Title: Of frogs and Xing cuisine
Fandom: FMA, mix of manga and anime.
Pairings: hints at Kimbley/Archer, Old Greed/Ling, Martel/Greed, Martel/Dorochet, Martel/Roa
Rating: pg-13, maybe higher, for very bad jokes
Summary: Ling accepts to take Greed, Kimbley and the three chimeras to a typical restaurant. He really should have known better.
Warnings&AN: Crack. Utter, shameless crack, mixing manga and anime-verse. Very, VERY bad jokes, OOC-ness. Yes, I know this Greed and Ling never actually met. Yes, Kimbley is back in the military and together with Archer but he's still in good (or as good as they may be given who are we talking about) relations with Greed and the chimeras. The "frog-soup" scene really happened, with almost the same exact words, to me and some friends of mine one of the latest time we went to a chinese restaurant. Names of dishes are translated from italian to english, I hope they make sense. Sunset-flavoured taro is something I've really seen on a chinese restaurant menu but sadly never tasted.
FMA cast not mine but Hiromu Arakawa's, who surely wasn't thinking about this kind of things when she made Martel a snake-chimera. My bad.
OF FROGS AND XING CUISINE
"One-hundred years eggs? What are they?"
"I don't know, Dorochet… eggs, probably."
"One-hundred years old? They must be joking!"
sighs "Dorochet-san, that's just a way to call the recipe. They are not really hundred years-old."
"Are you sure?"
"He's the one coming from the country this restaurant cuisine is all about… I think he knows what they cook. Although, I guess they probably have a bunch of rotten eggs they keep to give to the annoying patrons."
"Martel-san!"
"Do they? Really?" The dog-chimera eyed the kitchen door suspiciously. "I'm not taking the eggs."
"Dorochet-san, that's not… oh, whatever." Ling gave up his attempt to be reasonable and reminded himself they promised to treat him lunch, if he accepted to take them in some new, interesting place. Greed's gang, and the homunculus in the first place, got too much freetime for they own good.
"I want some meat…" Dorochet went back flipping the menu's pages.
"They have any kind of meat you wish… chicken, pork, beef…you can order even fried frogs, if you feel like."
"They have frogs?" Martel looked suddenly interested. Dorochet made a "eww" face.
"How can you eat something like that?"
"You should try.They taste like chicken, really. And I bet they are better that dog-crunchies…"
"FOR THE LAST TIME, I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE DOG-FOOD, DAMMIT!"
"The labrador on the box not hinting, right?"
"MARTEL, YOU…!"
Ling caught the disapproving glance of the table behind's patrons, a stiff couple with two children who were looking at the bickering chimeras with great interest, and quickly signaled them to lower their voices. The dog and the snake glared at each other and put their noses down again in the menu. The Xing prince sighed. How Greed managed to talk him into it… well, better not going into that. Luckily the other people at their table were considerably more quiet. Roa had glanced at the menu, apparently made up his mind immediately and now was looking at the complicated patterns of the wooden panels dividing the restaurant hall. Kimbley was looking around with a bored expression, chin resting on his hand, and was lazily playing with the chopsticks—with a little concern Ling wondered if he could make up explosives out of simple laqued wood. As for Greed…
"Have you made up your mind, sirs?" The young waitress smiled at them, holding a note and a pencil in her tiny hands.
"Yes!" Greed looked up from the menu he had been devouring with his eyes in the last ten minutes.
"I want Springtime roll-ups, shrimp sandwich, meat wan-ton, dragon clouds, shark soup, noodles soup, tau-fu soup, seafood noodles, fried noodles, soia noodles, canton rice, rice with shrimps, rice with vegetables and meat, laqued duck, Kung Pow pork, fried chicken, almond chicken, bittersweet sauced duck, ananas chicken, roasted tau-fu, spiced beef, Pechino beef, pork with mushrooms, five-colours shrimps, Imperial beef, seawood with bamboo, fried frogs, orange duck,…"
The three chimeras, alchemist and Xing prince stared as the sin happily listed up basically every dish on the menu, till he arrived to things which, given the waitress's expression, she didn't even remembered they had on the list (like the sunset-flavoured taro).
"…and one-hundred years eggs. Very well, now make it three of everything I said. Can we ask for desserts later, honey?"
"…yes, of course…" She backed to the kitchen, a little unsteady on her legs. Greed grinned. "I like this place, you made a good choice, Ling."
"Uhm… Greed? Do you realize we have to actually eat all that stuff" and pay for it, he mentally added, "and not just have them?"
"What's the problem? If there's something left, we can ask them to make a bag for the dog." Dorochet groaned. That joke had become old after the first two times the boss made it… and the fact that Martel still laughed when she heard it didn't help.
"Beside," Greed added, leaning back on his seat with a satisfied face, "It's not like we're paying for all it ourselves."
"What do you mean?" Ling felt concern raising up at light-speed. Surely they didn't mean to run away leaving an unpayed bill, completely destroying his already damaged reputation in a place in which he was a regular customer, did they…? He always paid his bill… or at least left people who paid them for him…
"Don't worry, darling." Greed put his arm on Ling's shoulders, giving him a brief squeeze, then he glanced at Kimbley, who snorted and produced a little plastic card with the symbol of military from his pocket.
"Everybody say thank you to dear Lt. Col. Frank Archer for his great, if a little unconscious, generosity."
"Yeah," the Crimson alchemist glared at the homunculus. "You are not the one who'll have to explain him why his bank account is going red."
"Oh, come on, we all know how good you are at distracting him from this trivial matters, especially during office-period." The alchemist's glare became positively murderous, and Ling prayed it had not been a spark that thing he just saw near his chopsticks.
In the moment of silence everybody could hear the muffled "Those perverts, you can't even eat in peace…" from the table behind, followed by a "I know, but mind the children, dear". Kimbley's glare of murder immediately changed aim. He started to turn on his seat but Greed stopped him, pointing at the group of waiters bringing plates. "Cool down, our orders are already coming."
For the next fifteen minutes any conversation was drown in the sound of clattering jawbones. Ling was aware of the look the other customers were giving them, but since he was busy emptying bowls at twice the speed of his companions (his chopsticks skill obviously way better than theirs), he soon stopped paying attention. Dorochet and Martel were giving him a hard time, though, the snake chimera shamelessly taking advantage of her elongating arms to steal things from other people plates, while the swordman had reached the conclusion that chopstick's use was to help him pouring the plates's content directly into his mouth. Greed and Kimbley seemed more interested in the beer and sakè bottles come with the food, while Roa, after some failed attempts, discretely asked the waitress to bring him a fork, and then proceeded to destroy evidence of any kind of edible things around his side of the table.
Of course, things just couldn't go such smoothly.
"What are these…?" Dorochet asked, disgust evident in his voice. With a swift wrist's motion Ling blocked Martel's chopstick's strike to his chicken and turned his attention to the plate in front of the dog. It was filled with a brown soup. Here and there little things emerged from its surface
"I think they're the frogs." He said after dued consideration. "Look, that seems a frog-leg."
"…what?" Dorochet's face was horrified.
"They don't seem very fried to me." Kimbley pointed out.
"Maybe they got the wrong order and brought us frog-soup or something. Hey, that must be a back… you can see the spine!" Greed poked at it with his chopstick, looking interested.
"Just… take this thing out of my sight! The smell is also terrible, I can't stand it!"
"I thought dogs could eat anything… after you ate that centipedes, last week…"
"I DIDN'T DO IT INTENTIONALLY! IT PLUNGED INTO MY MOUTH WHILE I WAS SLEEPING OK?! STOP MAKING A FUSS ABOUT IT, I'VE SEEN YOU EAT THE WORM IN THE TEQUILA BOTTLE, IF THAT MATTERS!"
"…"
"Can I eat tekeelah-worms too, mum?" The clear voice of one of the kids at the next table resonated in the silence that followed the chimera's outburst.
"…no, you can't."
"Aww…" the little girl grumbled. "You never let me do anything!"
"…and you're supposed to do that anyway," commented Greed, in a matter-of-factly tone. Dorochet was blushing profusely. He pushed the plate towards Martel. "They were yours anyway…"
The woman looked at it with a disappointed face.
"What's the problem, darling?" Greed poured himself another glass of sakè.
"It's just… I thought they were…"
"Were what?"
"You know… the whole frog. Not chopped."
Silence, again. Martel looked up to see five pairs of eyes staring at her with a range of expressions going from utter horror to sheer amusement.
"What's the matter?" She backed defensively. "You know how hard it is when part of you just craves for some kind of food human don't usually have? And for once I find I place where they actually cook it… you can't blame a lady for having hopes!"
"…Just to know…" Kimbley looked like he was having really a hard time containing is need to burst out laughing aloud. "Were you going to swallow the whole frog?"
She tilted up his chin defiantly. "As at least THREE PEOPLE AT THIS TABLE KNOW" she declared, her voice raised high, "I can disjoint my jawbone." Martel glared at the alchemist. "Not like you'll ever have the chance to try it"
"Never I'd wish to." Kimbley pointed out.
"…oh my… the indecence..." The woman at the next table was looking at them mouth open, her fork hanging mid-air. Then she caught her husband's expression. "And you stop looking at her like that!" she exclaimed. The man quickly turned to look in front of him, guiltily, choking on his wine. The woman stood up. "This place has definitely lost class." She declared to the benefit of the whole hall, then she paced in outrage towards the toilet, ignoring the vague attempt to ask what was wrong from the mortified waitress. The kids looked at her with interest. And so did Kimbley.
Martel went back eating her frogs. Roa and Dorochet were now the same colour of the roasted shrimps in their plates, while Greed just couldn't stop chuckling. At least untill his eyes met Ling's. He coughed a little.
"You know we're talking of a while ago, right?" he said, trying to put some of his (non-existant) composure back.
Ling just kept on glaring, while sucking up at a steady rhythm an apparently never-ending bunch of noodles from his bowl, helping himslef with the chopsticks. Then he snorted and looked away. Greed just shrugged and turned his attention back to his plate. In that moment he realized the seat next to his was now empty.
"Where did Kimbley go?"
"He said something about the toilet…" Roa mumbled, still busy convincing blood to leave his face and go back to his usual body-distribution. Then he realized what that implied. The psycho. Alone. Around the place.
Homunculus and chimeras's eyes met (Ling was still too busy with his noodles and being offended), concern slowly spreading around the table.
"Don't panick." Greed said, doing his best to look confident. "I know he promised Archer not to cause commotions or civil casualties when not on military duty."
"And where exactly do you think he draws the line between a 'commotion' and a 'little accident', boss?" Dorochet pointed out.
"Well…"
The four shot up to their feet. In the same moment, a boom, followed by a high-pitched shriek and a sort of heavy splash, resonated around the place. Everybody in the restaurant turned to look at the toilet door, and some waiters and the rest of the next table's family ran towards it, while people at Greed's table quickly sat back doing their best at looking not-involved at all. Suddenly Kimbley appeared behind them and very calmly sat at his place. He noticed the looks coming at him from three sides of the table, and shrugged non-commitally.
"They have some problems with the conductures, it seems." He sighed, looking really annoyed. "Not even remotely satisfying… I wonder if they have a car…"
"We're not going to find out." Greed said firmly, and the others nodded. People were hurrying around the toilet, they could hear the outraged screams, mingled with the vague attempts to calm the gone-hysterical woman, and the laughing of the children, who clearly never had so much fun in their whole life.
The waitress came to their table too, to ask forgivance for the troubles, and they all quickly reassured her there was no problem at all, with the most eased innocent faces. She was relieved, and they even took the chance to order dessert. As he was eating his fried ice-cream, Ling repeated himself for the upteenth time of the evening that he would never bring those guys around with him again. Then he caught Greed's smug grin, directed at him, and found himself smiling back in spite of himself. Well, no chance to be bored here, wasn't there?
FIN
starts dodging rotte tomatoes and sporks
Anyway, this was fun to write XD