"I'm pregnant."
" … Is it mine?"
"Wrong answer, dumbshit."
"It'll pass. Stop complaining."
"Fuck you and your wiener."
"You did and look where that got us."
"I'm so big!"
"So am I."
"Oh, and I want it dipped in wasabi."
"Seriously?"
"Did I stutter?"
"Wasabi."
"Yes, wasabi."
"You sure you don't want — ?"
"I WANT MY MOTHEREFFIN' WASABI."
"Seriously?"
"Not tonight."
"It's 'cause I'm a freakin' whale, isn't it?"
"No, Temari — "
"I'm not sexy anymore, right?"
"You're sexy, babe; I'm just — "
" — tired of seeing a fat-ass ugly whale of a wife, huh? Huh, Nara?"
"It's — "
"When I finally give birth, I'll be a heap of flabs. And then, when we can fuck properly, you have to lift them to find — "
"Damn it, woman! We went four rounds already! You think my wiener still has some fuel in him?"
" … You refer to your wiener as him?"
"I want a girl."
"Typical."
"I've been surrounded by men my entire life."
"I've been surrounded by women my entire life."
"And you're used to it, see?"
"Temari, I'm still getting used to the fact that my mother has a vagina, gets her period, and uses tampons."
"God, you're such a gynophobe."
"Wow."
"I know. Is that really her?"
"Actually, Shikamaru, is it really them."
"What."
"You're having twins! Two baby girls!"
"Yes! No more dicks!"
"Is it sad that I expected that?"
"OH MY GOD."
"Did your water break? Please tell me it didn't. I'm not ready."
"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."
"Then what?"
"What if I'm not going to be a good mother?"
"Shut the fuck up."
"Excuse me?"
"Did I stutter?"
"But I'm serious! What if when I'm giving birth to them, they don't want to come out?"
"You're an idiot."
"Wow, you really want your ass ripped off, don't you?"
"You practically raised your two younger brothers, Temari."
"It's not like I didn't have any help — "
"No. Shut up."
"Shika — "
"Shut up, bearer of my children. Just shut up."
"My stomach looks like Voldemort's head."
"Look at the bright side — at least you have a nose. And boobs. Big ones."
"Just watch. They're gonna sag."
"I can live with that."
"Shit."
"Bearer of my children, what is the matter?"
"Shit."
"No … "
"What the hell do you mean 'no'? Don't you know what 'shit' means?"
"There's a plethora of — "
"MY FUCKING WATER JUST BROKE, YOU LAZY SACK OF SHIT! GET ME TO THE DAMN HOSPITAL!"
"Wait, I need to prepare for this."
"THIS IS NO TIME FOR PREPARING! YOU'VE HAD NINE MONTHS, ASSHOLE! OUR BABIES WANT TO SKEDADDLE OUTTA MY — !"
"Ha, 'skedaddle.'"
"I am divorcing you after this."
"Congratulations, it's a baby girl and boy!"
"The doctor lied to us."
"Oh, they're so precious! His wiener's so tiny!"
"He got that trait from you, not me."
"Are you actually jealous of your kids?"
"Breastfeeding looks fun, that's all I'm saying."
"I have flabs, Shikamaru!"
"Yeah, but at least I don't have to lift them."
"OH MY GOD."
"What? What's wrong? Is it about you being a bad father? Because you're kinda too late into thinking that."
"I just realized something."
"What?"
"My daughter has a vagina. And she's gonna get her period. And use tampons."
"Or pads."
"Not helping."
"I'm pregnant."
"Again?"
"And it isn't yours."
"What."
"I'm just kidding."
"You're fuckin' hilarious. Kidding about what, though?"
"The kid not being yours."
"So … you're pregnant?"
"Yup."
"Troublesome."
"Wrong fuckin' answer."
— First Shikatema fic., just so ya know.
(Not really, lol. The others were burnt to pieces.)
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