Disclaimer: Not mine. Not at all. If they did the world would be a happier place. It'd be Addek. But they do belong to Shonda Rhimes no matter how much I dislike it.
Author's Note: Long time no see. This is the first Addek story after Numb that I'm posting on I'm 20.000 miles away from home and I'm still spending my time writing Addek fanfiction. The only difference, though a major one, is that now I do so lying on the beach and getting a tan.
Special thanks to Lou who betas for me.
SummaryIt had been five years since she started writing; four since she signed a contract and three years and five months since the first copy was sold and she had stripped to the skin.
Cryptic? FTW. It's Addek.
I put up an edited version because I forgot to add a few things and others were screwed up while uploading it. Anyway, the present time is 2012, everything that is typed like that '…text…' are book quotations. It jumps back and forth in time, so watch out for the dates above each paragraph
Tears Drop Like Rain On The Sea'…I never considered myself someone who surrenders, backs down from a challenge instead of fights till the knuckles turn white and the knees cannot hold your weight anymore. This time, with you, I failed my own principals and ideals. In love I trusted, in you believed and through time I died…'
Slowly Addison closed the book and let her hand glide over the soft dark blue cover. She took a deep breath, digested the importance of the moment and the last words of the book she had just finished before standing up and putting it back into her big oak book shelf. Quietly she traced the little white inscription on the side of the book.
Time Heals Every Wonder By Addison Forbes Montgomery
It had been five years since she started writing, four since she signed a contract and three years and five months since the first copy was sold and she had stripped to the skin.
Timehealseverywonder
Los Angeles, 2007"Sunscreen anyone?" Nancy looked among the women expectantly and was rewarded with blank stares.
"What," Nancy asked curiously.
"California. We live here. The sun shines 342 days a year. It is September, the summer is almost over and we are already tanned. No need for sunscreen," Violet answered matter of factly.
"Perfect. I´ll wait for Addie then. She´s got fair skin. She´ll have sunscreen." Nancy lay back down and put on her sun glasses. " Where is she anyway? She was supposed to be back 30 minutes ago."
"She went to see a shrink?"
"I believe the correct term of my job would be psychotherapist," Violet corrected her friend after she had slapped her lightly on the shoulder.
"But aren´t you a shrink, too," Nancy asked smugly looking at Violet who threw up her hands in mock resignation.
"Yes, but I don´t do sessions with my friends. Besides, and that has to stay among us, she´s kind of a hard case. A very hard one. The first time Pete put those stupid needles all over her face she started crying hysterically. Scary I tell you." Violet paused and looked between the two women who looked at her understandingly, or apologetically, she wasn´t sure. "I gave her the number of a friend who graduated from UCLA with me. Very good man."
"Who is?" The three women turned around and looked shell shocked at Addison who was standing mere feet away staring at them curiously in her black skirt and light green tank top.
"Barak
Obama." Nancy was the first one to respond. "We were just talking
about the up coming presidential race." She hoped it was good
enough to satisfy Addison.
"He is, isn´t he? I´m
impressed…."
Obviously she had believed the little lie, but Nancy was otherwise occupied and couldn´t really follow Addison´s words. In her mind Violet´s words kept replaying like a bad record on repeat. She´s a hard case. Bawling like there was no tomorrow. Scary I tell you. That´s what she came to LA for, to spend some quality time with her ex-sister-in-law and one of her oldest and best friends, she just was shocked to see how badly Addison needed someone and in what emotional condition she appeared to be post-Seattle.
"Nancy? Nance?" Addison tried to get the brunette's attention.
"Oh, yes. Sorry, I zoomed out."
"I noticed." Addison smiled weakly at her friend before reaching out for one of her hands. "I´m sorry to steal her away, but I feel an overwhelming need for turkey, fries and a little catching up with my favourite ex-sister-in-law."
"It sure makes me feel great to know that I come last on your list," Nancy joked, "but let´s go and grab something to eat. I´m starving."
Timehealseverywonder
New York / Los Angeles 2009
"…I love you. I have loved you more than you will ever know and believe. The last thing I thought I would ever do, was hurt you the way I did. I did what you wanted and needed me to do and I didn´t do it at all. I loved you and didn´t love you enough. With you I was trapped in a cycle of hypocrisy and double morals. We don´t deserve to be forgiven by each other and yet it is the only thing to stop this restless day-to-day life we´re stuck in. I write this as if it was the last part of a tragic downfall of a friendship, a romance even, believing that these were the last words my mouth will ever utter towards you and I hope you see the depths behind three words that are all that is left: Goodbye and farewell..."
You are free to write whatever and however you feel like, although there is one condition, Addison. You cannot delete what you have written. There is always a reason behind the words you have chosen to describe your feelings and the fact that you have written them down, means that part of you, no matter how small it is and how deep down it is hidden from the surface, needs those words to be spoken out. Think about what you want to reveal about yourself and chose your words deliberately. Once they are out, they need to stay.
Printed on paper, a piece of her soul.
Addison would often sit outside her house on the landing, drinking a glass of red wine wondering what he was doing and how he was reacting towards the book and the final words she had dedicated to him.
In her mind he would walk down the streets of Manhattan, lost in thought and listening to his ipod. His destination being Central Park, where he would lie down in the grass and let the soft summer breeze tickle his skin. He would pass a bookstore and unexpectedly his eyes would catch the name of a person long banned to the back of his mind and heart. He would be startled at first, then he would slowly enter the bookstore, walk straight to the section where her book would be lined up. He would reach out for one copy, lift it up and turn it around to read the summary and various reviews of literary critics.
He would open the book on the first page, read over the dedication and smile understandingly.
Thank you, all of you. Every one of you has had an influence on my life
and
has formed the person that I am today.
So, thank you.
Timehealseverywonder
New York, 2004"…I miss you. Everyday I miss you so much that it physically aches. I get up and go to work and I come home in the evening a little less sad knowing that every day that passed by is one day less till I am with you again. I cry a tear for all the experiences I do not get to make with you. I will never make you chocolate chip pancakes and place butterfly kisses all over your cocoa covered face. I will never get to watch you take your first step or how you call me momma for the first time. I will never read you stories about princesses and knights and happily ever afters. I will never hear your endless questions about everything and nothing at all. I will never kiss you goodbye on your first day of kindergarten and elementary school. I will never talk to you about boys, love and soothe your first broken heart with ice cream and snuggle time. I will never get to make that awfully uncomfortable speech about sex and protection. I will never dress you up for prom or watch you walk down the aisle. I will never watch you grow up to be a thoughtful, caring, beautiful and smart young woman. And it tears me apart. But more than everything it kills me that I am not with you, not even near you and I hope you can forgive me and believe me when I tell you how much I miss you and love you, more than myself…"
It was way past midnight when Derek Shepherd climbed up the stairs of their house and entered the bedroom. There crawled on the right side of their bed lay a fragile woman with silent tears running down her cheeks, hidden by the darkness and invisible to the oblivious husband standing in the threshold.
Slowly Addison turned around to face Derek who had not moved away from his former position and they both stared at each other wordlessly, incapable of speaking to each other, simply forming words. Until Derek broke the silence that had been omnipresent for the last couple of months.
"I think…I think we should try again," he spoke barely above a whisper.
Addison took a deep breath to keep her body from shaking and the tears from spilling. She needed to be strong, for him she needed to be a fighter. She could not show him her own vulnerability. She could not cry in front of him.
"Addie," he asked insecurely.
"I am not ready," she sighed and moved so that she was now facing the window instead of her hurt and disappointed husband.
He moved over to the closet, stripped down to his boxer briefs and put on an old Columbia t-shirt. Quietly he slipped beneath the covers.
"It just feels like I will never have it, the whole thing. It feels like Sarah…" he paused shortly to catch his breath, "I just feel like it´s never going to happen, Addie."
He heard her sobbing quietly and lay one hand on her shoulder to give it a squeeze. His action only increased her sobs and soon she was shaking heavily and Derek was once again left lying helplessly next to his crying wife. He did not know what to say to make the hurt and grief better because he could not imagine what one could say to him to make this loss more bearable. He did not know what to do when all she ever seemed to do in his presence was cry harder than before. He needed to be strong for her; he needed to be a fighter for her. He needed to do whatever was necessary to make her better.
His pager went off and he stood up to read the message. 911. He needed to head back to the hospital.
"I have got to go," he said to the silence in the room.
He needed to make her feel better, even if it meant that he could not be around her so much anymore. At least then she would not cry so much. Little did he know.
As he descended the stairs of their brownstone, he wrote the first paragraphs of the ending of a wonder that was healed by time.
Timehealseverywonder
Los Angeles, 2007
"He what," Savvy gasped on the other line.
"Recommended I write a book about my life, deal with everything by writing it down," Addison explained in an unsure voice.
"And you said?"
"That I thought he was crazy and that I was going to find another shrink first thing tomorrow." Both women chuckled at that before Savvy heard Addison sigh on the other end.
"Addie," Savvy asked worriedly.
"Mmh," Addison replied while fidgeting with a pen on her desk.
"You don´t sound okay. Do you want me to come out to LA for a while?"
"Nah, you don´t have to do that. It´s just a lot. Talking about everything is just so draining, you know. You are forced to go through everything that has happened again and some things are just hard," Addison said quietly, voice sick with emotion.
"Sarah?" Savvy was afraid of Addison´s reaction to the bluntness of her question. She had not talked to her about Addison´s dead daughter in a very long time, 7 years to be exact.
"Among other things," Addison breathed barely above a whisper.
There was a pregnant pause of awkward silence and many different issues that needed to be mentioned but neither felt it was right to do that just then.
"You know, I think I have changed my mind. It would be good if you wrote that book. I mean you don´t have to publish it or anything, but I think it would be good for you."
Addison took a few moments to clear her mind and answer her best friend´s question. And when she did, Savvy was not surprised to hear what she did. It was Addison. The Addison that would never back down from a challenge, no matter how hard or draining it may seem to become.
"I know. I already wrote a few things down," Addison admitted quietly, a hint of pride in her voice.
Timehealseverywonder
Los Angeles, 2010'Hey Addie, its me Mark. I read your book. Its good. Really good. Eh…I dont know what else to say right now. I just hope everything is alright for you and that youre happy in LA. It seems like you are. Thats good. So, I guess it means goodbye then. Take care…Oh and Derek is on his way to Los Angeles. I just thought Id let you know. So you dont go all sorts of crazy when he stands on your front porch.
Addison swore heavily under her breath when the message ended. If she hadn't ignored the incoming message she would have been prepared to find her ex-husband on the other side of the threshold. She would not have made a complete fool out of herself like she had. Maybe she would not even have been as shocked as she had to hear him say what she had longed for him to say so long.
Addison pressed herself against the side of her door to keep herself from falling when she asked Derek curiously, 'what are you doing here?'
Derek smiled insecurely at her. The kind of smile that wasknown around SGH as the McDreamy smile. It was the one that he had reserved only for her, back when they had started dating and gotten married. The smile had faded through time. Derek looked her in the eyes and said softly but sincerely, 'you, I came for you.'
'…Every fairytale starts withOnce upon a time. I had learned as much early in my childhood when my grandfather read me many of them. There was always a princess and a prince who found love with each other and lived happily ever after. When I was younger I wanted to have that same fairytale in my life, too. I sacrificed nearly all of my own happiness to get it.
Here is my story, my fairytale.
Once upon a time I met a gentleman somewhere on the Columbia campus. We met, we talked and we decided to meet again and again and again and again. I kissed the gentleman and he became my prince. We found true love with each other and lived happily ever after…except we did not. Not at all. We thought we had it all and nothing could ever come between us. What I had not known back then was that sometimes in tragedy even the strongest bonds are torn apart. When we lost our daughter, we lost ourselves. We did not try hard enough to find us again, rebuild the couple that we had been before the death of our daughter and let the love that had formed our relationship in the first place guide us through the hard times.
I needed you, but you were not there. You needed me, but I was not there. Fairytales are like wonders and we let ours be healed by time…'
Timehealseverywonder
Hartford, 1975
'…When people say that they are not ready to have children, most of the time it means that they have made experiences in their life so far that made it hard to imagine themselves with children, someone as innocent as a new soul that is given to them to take care and guide through life.
I had never felt like I would ever have it before I was pregnant, either. Now I am not even sure if I ever want to be…'
One night Kendra Montgomery sat down on the bed of her only daughter. She tucked her in softly, kissed the top of Addisons head and began singing her daughters favourite bedtime song.
When she had finished she kissed her daughters forehead, put her hand on the top of Addisons head and spoke sadly, ' I love you, Addie. Never forget that. I hope you can forgive me someday.'
Addison woke up to a house full of voices and noises. She did not understand what was happening around her but once she opened the door she would hear one word that she would not be able to understand fully and which would change her life completely.
Suicide.
Los Angeles/ Hartford, 2011'Frederik Montgomery,' An elderly man answered the phone.
"Hi Dad, its me Addie,' Addison greeted her father warmly. They had not spoken in a while. Addison had tried to keep in touch with her family and friends on the east coast, but her life had taken such a crazy turn that it had been hard to keep the contact as frequent as it had been before her book relaease.
'I know, Sweetie. You're the only daughter of mine that I know of. They both laughed at the comment.
'Addie?'
'Yes, Dad.'
'You dont need to keep calling me every year on this day. It might have been difficult at first, but I dont need to be taken care of anymore, especially by my grown up celebrity daughter,' he said jokingly.
'I'm not a celebrity. I just published a book that a hand full of people actually take the time to read,' Addison said laughingly.
'You keep telling yourself that.'
There was a short pause on either end that made it impossible for both of them to deny the real reason behind this phone call and destroy the attempts to cover up the importance of this day by father-daughter humourism.
'Maybe you don't need this as much as you used to, but I do. I really need you today and you are 3000 miles away. So the most I could have of you today, is this phone call. Please let me have this.'
Addison sighed, fighting back the tears that were welling up in her eyes.
'Of course, I will. You are all I have. I love you more than myself.'
'Me, too, Dad,' Addison replied quietly.
'Not quite true, Adds.'
'What do you mean, Dad?'
'Why didnt you tell me that you are engaged? Derek came by to ask for your hand. Again.'
Addison took a deep breath before she answered, 'Because I didnt say yes.'
'Why? I know youlove him. You always have, just like him. Youve just done a great deal of work denying that to yourselves for far too long.'
'I dont want to become just someone he has vowed to be with till death do us part again. I love him, Dad. So much. But what happened the last time just kinda left a bad taste in my mouth. We dont need vows to be committed to each other. If we want to spend the rest of our lives together, then we will. With or without a valid marriage certificate.
'It sounds like this is what you really want.'
'It is,' Addison said sincerely.
'Then thats all that matters. I got to go, Addie. Say hi to Derek for me.'
'I will. Love you.'
'Love you, too.'
End of chapter one. Be nice to me and leave a review. The more reviews (because I'm an attention whore), no matter what they are like, the sooner I'll update. The good thing about this fic is that it's already finished and not a work in progress.