SUMMARY:
Vala has on her own for a long time, she developed a set of rules to live by in order to survive, but a certain archeologist always seems to be making her question her personal code...
A/N: This story was written for the dv xmas exchange over on LiveJournal and is based on "The Only Exception" a song by Paramore. (a prompt from misplaced_angst) The lyrics of that song (many of which are included, in italics, throughout the fic) took over my brain in a very Vala way and this fic began to take form. It's a Daniel/Vala story filled with a bunch of angst (what else would I write) as well as some romance and a bunch of Vala backstory!
And I couldn't have done it without the help of my beta/co-writer/awesome friend (she knows who she is) who got me through wanting to throw my computer out the window after getting frustrated because I hadn't written anything in so so so very long!
Hopefully you like it! Reviews are love (but be kind, it's been over a year since I've written anything!)
-
Rules for Survival
The heavy metal door creaked open slowly, its rusted hinges screeching their protest. Vala squinted up into the glaring light that streamed into her cell from the hallway beyond. A man's silhouette loomed before her.
She aimed her most venomous stare in its direction.
"Your friend is dead. He tried to escape and was shot. Just thought you might like to know." The burly guard paused to gauge Vala's reaction. Her glare did not waver, but he caught the smallest of twitches as her jaw tightened. He smiled cruelly, and continued, "It's funny, he probably would have succeeded if he had actually left once he managed to get out of his cell. Instead, we caught him trying to make his way down here, to you. Fool."
He watched as Vala's shoulders began to cave inward, even as her hands formed defiant, white-knuckled fists against the stone wall to which they were chained.
The guard laughed – a deep, full belly laugh that was sickeningly out of place. When the chuckles subsided, he asked congenially, "How does it feel, I wonder, to know you killed him?"
Vala determinedly held her glare until, disappointed when his taunts elicited no further response, the guard spat at her and stalked from the room. She remained statue-like until his footsteps had faded from her hearing. It was only then that she released a long, shuddering breath and loosed her painfully clenched fingers.
A soft ping echoed through her tiny cell. Vala stared in numb confusion at the slim piece of metal now lying on the floor. A minute or two, maybe ten, ticked by before she finally remembered that she had been attempting to pick the locks on the manacles around her wrists when the guard had entered. Vala leaned over and retrieved the lock pick. She winced as the skin on her palm flared into red-hot pins and needles. Without looking, she knew a mirrored copy of the lock pick was now imprinted in her hand – so tightly had she held it in her grasp.
"Dammit Daniel, why do you always have to be the hero," Vala muttered. She fumbled blindly with the manacles, moisture clouding her eyes.
-
"Oh, come on Daniel, we're just getting started! Let's have a drink or something. Have some fun for once." Daniel let out a longsuffering sigh. "Vala," he said impatiently. "We aren't here to have fun. We are representatives of the SGC, here to broker a trade agreement for Earth. And while I understand that you would like to catch up with your old…" He trailed off and looked askance around the dingy barroom, raising an eyebrow at its questionable patrons, before continuing, "'business partners…'" Vala scoffed. "Please Daniel, I could practically hear the ground quotes there -," " "- and I have to say I didn't care for it. These were my friends, once. Well…sort of. And I'd like to stay and have a drink now that we've got what we came for." "No." "Daniel. Just one drink. What could it hurt?" She was enjoying reliving the 'good 'ol days' despite herself. "We told the others we'd meet them after speaking with my contact, and to come looking for us if we weren't back in an hour. According to my watch we have fifteen minutes to spare before Mitchell starts worrying, and approximately ten more after that before he charges in here, guns drawn, demanding to know what's happened to us." Vala smiled sweetly. "Just one drink, Daniel. One teensy, tiny drink." She held up her hand, thumb and index finger an inch apart, and regarded him hopefully. Daniel pursed his lips and pinched the bridge of his nose as though he had a headache. Knowing defeat when she saw it, Vala gave a woop of victory and was out of her chair before he could say the "I'm going to regret this," that was on the tip of his tongue. When Vala reached the crowded bar, she tapped the shoulder of a large man sitting with his back to her. "Darling, could you shove over a little and let a girl get a drink?" she asked. The man stiffened at the sound of her voice. He pushed himself away from the bar and turned around quickly. The flirtatious smile Vala had been wearing faded from her lips as she tilted her head back and looked up. And up. A vague sense of déjà vu filled her. The muscles in her neck cried out in recognition as she craned to look him in the eye. Though Vala could not place his face, he most definitely could place hers and his ugly expression told her all she needed to know: he was one of the many people she had swindled in her past life. "Vala Mal Doran," he bit out. He bared his teeth menacingly and took a step toward her. Vala hastened to move away, trying to keep a safe distance between them. Her mouth automatically began spewing out false pleasantries while she attempted to find her way out of the scrape into which she'd just unwittingly stumbled. The man – Paul? Patrick? – continued to advance on her, herding her toward a dimly lit corner. She was about to try telling him he couldn't hurt her because she was pregnant with his child when she heard Daniel clear his throat. From somewhere behind the smelly mountain of a man Daniel asked, "Is there a problem here?" Slowly the man – Peter? Pablo? - turned on his heel to stare down at the much smaller archaeologist. "None of your business," he growled. If Daniel was intimidated – he must have been, given the circumstances – he didn't show it. Despite herself, something warm bloomed briefly in Vala's chest. "Actually, it is. While I'm "She's your friend?" Philip or Paxton asked, gesturing back at Vala. Vala's eyes widened in alarm. She shook her head wildly at Daniel, trying to get him to back off, turn around, walk away. Instead, he said defiantly, "Yes, she is." Moments later he was stumbling backwards, holding a hand to his nose. A river of blood ran between his fingers. "Uh Vala, I could use your help here!"
-
Everything after that was little more than a blur to Vala, nonetheless it replayed over and over again as she struggled with her manacles.
She could see herself jumping onto their opponent's back, trying to hold his arms as he reached for the knife he had sheathed at his side. And she could remember being thrown off as though she were trying to ride a Tarcadian bull, then trying to pull herself back up, hands gripping a bar stool, head spinning, only to see Daniel just barely duck out of the way of the other man's blade. The man flew forward, his own momentum carrying him on until his head hit the side of the bar. He crumbled to the ground. Then… silence.
Daniel grabbed the knife and pointed it towards the prone figure on the floor as he backed up slowly, moving towards Vala. As he was helping her to her feet they noticed that everyone in the bar was suddenly watching them, waiting for the man to get up again. But he never did.
He wasn't breathing.
Someone shouted, "Murderers! They killed Ping!", and before they could explain themselves or protest, before Vala could even register triumph at finally learning the man's name, she and Daniel were being hauled toward the local prison.
They were separated upon arrival. The last she'd seen of him, Daniel was struggling against the vice-like grip of a prison guard, trying to get to her. And now he was dead. He was dead, and it was her fault. Her harebrained ideas, her past, her big mouth. Him sacrificing his own freedom to save her.
The lock pick slipped from her hand once more. She slid to the ground after it.
-
Vala wasn't sure how long she sat there, the chill from the cold stones beneath her seeping slowly into her bones. It might have been hours, perhaps even a day. Maybe two. Several empty bowls that had previously held a poor excuse for soup were lined up next to her, if that was any indication, but she didn't much care one way or another. For the moment Vala was adrift in a haze of guilt.
-
"Vala?" There was an insistent snapping of fingers near her face. She waved a hand weakly, trying to swat the annoyance away. "Vala! The cavalry's here, but the horses ain't waitin'. We've got to move. Now. Up and at 'em." The familiar voice cut through her slightly catatonic state and the fog in her mind began to lift. She shook her head in confusion and sat up from her prone position on the floor and then tried to stand, stumbling slightly. Cameron pulled her to her feet and pushed her out the door. He handed her the P-90 he was holding before unclipping a second weapon from his vest. Looking left and then right, he headed down the hallway, gun in hand, and motioned for her to follow.
Vala stared at the gun in her hands.
"I wasn't kidding Vala, get moving!" Cameron pulled on her arm again, tugging her with him as he began to jog. There was a noise somewhere off to the right and on instinct Cameron yanked Vala forward, shoving her ahead of him across the open space where two corridors intersected. A split second later, gunfire erupted.
Pinned down on the wrong side of the hallway, Cameron shouted, "Vala! A little help would be good right about now!"
He peered carefully around the corner, trying to see where the shooters were located, then yanked his head back quickly as more bullets were sent whizzing past his head. "Vala! I need some cover fire if we're ever going to get out of here."
When no affirmative response came, Cameron looked at where Vala was crouched down on the other side of the corridor, leaning against the wall as if she were exhausted. The P-90 rested at her feet uselessly.
"VALA!" he snapped. Her head whipped up, and he caught her gaze and held it. "We need to get out of here. And to do that, I need cover fire so I can make it over to you. You understand? Otherwise I'll be hit right outta the gate."
Vala nodded dumbly, but after a moment something close to her usual fire lit behind her eyes. "Okay," Cameron said nodding, "Good. Now SHOOT."
She grabbed the gun in front of her and stood up, spraying the corridor with bullets. Camerom quickly joined her and they began moving onwards through the labyrinth of the prison. Sometimes, when her own gun was quiet, Vala thought she heard the sounds of another, distant, firefight. Teal'c and Sam? She shook off the question – better to focus on having Cameron's back so that there wouldn't be another life weighing on her conscience.
Eventually they made it to the tree line outside the village and slowed their pace as they headed for the Stargate. They walked in alert silence for a while, then Cameron cleared his throat and asked, "So Rambo, you want to explain to me why you went from meek little bunny-rabbit to the Terminator in 0.5 seconds?"
Vala shook her head.
"Cause here's what I can't figure. It looked to me like you were in shock, and now that we're out of that jail you seem to be heading down that road again. But there's no doubt in my mind that you've been in prison before, probably much worse ones. So what gives?"
She stared at him in disbelief, "Don't -," she began, then stopped to swallow when her voice cracked from disuse. "Don't you know?"
"Know?" asked Cameron, distracted. "Know what? Oh, hey – there's Teal'c." He raised a hand in greeting to the Jaffa, who stood stiffly at the tree line where the forest gave way to a small clearing. Behind him, the Stargate rose from a sea of tall grasses. "Still waiting for Sam?"
Vala's words lodged in her throat painfully as the conversation shifted. She wandered off toward the Stargate; letting the two men's cheerful voices fade into the background.
"Indeed," Teal'c replied. He tilted his head at Vala in acknowledgement, and then continued scanning the surrounding trees.
"Great," Cameron said. "That's… great." He crossed his arms and frowned out into woods. "If Sam's captured now, you know you're the one going in after them this time, right, Big Guy? Because that was a long hike, and I'm not doing it again."
A snapping twig sounded to their immediate right. Cameron and Teal'c swung around, guns aimed in the direction of the noise. Moments later Sam emerged. Daniel followed closely, his eyes were downcast as he plodded along beside her.
"About time you all got here," Cameron said. "I was trying to convince Teal'c we should go back and look for you, but he didn't want to go."
Teal'c raised an eyebrow.
"Uh huh, sure Cam. Because it's Teal'c that's known around the SGC as the lazy one."
Cameron looked at Sam aghast. "Excuse me?"
Sam laughed.
"Teal'c, can you just dial the 'gate? It's time to go home."
Vala, who had been sitting crouched over on the stone steps of the dais where the Stargate stood, looked up at the sound of Daniel's voice. Her heart stuttered in her chest, and nearly stopped altogether while she tried to process what she was seeing.
"Daniel?" she whispered, standing slowly.
He couldn't have heard her, but for the first time Daniel looked in her direction. His mouth dropped open slightly.
"Daniel," Vala repeated. Then she was flying towards him, as fast as her legs could carry her. She ran into him full speed, her arms wrapping tightly around his torso even as she nearly bowled them both over. "Daniel."
After a beat of shocked stillness, Daniel enveloped her in a hug of his own.
"Well," Cameron said. "I'm confused."
-
"For the last time," Vala said impatiently. "There is nothing wrong with me. I do not need to be kept in the infirmary for tests, or observations, or whatever other kind of poking and prodding you people seem to delight in doing. What I need is a nice hot shower and a long sleep."
"You were in that prison for two days, Vala. You're dehydrated, malnourished…"
"You let Daniel leave!"
Dr. Lam stopped thumbing through Vala's chart and looked up at her. "Colonel Mitchell said you looked like you were in shock out there. If there's nothing wrong with you, can you offer me another explanation for what happened?"
Vala paused, then pressed her lips together firmly and shook her head.
Carolyn sighed. "Look, Vala, I can't let you leave until I'm convinced you're alright, and from what Colonel Mitchell told me you're in need of a psych eval. at the very least. There's some test results I'm waiting on, as well."
"You can't keep me here against my will, you know. I'm fairly certain that goes against several of those rights you Americans prize so greatly."
"Actually, as Chief Medical Officer I can pretty much order you to do whatever I want, but I try not to let the power go to my head."
"There's nothing wrong with me," Vala repeated. "Can't you just call me back here when those tests are in? And you and I both know it will be at least a few hours before anyone's available to see me from psych services. I can wait in my quarters."
Dr. Lam gave her a considering look, then said, "Fine. If you'll tell me what happened in that prison to shake you up so badly, I won't admit you to the infirmary, and you're free to leave – as long as you promise to come back when I page you."
The chance to escape outweighing any reluctance to share her experience, Vala answered curtly, "Daniel and I were separated."
"That's it?" Dr. Lam asked, eyebrow raised.
Vala sighed and the continued, the words tumbling out quickly. "Then they told me he was dead. They said he escaped his cell and was trying to get to me. They said they shot him."
"Vala –,"
"But as you can no doubt tell, fine doctor that you are, it turns out Daniel is very much alive. So no big deal, right? All's well that ends well."
"Vala," Dr. Lam said gently, "that is a big deal. You need to talk to someone. Maybe not to me, and maybe not to psych, but you can't keep this in. Cam said you were nearly catatonic when he found you. What they told you obviously affected you very deeply."
Vala held Carolyn's gaze evenly. "Can I leave now?"
-
When Daniel's knock came at her door, Vala was standing in front of her mirror staring hard at the reflection in the glass. Emotions she hadn't felt in a long time – emotions that only occur when you're dependent on another person, – felt as though they were bubbling just beneath the surface of her skin, threatening to overflow. She thought she should look different somehow.
Daniel knocked again, this time more insistently, and finally Vala turned away from the mirror and padded over to the door. It swung open to reveal him standing there, head down, hands in pockets. He glanced up at her and she moved aside to allow him to enter her room.
They broke the silence at the same moment.
"They told me you were –"
"Vala, I'm glad you're – "
They smiled for a moment, their shared awkwardness having cut some of the tension. But then it was as though neither of them could find anything to say at all. Vala sat down cross-legged on her bed, picking at the bedspread with her fingernails while Daniel remained near the door, nervously shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
"I really am glad you're alright," Daniel said finally.
"Me, too. That is, I'm glad you're alright."
Their eyes locked, and for what seemed like an eternity, neither could look away.
"…I probably should, uh, let you get some rest…" Daniel reached behind him for the door handle, still somehow unable to tear his gaze from hers.
"I told Dr. Lam I'd have a little lie-down," Vala agreed. Then, though her expression gave nothing away, her voice wavered as she continued, "But, Daniel…maybe you could just…stay…a little while?"
He paused just has his hand finally found the door handle. "Of course," he said immediately, releasing it. He moved across the room to sit next to her on the bed. Without thinking he took her hands, stopping her from playing with the comforter. Neither spoke again until Vala tried, unsuccessfully, to stifle a yawn.
"Are you sure I shouldn't let you get some sleep?" Daniel asked.
Immediately, Vala's hand tightened on his. "Did I ask you to leave?" she tried to joke. It came out flat.
He struggled to smile anyway. "No, you didn't. Here, move up."
They shifted on the bed, pausing to allow Daniel to kick off his boots before settling at its head. Vala curled up next to Daniel, soaking in his warmth. Head pillowed on his chest, she could hear his heart beating reassuringly beneath her ear.
"They said you were dead, Daniel. And if you had been, it would have been my fault. My fault that you were in that bar at all, my fault for swindling that man, my fault for getting you into that fight-"
With a small smile on his face, Daniel interrupted her, "I believe I got myself into that fight all on my own, thank you."
She continued as if she hadn't heard him, "-my fault because they said you were shot trying to save me. And I didn't know what to do. I couldn't breath, I couldn't…"
"Hey," Daniel said, lifting her chin and forcing her to look at him. "I'm not dead. And neither are you."
They lay there again in silence, Vala's arm creeping across Daniel's torso, his own arm wrapping around her shoulders.
It was Daniel that broke the quiet this time: "They told me you had been shot as well. I didn't want to believe it. And then…then I wanted to die too. I couldn't go through that pain…not again."
"What pain?"
"The pain of losing someone I care about," Daniel said. Then he took a breath, and amended, "Someone that I love. Someone that I didn't even realise I loved until I thought they were gone."
Vala looked at him, shocked. Then she kissed him softly on the lips. After a second Daniel pulled away and searched her eyes. Then, apparently finding what he was looking for, he leaned back in and covered her lips with his once more. This time when Daniel pulled away he smiled, ran his knuckles lightly along her cheek. He kissed her gently on the forehead and told her to close her eyes and get some rest. Then he did the same.
-
Vala woke up a few hours later feeling very warm and more comfortable than she had in a long time. Her head was resting on Daniel's chest, which was rising and falling slowly as he slept. She raised her head to look at his face, running her fingers through the hair just above his ear. He didn't even stir.
She carefully disentangled herself from Daniel's arms and began to pace back and forth at the foot of the bed. Love? Did she love him? She paused to glance at his sleeping form again. He had said that he loved her. Hadn't he? But how could that be, really? Besides, in her experience love was a lie, it didn't last, it wasn't real, wasn't worth her time. No matter what, something would inevitably go wrong. Wouldn't it?
She let out a soundless scream of frustration and stomped her foot. This was why she had rules for this type of thing, and Daniel had gone and made her question them all.
Why couldn't that insufferable man cease turning her world upside down?
-
When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it
It was Vala's parents who had given her her first lessons in love, or perhaps her first warnings against it.
Her earliest memory of her father was actually of his absence, of sitting on her mother's knee and innocently asking when he would return. In her youthful blindness, Vala didn't notice how her mother's face would cloud over in those moments. She didn't realize that it was only when her father was away that her mother could find it in herself to laugh easily and smiled often.
The most vivid of her early childhood memories, though, was of the night her mother told her father she was going to die. She had been ill for a long time, her condition made worse by how thinly she was stretched. Trying to make ends meet, caring for a young daughter, worrying about her husband – they all took their costly toll. In retrospect, Vala was probably aware of her mother's declining state, but she didn't really understand what it meant at the time.
On the night in question, Vala was awoken by the sound of them arguing, once again, in the kitchen. "I can't take this anymore!" her mother was saying, her voice taut as she tried to keep herself from yelling. "You pay no attention to what is happening here, you don't even hear me when I speak anymore."
"Darling," her father crooned. "I don't know what you mean…"
"My point exactly. I'm dying Jacek, and it seems like not even that has managed to sink in. Your head is too full with schemes and scams."
"Of course you're not dying. We will go and see someone about it…"
"You think I haven't already done that? It's too late. There is nothing else to be done."
By this point Vala had crawled out of her small bed and was standing at her door, one eye peering through the crack in the doorway between her bedroom and the kitchen. Her mother sat at the wooden dining table, the lamplight casting shadows on her face that only served to highlight how very tired and worn she seemed to be. Jacek paced back and forth wringing his hands, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to find the right thing to say.
"I thought we were in love Jacek, that is why I married you. Everyone, I mean everyone, told me that it was a bad idea…but I honestly thought you cared and that everything would work out. Clearly I was mistaken." Jacek started to interrupt but there was no stopping Vala's mother at this point and she barreled on. "I don't expect you to fix our relationship Jacek, I don't think you could and frankly there isn't really time to try. But I need you to do just one thing: I need you to be HERE. I need you to find a real job. I need you to take care of Vala, because soon I won't be able to. I used to think you were capable of that much."
"Of course I'm capable of that."
"Are you, Jacek? I'm not sure you are, but for Vala's sake I had better be wrong." She glared at him until he threw up his hands and stomped outside, defeated.
In the silence that followed, Vala crept across the kitchen, past her mother who sat with her head down on the table, and peeked around the open door out into the night. Her father stood a short distance away, the bright light from the moons making him a tall dark shadow against a sea of stars. Over the wind rustling in the trees she heard him use several of the words that would have usually earned him a glare from her mother. Then, suddenly, his knees seemed to crumble beneath him, his face fell into his hands and his shoulders began to shudder with sobs.
Vala jumped as she felt a hand on her shoulder. "What are you doing up little one?" She didn't know what to say and simply reached for her mother's hand, allowing herself to be pulled back to bed.
Once there, Vala curled up under the covers while her mother softly stroked her hair. She hummed an old lullaby until her daughter's breathing evened out, then stood and walked to the window. Vala's father was nowhere to be seen. She snorted softly.
"Typical."
Looking back at Vala, she whispered, "My wish for you to never end up where I am Vala, darling. What I thought was love has only turned out to be lies, pain and heartache."
Drifting somewhere in the hazy land between sleep and wakefulness, Vala heard the words and never forgot them.
And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist
-
Apparently her parents' relationship – or lack thereof – hadn't been enough to completely discourage her romantic side because Vala went and let herself fall in love anyway. Looking back, she often told herself it just was a mixture of teenage hormones and not knowing any better. Regardless, she had never meant for it to happen. Throughout her schooling she had kept her distance from other children her age, had remained as solitary as possible. This wasn't difficult, since she had been forced to keep house as well as tend to her studies after her mother was gone (and before her lovely stepmother, Adria, came along). She would have described herself as independent, and her relationships with her classmates as unnecessary. Her goal: get off this rock of a planet as soon as possible.
Somehow, none of this stopped her from allowing Nevin to start walking her home from school when they were about 15 or 16 years old, nor did it make her turn him away when he would show up early on the mornings they did not have school to help her with her chores. Looking back now, Vala noticed that Nevin actually had a lot in common with Daniel. He thought too much and was easily sucked into an interesting problem or puzzle, making it impossible to tear him away. He also cared too much about others, protecting them with no regard for his own personal safety.
She would never forget the day he stood up to the group of teens who were (once again) teasing her as they left the school. No one had ever done something like that for her before. She was generally an outcast among youth her age and she usually tried to ignore the taunts of others. That day, they had been teasing her about how it was too bad she didn't have a mother to teach her how to dress properly (let's say that her fantastic sense of style was still…developing at this point). She was doing her best to disregard their comments while at the same time unconsciously wrapping her arms around herself to try and cover up the hand stitched and frequently mended dress she wore when Nevin had turned around and told them they had better find something else to do with their time. When they refused he had hurled himself at them. Vala had had to drag him away for fear of serious injury, but not before his opponents had landed a few good punches.
When he showed up early the next morning at her door, she had opened it slowly, blinking at the bright morning sun. The first thing she saw was the giant bruise that had bloomed around his eye. Vala bit her lip and reached out a finger to trace along the edge of the purple and blue badge of bravery, then gently cupped his cheek. He shrugged slightly and started to say something, to explain himself, but she silenced him by leaning in a pecking him on the lips. She looked quickly at her shoes. She could feel the heat rising up her neck as she blushed. When she felt Nevin take her hand in his, she looked up cautiously. He had a small smile on his face and asked if she would like to go for a walk rather than start her chores.
Their mornings of chores and shared study time quickly turned into long walks by the river and shared conversation – as well as other activities – beneath an old tree on the riverbank. Nevin was kind to her, told her that she was smart and beautiful. Their relationship was far from perfect however, he challenged her as well, and they argued passionately about almost everything. Yet, against all her better judgment, she began to believe that her parents' example was an unfortunate exception and that maybe, just maybe, love really did exist after all.
It was a few years later, just a short time after she and Nevin announced their engagement that Qetesh arrived in search of a new host. It was early afternoon and Vala and Nevin had been browsing around the town's marketplace when they heard a commotion in the central square. Their curiosity getting the better of them, they ducked quickly through the marketplace stands and stalls, heading over to investigate. They turned the corner and immediately saw the shining armour of Jaffa warriors, several of whom stood around a tall blond woman on the raised dais in the middle of the square. Their weapons were trained on the crowd. The blond woman scanned the faces of the townspeople gathered in the square with a calculating gaze. Several other Jaffa were pushing and shoving people as they made their way among the terrified villagers.
Then, suddenly, Vala realized the terrible blond woman was pointing directly at her.
Nevin grabbed her hand and tried to pull her away but the Jaffa soldiers were too quick and too strong. They ripped her hand from Nevin's and with a firm grip on her upper arms they dragged her towards a group of young women who were cowering next to the blond.
Vala peered around the circle of guards surrounding them, frantically searching for Nevin to be sure he wouldn't do something incredibly foolish. She saw that several men they knew from the village were holding him back as he tried to get to her. Knowing now that Nevin wasn't about to get himself needlessly shot, she focused on her own predicament. She observed the other young women who surrounded her, trying to figure out why they had been singled out. She then looked boldly up at the blond woman on the dais above them. Upon seeing that she was in fact staring down at her, Vala proudly stuck out her chin in defiance and glared back. A wicked grin spread across the stranger's face and her cold eyes flashed gold. She opened her mouth and let out a laugh that sent shivers down Vala's spine and made her close her eyes for just a moment. In an equally chilling voice that cut through the low buzz of sound in the town square, she called out to her soldiers, "Jaffa! Leave the rest. I'll take this one."
Vala was startled as the other young women around her suddenly scampered away. When she looked up again she saw that the woman with the glowing eyes was once again pointing at her. She froze for just a moment and then was too late to get away; the Jaffa had already closed ranks around her and the blond woman who watched as Vala beat on the silver-armoured backs of the Jaffa who surrounded them.
"Such fire! You will make a wonderful host for Qetesh," she said as she reached out a finger to trace Vala's cheekbone. Vala turned to try and retaliate in some way but the woman stepped back and then pushed a button on her wristband. As the bright lights of the ring transport fell around them, Vala's hands froze in mid-air then fell to her sides, her breath caught in her chest. She closed her eyes wishing the terror away. The last thing she heard over the sound of the rings was Nevin's voice calling out for her desperately.
The memory of Vala's joining with Qetesh has been mercifully erased or suppressed – something Vala is eternally grateful for. However, what she does have are memories of the agony Qetesh put her through, what she put the inhabitants of her village through before they rebelled against her.
She vividly remembers the day that Qetesh had Nevin, his parents and his younger sister brought into her throne room to play with, like toys. She remembers how Qetesh tortured and killed his parents and sister while the Jaffa held Nevin back and forced him to watch. She remembers watching the emotions in Nevin's face change from surprise and relief at seeing her alive, to fear, to deep pain and then finally to something else – loathing, hatred. She remembers Qetesh's joy at this progression, and she remembers what it felt like to watch that transformation occur in his eyes; wanting to throw up, wanting to scream that she couldn't stop it, wanting to crawl into a corner and sob, wanting to shrivel up and die – but to not be able to do any of these things because she was a prisoner in her own body.
Equally memorable was the day when the people of her village finally stood up to Qetesh and rebelled. They captured her and tortured and beat her for days before the Tok'Ra saved her and performed the extraction of Qetesh. She recalls the rather short recovery period and being unceremoniously dumped on some nondescript planet. They had gotten her through the worst, but she was still far from fully recovered, still weak physically, not to mention psychologically distraught. She managed to get to a Stargate and pounded the symbols for what she inherently knew was her own home planet into the dialing device– one of the few skills her father had taught her on the 'excursions' he had taken her on over the years. She arrived and managed to make it into the town square before collapsing from exhaustion. Something inside her hoped that she would be welcomed back now that she was free of the symbiote. She hoped that Nevin would still be there and would hold her once again, that he would protect her and make all the hurt go away as he had in the past.
This would not be the case.
Ironically, one of the first people she saw when the world came back into focus after she collapsed was her former lover. She wanted to get up and run to him, to explain, to wrap her arms around him and apologise until he forgave her for everything, but she was still so weak from the extraction procedure all she could do was croak out his name and look at him with eyes that pleaded for him to come to her, to save her. When Nevin turned around and saw Vala lying on the ground his eyes were not warm and filled with love as they had once been. They were cold and empty. He did not react when several of the townspeople grabbed her and bound her hands. He said nothing when they tied her to a post that stood on one corner of the square. He looked on as they threw things at her, as they spit on her – unable to tell the difference between the host and Goa'uld that had tormented them. He made no move to stop them or to help her as she curled up as best she could against the onslaught, trying to hide her face, to protect herself. He did not come to her aid; he didn't even try, not this time. The last thing she saw before everything went black once again was Nevin turning his back on her, and walking away.
This was when Vala learned that there are things that cannot be forgiven. Love does not conquer all, and there are things that it cannot overcome. There was no 'forever and always'. It was while tied to this post that Vala began to learn to build walls, to be detached. She got stronger. She got colder. She quickly learned that she had no one, and she knew that, now, she could only depend on herself.
And then, she escaped.
It was then that Vala's first rule for survival came to be.
Love, she reminded herself over and over in ensuing years, does not last.
Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
-
The next lesson Vala learned was that emotions are a liability. All emotions. They were easy to manipulate in other people of course, but her own emotions were nothing but a chink in her armour for others to exploit. She had observed as much while she was a host to Qetesh, but learned it for herself the hard way, not too long after the frigid night when she stumbled into Shenara's tavern.
She had only escaped from her village a week prior, and had remembered this particular planet from a long-ago visit with her father. Unfortunately, when she arrived this time, she found herself in the dead of winter. Unprepared for such weather, since the planet she had just left was mid-summer, it was all Vala could do to seek shelter. She eventually found herself stumbling through driving snow towards the noise and warm lights of what appeared to be a restaurant or pub. Upon entering the lively bar, she was immediately drawn toward the roaring fire that stood at one end of the seating area. She knelt before it, desperate to warm her painfully numb hands.
Vala started when someone tapped her on the shoulder. Her heart beat wildly in her chest as she spun to find a middle-aged woman standing behind her smiling.
"'scuse me sweetie! I didn't meant to startle ya, but I need to put another log on there."
Vala stepped back quickly and watched as the woman knelt to tend to the fire. After she had stood and brushed her hands off on the front of her skirt, the woman turned to Vala and said, "I'm Shenara, can I get you somethin' dear?"
Vala kept her gaze down and shook her head. "I…I don't have any money."
Shenara reached over and with a finger to her chin, she lifted Vala's head so she could look in her eyes. Shenara studied her for a moment, then, as if she had found what she was looking for, tucked a strand of Vala's damp hair behind her ear and walked away. Vala remained awkwardly where she was, unsure of what to do when she was not immediately kicked back out into the cold.
The bar mistress returned shortly with a steaming drink in her hands. "Here, on the house." she said as she passed Vala the cup. She squeezed Vala's shoulder and then returned to her customers. Thankful, Vala took a sip from the cup and felt precious warmth spreading through her.
The next morning, when Shenara found her huddled in the alley behind the bar, she hired Vala as a waitress. It wasn't long before Vala learned the ropes and was more than earning her keep. The most important thing she learned from watching Shenara, the other waitresses, and the other women who came into the bar to do business, was that a sly smile and a flirtatious tone would get you a long way. She was a bit of a natural, employing remnants of behaviours that were now innate after her time as host to Qetesh, but that she was now able to put to her own uses. It was not only a great way to get tips, but also a very convenient way to hide what one was really thinking.
Eventually, perhaps a few months later, Vala got restless and decided to move on. She had started looking over her shoulder constantly, and could not shake the feeling that her past was growing ever closer to catching up with her. One morning she gathered up the money she had saved, thanked Shenara for her kindness, and left her safe haven.
Later that afternoon, she was wandering the marketplace aimlessly, unsure of her next move, when Vala heard two men discussing their ship repairs. They mentioned to the vendor they were speaking with that they would be leaving for Lenarai, a trading planet, later that day. Vala approached them and asked if they would be willing the take on a passenger.
When they gave her a price that was well below what she expected, a small grin broke out on Vala's face. She reached into her pocket, unconsciously jingling the coins found there and agreed quickly and perhaps a bit too happily.
"What's your name Missy?"
"Vala," she replied. "Vala Mal Doran"
The man who had spoken turned to his partner. "That's sounds familiar don't you think Direk?"
Direk paused, then nodded, "Yeah…yeah, you know, I think it does. Wasn't that guy we met earlier asking about a Vala?"
Vala's head shot up, surprise on her face and hope bursting in her chest.
His partner eyed Vala, then replied with a sly smile on his face, "I think you're right, that young guy that we met at the inn, right?"
"Yeah, what was his name again?"
"Nevin?" The hopeful question escaped Vala's mouth before she even realised she was speaking.
It would one day be clear to her that the looks the men exchanged said they had already recognised just how green she was – and how easy a target she would make.
"You know I think that's it! Why don't you come with us to the inn and we'll see if he's still there! It's just on the next block, we'll cut through this alley, it'll be quicker. You seem excited to see him, eh? That your man, this Nevin?"
Vala began to follow them eagerly, letting their easy chatter and the knowledge that she would soon be seeing Nevin - he had come for her after all, he still loved her! - wash over her.
Then, there was a sharp blow to the back of her head, and blackness.
A cold drip on Vala's face brought her back to consciousness, followed by another, then another. It was raining. She opened her eyes and saw nothing but roofs and a swatch of grey sky. She was flat on her back in the dirt. Vala reached into her pocket to find that all of her money was gone, as was the silver necklace she had worn since she was a small child, along with her shoes.
"Well that's just lovely," she groaned aloud, bitterly. She sat up slowly and scrambled over to lean against the alley wall, under the protection of an overhanging roof.
If she had been able to keep her poker face during their bargaining she would never have tipped off how little she knew about what she was doing. And if she hadn't let her emotions get involved she would not be lying on her back in some alley, shoeless and penniless. She pulled herself to her feet and began to make her way back to Shenara's, preparing to beg for her job back.
Rule number two: Keep a straight face.
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face
Vala had been on her own for quite a while when she had agreed to work with Renic. Whether it was because she consciously decided that his years of experience as a mercenary, his somewhat rickety cargo ship, and his knowledge of Lucian Alliance supply routes would be worthwhile assets, or because she had subconsciously grown weary of being alone, she had agreed to team up with him for a raid on Aeris. There they would find a cache of weapons hidden by the Lucian Alliance, as well as a museum that held a particularly valuable set of jewels from the house of Marok on Teran III. The plan was to steal some weapons and then perform the museum heist, escaping on Renic's ship, which would be conveniently parked in the forest nearby.
Stealing the weapons was easy, and they got into the museum without a hitch. It was while they were gathering up the jewels, however, that Renic tripped one of the museum's alarms. A guard immediately appeared and Vala took him out quietly with a well-placed zat shot. She then knelt to try and disable the alarm.
Vala heard footsteps as she fiddled with the system. Without looking up she hissed, "Renic, on the left! Two more!"
When no help was forthcoming, she glanced up from her task and realized she was completely alone. Grabbing her zat from the floor she stunned the two guards guards who appeared on the far side of the room before running out into the hall, sack of loot in hand. There was Renic, about to round the corner.
"Hey!" she yelled after him.
"Just checking for guards," he said. "Here, throw me the jewels."
Obediently, Vala tossed him the bag, then whipped around as the harsh grinding of metal on stone sounded behind her. She paused to stare at the gates now closing off the showroom she had just left, wondering briefly how things had gone so wrong so quickly. When she turned back around, she was met with the sight of an identical gate sliding into place between her position and where Renic was standing further down the corridor. She launched into a sprint, but did not make it to him in time.
Trapped on the other side of the gate, she demanded, "Well? Are you going to just stand there or are you going to help me?"
Renic just grinned. "The way I see it," he said. "I have a choice. Get you out of there and split the pay off, or…well, I'm sure you can figure it out."
He waggled his free hand at her, then took off down the corridor.
Vala, who had been gripping the metal bars of the gate with both hands, shut her eyes and allowed her forehead to fall against the cool metal. Behind her, several pairs of boots were fast approaching.
She prepared herself to face the music. Alone.
From then on she worked solo. Rule number three. When the chips were down, she could trust no one to have her back. The only person she could depend on was herself.
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
-
Vala had been on the run for weeks when she stopped on a quiet little backwater planet hoping to stock up on some supplies. The Lucian Alliance had been close on her tail ever since the Prometheus incident. She was still pretty bitter about how that deal had gone sour thanks to the interference of one measly man, but there was not much she could do about that now – other than stay ahead of the Lucian Alliance's bounty hunters, who had been tracking her for weeks.
She kept her hood up as she perused the small marketplace. She looked over the meagre offerings of a fruit vendor but was paying more attention to her surroundings, on the watch for anyone who didn't seem to belong, who might be there looking for her. Or at least, she thought she had her guard up until she was almost bowled over by a small dark-haired girl. She hadn't been on the lookout for 3-foot assailants. Vala couldn't help but chuckle softly as the small girl barely gave her a second glance, intent on capturing the small ball she had been chasing.
The girl's father came up behind Vala, saying, "Sorry, she didn't hurt you did she?" He had light brown hair, blue eyes and a kind face that reminded Vala of someone else she had met not too long ago.
With a small smile Vala shook her head no. The man herded his daughter back towards the patch of grass in the middle of the square. There, Vala saw, sat the girl's mother, holding a small baby wrapped in a pale blue blanket. When the father returned to the blanket he bent over to give his wife a quick peck on the lips before resuming his game of catch with his little girl.
Vala paid for some fruit, slipping a few extra pieces into her bag for later while the vendor's back was turned, and then leaned against the wooden post of the marketplace stand to eat it. As she continued to gaze across the square at the young family she didn't even notice the two hooded figures moving slowly around its perimeter towards her.
She and Nevin had once talked and dreamed about having a family like that. As she thought about it she realised how much the pain of losing Nevin had faded over time, becoming no more than a slight twinge in her chest. As she watched this young family laugh together now, she saw herself, not with Nevin but another man – a man she had met very recently. A man who had been kind to her despite the fact that she had tied him up, stolen his ship, lied, shot him, punched him in the face…well, he was a puzzle. He broke all her preconceptions. But still, she found herself daydreaming about this stranger – nothing fancy, a simple dream, of a simple life. A family with him, just like the one she observed now, one like she had never had herself.
Vala was lost in this daydream when she suddenly sensed someone approaching her from behind. She reached back and grabbed the hand that was reaching for her shoulder, twisting her attacker's arm behind his body while delivering a quick kick to the knees of his partner, who crumpled to the ground. She wrenched the gun from the first attacker's hand and turned to dash down one of the nearby alleyways.
"Get a grip Vala," she thought as she ran. As stern as her inner voice was, another part of her couldn't help but steal a last glance over her shoulder to check on the young family, who were now huddled together in shock, watching the scene unfolding before them. That voice chimed in again a little louder this time, "Don't be distracted by things you will never have, or you'll end up in even more trouble."
And then rule number five was born: Dreams weren't worth it, they were nothing but distractions. What she needed was a firm grip on reality.
I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
From the armchair where she now sat, lost in thought, Vala glanced over at Daniel sleeping quietly in her bed. He had flung one arm across her side of it as if he was subconsciously searching for her. A fond smile tugged at her lips despite herself, making it all too clear how incredibly far she had strayed from her established way of life. The little voice in the back of her mind, the protector that had guarded her for so long, was screaming that she would pay for it.
Somehow, as she got to know Daniel, as she became a part of their dysfunctional SG-1 family, she had let all her rules fall to the wayside. Now here she was, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Applying all her rules and all those life lessons to Daniel had never really worked. He was the only exception to the personal code she had always based her life around.
With a sigh, Vala attempted to push aside the foreboding feelings that clawed at her stomach. She walked across the room and crawled back under Daniel's arm so she she was facing him. For a long time, she just watched him sleep.
Her only exception.
-
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream
When Vala woke she was alone. She sat up quickly, clutching her pillow to her chest. The room was silent, and Daniel's shoes were gone. It was as if he had never been there at all. He had though, hadn't he? Leaning over, she buried her face in the pillow where – as far as she knew – he had slept the night before. A trace of Daniel remained. So he had been here, she hadn't dreamt it.
"In that case, he's changed his mind and gone and made his escape, now hasn't he," she muttered as she threw herself onto her back, still hugging her pillow. A chorus of 'I told you so's' began ringing in her ears. Well if this was the way he wanted it, then fine. "Honestly Vala come off it, you're the last thing he needs. You know that." She paused and added, with less conviction, "and he's the last thing you need." Somehow, the first statement was easier to believe for her than the second.
Eventually Vala pulled herself up from her pillow and out of bed, intending to take a shower and face the day. Rule number four was, after all, always keep moving. As she placed her bare feet down on the carpet, something crackled under her right foot. Reaching down she realised it was a scrap of paper covered with none other than the untidy scrawl of one Dr. Daniel Jackson.
Morning Vala, I'm sorry I had to leave. I had a phone call scheduled with General We need to talk.
O'Neill this morning, and you know how he gets when he feels ignored.
Thought I'd better keep the appointment.
Vala bit her lip and read on.
Meet me in my office at lunchtime. I'd like to take Daniel
you off the base so we can discuss things.
In private.
She furrowed her brow not sure what to think about that. She was folding the note absently as she pondered what he might mean when she realized there was more writing on the other side.
P.S. I meant what I said last night.
P.P.S. and you better not be messing with me.
A small grin spread across her lips.
Maybe he was her only exception.
-
But darling,
You, are, the only exception
And I'm on my way to believing...