The Last Thing
by
Princess McPhee
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon. UPN. Not me. Don't claim to own. (I)
Author's Note: Since Buffy told Spike about being in heaven, I haven't been able to get this out of my head. I don't know if it's any good, I don't know if it was worth my time in the slightest bit, but I needed to write it. So, enjoy.
Rating: G
Summary: Buffy POV, from her time in heaven.
It's been time.
I don't know how long.
I don't even really care. But I know time has passed. Weeks, maybe months, but there's no distinction here. No calendars, no 'to-do' lists that never really get used because in reality, there really is no time in between slaying and taking care of Dawn and doing more slaying, no rushing from place to place.
It's all over.
I'm done, and I'm happy, and I'm rushing through the not-quite-air, and I'm hovering, but I don't have a body, and I'm euphoric, but I'm calm, and everything here is just an extension of the general happiness of the place. And I can tell it's filled with good people, even through we don't speak, because we just know each other by instinct, or whatever passes for that here.
And there's no more bustling, chaotic world with Slayer after Slayer after Slayer, and wondering what new test the Watcher's council is going to dream up when I turn twenty-one, and wondering whether they'll actually kill me when I get too old, in order to call a new Slayer, and wondering if I'll die tomorrow and leave Dawn without a family. It's all over with.
I do miss Dawn. But I can watch her, from here.
I don't know how, I can't see her. It's not like a television screen or anything. But I'm connected to her, and I know when she's okay, and when she's safe, and when she's in danger. But it never worries me anymore.
Because I know that when her mortal existence ends, her soul will come here, and because of that, she's always safe. She can't be in danger if this is the only place that awaits her when he dies. And I know it is, because she's a good person, with a clean soul and fierce strength of will.
I can feel the others, too. Willow and Tara, Xander and Anya. Giles is all alone right now, no matter how many people surround him in that dimension, he's always alone. But I know he'll make it, and when his time is over, he'll come here, too. So I can't be sad about that.
Willow and Tara are picking up the pieces. They're making a life for each other, taking care of Dawn and keeping up the 'bot, and playing magicians to the group. Xander and Anya seem to be leaning on each other, getting support. But even when they're sad, despairing so deeply, it doesn't hurt like it used to, to see them that way. Because as hard as life is, what's afterwards is worth every moment of it.
Perception is odd up here. I can't really see, but I'm surrounded by golden light. I can't really hear, but my bubble of existence is filled with gentle sounds. I can't really touch, but I'm floating on a cloud, and I can't really smell, but wonderful fragrances dance through my senses. Feelings surround me, but nothing is negative.
After all this time in this wonderfully benign way of existence, it's hard to remember how awful things sometimes felt. It's hard to remember why I ever cried, why I cared when I lost Angel, or Riley, or even Mom.
Speaking of Mom, she's here with me, I can feel it. I can't really talk to her, but I know, I just do. She's a little sad, that my time on earth was over so quickly, but I know she's glad for me to be here, experiencing all of the things that I am.
The only thing that is left for me to be sad about, it Angel. Funny, that it's still him, isn't it? It's always been him. He's been the only thing in the world that I never turned my back to eventually. The only thing that drove my that crazy, that I never finally said 'no' to. And now, here in what I think must be heaven, he's the only thing that I can still feel uncertain and jittery about.
I don't know where his soul will go. But I do know that last time Angel's body ended up in hell, so did his soul. But does that mean that his soul will go to hell, or when his body dies a natural death and those parts of him separate, will they go different ways? Or will his soul, pure and clean as it is, stay tied to closely to his treacherous demon-self to escape the pull of the underworld.
And that is why Angel is the last thing that I worry about.
I can't decide if that means that I'm still in love with him, or that I'm horribly messed up.
I can't decide if it drives me crazy or makes my non-corporeal body fill with the sweet warmth of love.
I think it's for all of those reasons.
I think it does all of those things.
Damn those little last things.
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