Title: One Promise Broken
Author: Noa
Characters/Pairing: Mostly Meredith-centric, but there's a bit of Meredith/Derek
Rating: PG-13, for the F word and mentions of sex.
Spoilers: Up to Great Expectations (03x13)
Summary: "You've never done this before." / " No, I've never done this before."
Disclaimer: All characters, events, settings and situations mentioned in this work are sole property of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, in constitutes fair use.
Notes: Thanks to the wonderful Kia for beta-ing and helping with this!
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Meredith Grey does not do relationships. She does one night stands, she even does one night stands that stretch up to a week of sex, but she doesn't do relationships.
-
It all started with Jimmy Hopkins. Meredith was almost 16 when a guy who was two years older decided she was worthy of his attention, and started to shamelessly flirt with her all through the day at school. And left a rose in her locker. And Meredith thinks, maybe she could like this guy – who knows, maybe she already does. Maybe even her mother would approve of him, as he seems to be sort of smart.
By the time she accepts his invitation to some seniors' party at Sarah Gilbert's parent-free house (and how cool her friends think she is, a sophomore at a seniors' party), Meredith thinks she might have a big crush on Jimmy. The kind of crush that has her daydreaming about him and the party during school, and has her scribbling down his name on her notebooks.
With a week left until the party, Jimmy decides they should go on a date-date. In the darkness of the movie theater, with their hands entwined on Meredith's thigh, she thinks she really likes him. And Meredith has never been that into guys and dating and all that, so she's a bit scared, and spends half the night telling Sadie every little detail about the date-date, and begs her for reassurance, which Sadie is happy to provide. That's what best friends are for, no?
It's party night, and Meredith spends an awfully long time in front of her closet, picking up an outfit. She has to impress, right? All those older friends of Jimmy, if she wants any kind of chance with him, she'd have to be impressing. Be different, probably a little more daring than the usual sophomore kid. An hour and a half later, she settles on a mini skirt and a tank top, and when stares at herself in the mirror, she thinks, well, this good. Somewhere inside her head, she thinks, Jimmy might think she's hot. That's enough for Meredith right now.
They drink (thank God for older brothers). They kiss. They dance. His hand travels slightly up her thigh and maybe under her skirt as they sway along to the music. "Let's go upstairs," Jimmy whispers in her ear, and she thinks, at this point she'd do just about anything he asks. He shuffles them into the first bedroom he finds, and before she knows it, his mouth and hands are all over her, and it sort of feels good.
She's never done this before, but she sure as hell won't let him know it. She won't be the little, inexperienced girl in Jimmy's eyes.
Years later Meredith will think, this wasn't love. This wasn't making love, he was just fucking her. It was quick, and it hurt, but then it was over and he didn't stick around. He climbed off her, got redressed, and might've muttered a "you were okay, babe," her way before leaving the room, leaving her stunned, and breathless and gaping after him.
It takes her half an hour to work out the strength and courage to get dressed and leave the room herself. Five minutes to spot Jimmy in the crowd of people, already flirting with someone new. Two minutes to run out of the house and break down in tears on the way home, or wherever it is that her feet were taking her.
She somehow finds herself in Sadie's house, seeking comfort. That night, they run down to the drugstore to get Meredith some pink hair color, and they vow together to never let a guy treat them like that again—to never fall in love.
--
Meredith keeps her hair pink up to the end of high school, and Sadie and her keep their promise to each other.
They go out, they often get drunk, they spend hours and nights with slightly inappropriate men, and they don't care. They don't care about anything at all.
She know she's breaking Harrison's heart when she just gets up and goes after their night together, but Meredith just doesn't care. She learned how to deal with it, and so will he.
--
College is one big haze. In the mornings she studies, has to keep her grades up if she wants to get to med school, and at nights she parties. It's easier to keep her promise in college because nobody seems to care about feelings and relationships around her—they are all looking for the same thing. A release, some good time, distraction from studying all day.
Her roommate gets used to the parade of men in and out of their room, or for many nights Meredith doesn't spend in their room. She's good that way. She might not be happy, and there might be some guys she considers having more than a one night stand with, but she shakes those thoughts away. Meredith can never let another guy treat her like that; can never get her heart broken again. Getting married and having a million babies is ordinary anyway, and she has to be extraordinary. She has to be a better surgeon than her mother, and one cannot get there with the distraction of boys and relationships.
--
Europe is a new experience. No longer rich American guys, but rather... everything. Every type, every color, every language.
Henry in England. Pierre and Andre in France. Thomas and Lars in Holland, and oh, there's Lieke as well, but after that night Meredith decides she's just not into girls. From there on she started to lose track, they all became nameless in her mind. Some of the nights, she didn't even bother asking what their name was. What difference did it make if they were gone by morning?
By the time Sadie and her go back home due to Ellis' illness, Meredith is just thankful she is STD-free, and thankful for the promise Sadie had her make. Life seems a hell lot easier when you're unattached, when no one can hurt you.
--
Cute Blue-Eyed Boy, later to be known as Dr. Derek Shepherd, new Head of Neurosurgery, was meant to be just another guy in the chain of nameless guys.
The last thing she needed on her internship year was a guy to mess with her head, but apparently fate had it otherwise. She should've known it was a bad idea to hit the bar just across the street from Seattle Grace, too small a chance of running into someone that wasn't working there.
The thing about Derek is that he's the opposite of any other guy in her life, starting at Jimmy and going on. He doesn't chase her until he gets sex—he gets sex, then he starts chasing her. And with all the inappropriateness of him being her boss' boss, she starts liking him against her will, and gives up eventually.
Sadie will be so mad. She broke the promise.
But Meredith thinks, maybe it's worth it because for the first time in over ten years, she's a little happy. It scares the hell out of her, but she's a little happy. Or a lot happier than she would've thought possible. He makes her smile with his charming arrogance, and he teaches with kindness, and even on their first night, he didn't just fuck her like Jimmy and all the others did. It wasn't love-making, which she thought was a silly thing anyway, but it was gentle. It was good. He cared enough, even in his slightly-drunken state, to make her come twice before he did himself.
She still kicked him out the next day. But he came back; he came back and wouldn't let her go until she agreed to date him, or something. Meredith doesn't know why she let it happen, but she did and it's actually good—until The Wife shows up, making her realize just how deep she let herself get into it, how stupid she was for possibly falling in love again.
He chooses her, of course he does. No one ever chooses Meredith for anything serious, and up until Derek it was okay. Until the idiot went all McDreamy on her and made her love him, she was okay with no feelings, no strings attached.
The second time around, she's even more freaked out about letting him in. She has no idea why she's doing it again, why she lets him in after hurting her, after making her the Dirty Mistress twice, but she does. She lets him in, as much as she can anyway, and he promises to always be there, always come back, even if he yells, even if she yells.
Meredith tries hard to believe him.