Disclaimer: I do not own the Persona Series!

A/N: Hey guys! Just as a fair warning, this story has a lot of vulgarity and plain offensive material. I'm really not like this, but I thought it would be hilarious to see the main character of P3P be a complete prick. There's also a P3P Satire Girl Version, so if you're into this one, please check it out! My friend and I have joint ideas and influence on the different stories, and we thought it would be really funny to bring them to the Persona fan fiction world! So please enjoy and read and review, good or bad! :)

- J. Boven

Welcome to Iwatodai?

o1.

Tonight, there's a full moon. Why the fuck is it so big? Shouldn't there be a tsunami? I wish. Those goddamn Japanese people are getting on my nerves. Oh, shit. I'm in Japan.

As I listen to the train conductor, all I want to do is tell him to shut his fucking trap. I don't want to hear about any of his shit. Find a therapist. Finally, when I'm looking for a gun to blow my brains out, he stops the train. Thank God.

As I trudge through the sludge-filled streets, all I can see are coffins lining the road. Fucking Japanese people and their trends. And I thought New York had small apartments.

When I reach the dorm, I open the door to find a boy. "Welcome," he says in his breathy, thin voice. I shall call you Pussy Boy, I thought to myself. Yes, that suits him.

"You're late. I've been waiting a long time."

"Fuck you, okay? I had to walk here. What the fuck are you wearing? Did you just get out of prison or something? Back off, bitch."

"If you want to proceed, then please sign here. It's a contract," he said, fucking ignoring my previous comments. He handed me a blank sheet of paper.

"I'm not signing anything until I see a goddamn adult."

"There's no need to be scared." Who the hell is this?

"Um, of course there is. You sound like you're going to rape me," I blurted. A bit too sharp, I thought to myself. I decided to write something at the top of the page to appease him.

"...Very well. Time is something no one can escape-" he started.

"Shut the fuck up before I send you back to Neverland, you little bitch." The boy looked at me, shocked. "That's right, get the fuck out."

"It was nice meeting you," he looked at the sheet of paper that I signed, "...'Suck My Dick?'"

With that, I snickered, and he was off.

"Who's there?" a voice called out from the darkness.

"Richard Banger!" I called out, suppressing a giggle, "but my friends call me 'Dick.'"

"How can you be... but it's...! Don't tell me..."

"Do you know how to fucking speak in full sentences? What the fuck is wrong with you? Aren't you supposed to be in high school?" As my eyes adjust, I see a scantily-dressed young woman. "Hey, baby. How much?"

Her face changes to shock. "What? Who do you think I am?"

I reach my hand up to slap the dumbass when I realize that she's holding a gun.

"Wait!" another voice calls out from a distance. Finally, I thought, someone with some fucking sense. This dumb bitch was going to shoot me and rip my dick off.

The first girl gasped. "You sound like you're in a fucking porno. Shut your damn mouth."

"I didn't think you would arrive so late," said the next girl. Her red hair glistened in the light. Do you think we're fucking stupid? You got that shit from a bottle, bitch. Nobody has that hair except Ariel. She was pretty, though. Probably worth a couple hundred for a "full service" massage. The thought got me excited before I realized she was staring at me.

"The fuck you looking at? Do you think I can control the fucking subway?"

"...My name is Mitsuru Kirijo. I'm one of the students who live in this dorm."

"What the fuck is this? The Spice Girls Part 2? Where are all the adults, and why are you dressed like fucking prostitutes? It's after midnight and you can't even cover your asses with clothes. Yeah, that's right. I saw your thongs." I snapped. "And where is the fuck is this music coming from? It sounds like shit!"

"Who's he?" the uglier bitch asked.

"Who the fuck do you think it is, Tom Cruise? I'm the fucking transfer student!"

"He's the transfer student. It was a last minute decision to assign him here," Ariel said.

"I JUST FUCKING TOLD YOU THAT!"

"He'll eventually be moved to a room in the normal dorm," Ariel continued.

"Does that mean I'll never have to see you dumb bitches again? HALLELUJAH!"

"...Is it okay for him to be here?"

"Okay, fuck you, alright? I'm not going to rape you at night. I don't want to fucking repopulate the world with your dumbass children. You're enough."

"I guess we'll see," she finished.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean, you pussy bitch?"

"This is Yukari Takeba."

"I DON'T FUCKING CARE WHO THIS BITCH IS!"

"She'll be a junior this spring, just like you."

Yeah, right. They only fucking passed her through grade school to get rid of her.

"Hi, I'm Yukari."

"Are you retarded? Ariel here just said that! You really are fucking dull, aren't you? If you can manage to answer this question... isn't this a normal dorm?"

"Uhh..." Yukari stuttered. I fucking knew it. This bitch couldn't even answer the simplest of questions.

"It's a co-ed dorm," began Einstein over there. I didn't listen to the rest of what the bitch said. "It's getting late. You'll find your room on the second floor."

"Get to fucking bed, you bitches. Your brains can use all the goddamn help they can get."

"Your things should already be there. I suggest you tuck in for the night."

"I'm not a fucking child, you whore. What are you two doing out this late? Both of you getting ready to head out to your street corners?"

"Oh... I'll show you the way. Follow me." This brunette bitch was going to show me where she fucks strangers at night for cash. Why the fuck would I want to see her corner?

Instead of leading me outside, she brought me to my room. The sight of the halls almost made me puke. This place looked like shit. Who the fuck designed this, preschoolers? And where THE FUCK were all the adults?

"This is it." I almost forgot Yukari was there. Fuck. It had been such sweet silence without her voice. "Pretty easy to remember, huh? ...Since it's right at the end of the hall."

"No shit."

"So, any questions?" she asked, but I could tell she didn't want to talk to me. I didn't care.

"Does Pussy Boy live here?"

"What are you talking about? ...C'mon, it's not funny." This bitch is really not letting up with being a dumbass, I thought. She really is clueless.

"Um... can I ask you something?"

"Yes, your ass does look big in that skirt."

"On your way here from the station, was everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything was fine until I met you dumb bitches."

"Never mind."

"That's what I thought."

"It seems like you're alright," Yukari said. I could tell she wanted my dick.

"Are you fucking retarded? I've been calling you names since I arrived."

"Well, I'd better get going." Please, God, just get out of here. "Um..." Oh shit, I knew I wasn't out of the woods just yet. "I'm sure you still have other questions, but let's save them for later, okay?"

This bitch really was stupid. I was obviously not going to ask her any more questions (not that she was smart enough to answer them anyway), and now she was speaking first person plural.

"Good night," she said, and I could hear her hooker boots walking away.

I entered my room, and I nearly pissed my pants. The fucking jazz music was even louder. How the fuck could I sleep with this shit on? I looked for a window to jump out of, but when I tried to open it, I noticed it was locked. Of course. They've had too many fucking suicides already. I glanced at my computer. A fucking Windows 95 Dell? Is this a joke?

I decided that my only option was to sleep. Three hours, and all I could hear was the music blaring over the goddamn loudspeakers.

WHERE THE HELL IS THAT MUSIC COMING FROM?

I hope you all liked it! If you do, please check out P3P Satire Girl Version. Yet again, let me know how I'm doing, and I hope you all have an awesome day!