Wade Wilson's Super-Wacky Fun-Time List of X-Person Rules on How -

by Cliche-Joe

- Not To Fuck Up. So you've seen the movie – not only that but it's mother-fucking sequel – and like our very own Sad-Fucker of an author here, saw that lil' ol' book in Colossus' thick, velvety metal fingers and wondered what other rules the X-People had knockin' around in there. Well get ready kids, 'cos this ain't even close. (Rated for language and everything else)

Wade Wilson's Super-Wacky Fun-Time List of X-Person Rules on How Not to Fuck Up

Listen up fuck-nuggets, I don't give a fuck why you're here. All I know is that I'm in some shitty back-alley fanfiction being read by a bunch of lonely assholes whose lonesome-asshole-ery is only topped by that of the sad fucker writing this.

The very same sad fucker who is now questioning what kind of bullshit is dribbling, warm and milky, from their fingertips as they tippety-tap away at their keyboard in the middle of the night. That's right you fucker, I know who you are. Now stop crying and get back to work. Monologues don't write themselves.

Anyway, where was I?

Ah, yes. Why we are all here.

Without getting into all the metaphysical nitty-gritty of it all, we are here because you read the title of this piece of trash and figured it'd be good for a laugh. Because you, like our very own Sad-Fucker here, watched my movie – and not only that but it's mother-fucking sequel (Aside: Suck it Passion of the Christ, no sequel for your dead-ass) – and saw that lil' ol' book in Colossus' thick, velvety metal fingers and wondered what other rules the X-People had knockin' around in there.

Well, I'm here to put an end to your endless wondering.

In short: you ain't gonna' find out you obsessive dickweeds. In long: It's fictional, and no one will ever know the juicy contents held in those muscly, silver digits, but what I can provide – or what Sad-Fucker can provide – is a short, made-up, mostly-plagiarised list of rules (most of which were only funny in the late 2000's) that could or could not be applied in this very vague scenario.

Now go have fun you kids and remember to keep it clean!

Lots of snuggles and slobbery kisses,

Deadpool

XXXX

XXX

X_X

[THE ATTACHED DRAWINGS CANNOT BE SHOWN DUE TO FANFICITION RATING LAWS AND LEGAL DISPUTES WITH SONY AND MARVEL STUDIOS]

…

Number 1: No killing. In any situation. Ever.

-Mostly

-Unless it's the second Tuesday of the month

-Maybe

-Okay, if they're being a dickweed then sure

Number 2: Label everything in the fridge. We will not be held responsible for what you don't fight for.

Number 3: No innuendos. No more than 5 innuend No more than 10 innuendos per person per day for which Wade can exploit for comedy-giggles. The audience can only take so much. This is not an Adam Sandler movie.

Number 4: No more 'Say Anything' references.

Number 5: No more mixing random chemicals in the labs to 'See what happens'. Even if it is in the name of science.

Number 6: No more mixing the chemicals backwards. This is a bad idea. It will not happen again.

Number 7: I will not attack the students for no reason

Number 8: I will not attack the students even if I have a reason. Especially if it is a real one.

Number 9: I will not attack any one else for that matter.

-(To clarify: 'anyone else' entails the following – regular staff, irregular staff, other team members, non-team members, visiting politicians, kidnapped politicians, royal family members, dignitaries, hobos, people I find on the street, that one kid who looked at me funny in fifth grade, Jenny Lebowski who said no to me at prom –)

Number 10: Painting the classroom walls does not get me extra grade points for my GPA

-I cannot paint the classroom walls despite this

-I am not a student. I am almost forty. I do not have a GPA.

Number 11: I cannot knock down walls and claim its interior decoration

Number 12: If the thought of something makes me laugh for more than 15 seconds I must never think of it again.

Number 13: I will not poke anyone with spoons.

Number 14: No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate the Crocodile hunter when describing faculty or students. It's unsettling.

Number 15: I am no longer allowed near the PA system.

Number 16: The Rules are not a challenge. I may not take them as such.

Number 17: No pets are permitted on school grounds unless a psychic link is proven, or its presence is mandatory.

-A psychic link is not the same as staring deeply into its eyes until 'the sexual tension becomes thick enough to slice with a butter knife'.

Number 18: I am not a witch and do not weigh the same as a duck.

Number 19: '42' is not the answer to all my problems.

Number 20: Asking 'How do you keep an idiot in suspense?' was only funny the first time.

Number 21: It is a bad idea to tell Logan that he takes himself too seriously.

Number 22: New students are not 'cannon fodder'. Do not pet their hair as you tell them this.

Number 23: I must not establish any gambling rings inside or on school grounds. The students do not know how to play.

Number 24: I must not teach the students how to play poker. Even if I've yet to learn myself.

Number 25: I must not learn how to play poker.

Number 26: Staff poker nights are held at 9pm on Thursdays. Locations will be discussed in advance.

Number 27: If a student asks me what any piece of weaponry in my wide array of an arsenal does, yelling 'It does DEATH!' May be correct but it is not the way one should respond.

Number 28: Charles Xavier may be referred to as 'Professor Xavier' or 'Professor X', and 'Headmaster' on more formal occasions, not 'my liege'.

Number 29: A watch is not a flux capacitator, I should therefore not try and install it in to anyone's car.

Number 30: I am not a member of the Spanish inquisition and I never will be.

Number 31: I may not form a bowling team. I am dangerous enough as it is.

Number 32: 'I can explain, but I'll need a a bazooka and a donkey' is not an acceptable excuse.

Number 33: I am not the ruler of any country, continent or small civilisation.

Number 34: I am no longer allowed to threaten people with black magic.

- I must not challenge anyone's disbelief in black magic by asking for their hair.

Number 35: I must not add 'and so says the prophecy' to the end of answers that I give to staff or students.

Number 36: I am not allowed to join (another) militia.

Number 37: I am not allowed to form (another) militia.

Number 38: I am not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

Number 39: Giant Space ants are not the top of the food chain. Stop telling people that they are.

Number 40: There isn't an anti-mime operation taking place in France and even if there was I am not allowed to join it.

Number 41: I must stop performing psychological experiments on staff and students. If I do any ensuing therapy bills are to be sent to my bank account.

Number 42: Crucifixes do not ward of staff or students. I should not test this.

Number 43: Permanent marker is not an acceptable replacement for face paint during sports events.

-Nor is woad.

Number 44: I am not in need of a more suitable host body; I should not say this in front of large groups of people.

Number 45: I will not tie-dye the students.

Number 46: I will not write notes in red ink and claim its blood-

-I will not write notes in blood

-Especially if it's someone else's'

Number 47: The large trees around school are not Ent wives.

Number 48: I am no longer allowed to purchase anyone's soul on school grounds.

Number 49: It is better to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission no longer applies to me.

Number 50: I cannot build a barricade using school furniture. Even if it is to keep out the French.

Number 51: I am not authorized to fire 'incompetent' staff members.

Number 52: There are no evil clowns in the supply closets.

Number 53: I am not the mascot for Psychological warfare.

Number 54: Tin foil hats do not keep out space mind control Lasers. I am just as screwed as everyone else.

Number 55: I should stop trying to disprove the saying 'the pen is mightier than the sword.'

-I should not try and prove it either.

Number 56: Revolutions against the school are banned.

Number 57: I am no longer allowed to use wheely-chairs as a mode of transport.

Number 58: I cannot challenge any students to meet me in the 'Field of Honour'

-I cannot challenge members of staff either.

Number 59: I must not grope Colossus' ass, even if it is 'firm and ripe like a sexy peach'.

Number 60: I cannot perform integral Hamlet scenes with my own head. You know which one I'm talking about.

Number 61: I am no longer allowed bring any members of Deadpool Corps on to school grounds. Ever again.

-Except maybe Dogpool.

Number 62: No Logan or Wolverine paraphernalia is permitted on school gr – All 'Wolverine' and 'Logan' paraphernalia must always be kept out of sight and reach of students.

-Especially explicit paraphernalia.

-That includes your 'Logan' blow-up doll.

-Your 'Logan' blow-up doll is not your girlfriend, do not bring it to anymore school mealtimes.

Number 63: Ahahahahaha

Number 64: HAHAHahahha

Number 65: HAhhahha

Number 66: Ahhahahhahha

Number 67: Ahhahahha

Number 68: Hahahhha

Number 69: Nice

A/N: I own nothing. Not even most of the rules. (It's not plagiarism. It's research. Promise.)