It was a bright and sunny day in Privet Drive and Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, was sitting on a bed under the staircase. He didn't come in here often but when he did it was usually to polish the old wand. Rigorously pumping the stick between his fingers and a piece of cloth, Harry laid back and thought of Hogwarts.

He couldn't wait to start another year, it seemed as though every school year he was fighting off danger. He was looking forward to finally having a normal school year (or at least as normal as possible). A year where his friends weren't put in mortal danger and his parental figures killed. A year where that magical douchebag Voldemort was gunning for him.

As sparks flew from the tip of the wood, Harry smiled and thought about his excitement. He was so excited to have another shot at a normal year! "Harry, get out from under there you stupid orphaned prick!" yelled his ridiculously overweight cousin Dudley. "I'm coming!" Harry ejaculated. He signed and put his hand on the knob before twisting it. This could only lead to fun, he thought to himself adjectively.

Dudley stood outside the staircase, leaning over the edge, waiting to pounce. Harry had called him fat so many times. Now he would get pay back by jumping (or more likely rolling) down the stairs and crushing Potter's spine beneath his wide berth. Dudley smiled at the thought of his weight upon Harry. There would be too much Dudley for Harry to handle.

Harry opened the door warily. Dudley leapt (rolled). His natural blubber spread increasing his surface area. Harry glanced up and leapt aside. Dudley's bulk seemed to slow in the air and slowly descended to the ground. The carpet collapsed under his weight and a large crater formed beneath him. The house shook as if mortally wounded.

Harry picked himself up and looked over to Dudley. It was a gruesome sight. He had landed on his head and the intense, gargantuan weight of his body had obliterated everything above his torso. If it had been possible to feel a pulse through the layers of fat that encased his body, Harry would have known for certain that he was dead.

"Holy God, you nearly killed me you fat son of a-"

Harry paused. Dudley wasn't rolling over and getting back up. Was he… dead? Harry tried to feel for a pulse but felt nothing.

"Holy God. Dudley Dursley is dead!" Harry swore. There was no way he wasn't going to take the fall for this. If Uncle Vernon or Aunt Petunia saw this, he was as good as dead himself. There was no logical way Harry could hide this. There would still be the question of where Dudley was. Harry only hoped he could shift the blame onto someone else.

To get away unscathed, he would require some sort of… magic. Harry smiled. He pointed his wand at Dudley's body and cried, "Vanishing spell!"

Dudley failed to disappear. Harry cursed. Why couldn't he remember how to use a vanishing spell! IF only he could remember somehow…

"Accio Hermione Granger!"

Suddenly Hermione burst through the window.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuu-"she screamed as glass shards span in all directions.

She landed with a heavy thud and then a tinkle of glass, "-uuuuuck!"

She picked herself and huffed haughtily at Harry.

"Harry, what the hell?"

Harry gasped. For some reason.

"Hermione, quickly I need to know how to use a vanishing spell so I can dispose of my cousins corpse!"

Hermione gasped, "Harry what did you do?"

Harry retorted quickily, "It was Voldemort, he's trying to frame me for murder to defame me! Please believe, and help, me!"

Hermione's eyes twinkled.

"Oh Harry I believe you even if no-one else does!"

She turned to Dudley's body, oblivious to Harry's smirk.

"Evanesco! Reparo!"

Dudley vanished and the floor became much less concave. Hermione spun around to face Harry.

"But Harry, won't they know that we've used underage magic?"

Harry swore. Suddenly cloaked figures burst through the windows. It was… the wizard cops.

"You two are under arrest for underage magic."

"We'll come quietly-" began Hermione before the wizard cops proceeded to beat the shit out of both her and Harry.

They were unconscious. The wizard cops smiled.

"Now that they are unconscious, let's take them back to our master."

Harry gasped because he remembered that wizard cops weren't even a thing that was real. Wizard cops are fake just like the Deathly Hallows and Crumpled Horned Snorkacks. No, these men… were Death Eaters!

Harry gasped.

To Be Continued!