AN: I really just felt like writing a crackfic lol. (I think) I suck at crack fics, but plz bear with me! The way I see it, Hiroki is like the center of the big yaoi web we call Junjou Romantica (he knows all the semes fairly/pretty well) so I decided to make him my victim. *effortlessly dodges barrage of books and pencils* Now then. Allons-y!
Disclaimer: Disclaimer. Hah. Didn't expect that, did you.
So there he was. On the roof of the hospital, eating lunch with Nowaki. "Hiro-saaan! Look, a fairy!" Nowaki cried out suddenly, jumping and pointing, and scaring the shit outta Hiroki.
"What fairy?" Hiroki asked, pissed. He turned and looked. It was a little Akihiko with wings shaped like rubber ducks, wearing a suit, rabbit tail, and a hat that looked like the infamous Pringles Panda. "That's just Akihiko!" Hiroki said.
"Hiroki, have you seen Misaki? I wanted to try some of the things in my books." tiny fairy Akihiko said, face stoic.
"Not a clue. Get lost, I'm busy drinking." Hiroki muttered, taking a big gulp of his apple juice.
"Where is Misaki?" Akihiko asked. "Tell me, or I'll make you kiss that Miyagi guy."
Hiroki scoffed. "He's already sleeping with a kid."
"Him, too? Not just us?" Akihiko asked. "Does that count as a shota complex?"
Hiroki flicked Akihiko away, and tiny fairy Usagi-san flew to Jupiter where nobody could stop him from eating Misaki. "So, what do we do now?" Nowaki asked. "Can I have Hiro-san for dessert?" he asked, APPEARING innocent.
"That depends. First, we must escape." Hiroki replied.
"Escape?" Nowaki questioned, tilting his head in confusion.
Hiroki nodded. "The world is ending."
Nowaki gaped. "Hiro-san, what did you do?" he asked, thoroughly concerned.
"I didn't do it! But the world is ending."
"Let's have sex."
"The end of the world got worse." Hiroki said, groaning. Suddenly, Miyagi jumps up onto the roof in a pink toga!
"No it didn't! Ne, Kamijou~~?" he exclaimed, glomping Hiroki. Nowaki twisted his arm.
"Hiro-san is mine to touch! Go away!" he screamed angrily. Hiroki had a headache now. Not wanting to hear it, he sprouted a tail and swam through the sky to the ferris wheel. Suddenly, the tail vanished! Hiroki fell into a big blue box, and not bothering to contemplate the size of it or the noise, he quickly walked out.
"I'm bored." he thought aloud, and Aikawa appeared randomly, dressed like a green cat.
"You help me, then!" she exclaimed. "I used to be a powerful magic being, but I got cursed and ended up like this. Help me get Usami-sensei to write his manuscript, so I can quit being a green cat!"
Hiroki thought for a moment and shrugged. "Sorry, can't. I flicked him off the Earth." he said, walking off. "Goodbye, Satan." She stared.
"How'd he know?"
Hiroki decided he'd go swimming. He took his clothes off and jumped into the pirahna-filled lake. Just when he had gotten relaxed, he saw Misaki running through the sky being chased by hordes of strawberries. Close behind was the ghost of Christmas Strawberries, Haruhiko Usami! Hiroki swam back to shore and said goodbye to his friends the fish before walking home. But when he opens the door, he sees Miyagi, Shinobu and Nowaki all naked on the floor. He pulled the three apart.
"Professor! What the hell are you doing in MY HOUSE? Get the fuck outta here!" he all but screamed. Shinobu threw a cabbage in his face before walking out with Miyagi, both stark naked. Hiroki turned to face Nowaki. "You bastard! What were you DOING?" he yelled, red-faced. Nowaki hung his head.
"Hiro-san was gone!" he cried, glomping Hiroki. "And..."
"Nowaki, I'm back. Where'd we leave off?" Akihiko said, now normal-sized and topless. He wrapped his arms around Nowaki...
"STOP IT, DAMMIT!"
Thud.
Hiroki sat on the floor by the bed, rubbing his head. Nowaki came running. "Hiro-san! Are you okay? Hiro-san!" he cried. Hiroki glared.
"I'm fine. Can you get me the phone?"
"Huh? Ok..."
Hiroki angrily dialed. Before the other could say a word, Hiroki snapped. "Okay, Bakahiko, what the fuck was in that cake? ...What do you mean you gave me the wrong one?"
Three guesses who that cake was meant for? XD I can't write crack for the life of me, but it was kinda fun while it lasted.