~a/n: this takes place somewhere in the middle of The Ersatz Elevator.
Mildly romantic-stop use and contact and physician if condition does not
approve or worsens.
K n e e D e e p i n a S i c k L o v e
Esme Squalor slunk slowly out of the door of the massive penthouse and tiptoed through the hallway, but stopped short. Behind her she sensed the faintest shuffle and a slight thunk.
She felt in her fashionable pinstripe clutch purse for the tiny gun she kept with her. "Who's there?" she asked.
The figure behind her snorted. "Like you have to ask," a familiar and slightly raspy voice hissed indignantly behind her.
"OLAF! YOU'RE ALREADY HERE!!!" she squealed, swiveling and throwing her arms around his neck. "I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow," she added, kissing him.
"Well, I thought I would surprise you. I did miss you, you know."
"And guess what? The Bauldilares came early too! So I've got them here already!" she giggled. "Do you have the Quagmires?"
He kicked the tuba case at his foot.
"Dear God, you made them both fit in there?" she marveled, eyeing the case.
He shrugged. "Hey, just don't feed them for a while. They'll fit anywhere."
She smiled up at him. "Oh, you are a bastard."
"And yet still you love me. Where's the logic in that, I ask you?" she kissed him again. "So where are we storing the brats?"
"Follow me to the faux elevator," she said with a sly smile. "I've got a nice little cage padlocked at the bottom all ready for those poor little orphans to move into."
After a long and tedious climb down the shaft, Olaf unlocked the case and pulled off the top. Twisted most uncomfortably where a tuba should have been were the Quagmires triplets. Normally one of them would not, and should not, have been able to fit in there, and yet somehow he had managed to force them both.
Esme opened the padlock of the cage and the metal hinges of the door squealed. Olaf snatched the two Quagmires out by the scruff of the neck and shoved them roughly through. The two triplets cowered together in the back corner of the cage and Isadora began to cry.
Esme laughed cruelly and crossed over to stand next to Olaf.
"Who are you?" Duncan asked, staring at his surroundings in disbelief.
Esme put her hands on her hips. "I am Esme Squalor, the city's sixth most important financial advisor. I am also Count Olaf's second in command-"
"-and the love of my life," he added, toying with her hair.
"Right then. As his second in command, I will guard you two and make sure you don't try to escape while he attends to other affairs. These affairs include kidnapping at least one Bauldilare, killing the remaining two, deciding which of you two to keep, acquiring a massive fortune in money and sapphires, and then killing the remaining two orphans. The final affair, living out a long and happy life with quite a large sum of money, I will of course participate in. but that part is none of your concern."
The two Quagmire triplets looked at each other in horror. Isadora began to cry harder, and Esme and Olaf cackled happily as they climbed the rope ladder they had set down.
"Get yourself comfortable, Quagmires," Olaf laughed, "because you may be here for quite a while."
After still more tedious climbing they were back and the surface. Esme checked her watch. "Oh, you'd better go before someone wakes up. That'd be hard to explain. You have your disguise ready, right?"
"Of course. Gunther will arrive around noon." He smiled at her and kissed her. "Farewell."
"Don't be late."
"I won't, I swear. I love you."
"I love you too."
Stealing another quick kiss, Olaf disappeared into the night. The next morning, the Bauldilares and Jerome noticed that Esme looked tired, yet much happier, but none of them devoted much thought to it.
K n e e D e e p i n a S i c k L o v e
Esme Squalor slunk slowly out of the door of the massive penthouse and tiptoed through the hallway, but stopped short. Behind her she sensed the faintest shuffle and a slight thunk.
She felt in her fashionable pinstripe clutch purse for the tiny gun she kept with her. "Who's there?" she asked.
The figure behind her snorted. "Like you have to ask," a familiar and slightly raspy voice hissed indignantly behind her.
"OLAF! YOU'RE ALREADY HERE!!!" she squealed, swiveling and throwing her arms around his neck. "I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow," she added, kissing him.
"Well, I thought I would surprise you. I did miss you, you know."
"And guess what? The Bauldilares came early too! So I've got them here already!" she giggled. "Do you have the Quagmires?"
He kicked the tuba case at his foot.
"Dear God, you made them both fit in there?" she marveled, eyeing the case.
He shrugged. "Hey, just don't feed them for a while. They'll fit anywhere."
She smiled up at him. "Oh, you are a bastard."
"And yet still you love me. Where's the logic in that, I ask you?" she kissed him again. "So where are we storing the brats?"
"Follow me to the faux elevator," she said with a sly smile. "I've got a nice little cage padlocked at the bottom all ready for those poor little orphans to move into."
After a long and tedious climb down the shaft, Olaf unlocked the case and pulled off the top. Twisted most uncomfortably where a tuba should have been were the Quagmires triplets. Normally one of them would not, and should not, have been able to fit in there, and yet somehow he had managed to force them both.
Esme opened the padlock of the cage and the metal hinges of the door squealed. Olaf snatched the two Quagmires out by the scruff of the neck and shoved them roughly through. The two triplets cowered together in the back corner of the cage and Isadora began to cry.
Esme laughed cruelly and crossed over to stand next to Olaf.
"Who are you?" Duncan asked, staring at his surroundings in disbelief.
Esme put her hands on her hips. "I am Esme Squalor, the city's sixth most important financial advisor. I am also Count Olaf's second in command-"
"-and the love of my life," he added, toying with her hair.
"Right then. As his second in command, I will guard you two and make sure you don't try to escape while he attends to other affairs. These affairs include kidnapping at least one Bauldilare, killing the remaining two, deciding which of you two to keep, acquiring a massive fortune in money and sapphires, and then killing the remaining two orphans. The final affair, living out a long and happy life with quite a large sum of money, I will of course participate in. but that part is none of your concern."
The two Quagmire triplets looked at each other in horror. Isadora began to cry harder, and Esme and Olaf cackled happily as they climbed the rope ladder they had set down.
"Get yourself comfortable, Quagmires," Olaf laughed, "because you may be here for quite a while."
After still more tedious climbing they were back and the surface. Esme checked her watch. "Oh, you'd better go before someone wakes up. That'd be hard to explain. You have your disguise ready, right?"
"Of course. Gunther will arrive around noon." He smiled at her and kissed her. "Farewell."
"Don't be late."
"I won't, I swear. I love you."
"I love you too."
Stealing another quick kiss, Olaf disappeared into the night. The next morning, the Bauldilares and Jerome noticed that Esme looked tired, yet much happier, but none of them devoted much thought to it.