WORK RELIEF
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY PART OF THE STARSKY AND HUTCH FRANCHISE. THE FOLLOWING IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I needed something light and whimsical and I threw in a few surprises that tickled my funny bone.
Enjoy!
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It wasn't just the dull routine of writing the reports that bothered Hutch as much as it was the irritating tapping going on across from him. Trying to ignore Starsky, the blond bent his head again to concentrate on his own file. After reading the same sentence five times, he sighed loudly and pushed his chair back from the desk.
He rubbed the crease between his eyes as he thought back to last night. Melanie surprised him by coming by with a bottle of wine. Things progressed nicely until he moved in to taste the wine on her lips. Once he took her in his arms and they were primed for a romantic interlude, it all came crashing down around him when right in the middle of the most lushious sample of her wine sweetened tongue, it struck! Hiccups! Hutch hiccuped right in the middle of a kiss! It didn't stop either. He laughed at first but after five minutes when the hiccups didn't stop, he grew agitated and felt his face turn red. He'd tried to laugh it away but that made the hiccups worse and by then, his stomach cramped because of the constant spasms. Ever try to continue a kiss or be romantic while you're hiccuping?
To make matters worse, he wasn't able to sleep because the hiccups continued for hours. He tried herbal tea, holding his breath, even tried concentrating on NOT hiccuping. Finally exhausted, he'd fallen into a restless sleep but awakened when his alarm went off a few hours later. So of course Starsky picked up on the dark circles under his eyes and started quizzing the blond about the date he'd had with Melanie.
"So, you had a pretty active night huh Hutch?" Starsky wagged his eyebrows at the blond, who tried to suppress a yawn.
"It's not what you think Starsk." Another large yawn escaped, cutting off the rest of his reply.
Now, Hutch was extremely tired and his last nerve was being stretched to the limit by his overly exuberant partner. Obviously Starsky thought Hutch's sleepless night was due to Melanie's visit but Hutch hadn't told him the whole story. He was sure the dark haired man wouldn't believe that he'd been up all night with hiccups instead of with Melanie.
For several minutes, Hutch studied his partner who was unaware of the glaring blue eyes pointed in his direction. Starsky continued tapping his pencil on the desk as he read the report in front of him. The dark curls bounced to some imagined tune going on inside the head that led to the pencil tapping on the table.
A loud intake of breath escaped the blond's mouth. He quickly put his hand over his mouth in order to politely camouflage the outburst.
Starsky lifted his eyes from the report, smiled and returned back to reading.
Rather than a burp, the hiccup escaped again, making his stomach spasm at the same time with a slightly nauseous feeling.
"Stand up and put your arms over your head", suggested Starsky, without so much as a glance in his partner's direction. Hutch scowled back as another spasm along with a loud intake of air escaped.
A few officers around the pair looked up and shook their heads as Hutch continued with the hiccups. One officer moved further down the row of desks, dragging the phone with him as he slid a few chairs further away from the disturbance.
Five minutes went by as Hutch continued with the hiccups. Starsky finally raised his eyes from the report and concentrated on Hutch. At the next outburst, the dark haired man pushed his chair back, walked over to the other side of the desk and stood in front of his friend.
"Did ya eat something that's giving you indigestion? Probably that desiccated liver crap you insist on eating." Starsky reached into the desk drawer, rummaged around and pulled out a blue dog, a wool cap and a rabbit's foot before he finally came up with what he was looking for. He handed the still suffering blond a bottle of antacids.
"I don't...(hic) need anta..(hic). ant..." Giving up trying to speak, he shoved the bottle back at Starsky with a very disgruntled scowl on his face.
As Starsky was about to make some further comment, Captain Dobey's door opened and the Captain stood with hands on hips, surveying the activity until his glare landed on Starsky and Hutch.
"You two, in my office... NOW!" The voice boomed as the two detectives did as requested. Starsky hooked the door with his toe and slammed it shut, knowing full well what was about to happen.
"Starsky, what have I told you about slamming doors? What the hell.. it's like talking to one of my kids, ya never listen!" A grunt of annoyance followed as the burly man slumped down in his leather chair. He wiped his hand over his face in frustration before concentrating on the two men in front of him. He waited, knowing there would be an explanation for the door slamming incident.
"Ya see, Cap, Hutch here has the hiccups. I thought I might scare them out of him." Starsky stopped and pointed at Hutch. "Well, see there? It worked!" Looking pleased with himself, Starsky took a seat in one of the chairs in front of his Captain's desk and grinned at his blond friend.
Hutch raised his head, listening, anticipating the awful stomach pull of the next hiccup which never came. He sat quietly for a full minute before attempting to speak. He rubbed his belly to ease the lingering crampy feeling.
"Wow, don't know if it was the banging door thing or maybe your urgent request Captain, but yeah, my hiccups are gone!" A wide smile spread across his face as Hutch breathed a sigh of relief.
"See, we scared them outta you!" Starsky raised his feet, intending to prop them up on the corner of Captain Dobey's desk. But the throat clearing and warning look on the dark face caused Starsky to reverse his action and put both feet back on the floor.
Hutch sincerely wanted to halt any more angry outbursts from their captain so he tried to change the subject.
"Umm Captain, what was it you wanted to speak to us about? You got a new case for us?"
"No Hutchinson, I just wanted to make sure you two were making progress on all those reports. Especially the Klondike case. That's going to trial next week and you've got to..." Suddenly the air exploded with a new burst of noise from Hutch's direction.
"Sorry, Cap.. we (hic) have (hic), (hic)..."
"What my partner is trying to tell you is... We're just waiting for one file from the records department then the case is officially off our desks!." Starsky's speech was marked by several more hiccups from Hutch who sat in his chair, hunched over, holding his stomach.
Dobey stood up as Hutch continued with the hiccups. The Captain opened the door to the squad room, walked over to the coffee machine and picked up two packets of sugar. He made his way back and handed them to the detective.
Hutch looked up as he questioned the gift.
"What am I (hic) (hic) supposed..." More outbursts followed, rendering him speechless.
Captain Dobey took back the packets as he explained to an uncomfortable Hutch.
"Here, stick your tongue out and I'll sprinkle the sugar on your tongue. Keep your tongue out while the sugar dissolves, then swallow. That always works when Rosie has the hiccups."
The spasms continued as Hutch snarled once but then stuck his tongue out and winced as the sickening sweetness landed on the target. A few seconds later he pulled his tongue back in, swallowed and waited again to see if the cure would work.
Starsky couldn't hold out any longer. He giggled and slapped his thigh as the hiccups returned, stronger and louder this time. He mumbled something under his breath which resulted in an icy stare from his friend.
Hutch raised his index finger in warning rather than try to speak the threat he wanted to throw at his partner.
Choosing to ignore the looks that passed between the partners, Dobey voiced his concern.
"How long has this been going on? Hiccups can be a real problem. A reaction to stress sometimes. Have you eaten anything unusual lately? Oh wait, you're always eating that health food junk and taking vitamins right? Maybe you're allergic to something." The Captain thought of all likely explanations. He knew hiccups were painful if they went on for any length of time. His detective looked very distressed.
"They started last (hic,hic) night. Don't know what I (hic) ate.(hic)"
Hutch stood up and went back to the squad room. He figured he'd be no help in communicating anything so Starsky could fill the Captain in with the details of the Klondike murder. The body was found a month ago, leads followed and the arrest was made. All by the book, easily handled and there were no holes or loose ends dangling before the trial next week.
As he made his way back to his desk, Hutch found a cup of water waiting for him. He looked around in between hiccups, but no one claimed to be the gift giver. He shrugged, swallowed the water and tossed the paper cup into the wastebasket in the corner by the coffee pot. Although the disturbance continued, Hutch tried to maintain his dignity and ignore the painful spasms he still endured. He sat, reading through the report he'd been working on before being called into Dobey's office. He looked up when he felt a squeeze to his neck. Starsky came around the desk and perched on the back of his chair.
"So, still got the hiccups? Dumb question I guess." Starsky asked, as another hiccup grabbed at Hutch.
"Worse now than (hic) before" Hutch moaned as the outburst continued. He really wanted them to stop but he had no idea how to accomplish that.
At this point, the squad room door opened. Jenny, the file clerk, scanned the room until she found who she was looking for. She balanced the shifting folders in her arms and used their weight to push through the swinging doors of the squad room. She made her way over to the two detectives and dumped the arm load of file folders in the middle of the desk.
"Here, you requested more late reports that need cleaned up. So here ya go!" Jenny stepped out of reach of the dark haired man. She had no wish to be teased today. The baby had been up all night crying and had hiccups off and on and she was really tired.
"Jenny, -who can I turn to for file number 867-5309?", Starsky inquired as he scratched his head in awe of the pile strewn out on top of the desk. This file was the last one they needed to complete the case so it could be used for the trial.
"It's in there somewhere guys. You're the detective so find it!" Jenny pointed at the mess on the desk as she stretched her tired back.
At the next hiccup, Jenny watched as Hutch tried to control the outburst.
"Must be something going around Hutch. Dustin, my 18 month old baby, had hiccups last night too. Just couldn't get him comfortable. But the weirdest thing is, Dustin had hiccups even before he was born!" Both men looked up at her. Hutch attempted to speak but his sentence of course was blocked by the hiccups.
"What do you (hic) mean?" (hic, hic) Hutch gave up.
"Well, while I was pregnant, Dustin had hiccups a lot while still inside me. It was a very strange feeling. And it happened mostly at night. The second trimester I thought I'd never sleep again. He kept me awake many nights with those damn hiccups."
"Babies, ... nah, doubt that's Hutch's problem. But you said Dustin was cryin' a lot last night. I heard that can cause hiccups." Starsky reached to grab Jenny around the waist but she anticipated that move and slid out of the way. Ignoring the dark haired man, Jenny flinched as Hutch experienced another round of hiccups.
In response, Hutch groaned and held his stomach, rubbing at the tightness in his belly and chest that accompanied the outbursts. He also sucked in a large breath, held it until his face turned red then let out a long breath of air only to be followed by another hiccup.
"Nothing... works! I feel like I'm gonna (hic) toss my (hic) cookies!" As if to emphasize his point, Hutch covered his mouth and Starsky snagged a garbage can to place in front of his blond friend.
As Hutch gasped for breath in another attempt to ward off the hiccups, the door opened again. This time Minnie entered and walked directly over to the two men.
Hutch shook his head and waved Minnie away. He felt like he was on display and just wanted to literally drown his problems. The fewer people involved, the better. But that was not likely to happen, not in this office. He tried to smile through another outburst but gave up again and just grunted through another spasm.
"Don't try to make me disappear Blondie! I'm here to help you with a guaranteed cure for those hiccups!" Minnie spoke as she turned toward the water dispenser. She filled up a cup with water and returned to the desk. Without waiting to be asked, she sat down next to Starsky and patted his hand.
"I'm water logged (hic) as it (hic) is. Just leave me (hic, hic)..." Hutch grumbled again, totally frustrated. Starsky began to worry for real now. This had been going on for at least 24 hours according to the blond and the dark haired man wondered how long a body could deal with such a thing.
"What ya got for him Minnie? Something's gotta give soon, or he's gonna freak out!" Starsky's worried eyes slid over to his friend as another pattern of hiccups and reactions assaulted Hutch.
"Okay, now this is gonna sound crazy, but do exactly what I tell you to do and I promise, your hiccups will be gone instantly!"
Silently, Hutch lifted his eyes to Minnie. At this point he would try anything to get rid of this torture. He hadn't been able to figure out what had started the hiccups. Last night with Melanie, everything was going fine until the hiccups started. Then she'd gotten bored and as she buttoned up her blouse, she'd accused him of subconsciously not really liking her and getting the hiccups in an attempt to deal with his guilt.
"Don't give up on us baby!" Hutch's words stuttered in between hiccups as he watched her slam the door on her way out. It's hard being seductive when you have the hiccups and feel nauseated.
"Now watch and listen closely Hutch. Do everything I do but wait till I've explained it before you try it. Now you'll take a sip of water and hold it in your mouth. Then with your right hand, use one finger to plug your ear and one finger to close your nostril. Then do the same with the left side. You'll hold them closed at the same time, then swallow the water. Once you've swallowed, wait a couple seconds then release your nose and ears and Presto! -- the hiccups will be gone, permanently."
Hutch shot an icy blue stare around him. He sighed but the noise grew in intensity as another burst of hiccups attacked. He held up both hands in resignation but did not try to speak again. He picked up the cup of water, offered it in a salute to his audience and gulped at the liquid.
He then followed Minnie's instructions. He felt extremely silly but hey, if it worked, he'd give her a huge kiss right here and now.
He closed his eyes as he concentrated on plugging his nose and ears, then swallowed. He kept his eyes shut, waiting for the tightness in his belly to return and the hiccup to explode again. The room grew quiet as all heads turned toward the little group. The silence was interrupted not by a hiccup but by the ringing of a phone and the usual activity resumed around them.
Hutch opened his eyes and let out a long sigh. He sat still, not wanting to aggravate the relative quiet of his body. Then, feeling a bit more confident he stood up.
"Minnie, I'll give this 15 minutes. That's all the relief I've gotten with any of the other suggestions. In 17 minutes, I'll scoop you up in a hug and a kiss. In half an hour, if they haven't come back, you and me baby are going out on the town!"
"I promise it'll work, honey. But I'll come back in an hour and collect not only the kiss but that night out as well. But only on one condition... can that trashy boy over there come with us?" Minne winked at Starsky, who rubbed his hands together in delight.
"Minnie, if this works, anything you want, you got... umm-- within reason of course!" The banter was interrupted by the ringing phone. Starsky answered, Minnie left and Hutch went back to work on the pile of reports still strewn over their desks.
Several hours later, Hutch looked up from his work. He signed his name to the last page and breathed a sigh of relief as the final report was now complete. He checked his watch and realized it had been about 10 minutes since Starsky left. He figured the man went to the john and would come back by way of the candy machine. He stood up and stretched his hands above his head to work out the kinks in his back. He hesitated, then looked at his watch again. He was amazed when he realized that two hours had passed and... they were gone... no hiccups! He'd been so busy and it just occurred to him that Minnie hadn't even been by.
He still wasn't completely convinced that the hiccups were gone for good. But Hutch went in search of his partner and found him and Minnie discussing their night out in celebration of the end of Hutch's hiccups. Since they all had the following weekend off, they agreed to meet at Huggy's.
An hour later the men headed home for the day. They stopped at Starsky's to drop the Torino off and decide where to go for dinner. Hutch wanted to go back to his place for a light meal of scrambled eggs and toast but against his better judgement, the blond let himself be talked into going to the Mexican restaurant a few blocks away. Actually The Sombrero had excellent Mexican food and besides, Starsky deserved something he liked for a change. Hutch knew he hadn't been easy to put up with today so he gave in to the suggestion.
"Ahh, a beef and bean burrito with extra onions! Smells terrific!" Starsky smacked his lips in anticipation. Both men enjoyed their beers while waiting for dinner.
"How about that Hutch, your hiccups never did come back! That trick from Minnie really worked!"
"Man, I'm just glad they're gone. I didn't think I could deal with them much longer."
Their food came shortly afterward and both started enjoying their meals. All was silent while they ate but about half way through, Starsky put down his burritio to take a large gulp of his beer. The banter between them resumed and they found themselves relaxing and talking about their date next weekend with Minnie. They discussed the unusual cure that finally stopped Hutch's hiccups. Starsky laughed as he related how funny Hutch looked as he carried out the instructions. But secretly, Starsky was very glad that the odd suggestion had relieved his friend of the affliction. He never liked seeing Hutch in distress, whatever the cause.
While Starsky continued eating, Hutch decided to go find a pay phone and call Melanie. He really wanted to show her how much he liked her. Completing the call, he made his way back to Starsky who had finished the last of his beer.
"C'mon pal, I'm taking you home!" Hutch reached down and playfully slapped Starsky on the cheek.
The dark haired man looked startled but recovered with his own retort.
"You ain't my type buddy!"
"Don't flatter yourself! I got a better offer. Melanie's meeting me back at my place and we're gonna..." Hutch smiled as he pulled some bills out of his wallet for the tip.
"You're gonna pick up where you left off last night? Just don't be late picking me up tomorrow blondie!" Starsky led the way out of the restaurant and the banter continued until Hutch dropped him off.
Sometime later, Hutch had no difficulty proving to Melanie that his hiccups had nothing to do with how he felt about her and she enjoyed the uninterrupted effort his body made to show her.
"Let's have a quiet night in.", Hutch whispered around a kiss. Melanie let the red, red wine and Hutch make her feel just fine!
But over on Ridgeway Avenue, Starsky had his own date with destiny.
Although unlike Hutch, he did not enjoy the attention.
Starsky had :
HICCUPS!!
FYI: MINNIE'S CURE REALLY WORKS! TRY IT!