The words in bold is lines and dialogue from the show, the words in normal is all mine.
Episode 1
When Deacon finds out Rayna has woken up from her coma.
She was alive, she was alive. Rayna had woken up from her coma and was out of danger. Rayna was going to live. So he had prayed for this to happen, he had never been a religious man, but this perhaps showed there maybe was a God. Even one who listens to his sorry drunken ass. Finally he got some news about Rayna, they hadn´t said anything up till now how much he kept asking. When he didn´t hear anything he assumed the worst, that she was dead. That he finally had done what everyone feared, hurt Rayna. Wrong, worse than just hurt, that he actually killed her. He deserved any punishment they could give him, if he killed her he deserved to rot in this prison.
Before this wonderful news that Rayna was going to make it, when he thought he might have killed her. He took the blame for the accident, he wasn´t driving, but he was the cause of it. If he hadn´t been drinking, she hadn´t tried to take the bottle away from him and they hadn´t crashed. Hell, if he had just answered one of her calls, they wouldn´t be in that car arguing. Then they could have yelled at each other far away from any car and traffic, somewhere safe.
When Maddie had come to his house and told him that she thought he was her father, he didn´t believe her. That was absurd, why would she think that. Rayna would have told him. She wouldn´t have kept such a big thing from her. Then when he talked to Rayna and she confirmed it, he got sad, confused and angry. He got so heartbroken and furious that his brain had a meltdown.
He went directly from Rayna to a bar and ordered a whiskey. At first he just stared at it for a long time, then in one full sweep he threw away thirteen years of sobriety and drank the whiskey. Not only did that one devastating move ruined his sobriety, it also almost killed the love of his life. The mother of his daughter, the daughter he never knew he had but always wished he had.
How many times did he sometimes think and wished she was, dreamt that Maddie was his and Rayna´s. How much he wanted to have a child with Rayna. Now Maddie isn´t a little child anymore, but she was theirs. Their love had created that wonderful girl he had known all her life and loved. And now he almost killed her mother and would have left not only Maddie, but Daphne, sweet little Daphne motherless. And deprived the entire world hearing her beautiful voice, no more new music from Rayna Jaymes. Oh my God, he didn´t want to think about that, what a cruel world that would be. He dosen´t want to live if that happens.
Deacon has thought a lot during these weeks after the accident. Would it gone differently if Rayna herself told him? Probably not at the time, but somewhere down the road. What would he done if Rayna told him when Maddie was five years old or eight? Knowing himself, he most likely would have done the same. He didn´t know a goddamn thing about being a father and his sorry excuse bastard father wasn´t any role model. Taking the alcohol way, to suppress his feelings by drinking was the easy way.
He would like to think he would have stepped up if he known from the start, if Rayna told him before Maddie was born. That he would fight his addictions with everything he got for not only Rayna´s sake anymore, but for their unborn baby too. He was so angry that he had been lied to for so many years, by the woman he loved.
Now the anger was gone, the accident killed all the angry feelings he felt and all that was left was sadness. Sad that he was such a mess back then that Rayna didn´t even tell him. She must have some very specific reasons to not tell him, probably little help from Teddy. Sad that he didn´t remember the night they conceived Maddie. And the saddest thing of them all, that he probably lost Rayna again.
All these years he wished Rayna would divorce Teddy and come back to him, miraculous it did happen. They had been so happy, so looking forward to spend the rest of their lives together and he screwed it up again. Him choosing the bottle again instead of talking it out, let her explain why. God dammit, why didn´t he answer her calls. He so wished he did now. But nope, straight to the nearest bar and drinking again. Same old Deacon.
But never again, he knows now that he won´t ever drink another drop. He doesn´t know how many times he has said that in the past, but he knows that it´s the truth, this time it´s for real. He would never fall of the wagon again. Not only for Rayna´s sake, but for Maddie too. Rayna would probably never talk to him again or even let him come close to her or Maddie after this, but he would do whatever it takes to get Rayna´s trust again. He loves her, always had, always will. That is the truth, simple as that.
Thank God she didn´t die. Now he doesn´t have to live with the fact that he killed the woman he loves. He can go back to what he does best, wait for her. Somehow he just knows that this isn´t the end for them, they will love each other again, someday.
Rayna was going to live. Deacon exhaled and for the first time since the accident he smiled.
Episode 2
Deacon calls Rayna before they meet at the flowered crash site.
"Hey Ray. It´s me."
"What do you want Deacon?"
"Please don´t hang up. I want to talk to you. I know you probably don´t want anything to do with me, but I just want to talk to you, need to talk with you."
"That´s great, now you want to talk. When I needed to talk to you, you didn´t answer any of my calls."
"I know that. I´m so sorry Ray. You have no idea how much I wish I did, then all of this wouldn´t have happened. If I could go back and change I would, hell I would change a lot if I could go back in time. I need to explain."
"What´s there to explain? You found out you were a father and then you started drinking again and almost killed both of us. It´s pretty simple."
"You lied to me Ray, for thirteen years. You didn´t tell me that I had a daughter."
"I know it´s shocking big news and that I lied to you, I get that. I don´t deny that it would be too much for anyone to hear, but don´t you think that it was exactly this that I feared. You don´t know how many times I wanted to tell you, so many times. But I feared you wouldn´t take it well and start drinking again. So I kept telling me one more year for you to stay sober and get stronger and then you maybe would cope with the secret better, but as the years rolled on it got more complicated."
"Complicated, huh?"
"Yes. What about Maddie? How would I explain to her that her daddy isn´t her daddy, but her uncle Deacon is. It never seemed to be a good opportunity to tell her. Don´t think it was easy not to tell you, the lie was like a heavy stone on my conscience, weighted down on me. I cried myself to sleep many nights."
"I felt betrayed by you, I never thought you could do something like that to me."
"You have every right to be angry at me, but we talked for like five minutes then you just disappeared. You didn´t answer my calls or came to see me. I didn´t get hold of you and all my fears and worries came back and then the call I dreaded came. Coleman had found you drunk and you had trashed your house. Why Deacon? Why did you jump straight to alcohol, why couldn´t you talked to me more, yelled at me instead?"
"I don´t know why. I don´t have any good answers. I was so hurt, so furious I didn´t know what I was doing. I´m sorry. I´m so sorry Rayna. For the accident, for hurting you, for almost killing you. That´s one thing I wanted to talk with you. I need to ask you how you are? They wouldn´t give me any news about you in jail. They just said you woke up from your coma.."
"I´m fine. I will live."
"Did you get any injuries? Head, arms, legs or anything?"
"I will be fine. The bruises have healed. Look Deacon, I have things to do..."
"Can we meet?"
"Deacon."
"Please Rayna, I need to see you, need to see for myself that you are okay. I love you, I need to see you."
"I don´t think..."
"Please Rayna. Please come, let me see you."
"Ok, where are you?"
"I´m at the crash site."
Episode 3
Rayna and Bucky is talking in her living room.
"No, no, let´s figure this out. How are we gonna get me out of my Edgehill contract?"
"Well, it´s not gonna be easy. You still owe them a record. And you´d have to buy yourself out."
"What do you think it will cost? To buy out everything?"
"I don´t know. 10 to 15 millions, maybe even more. Jeff isn´t gonna make it cheaper for you."
"That´s a lot of money. I don´t know if I can get hold of that sum of money. Any suggestions?"
"I have one, but you are not gonna like it."
"What Bucky?" By reading his face she instant knew what he was going to say. "No! No, I´m not gonna ask Daddy."
"Asking your father is the easy and fast way to get those kind of money."
"And the hard way?"
"Well, I´m not any financial or economic expert, but I guess most of your assets are tied up and together with Teddy, so you need his consent and signature, maybe take a mortgage on the house would work."
"It´s a bit risky, don´t you think? Literally bet my house on my label. If it dosen´t work out I lose my house."
"Yes, it´s not ideal no. But I have faith in you, you will be an amazing label head Ray."
Episode 4
Rayna and Juliette is talking when Rayna is picking up Maddie after she ran away from the ball.
"I picked her up at a gas station. She walked a couple miles from Symphony Hall. Fell asleep about five minutes ago."
"She just walked?"
"Yes. She´s all right."
"I´ve been beside myself."
"I guess you really do need to be home with your family."
"Yeah. Well, I´m really sorry to drag you into all this."
"No, I told her that she could call me if she ever needed to talk. I think the person that she really wants to talk to is you though, about her father, Deacon."
Rayna looked at Juliette with a little panic in her eyes. "Don´t worry. My lips are sealed. Did he just find out?"
"Yes."
"That´s explains why he fell off the wagon then. At least it was a legit reason and not a normal lover quarrel between you two." Juliette noticed Rayna´s gaze. "I figured you guys were back together. I saw how you looked at each other at the CMA rehearsal and how he looked at you when he invited you up at the Bluebird and you sang together."
"He has been doing so good, been so strong all these years. I so wish he hadn´t gone back to his old ways."
"To some degree I understand him, the woman he loves kept this from him. I´m sure you had very good reasons why. I´m not gonna be nosy and ask what they are, but I know Maddie thinks the accident is her fault. She told me she snoop around and found a paper saying Teddy wasn´t her father and she was the one telling Deacon."
"It isn´t her fault."
"No, it isn´t and now she thinks Deacon is a bad person. I didn´t know him when he was drinking, but I have my own experience with alcoholics and drug addicts. The Deacon I know is a good and kind person and I think you wouldn´t stayed with him all those years if he was a horrible abusing violent drunk. I suggest you talk to Maddie about Deacon, how you met, what he meant for you. So she will not be afraid to be around him. Try to explain alcoholism for her. Deacon isn´t a bad person."
"No, he isn´t. He would never physically hurt anyone he loves. This has all been real hard on Maddie. None of this has been what I would have wanted or ... What I would have planned."
"I guess at some point it´s not about what you want anymore. You just gotta do what you gotta do."
"I am sorry about the tour."
"Me too. But as you said, I will figure something out. I always do."
...
Rayna and Maddie is talking about Deacon.
"I thought we could talk about Deacon for a moment. Try to explain why I did or rather Teddy and I didn´t tell Deacon, when I got pregnant with you. I suspected that it could be Deacon´s, but we did the paternity test after we got married. You know now that Deacon is a alcoholic. How much do you know about alcoholism Maddie?"
"People that drink too much. They can´t walk or talk straight, yelling loud and they hit people."
"That could be true in many cases, but some people just become very talkative. Everybody reacts differently when being influenced by alcohol. Alcoholics don´t just drink too much, they can´t stop drinking. It´s a disease. Most alcoholics need help to stop drinking, some more help than others. Deacon couldn´t stop on his own, he did try several times but always fell back after various amounts of time. Even with the help he didn´t make it until he did, but it took five times of rehab visits."
"Why did that time work and not the others?"
"That is one question I have asked myself many times. It could be the different rehab, or different doctors, or the the fact that I broke up with him. The other times I was always waiting when he got out. I have no idea why it helped that fifth time. But it was this way of life I couldn´t live anymore. I couldn´t let a baby grow up with the disappointment, him go missing, not coming home at nights, the blackouts and seeing his or hers daddy drunk most of the time. I loved Deacon, I loved him so much. When he asked me to marry him, I was so happy."
"Deacon asked you to marry him?"
"Yes, we spend the night together, but in the morning he had been drinking and he forgot he asked me. When I found out I was pregnant, I had already broken up with Deacon and had started dating Teddy. Deacon was back in rehab again. I wanted nothing else to be Deacon´s wife and raise you up together, but he couldn´t provide a stable, safe and loving home at that time. So we decided not to tell Deacon and me and Teddy got married. That was wrong of us, we should have told Deacon and at some point we should have told you. But it never seemed to be a good time to tell you that your father wasn´t your real father."
"What if telling Deacon he was going to be a father would have made him stop drinking?"
"Knowing now that the last rehab would work I would have waited for him and tell him. I would like to think he would have stopped if he had known. Because he loved you and Daphne from the start so he probably would fight his addictions with everything he got. We denied his right to be with you, he should have gotten to know you."
"But I have known Deacon all my life."
"Yes, that was my way of a compromise to my conscience. Deacon did get sober and stayed sober, so I hired him back in my band. I couldn´t tell him, but at least he could be around you and get to know you and you him. Even if both of you didn´t know the truth. I just wanted to protect you. I´m so sorry Maddie, for not telling either of you. If I could change everything, I would make it right."
"I know Mom. Were you ever scared of Deacon when he drank?"
"Yes, I was. Not of him, not that he would hit me or hurt. But that he might drive drunk and kill himself or others. Juliette said that you mention how Deacon could do this and if he was a dangerous man."
"Yes, if he loves you so much, how could he do this?"
"I was the one driving, I have a blame in this too. We were arguing in the car and I wasn´t paying enough attention on the road as I should have. Deacon isn´t a bad man, if he was I wouldn´t been with him all those years. He was my first real love, I met him when I was sixteen. We were friends before we become a couple. He was so handsome, so funny and had loads of charm. Deacon wrote A Life That´s Good on a napkin at the Bluebird Cafe. I was singing at an open mic night, and he came in and said he was inspired to write it just by looking at me. Think I fell in love with him in all of ten minutes."
"That´s a great song."
"It´s a great song. Honey, I ... I really do want us to be able to talk about all this stuff. And I know it´s hard. It´s a big change for both of us. But I´m your mama, and I´m here for you. And I really hope that you will ... Run toward me, not run away from me. Let´s not push each other away over this. We´re all we´ve got. I love you."
"I love you."
Episode 5
Rayna and Deacon is talking at her house about her voice.
"Hey."
"I´m sorry. I let myself in. The girls here? I can leave."
"No, they´re not here. What´s going on?"
"Why didn´t you tell me?"
"Tell you what?
"That you can´t sing."
"Who´d you hear that from?"
"Well, it is true?"
"I´m working with a vocal therapist. It´s taking some time."
"Yeah, but can you sing?
"Well, we´re working on it."
"Can you sing, Rayna?"
""I said we´re working on it."
"Can you sing?"
"I don´t know! I don´t know! I don´t know!" Rayna shouted as Deacon raised his voice and repeated "Can you sing?" at the same time.
"I´m not quite sure what´s gonna come out of my mouth when I open it. My vocal cords got damaged by the intubation tube. My throat feels tight, my vocal therapist says it´s still healing, but my voice doesn´t sound normal to me. Everything´s different now."
"Yeah."
"I don´t know how I will finish my album now. If I want my label, Jeff demands I finish my album first. I think I have to buy myself out of Edgehill, but I don´t know exactly how I will raise the money."
"You are gonna leave Edgehill? You have been there a long time, you practically built that company."
"Well, Jeff Fordham is forcing me out, his vision for the company don´t consist with mine. I don´t fit in anymore. How´s your hand?"
"I´m done. I can´t hold a chord for even one second before it´s hurting, a sharp pain starting in my hand shooting up through my entire arm. Not gonna be anybody´s guitarist anytime soon."
"You don´t need to be anybody´s guitar player. You might need to take a minute, figure out who you are without a guitar in your hand."
"Doing what Rayna? Playing guitar is the only one thing I´m good at. And I can´t play with one hand."
"That´s not true Deacon. You are good at many things. You can still write music."
"And do what with it if I can´t play it?"
"You can help Scarlett, you can sell your songs to other artists. You could go into the producer side of the business, I don´t know. But don´t you ever say you´re done with music. You are so talented. I refuse to believe you will never play guitar again."
"You either, ok?"