Coming to Terms
Shepard rubbed his hands over his face and took a deep breath as the door slid closed behind him. The hollow dull ache inside him that usually followed in the aftermath of a major combat mission like Noveria was, this time, counterpointed by a much sharper piercing ache that was buried underneath the dullness.
Shepard looked up as he heard Dr Chakwas enter the Medibay. "Oh hello Commander, if I knew you were here I would have come down sooner, is there anything I can help you with?"
Shepard shook his head. "No, no thank you Doctor, I was just leaving."
Dr Chakwas looked past Shepard towards the laboratory at the back of the Medibay from which Shepard has just come out of. "I have just heard from Tali about what happened on Noveria," she said, indicating the closed door with a nod of her head, "how is she?"
"I don't know," Shepard shrugged hopelessly, "she just helped me kill her own mother on Noveria and then when I tried to talk to her about it all she does is deny that it wasn't her mother and then asks to be left alone."
"She has a lot of deal with just now so perhaps that is for the best Commander."
"She is hurting Doc, I can tell that much, but I feel so helpless. It feels like that every time she looks at me all I can see is the blame in her eyes."
"The way Tali described it, there wasn't anything you could have done Shepard. Tali said that the only way out at that point was..."
"Was to gun down her own mother right in front of her?" interrupted Shepard sharply.
Chakwas stepped up to Shepard and slapped him across the cheek. "Stop this, right now! We all know what Benezia was and what she doing and the Commander Shepard that I know would never have killed her if there was any other way. There wasn't, she is dead and the universe is a little safer because of it. So pull your self together Commander!"
Shepard rubbed his cheek, stunned by Dr Chakwas' out burst.
"Liara needs your strength right now Commander, we all do. But what we do not need is you wallowing in self inflicted and pointless pity."
"And that is your medical opinion is it Doctor?" Shepard snapped back.
Doctor Chakwas softened her tone before speaking again, "you know I am right Commander. When all this is over we can sit down and wallow in what ever we want, I have a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy put away that would be perfect for just such an occasion, but right now that is a luxury we cannot afford. We have a rouge Spectre to hunt down and if we are to have any hope of succeeding the crew needs their Commander to be 100% fit for the job. So yes, that is my medical opinion."
Shepard took a deep breath and let it out slowly before replying, "sorry Doctor, you're right of course. I just can't bear to see her in pain like this. She must hate me."
Dr Chakwas reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder and sighed, "Noveria has left us all a little unsettled Commander, I have been skimming through your report and what Benezia was trying to do there scares the hell out of me. But Liara is a tough smart woman, I have spent long enough down here with her to know that and she won't blame you for what happened Commander. Just give her the time she needs."
"Commander? There is a messaging coming in." interrupted Joker over the ship wide comms.
"I'll take it up at the Map Joker, I'm on my way." Shepard looked back at Dr Chakwas before leaving. "Thank you Doctor."
As the door to the Medibay closed Dr Chakwas sighed again and sat down in her chair. She closed her eyes for a moment, opening them again when she heard the door to the Lab open, seeing Liara standing there looking at her.
"I am sorry Doctor Chakwas, I didn't mean to intrude."
"That's ok Liara, I was just taking a break before getting back to my reports."
Silent expectation hung between them, broken occasionally by the soft beeping of one of the Doctor's medical scanners in the corner, until Liara took a depth and spoke softly, "Doctor?"
"Yes Liara?"
"I did not mean to over hear, but I heard you talking to the Commander. Is... is he okay?"
Doctor Chakwas suddenly found herself with a craving for that bottle of brandy she had stored in her locker, I'm going to regret not drinking it she thought to herself as she sat up straighter. "He will be Liara, he is just hurting after Noveria."
Liara shook her head. "I did not want to send him away, not really, but every time I looked at him I saw... I saw...," realisation dawned on her face suddenly, "Oh Goddess! He thinks I blame him for what happened doesn't he?"
Goddess indeed, thought Doctor Chakwas. "I am afraid he does Liara, but he also blames himself and for him I think that knowledge is hurting him as much as any wound he has taken during battle."
Liara shook her head, "But she wasn't my mother, not in the end. She tried to kill us. I mourn the loss of my mother and who she became, but not the person we killed on Noveria."
"I'm not sure the Commander is as clear in that distinction as you Liara, but he will come around. He is as strong as you are and whether or not he admits it he just needs some time to himself."
Liara spoke softly, "thank you Doctor Chakwas. Yes, I am sure you are right. If you will excuse me I think I need to go and clear my head." She walked passed with her head head down and left the Medibay, her whole demeanor betraying the lack of belief in her own words.
Doctor Chakwas ran her fingers thru her hair and sighed for the third time. "Post traumatic stress I can deal with," she muttered. "But this? This goes far beyond my abilities to cure. May your Goddess give you strength Liara and Shepard too for that matter, heaven knows you both need all the strength you can get. Oh great, and now I am taking to myself." And with a shake of her head she reached out for the datapad and began reviewing her notes.
...
According to the on board ship chronometer it was very late by the time they had gotten back from Noveria and the cargo hold was mercifully empty as Liara stepped out of the lift and into the cool darkness. Most of the crew were either asleep or upstairs in the mess and that suited Liara well, she needed to be alone. She looked around the hold wondering why she had come down here and found herself walking over to where the crew stowed the personal belongings that they didn't immediately have need for whilst onboard. After a little searching she found her own small battered case and sat herself down on the floor and opened it up, craving for the familiarity of her belongings.
Reaching down she picked up a shirt that her mother had given her before she had left to go "chasing dirty ruins", as her mother put it, "Oh Mother..." she whispered softly.
...
Shepard turned off the comm. "Were you listening to that Joker?"
"All systems green and ready to go Commander," replied Joker in way of acknowledgement, "that is if you are actually planning on going. It's not like we have anything better to do, you know like saving the galaxy or anything, and the Admiral did see rather insistent."
"Yeah I got that feeling too," muttered the Commander as he bought up the location Admiral Hackett mentioned on the galactic map. "Keying the location in now Joker."
"Got it. Departure in 15 minutes and we will hit the Relay in about 45. Oh and Commander? If you are planning on doing a Mako drop on this one you might want to check out its starboard wheels, the diagnostics report showed them to be a bit beat up from the last trip."
"Yeah, getting up close and personal with a Colossus can do that apparently. I'll go and check it out." Shepard turned and headed down the stairs towards the lift.
...
As the lift slowed to a halt Shepard stifled a yawn, damn its late, he thought and he was about to step out of the lift when he suddenly noticed how dark and silent it was in the cargo bay, only a few small lights providing barely adequate illumination. It was usually well lit and even at this time of night there should have been someone around, Ashley seemed to never stop cleaning those damn rifles of hers down here and Garrus was always poking around with the Mako. I swear one day I'll come down here and find he has lowered the suspension and put a sound system in, mused Shepard as he tried to remember where the light switches were. Left he decided and he stepped out of the lift heading left when he heard a small noise intrude on the silence. Breathing, in a dark silent open space, hidden breathing, he thought as his heart rate doubled. As he crouched and reached up to palm the light control he silently cursed the fact he was in his officers uniform, his unarmed officers uniform.
Light flooded the cargo bay and then he saw her. She was sitting in the corner near the crew's personal belongings with a small case open in front of her. She looked up, blinking and was startled to see her commander looking vaguely ridiculous crouching in front of the lift. Wiping away her tears as she stood she said, "can I help you Commander?"
Shepard stood, feeling rather foolish. "No it's fine I was just coming down to check up on the Mako, I didn't mean to disturb you, I'll go."
"No it is okay, you have work to do, I will leave Commander," Liara replied.
"Please, it's ok, I can do it later. You asked for time alone, I'll leave you to it."
"Commander, my feelings must not get in the way of a mission, you need to prepare, I will depart."
"Damn it Liara, just stay ok. And that is an order." snapped Shepard as he turned to go back into the lift, getting so far as to get one leg over the threshold before he heard her crying.
Shepard turned back, oh way to go you idiot, just give her one more reason to hate you, he thought. "Liara, I'm sorry, I didn't mean too..."
Liara ran to him and threw her arms around him, her pale blue head burying itself against his chest, tears flowing freely as she lent against him.
Caught unawares Shepard froze for a moment before he gently wrapped his arms around Liara's shoulders. "Hey, it's okay, I didn't mean to get angry." Liara shook her head against his chest and sobbed harder in reply. As Shepard held her he felt the raw sharpness of his memories of Noveria flooding up inside him again. "Oh Liara I am so so sorry." he said quietly.
Liara sniffed and stepped back from him. "You should never apologise for doing what you believe is right Commander," she said as she wiped her eyes with her fingers. "My mother taught me that," she whispered.
"But Liara, I..." said Shepard.
"Please Commander, I have lost my mother and I will, given time, come to terms with that but you did not kill her. The person you killed stopped being my mother a long time ago, Saren saw to that. He killed my mother and I mean to make him regret that crime a thousand times over before we are finished."
Shepard felt like the weight of a world had been lifted of his shoulders, "When I thought that you blamed me for..."
"Hush Shepard, lets not talk about it further, it is over, no blame, no regret."
"Where does that leave us Liara?"
"Right where we were before Noveria."
"Which was where?"
Liara took both of his hands into hers, "I believe Commander that we were attempting to figure out that very question."
Shepard smiled and stepped closer to her just as the lift, which neither of them had noticed had earlier ascended and then returned, opened with Ashely and Garrus stepping out.
"Commander, Liara." Garrus said in greeting, "Joker said you might be down here."
"Commander." Ashely said tersely, throwing daggers at Liara.
"Is something the matter Sergeant?" Shepard asked brusquely as he stepped back from Liara.
"No, nothing at all and if you will both excuse me I need to go and fill in some paperwork." And with that she walked back into the lift, slamming the control panel with her hand and turning to face the back wall as the door closed.
Liara's cheeks turned a darker shade of blue and she quickly turned away from Shepard to walk back to the corner of the cargo bay to repack and close her small suitcase, stowing it away with the other cases before returning and pressing the control to summon the lift. "I should go too, I'm sure you have things to do. Goodbye Commander." And before Shepard could reply she stepped into the lift and triggered the door to close.
As the lift rose Garrus stepped over to Shepard. "You know, it's probably not my place to say anything Shepard, but..."
"Never stopped you before has it?" replied Shepard, smiling wryly, rubbing the back of his head.
Garrus smiled and shook his head. "No, I never did learn my place as a polite Turian. But as I was saying, it might not be my place to say anything but unless you want those two to end up at each others throats like a couple of varren in heat I'd suggest you go and talk to Ashley and sort out things between you."
"Ashley?"
"'In any battle remove the biggest threat first', isn't that what you are always telling us? And in terms of the biggest threat to your health and well being, well..."
Shepard grunted, "I'd rather face a Thresher Maw on foot that have a talk like that with Ashley."
Garrus laughed and smacked his commander on the shoulder "Ha! True. At least against a Threasher Maw you have a slim chance of surviving. Can I have your rifle if you don't make it back?"
"I should have left you on the Citadel", muttered Shepard as he walked across to the Mako shaking his head.