Chapter 1: Resolve
No one could understand how much it had cost her to say no. And not because she wanted power. She was used to having none. And not because she wanted to be someone of importance. She had long given up that dream. But because for that split second, whilst looking into Kylo's eyes she felt the promise. She saw the possibility of not being alone. Even more tempting, she saw the possibility of being understood.
Being abandoned as a child made her always doubt herself and question her worth. She always felt that a part of her must have surely been deemed unworthy of love, unworthy of family.
Unacceptable. Alone.
Words painted over hear forehead. Words that branded her. Separated her from the rest.
Which is why when Kylo…Ben?. When Ben had said those words to her a vision of her future appeared before her eyes. Solid and clear. She had never thought about her future before in such clear terms. She had no reason to.
But his passion, his conviction, his plea, drew a most vivid picture of her future. And she remembered Maz's words about the belonging she was seeking, that it was before and not behind her.
She felt the pull then. Towards something. Darkness? Ben? She was not sure. But she felt it in her veins. The temptation was so great. Like a lion rising up against her, wanting to devour her strongest convictions.
Yet she did not falter. Not for a minute. Not at all. Because Rey had dedicated her whole life to loyally waiting for a family she believed in. She had spent all the years of her life before this, faithfully persevering. She was disciplined and unused to allowing herself the liberty of making choices depending on how she felt. That's why the promise of a good future for herself did not move her. No, what made Rey waver, what made her second guess the immediate response she was going to give Kylo Ren was the shape of his future. It was him, the loyalty she felt towards him. The almost impossible to resist need to be by his side. She wondered whether it was because of the Force. Whether she was indeed his equal in every way and they were only ever going to be made complete by each other.
She shivered. And considered her vision. The one she had on the island when she had touched his hand. She wondered whether this would be the fulfilment of the vision, whether she needed to join him to turn him. Was she prepared to take that risk?
What about her friends? Finn… so loyal and generous. Reckless, but kind. Her first friend.
And Leia. Compassionate and fiery strong Leia, who so desperately wanted to save their world.
She could not abandon her friends. She would not.
A feeling burst in her heart then,overpowering all others.
Resolution.
Rey lifted her hazel eyes to Ben Solo. But it was Kylo Ren who met her stare, his eyes hard, his mouth in a thin line. So much could be read in those eyes. So much that was going to be left unsaid between them.
Kylo had felt it. The change in the Force. Her resolve. He knew then she was going to say no.
And something broke inside of him, in his depths, depths he had refused to acknowledge in so long. Snoke had once told him that killing his father had split his spirit. And he had handled that. Not without scars, but he had handled it. Because the truth was that Kylo was used to killing things. He was used to the way that splintered his being. He was used to the tension in the Force every time he did it.
But this, this was new. Because Kylo had never been at the receiving end of the killing. This was completely foreign to him. He looked into Rey's eyes and he felt the exact moment she made up her mind to leave him. The bond between them snapped harshly, like a cord, and he felt it like a slap in the face. The strangest numbness overcame him. Incomplete.
He felt completely incomplete.
Rey stretched out her hand and used all the strength she had to control the force and grab Luke's lightsaber. Kylo matched her in passion and precision. They each pulled as hard as they could. Rey could feel the force rising inside her like fire, consuming and unrelenting.
She locked eyes with Ben and pulled.
His fire met hers. Force met force, none of them relenting. Not allowing the other to win. Too much hung on that.
They both felt the pressure rising and rising and rising until..
Bang! Crack!
Light exploded in the entire room, throwing them both to its opposite sides.
Rey rushed to her feet as fast as she could and ran to grab the lightsaber.
Panic crept inside of her when she saw not one, but two pieces lying on the ground. Two equal pieces. She gathered them both with a sense of regret, still feeling the adrenaline coursing through her, an aftermath of her facing Kylo in battle.
Kylo.
Her eyes searched for him desperately. She was half expecting him to jump on her. The rage she had read in his eyes was like nothing she had seen before. But then her eyes fell on Kylo's lifeless looking body across the room. Without thinking, without question, she rushed to his side, out of breath, heart racing. She held out her hand as if to touch his cheek but changed her mind just as she was about to make contact with his skin.
She grasped his hand instead. She gasped softly, at the unexpected fullness she felt.
Complete.
No vision this time. Only a feeling of certainty because she had arrived. Home. Where she belonged and where she had longed to be. All the years of loneliness, felt like none. It was as if they were wiped away right before her eyes. As if nothing existed before this moment and as if she had reached the peak. Of what, she did not fully understand. But the tension inside of her, the pull of the force was finally calm.
She grasped his hand tighter.
Clinging to him.
To the feeling of fullness.
She grasped him so tightly, her own knuckles turned white. She leaned above him, with tears now running freely down her cheek. She leaned near his ear and whispered:
"I am sorry Ben." Soft as a breath she touched her lips to his cheek. She realised then that she was trembling, an uncomfortable tightness in her chest.
All of a sudden she could hear General Hux bellowing orders somewhere near by so she quickly pulled herself up and ran. She ran as fast as she could.
In those moments, as she was running, she replayed all the time she had spent with Ben in the last few days. She remembered how she felt being near him, how the Force relished in their union. And she remembered how he felt. And how holding his future felt. How significant it made her feel to be the one allowed into his depths.
She allowed those feelings to course through her and then she used as much of the Force as she could to shut them down.
As she flew off his ship and towards her friends she committed her heart to forgetting Ben Solo and their Force bond and heart bond and whatever else that tied them together. All that was left was Kylo Ren, now Supreme Commander of the First Order and sworn enemy of the Resistance.
Kylo opened his eyes abruptly, quickly jumping to his feet. He looked for a sign from Rey but could not see her anywhere.
She was gone.
And so was the lightsaber.
General Hux came rushing into the throne room then.
"What happened here?" He said.
"The girl killed our Supreme Leader and then ran off." Kylo replied.
"You mean to tell me she bested you in a fight?" He paused. And then added incredulously. "Both of you? And all the guards?"
Kylo gritted his teeth. "She just caught me unaware. Prepare the fleet. We are going to end those filthy rebels today." He barked and stormed off.
For the rest of that day, Kylo was annoyed.
In fact he was angry.
Raving mad.
Furious.
At Rey. At Luke. His mother. His father. The Force.
Years and years of burying the pain of his parents leaving and of Luke's betrayal, all came crashing down on him. Caused him to completely lose control, something which he valued above else. No one got to where he was without exercising a great deal of control, particularly self-control. Still, he had lost it. Fighting with Luke's hologram. He should have sensed that in the Force. He would have, if he had been less angry, his mind less preoccupied with Rey and destroying the Resistance. He wanted them gone because they were an enemy of the First Order.
And because they took her away
But he let the rebels get away. He knew Rey had helped them get away. And he could not get there in time to stop her.
For the first time in years, Kylo Ren felt weakness in his heart. He had forgotten it was there. His heart.
General Snoke kept referring to it. His heart and his weakness. Telling him he was too much heart, too much light. He had allowed Snoke to believe that. He had taken a page out of his Supreme Leader's book and manipulated his weakness. And everyone knew Snoke's weakness was pride, conceit for everyone and everything. He was an arrogant bastard and Kylo knew sooner or later he would be able to use that against him. And he had done it.
He had won.
He was Supreme Leader Kylo Ren.
His grandfather would have been proud.
Kylo Ren looked across the vast expanse of space. Now that he had destroyed not one, not two but three stormtrooper cabins and Force chocked most of his army, he was at peace.
Or at least in control.
Fine.
He was containing his anger, at least. But it did not help that everytime he closed his eyes, he could see Rey's expression as she closed the door to that ship.
Resolve. Strong resolve.
He felt it in the Force around her.
Silently he had tried to somehow reach out to her.
But there was nothing he could say. Or do. Or be. He felt uncomfortably small inside remembering the look in her eyes.
He was Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order.
In her eyes. He saw it. Could still see it. Feel the sting of her glare. The monster she thought him to be. Kylo Ren, the monster, her enemy and that of the entire galaxy.
But in that moment, remembering her glare, Kylo had an astonishing revelation, followed by a sharp pain in the region near his heart. Every crushing heartbeat felt like it was mocking him. Because Rey had looked at him and seen only Kylo Ren.
But sadly, he could not recall a time when he felt more like Ben Solo.