The Package, a kingdom hearts fanfic

The Package.

Warning: Sexual reference, perverseness, swearing, and SEVERE CRACKKKKKK! :D (Don't get addicted...Once you try CRACK, you NEVER go back!)

Disc: I don't own any Kingdom Hearts or Sonic characters, but just for the record, this conversation is allll mine (and Kisan Hikashi's). ;) And whoever created Charlie The Unicorn must be rich, because my friends make reference to it all the time, and Ebil Chameleon has a Charlie The Unicorn shirt! (Oh my!) XD

Kisan Hikashi (the author) is mine and Ebil's cosplay Sora.

I'm Axel and Ebil's Roxas. Which is retarded because Ebil's taller than me, but oh well!

Kisan's ridiculous naivety gave me the inspiration to write this! Yay!

AkuRoku, RiSora

"Oh! Oh, I rock on ice!" Sora squealed, pausing his game to pump a fist into the air, "I pwn Sonic Adventure 2: Battle!" He un-paused, maneuvering Doctor Eggman forward into the level. "Every time I shoot this controller makes a rumbly noise!" Roxas and Axel both sighed, shaking their heads which caused Sora's blue eyes to widen in disbelief, "What? Do you deny the rumbly-ness?!" Neither answered, and Roxas' eyes moved up to the TV screen. He watched as Sora shot down a bunch of robots before Eggman fell into a sand pit causing the game to restart, "Idiot fat-man in a robot suit!" Sora yelled, hitting his fist on the game cube controller.

"Whoa, there, Sora," Axel said with a laugh, "Don't break it."

"You sound like Goofy!" Sora mumbled. He then turned his full attention back to the game and after a few minutes of confused silence from Axel and Roxas, his face brightened, "I got a B…Charlieee!"

A vein twitched in Roxas' forehead, "That's all you've talked about for the last week, Sora! I don't want to hear anymore about Charlie The Unicorn!"

"But it's funny," Sora laughed, "Funnnny, Charlieee!"

"Be quiet!" Roxas said, poking his brother in the side, "No more Charlie!"

"Why not, Charlieee?"

"I'm going to take your controller if you don't shut up!"

"Noooo, Charlieee!" Sora squealed, jumping away from Roxas, controller in his grasp, "Nooo!"

Roxas was just about to grab the controller when Axel grabbed him, and pulled the blonde boy into his lap.

"Axel," Roxas whined, struggling in his boyfriend's grasp, "Let me uppp! I won't kill Sora, I promise! I need to go get clean."

"Aw, but Roxie," The redhead whined right back, "I'll be all cold without you!"

Roxas snorted, stopping his movement on Axel's lap, "You're unnaturally hot."

"Why," A bright grin broke out over the pyro's face, "Thank you!"

Riku, who had just walked into the room, rolled his eyes. "So, tell me they haven't been doing anything inappropriate while I was gone?"

Sora had put away the game cube and turned the TV off, and was now sitting innocently across from Axel.

"They were being cute!" Sora grinned.

Axel made a face, "Cute? I am not cute. As Roxie just said, I'm hot. Unnaturally."

Roxas just shook his head and used his boyfriend's distraction as a chance to wiggle away. Axel pouted as Roxas stood up and stretched. "Okay. I'm going to go bathe, I'll be back."

The blonde was almost out the door when Axel spoke, "…Can I watch?"

"What?" Roxas asked, spinning around, a blush coloring his cheeks. He looked back and forth from Axel to the two sitting on the couch and blushed harder, "No!"

"Aw, but Rox, you didn't mind the other day--"

"AXEL!"

"What?" Axel pouted, confused.

"Ah- would you just…! I'll be back. Stay here."

Axel watched as the blonde hurried out the door. He looked over at Sora and Riku. The silver-haired boy was sitting calmly next to his own boyfriend, smirk plastered on. Sora was chewing on his lip thoughtfully. He turned his head sideways and looked at Riku out of the corner of his eye before he sighed loudly and batted his eyelashes.

Riku sighed, "What do you want, So?"

The brunette smiled sheepishly as his blue eyes flickered over to gaze into Riku's green ones, "…I'm thirsty. I want an avocado smoothie!"

Axel snorted as Riku sighed. "Alright. Stay put."

"An avocado smoothie?" Axel asked with a frown once Riku was gone, "That's gross!"

Sora's eyes widened as his jaw dropped, "WHAT?! IS NOT!"

"Is so," Axel argued.

"Is not," Sora challenged again.

"It is so."

"Well. Well… At least I don't like to watch my boyfriend in the bathtub!"

"…Don't lie. You do. And why would I be ashamed of that? Roxas has a cute little butt!"

Sora made a fish face before responding, "I DO NOT LOOK AT RIKU!"

"…You don't look at Riku? Puh-lease. You're always blushing. You definitely watch Riku in the tub, and you definitely like staring at his package. Why else would your face always be so red?"

"…My face is not always red! And…why would he have a package in the bathtub with him?! It'd get all wet," Sora blinked sharply.

Axel just stared, his eyes wide… "You're kidding me right?"

"What? No."

"…His package," Axel tried again.

"…?"

Axel blinked before cracking up laughing. He continued to laugh until tears were pouring down his face and he had fallen half-way out of his chair. "Oh…Oh my God… I need to call…Roxas…!"

Yanking his cell phone out of his pocket, he dialed Roxas' cell phone number. Sora just watched bewilderedly on. Roxas picked up on the third ring, "What do you want? I'm still in the bathtub!"

"I know, I know," Axel laughed, his hand on his stomach, "Oh God it hurts!"

"What?" Roxas asked, slightly panicked, "What hurts?!"

"…So…Sora… doesn't know what a package is!"

"…"

"Ahahahaha."

"Like the non-FedEx kind?"

"Yes!" Axel squealed, repeating their conversation thus far.

"…" Roxas began to chuckle on the other end, "Tell him he totally wants to un-wrap Riku's package."

"Okay!" Axel grinned. As soon as the phone was hung up, his jade-eyes turned back to Sora. After studying the boy for a long minute, he smirked slyly at him, "Roxie says you wanna unwrap Riku's package."

"…" Sora frowned, "Why would I unwrap Riku's package!? I mean, it's his! That'd be mean. You can't just go around un-wrapping other people's packages!"

Axel blinked before crumpling onto the floor in laughter once again, "Oh..! Oh! That is just too good!"

It was at that moment that Riku entered the room, avocado smoothie in hand, "What's going on here?" He asked, watching Axel roll around on the floor.

"He's just being retarded," Sora supplied, thanking Riku for the drink.

"Me?! I'm not the retarded one!" Axel giggled, "Riku, I don't know how you get laid, but dude, I'm proud to be your friend."

Riku's eyebrows rose and he turned to look at Sora, "Uh…"

"I just didn't understand why you'd bring a package into the bathtub with you or why I'd unwrap it! Why would I unwrap your package? I mean… that's like stealing another person's birthday present!"

Axel rolled around some more, beating on his chest, his face screwed up in hilarity.

Riku just blinked helplessly. "Uh, So…"

"Hmm?" The boy asked, taking a confused sip of the avocado concoction.

"…Never mind. I'm going to go turn the pool filter on…" And then he practically ran out of the room.

"…"

Axel stood up, brushing himself off, "I am so glad I've got the smart brother."

"Hey! That's not nice!"

"Your face is red again, Sora," Axel grinned, "Thinking about Riku in the bathtub?"

"I only looked once!" Sora shrieked. His eyes glazed over as he realized what he said, "Oh! I didn't! I mean--"

"AHAHAHAHA," Axel was chortling with laughter again.

"Ah! Shut it, you! Name three times my face was red!"

"Then, now and tomorrow!"

"It wasn't red then, it's not red now and why would it be red tomorrow!?"

"Like hell it wasn't red when you were eyeing Riku's phallus, Like hell it's not red now, and it will be red when I bring this up tomorrow!"

"…What's a phallus?"

"It's the same thing as a package," Axel grinned, "All guys have packages. You know… Riku's special tool? His happy friend?"

"…Now he's bringing tools into the tub with him? They're gonna get rusty!"

Axel froze, an even wider grin spreading over his face, "Oh man. I think I just wet myself!"

"It's not funny! What if those tools have batteries!? Riku could get electrocuted!"

"Oh my God!" Axel just about had a seizure. He caught his breath and moved over, wrapping his arm around Sora's shoulders, "You know, you're a good friend. You keep me entertained."

"You're mean! Go away!" Sora whimpered, shoving Axel's arm away. "What's a phallus!? Why does Riku have one and why's he bringing tools into the bathtub with him!?"

At this point, Axel's face was a dark scarlet, product of laughing so much in so little time. Roxas, who still had his wet towel in hand, had stopped in the doorway. His eyes had widened at Sora's questions before he burst out laughing as well.

"Ahahahahah!"

"Stop it! For the love of God and all that is holy!"

"We-- we're not religious!" Roxas giggled out, leaning against the door frame for support, "Oh wow, Sora, you don't know what a phallus is?"

Sora cringed at the word, "No! But it's gotta be something bad!"

"…"

Axel and Roxas shared a look, "I don't know," Axel grinned, poking Sora in the side, "How was last night?"

The boys started laughing again as Sora looked on helplessly. "But…what? I don't get it!"

"A phallus!" Roxas said, trying desperately to swallow his laughter, "I'll give you a hint--"

"It's shaped like a banana!" Axel squealed.

The room went unnaturally silent as Sora contemplated the hint.

"…Lettuce?"

Axel and Roxas started cracking up again, "LETTUCE?" Roxas asked between laughs.

"What? I like lettuce! The word reminds me of lettuce!"

Axel was trying with all of his might to calm down, "I said it was shaped like a banana!"

"Lettuce can be…shaped like a …banana….!"

"No it can't!" Roxas laughed, "It grows in a round shape!"

"You just have to chop it up and glue it together! With edible glue of course, cause the regular kind is really gross and toxic. Selphie used to eat paste, I always thought it was really icky!"

Riku, who had appeared in the doorway, just shook his head, "Sora…"

"Riku!"

"…"

"Why do all guys have packages? Where do they keep them, anyway? And hey! what's a phallus?"

A delicate silver eyebrow rose, "Come here."

Smiling and happy, now that he was going to get an answer, he skipped over to his boyfriend. Riku closed his eyes and leaned forward, whispering in Sora's ear.

"A PENIS?!" The boy shrieked after a moment, causing Axel and Roxas to fall into another fit of laughter, "I HATE THAT WORD!"

"Oh my GOD," Axel rasped, holding onto Roxas for support, "HOW ARE YOU GAY!?"

"I'M NOT GAY!"

"…"

"Oh… wait. Yes, I am!"

…

"I was gonna say," Axel grinned once they had all calmed down, "What kind of straight guy orders an avocado smoothie?"

Cid walked in, avocado smoothie in hand, "Hey guys. …Axel…what's with yer face?"

This time it was Sora's turn to roll around on the floor laughing.

AHAHAHAHAHA.

This should brighten everyone's day, or at least have them laughing.

It had me laughing. :D

As a side note: Cid is supposed to be STRAIGHT. I always put Vincent with Yuffie, not with Cid, because I just don't see that guy being gay. Anywayyyy.

Review, por favor!