile, her rosy cheeks, her warmth, would find its way into my brain. Not that I minded really, I loved thinking about her, and how in one single look she could make me the happiest man in ever existence. What I didn't like was that not only were my thoughts always about her human qualities, they were shamelessly always about slaying such perfection. When I thought about her painfully beautiful face, and goddess body, my tormenting mind never failed to think about how she would look drained of all blood. And I would be the one draining her, drinking her, killing her.
My imagination was more vivid than anything, and it often clouded my better judgement. Stay away from her, everyone warned me, never out loud though, scared to insult my inner strength, but their words were always there, spoken inside and were heard louder than any cries. I knew to stay away from her, she was like the devil, testing my boundaries and ready to torture me when I failed. I warned her to stay away for her own safety, but her silly human instincts seemed to tell her something different. I warned her I was dangerous, but they assured her that there was no one safer. Who knew one of my most mortal enemies would be the love of my existence's intuition.
She stayed close to me. Always too close, but never ever close enough. If she ever were to be too near when I was thirsty there would be no excuse for my actions. She was the devil, always taunting me, always thinking that I was stronger than I actually was, always waiting for me to mess up. Or that was how I thought of it in my mind. She was never doing any of these things on purpose, never plotting horrible things against me like I did to her. She was an utter goddess, I was the one who was the devil. To allow her to be near me, that was purely wrong. We were both temptations in our own separate ways. She was tempting me with the heavenly scent of her blood, and I was tempting her with my whole existence. I was tempting her to leave everything behind, leave everyone, and just be with me. I was tempting her to walk away from heaven where she belonged, and take my hand into the leaping fires of hell.
How silly I was to think that she would ever just walk away and deny me like I denied myself any sense of pleasure. How silly I was to think that she would stay. But also how silly I was to think that I could ever continue living (because really, what choice did I have?) with her in my life. My days no longer melded together, but there was light and darkness where it should be, and no more shades of grey. How was it possible that one small human would be capable to doing all this to me? It was impossible, but so was our love.
Often times I wondered how she could ever love someone as retched as me. Love someone who had killed, and slaughtered. I guess when they say 'love is blind', it is true, but that leads me into a dark tunnel of fear of when she would regain her sight again. Because really, how long could she stay oblivious and understanding to the blunt fact that I was a monster? How long could she keep thinking that she was blessed in receiving me, when it was I who had been blessed by even receiving her gaze.
It was also impossible to fathom the idea that I was in love with a mortal. Humans had never appealed to me in another sense other than their blood. They were too ordinary, too normal, and dare I say boring. That might have been unfair because I was human once, and I didn't know which one I was happier being, a human dying, or a vampire living. But her, oh the things I could say about her. Never could any of the words used to describe her be a bad thing. Maybe that was one of the problems too. She was too good for me. Too pure, too untainted. And there I was, ready to taint perfection. I really was the devil wasn't I? Even with one look at her I already knew that I had tainted her by being the one constant thought in her mind, ravelling and unravelling, twisting through her subconscious.
Maybe I'm being too selfish to even think that I was of some importance to her. Yes, that was what I was. Selfish in every possible form. But when did the realm of impossibility meet the small realm of possibly? It was meeting right now, in the tangled mess of her bed. Every thing impossible seemed possible at this very moment, because when it was just us, without the complications of the outside world, almost everything was forgotten. However me being a vampire, and her being a vulnerable human could never ever be forgotten or looked over, tonight the labels were kept captive in the confinements of the deep dark chambers of hell. It was undeniable that circumstances would arise at our impossible pairing, but right now, it was possible to forget all of that.
I felt her shift from on top of me, her brunette tresses tickling my chin.
"Bella?" I whispered into her ear, feeling the strong heat radiating from her skin.
"Hm?" She mumbled slightly and I couldn't help but chuckle at her humanness. She stirred again, more aggressively against my chest, and I could hear her heart beat quicken as she gained consciousness. "Edward?" she mumbled again, more audible this time.
"Yes?"
She raised her head, placing her angular chin on her hand which was still lying against my chest, and gazed up at me. Oh, when she looked at me like that, the feeling was indescribable. How do you put utter perfection and adoring love into words? You can't.
" I love you."
I drew in a breath, and furrowed my eyebrows. Thought of how she could ever love a monster flooded into my mind again and I gave her a disapproving look. Before I could speak, she raised her other hand and clamped it over my mouth. It would be too easy to just lift her hand like a feather and make my point audible to her, but I remained still, waiting for what she would say.
"Don't Edward. Don't tell me that you don't deserve me. Don't tell me that I would be better off without you. Don't tell me that there is no way I could ever love you. Because you are more than wrong. I love you more than life itself and you can't change that. Nosirrebob. Don't even think about the ways to try to make me hate you mister, because that would be impossible. What's possible, is right now we can just be with each other and not worry about anything in the world. You and me are not impossible and never will be. I love you, that is the only thing possible other than this moment."
I was taken back by her words and the aggression in them. I was reminded of the cage that I kept my horrid thoughts in and shoved them back in there.
"You're wrong." I said, returning her powerful gaze. I watched her face take in the assumed meaning of my words, and before she could protest, my lips were on hers. When both our breathing were much too uneven, I broke away from her lips and moved mine to her throat.
"There is another thing possible, " I whispered into the hollow base of her neck, trailing my nose upwards towards her ear.
"And what's that?" She whispered back to me, and I could tell that she was trying very hard to keep her breathing even enough for her to talk. I smiled against her angelic skin, and placed a tender kiss on the side of her neck.
"The other thing possible is that I love you more than anything in this world."
With those words spoken, I knew that everything happened for a reason, no matter how improbable they seemed. I returned my lips to her heavenly ones and kissed her with a sense of abandonment. Not abandonment of her, of course, but of the terrible thoughts of that were always in mind about what would happen if I ever lost too much control. His sense of control could never leave him, but his thoughts were gone. With her, nothing was impossible. Nothing in this world, nothing about her and I, nothing about her love was impossible. With another passionate kiss, we thrusted into the realm of possibility.