My Heart Will Go On

The pain begins to creep up my spin then shoot like lightning back down my legs; a painful moan slips up my counting through the contractions. I feel the sweat beading on my forehead, I can't take it anymore, and begin to pant.

"Mrs. Thomas, I know you're in a lot of pain right now so we are going to have you push soon." Said the blond-headed nurse as her hand disappears underneath my blanket that covers my lower half. I never thought that the pain could possibly be this intense, but I replay the last thing that she said into my head. "Push Soon" that couldn't even be possible at this moment.

"My husband, I need to wait for him." I pant, another painful contraction, another painful moan. "We were going to find out the sex of the baby together. He has to be here, he said he would." I explain between pants. The thought of me going through all this pain and pushing alone hits me hard in the chest; Tears begin to leak before I can completely finish my thought.

"I'm truly sorry, but he will have to miss this. You're ten centimeters, and the baby's head is crowning. You have to push now!" the tone of her voice changes from polite nurse to concerned mother. I know that she means business and I do as she tells me….I start to push.

I can't even think anymore as the pain feels like it's splitting my skull in half, the pressure is too much and I stop pushing as soon as she says "8". I'm drenched in sweat at this point, and I feel like I'm ripping from the inside-out.

"Mrs. Thomas, you can't stop pushing now. You have to keep going." Her face was serious. "If you stop now, your baby could suffocate. The cord is wrapped around the baby's neck, you must keep going." Just then the baby's heart monitor beeps in acceleration and I know that I have to save this baby that is both myself, and my husband. Our hearts molded into one being. I take a deep breath and bear down with all of my might. "Yes Mrs. Thomas just like that; eight, nine, ten. Breathe and push."

My only focus is listening to the baby's heart monitor, and the count. Then I feel arms on my shoulders squeezing them in comfort, I look around expecting to see him. Nothing. No one is behind me, but the feeling stays there. I push again and again and then the pressure is gone, but there is no cry. "My Baby?!" I being to panic, and lightly in my ear I hear a shushing noise. Almost soothing, then a voice as light as a whisper saying, "He is beautiful. I love you" I could not believe I was hearing what I was hearing. The nurse had my baby wrapped up in the receiving blanket and as she handed him to me she was smiling. "Your baby is beautiful" I looked up at hear and say, "Didn't you just say that? I heard…" I trail off as a look of confusion crosses her face. "I'm gonna clean you up down there, but I will wait to tell you the sex of the baby until your husband comes." "Thank you…for everything" was all I could say as I looked at this wonderful baby. Not a sound was coming out of its mouth, but in the corners was a slight curve. A hint of a smile, almost hidden behind the swollen cheeks. As I continued to stare in amazement at this miracle the baby began to flutter its eyes. My miracle looked right into my eyes and we glazed at each other for what felt like an eternity before a knock at the door made me break focus. My stomach dropped with the hope that Christopher would be behind that door ready to meet our baby. "Just finished", said the nurse as her head popped up. "Come in" she lowered the blanket to cover my lower half.

Another nurse's head poked into the room and whispered something to my nurse. "I'll be back in just a moment, sweetheart" I had an uneasy feeling in my stomach as if something really bad was about to happen. "I love you, Angie" said the voice. I knew then it was real, my husband was gone. No one ever called me Angie, but him. It was not a hallucination; I heard it as clear as anything. My throat felt like it was swelling up. I could hardly catch my breath and then the pressure on my shoulders came back, almost instantly I felt a calming affect come over me. Still, tears poured down my face and I looked down at our son. The only thing I had left of him. Our son was still staring at me, but then his eyes moved to behind me. I know he could see Christopher and that hit me hard. "I love you, Christopher" I said as I looked at my shoulder. "And I love you too, Christopher Jr." just then the door opened and the nurse walked back in as pale as a ghost. I knew why…but now, somehow my mind was ready to handle it, because even in death my husband was with me, and I knew he always would be.

The End…