A/N: I feel as though people are missing Laura's POV in this whole mess. Yes she made mistakes but her heart is in the right place. She loves Carmilla but at the end of the day she knows she must protect the people of Silas. It sucks but I admire Laura for her actions. Not many people are strong enough to put others first like this and power to her for sticking up for her beliefs. And a huge shout-out to Elise and Natasha for their superb acting in episode 2X22.
Disclaimer: "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost is the basis for the story and provides a line for the story. I do not own the poem in any way, shape or form. I also do not own Carmilla or its characters. Some of the conversation is the exact same as the episode, but some has been tweaked a bit and new lines have been added as well.
"Do you miss me?"
Four simple words, short and sweet and easy to form your mouth around. And yet the question was loaded, laying heavily on both the participant and the recipient. Carmilla was staring at Laura with the most open, vulnerable expression she had ever had. It was out of place on the normally sarcastic vampire's face; Laura both loved and hated the look.
Laura had two options here. She could either tell Carmilla that no, in fact she did not miss the woman and would kindly like the vampire to leave Silas and vacate Laura's life for good. She could cut ties with her ex-girlfriend, the main reason all this supernatural crap was hindering the human's college experience and putting not only her life but the life of her friends, the life of innocents, in mortal peril. Or…Laura could tell the truth.
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."
The choice seemed difficult, and in actuality it kind of was, but Laura found her answer came to her lips readily enough, like it was second nature and thinking had no place in it.
"Like someone cut a hole in me."
Laura felt shock channel through her body as she felt her mouth form the words, sliding effortlessly passed slightly chapped lips. They sounded a little clogged after her serious crying bout but they were unmistakable. Her feelings were now out there in the open to taint the air with the former festering wound. It was terrifying…and yet liberating in the same vein.
Carmilla seemed just as surprised by Laura's answer, her brows free from stress for the first time in weeks. Her fathomless eyes were filled with a mixture of emotions that threatened to put Laura out to sea, a whirlpool sucking her in and pulling her under. A slight shimmer of hope peeked out from the shiny orbs, paired with crushing sadness and the underlying emotion Laura could identify but, for her own tenuous sanity, refused to acknowledge.
Carmilla's lips parted, her tongue barely showing and a flash of fang glinting in the light. Laura was afraid of what her ex would say, what words would fall from the heavenly mouth so utterly wicked and sinful. So utterly hers. The wound in Laura's heart cracked a little further, ripping the not really there Band-Aid haphazardly placed on the defective muscle.
The words never came. Carmilla tried valiantly to force the words on the tip of her tongue out, needed Laura to know them with a desperation borne of standing on the precipice of losing your loved one. Carmilla had not completely lost Laura yet but if she did not play her cards right, she knew the young human would not hesitate to leave. Laura was pure; pure of heart, pure of body…pure of soul. She cared so much for so many people and it was honestly one of the many reasons Carmilla loved the girl. But Laura's selflessness and her own general apathy towards…well, anybody was slowly tearing their relationship apart and Carmilla did not know how to fucking fix this.
Laura stared silently at the other girl, tear tracks feeling sticky against her paler-than-normal skin. She felt drained after her talk with Carmilla and she found herself slowly curling in on her own body. Laura had absorbed too many things in too short a time and now she was short-circuiting. Laura could not handle the deafening silence and she found herself unable to stand here a moment longer, watching Carm struggle with her feelings and on the cusp of tears. Laura would not last if Carmilla's tears actually fell. The young Silas student was not as strong s people would believe her to be.
"Goodnight, Carm." The words felt final, like a nail in a coffin. Laura felt the sharp tip pierce her already injured heart, adding another puncture to the muscle filled to the brim with other identical holes. There were not many places left bare.
Carmilla barely spared a glance Laura's way. She merely nodded a small, nearly imperceptible little thing. The vampire could not trust her voice, knowing full well a tell-tale crack followed by a deep clearing of the throat, maybe even a sniffle or two, and a hoarse inflection would give away even more of her feelings. Carmilla was not keen on another revelation that night. She was feeling too exposed, too…raw. Laura did not sound like she was hanging on any better and Carmilla was just too tired to continue knowing where her ex stood. They knew their feelings; love was the only tangible explanation for the pain coursing through both hearts.
Laura turned around, intent on walking away and putting some much needed distance back between them. Her fingers itched, clenching and unclenching in a nervous tick; she had developed said tick years ago immediately following her mother's death. It was an almost instinctual reaction when her emotions were heightened and anxiousness assailed her. Laura was never able to break the habit.
"Her heart…it's in a locket. Mattie keeps it around her neck."
Laura stopped, her foot and inch off the ground. Her brows knit in confusion as she turned back to face Carmilla. The beautiful brunette wiped her clammy hands on the front of her jeans, smoothing out the wrinkles as she did so. "What did you say?"
"I said Mattie's heart is kept in that locket she wears on her person. It is the symbol of her power, her immortality. She is hard to kill, but not completely invincible. If you destroy the heart, Mattie is as good as dead."
"Not that I am not grateful, but…why are you telling me this? Mattie is your sister and I thought you were allied with her."
Piercing dark eyes landed up on Laura, rooting her to the spot. "I love Mattie. She is one of the few people that has ever truly loved me for ME as I am and not a machination of her desires. I am loyal to her…but I love you. I love you too much to allow any harm to come to you and if…if Mattie does try to hurt you again…I want you to be protected. I can't lose you. I-I would not survive it."
Laura could not move her body, hand or otherwise. She felt like her brain was short-circuiting, her chest feeling too full and too hot and too…everything. She could not take in enough air, could not even think. How the fuck was she supposed to process this revelation? How did Laura move on, be strong, when the woman of her literal dreams just professed her undying love for Laura and had also basically given her the blessing to kill Carmilla's own sister in order to keep the journalism major safe? How, how how?
Laura knew what she'd like to do, what she wanted to do. Laura would walk purposefully over to where Carmilla sat with the stars in her eyes, she would bend down and say something romantic and cheesy and it would make Carm roll her eyes but god her smile after…Carmilla would get all soft and wrap Laura down in her arms and pull her unresisting form into her lap and maybe nibble a bit at her neck, perhaps press a gentle kiss on her pulse point. Carm would do it to show Laura how important the girl was, how Carmilla would resist her very nature and not take Laura's blood. Then their eyes would meet and it would be over, just like when they first met. Laura was Carmilla's before she even knew.
The kiss would be explosive; an outpouring of feelings and lust and pain and….it would be amazing. After a while the frenzied movements would slow down and become achingly tender, lips just brushing skin instead of a heavy imprint. They would move into the bedroom they previously shared and they would…they would make love. It would be everything and anything all at once and Laura would finally feel whole again. She could breathe.
But Laura knew she could not act on her feelings. She had…she had to be strong for the greater good even though all she wanted was to feel deceptively strong arms around her and feel soft lips against the top of her head. She wanted to wake up next to Carmilla each and every day from the rest of her life, vampirism be damned. Hell, she would give up her humanity to be with Carmilla if it meant a lifetime with the woman she-the woman she….
You're in deep, Hollis.
"Thank you." It was the softest of whispers and yet it was a mere shield for the raging of emotions going on behind the scenes. Laura felt as if the words were a lie, and yet they were the truth. She was thankful, but it was not just for Carmilla's insight. Laura owed Carm much, much more than a mere two words of gratitude. The vampire would give her the world but all she truly wanted was one thing. That one thing was the most impossible thing and out of the human's reach.
Carmilla nodded slightly, her dark eyes glazing over into the dull void they had been beforehand. Laura stayed put, drinking in the image of her ex. A tug behind Laura's navel beckoned her closer, pleading her to take Carmilla and just…just run.
"Could we just pretend, just for tonight, that if I asked we'd run away? We'd find some way to leave and just…go. Somewhere without murders or sisters, and sleep in hotel rooms and never live in the same city twice. There'd be no one to fail or disappoint or save…it would just be you and me and love."
Laura wished with all her heart she had taken the opportunity when it was presented to her. She wished her damn selfless streak would not have ruined the best relationship she had ever been in. Laura knew instinctively that she would never find another woman like Carmilla and not just because of the whole blood-sucking vampire thing. But Laura knew the world did not work like that. She was who she was, and so was Carmilla.
Laura was only nineteen years old, but she felt older beyond her years. Sometimes the world was cruel and love the cruelest of them all.
After a beat, Laura walked to her bedroom. As she curled into the downy sheets and hugged the pillow close, she made a promise. No matter all the shit going down and whether or not she and Carm would ever truly be together, she would protect the vampire. Carm might not know it but Laura loved the girl and she would sacrifice her own life if it meant Carmilla would live. Hopefully it never came to that.