Chapter 1: Jump
(Bella PoV)
I can't do this.
I just can't.
I don't have the strength to do this.
These were the thoughts that plagued me as I approached the edge of the jagged cliff, the wind whipping my hair wildly as I peered down into the blue-black ocean below. The storm continued around me, lightning flashing and thunder crashing. I looked toward the sky, momentarily mesmerized by the lightning bolt that materialized beyond the edge of the cliff face, so close it felt as if I could reach out and touch it.
I took a deep breath, closing my eyes. I let it out slowly, sighing as I did. It would be one of the last breaths I take, I realized, and I tried to enjoy it.
But I don't.
I have not really enjoyed anything in nearly four months. My life is meaningless, my heart broken and hollow since he—I tried not to think his name—left me, taking his entire family with him. A jagged pain cut through me even at the thought of them…the Cullens…my family.
A single tear ran down my cheek, with more to follow.
No, my heart was shattered into a million pieces, pieces that could never be recovered. Even in the pain, I had struggled to keep my promise to him, to not do anything reckless or stupid. I had tried with everything I had.
But I couldn't keep that vow any longer.
Not after this.
Unconsciously, one hand dropped down to my abdomen, pressing delicately against the small but distinct bump beneath my baggy sweatshirt. I had found out I was pregnant with his child nearly nine weeks ago. It had been the first thing to wake me up from my comatose state. I did not know what to do; for weeks I contemplated my options. I loved the baby within me, loved it more than anything in my lifeless world. And it was because of that love that I was doing this.
I looked down, down at least twenty stories, and saw my end nearing.
I could not bear to bring a child into this world without a father. I would not put my child through that; I would not let my child suffer, physically or emotionally. And there was no way to avoid that than to have he or she never been born.
The idea of never seeing my baby, never be able to cradle him or her in my arms, not even once, caused a crippling sensation through my chest, similar to the ache I feel when I think about the family who had abandoned me.
For one long moment, I allowed myself to daydream of what could have been.
I could imagine Alice going nuts planning a baby shower, endlessly buying clothes and gifts for both me and her unborn niece or nephew. I could imagine Emmett begging to teach him or her how to play football and video games. I could imagine Jasper teaching my baby to read and guarding him or her passionately, always in the background. I could imagine Carlisle being my personal doctor, I could imagine him holding his grandbaby in his arms, so gentle. I could imagine Esme helping me through my pregnancy, being the mother I had always wanted. I could imagine her happiness and being able to cook for two and to help care for her grandchild, which she was unable to do with her own. I imagined that Rosalie didn't despise me and she embraced me and her role as an aunt.
Lastly, I imagined him. I could easily imagine him as the best father in the world. His caring nature, his gentle touch…yes, he would have been the father of all fathers.
More tears fell freely from my eyes at the daydream that was never to be. I made no move to stop them. It would be the last time I cried.
I took a deliberate step toward my death.
I felt like I was out on the edge of Pride Rock in the movie "Lion King"; however, the screeching of the storm replaced the harmonic African chant that played with the rising of the sun. My toes caressed the side of the cliff, rough and unyielding. I built up the mental courage to force myself to jump.
"Bella! Don't!" The shout behind me, so familiar and melodic, nearly caused me to fall over the edge in surprise. I turned to look behind me and saw Alice Cullen and Jasper Hale staring back at me, their black eyes wide with fear. Alice was angled toward me, Jasper behind her, and her eyes were desperate. I stared in surprise and confusion, momentarily forgetting my impending death. My hallucinations never included Alice or Jasper. Either my mind has literally gone insane or…..
…or they're really here.
I shook my head mentally. No, that's impossible; he told me they would never return. But, here they were, right here in front of me. Jasper joined Alice, taking a step toward me.
"Bella, please, step away from the edge," Jasper's tone was soothing and I could feel the calm spreading through my body. I shook my head furiously.
"You're not here. You're not real. He told me. He told me you would never come back. You're not here," I muttered tearfully, shaking my head to clear it of the calm the hallucination-Jasper was impressing on me and the hallucinations themselves. They glanced at each other. Jasper took another step toward me.
"We are real, Bella. We came back. I came back," he stopped, looking down sheepishly, "I came back to apologize to you. About what happened on your birthday."
A flicker of feeling came back to me, not of Jasper's persuasion but my own accord. It was the first time I felt anything remotely positive in four months, save for when I first discovered I was pregnant. I felt sympathy and affection for Jasper, who tasted my emotions with curiosity.
"It wasn't your fault," I told him. Hallucination or not, he deserved the truth. "I was the one who got the paper cut." His face stretched slightly into a small smile, but the rest of his face was hard, calculating, cautious. He took another step toward me.
"We can argue about it as much as you want but please, Bella, get away from the cliff," he pleaded, his onyx eyes scared. Those dark eyes, so full of fear, reminded me of…..of him. Of….Edward. The sting that accompanied the name was imminent; however, it did not hurt quite as much. Confusion soon followed as I wondered the difference in the change. Jasper senses my reaction and uncertainty mixed with his insistence and pleading.
"Bella, please," Alice whispered. I locked eyes with her and then with Jasper. They made the pain less, I realized; that price is worth whether they were real or not; and, if they were real, that price was worth it when they left again.
I stepped away from the edge.
They drove me to a hotel in Seattle, far from the cliffs and the ocean. They checked into a room, with double queen beds and kitchenette. When we got to the room, I curled up on the window seat, furthest from the door. I refused to look at them, just as in the car.
I could not bare to have them touch me, partly because I knew it would be more painful when they left again, but also predominantly due to a strange instinct to not allow them to touch me, lest they touch my stomach and find that I'm pregnant, if they didn't know already. Initially, I could not decide whether they could hear the baby's heartbeat or not. Eventually, though, when they did not bring it up, I accepted that they couldn't.
They had tried to approach me several times, but I curled in on myself until they backed off. Soon they learned to keep their distance, ordering room service and leaving it on the tray by me before retreating to the other end of the room. I eyed the food; chicken and mashed potatoes. I took a hesitant bite of the chicken before diving in.
It was a bad idea, because within minutes of the first bite, I felt a familiar churning in my stomach. I lurched toward the bathroom, throwing up in the toilet. I felt a cool hand on my neck and forehead and I cringed away from it in alarm. I recoiled into the furthest corner from Alice on the bathroom floor, trembling slightly. She stared at me in shock, her eyes black and yearning. It hurt to refuse her, but I only got up and rinsed out my mouth.
I found my way to the bed, curling up into a small ball underneath the covers and closing my eyes. Jasper dimmed the lights and I soon passed out from exhaustion.
I awoke slowly, keeping my eyes closed and listening to the new but familiar voices above me.
"She couldn't have…there's no way she would…" the new male voice stammered, at a loss for words. I froze when I recognized the voice as Carlisle, my father for all intents and purposes. These hallucinations were getting more creative; maybe my mind was bored of its own lack of activity so it was compensating.
"She did, Carlisle. She would have jumped if we hadn't stopped," Alice whispered, fear in her voice. Again, I felt a small pang of guilt for scaring her. I could hear quiet sobbing in the background and wondered at the person who was crying. I wanted badly to know who it was and I was about to make my consciousness known when I felt a small tug at the crease of my elbow.
An IV.
I bolted out of bed, yelping as the IV needle was ripped out of my skin. All the vampires jumped in shock, heads whipping toward me. My eyes locked on Jasper momentarily and saw that he had cut off his breath and his eyes were wide. Carlisle was on his feet first, with Esme behind him. Her golden eyes were tortured and I realized she had been the one crying. In the back of my mind, I remembered that she had jumped off a cliff to kill herself after her newborn son had died. Another small flicker of guilt touched my mind briefly before nothing but fear replaced it as Carlisle approached me. I backed away feverishly, quickly hitting the corner of the room. A small whimper escaped my throat as I realized I was trapped.
Carlisle's eyes were wide in shock as he assessed me. His hands were out slightly in front of him, as if to show he wasn't armed.
"Bella," he murmured gently, his voice calm and controlled. I met his eyes, panicked.
"Bella," he repeated, "It's ok. It's all fine. Nothing is going to hurt you."
His promise was odd but I still felt slight comfort in it, enough comfort to admit to him the truth. I looked down at the floor, tears falling from my eyes directly onto the soft carpet as I shook my head, a small sob escaping my throat.
"No," I said, "It won't be. I can't do this. I can't."
I looked up at him desperately, hoping for him to understand. His eyes were still confused but I saw more concern for me in them. He took a tiny step in my direction and I eyed him carefully.
"Can't do what, Bella?" he asked. I sniffed and looked away for a moment before meeting his fearful gaze.
"I can't do this. I can't do this without him, without any of you. I can't bear to bring a baby into the world to have him or her suffer the way I have. I can't do it. I won't."
My declaration was met with stunned silence. The vampires were all frozen in shock, even Jasper, who had been at the other end of the room trying to control his thirst. I sighed, my breathing unsteady. I lifted my hands and, fingers trembling, unzipped my sweatshirt and pulled it off.
I stood now in a thin close-fitted tank top and my dark jeans. The tank top had fit me perfectly a few weeks ago, but now a sliver of skin was visible as it stretched over my baby bump. I placed a hand to my abdomen delicately, finding the wall with my other hand before sinking to the floor, my knees to my chest and arms cradling my unborn child protectively as the four vampires watched me in complete and absolute shock.
HEY GUYS *hides*
I know it's been a lonnnnnnnggg time but here is a new Bella pregnant story. It will be different from my first one so hope you enjoy it as much as you enjoyed Miracle of Love!
You know I love reviews!
~Melinda :)