Well, here I go again with another story! I promise I hadn't fallen off the face of the planet, as if anybody even realized I'd been gone. Finally, a break from school for a week and a story came to me. I think it's been sittin there waitin on me to actually write it for months, but here it is. Let me know what you think :)
Raineey
Disclaimer: Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah…..all this normal stuff that we all read all the time. So just to clarify in case anyone had any doubts, I do not own Life with Derek, and I do not own the song which happens to be called Streets of Heaven, recorded by Sherrie Austin. I do however own my thoughts and my characters, but I guess you done figured that out.
Casey Venturi stroked her daughter's cheek as she lay on the bed beside her. The little girl was growing paler and paler as each day passed. It was getting harder and harder to believe that this story could have a happy ending as she watched the illness take its toll on her baby's body. She observed the small hot pink scarf wrapped around her daughter's bald head where the beautiful strawberry blond hair had once grown. She saw the way that her little girl had to fight to stay awake when she used to be a little ball of energy, moving non-stop from the time she woke up to the moment she finally crashed to sleep. Through everything the child had been through, and every obstacle that came her way the little girl still had that bright sparkle in her big blue eyes. The sparkle looked tired now but it was still there. She had once been so eager to learn and to try new things. She had so many dreams that hadn't gotten a chance to come true yet. There were things that she dreamed about at night and told her mommy in the morning; things that made those blue eyes sparkle even more. Casey was going to miss that sparkle if her time came. For two years they'd fought this vicious battle, determined to fight for as long as it took anywhere they needed too. Now, it was looking like the end might be near.
The signs had come slowly but they had concerned Casey. The bruises on her five year old made her think her baby was getting bullied at school. With time it began to appear that the bruises she acquired chasing her older brother around the house hung around a lot longer than normal. Her little girl seemed more tired than usual and wanted to take naps when she got home from school, something she had fought against since birth. She had begun to lose weight. Little signs like these are what clued her in, but she never imagined what the diagnosis would be.
"Mr. and Mrs. Venturi," Dr. Radford the pediatrician had said. "I would like to submit Gracylyn to the children's hospital and have them run some additional tests there. I don't like some of the results I have been getting."
"Dr, what's going on with her, what kind of tests? What's wrong with Gracie?" Derek had asked.
"Derek, I am not really sure. Some of her blood work seems to be a bit abnormal. And then there are the obvious signs, the bruises, the fatigue, the weight loss, all those little things you have been noticing that don't sound a thing like your five year old, they have me concerned. I can't say what the diagnosis is at this moment in time, nor would I want to. I don't want you two to worry until you have something to worry about."
"Until we have something to worry about!" Derek had yelled. "You want me to submit my five year old princess into a children's hospital for additional testing for an unknown illness and you don't want me to worry until I have something to worry about! Doctor, I don't know what planet you are from. I don't know if you don't have kids or if you just don't care, but I do know that I won't be putting my princess into any hospital without worrying about her!"
Casey gripped Derek's hand tightly in an effort to calm him and said, "Doctor, this is all a bit overwhelming. We were expecting the flu or something. Our child always has been one to set a trend. It would be just like her to have the flu when it's not flu season. But, to tell us you want her in the hospital for more testing, and you don't know why, surely you can see why we are struggling with this. I want what's best for Gracie, so we'll do it. But, in the future I would like you to just give us the straight facts. When do we need to be at the hospital? How long will she have to stay? Will she have to miss school; she loves kindergarten and will cry if she misses it. And most importantly, when we will know what's going on with our baby?"
"Casey, I want her to check into the children's hospital tonight. She can sleep in the hospital tonight and get up and eat breakfast and watch cartoons early in the morning. And, then we will start numerous tests to find out what's going on with Gracylyn. Depending on what the results of the tests show she could be out of there tomorrow, or it could be a much more extensive stay. She will have to miss school at least tomorrow, and we will go from there. And, as soon as we figure out the details of Gracylyn's illness we will tell you."
Derek and Casey nodded and said, "Thank you Dr."
Then had come the sickening tasks of calling George and Nora to tell them something was wrong with Gracie. They had immediately offered their support and stepped in to take care of Gracie's siblings while she was in the hospital. A day turned into two days, two days turned into three, and their five year old endured more tests than they could count. Finally the diagnosis had come.
"Mr. and Mrs. Venturi we have the results of the tests. I have with me Dr. Charles Hogan and Dr. Emily Blaine. They work here in the children's oncology department. Gracylyn is diagnosed with a form of cancer known as leukemia. This occurs when cells called lymphoblasts begin to grow out of control. We still don't all the risks factors for this cancer, but the problem is that these cells grow larger than normal and start to accumulate. The leukemic lymphoblast's don't function like they should and they prohibit or block the production of normal red cells, platelets and white cells. This is the most common type of cancer in children between the ages of 1 and 7 years of age. A lot of research has been done in the last few years and survival chances are increasing. More children survive now with this type of cancer than die, but it's very important we begin treatment, in the form of chemotherapy, immediately. We would like to move Gracylyn up to the pediatric oncology floor and get her started on treatments within the next couple of days. I will be turning this case primarily over to Dr. Blaine who will work with Dr. Hogan to come up with an appropriate treatment plan. Any questions can be answered by the doctors."
Casey and Derek had sat at nodded numbly as their life as they had known it had fallen apart before their eyes. They had held each other after the doctors left as Casey cried. They had dried their eyes and gone back into their baby's room determined that she would win this battle, and they would be right beside her every step of the way. And, it was at that point that the long restless nights of worry, the tears, the heartache, the tough questions, the failed treatments, the chaos, and the end of a normal life began. They had sold their house and bought one closer to the hospital. Casey had quit her job and they had switched schools so they could be near Gracie.
Casey glanced over to the recliner across the room and saw her husband Derek sitting there with tears glistening in the back of his eyes. On his lap he held their nine year old son Logan and their three year old daughter Aubrie. She knew both the kids could sense something was wrong. They'd had to prepare them in the last few days for what could be coming, and it was the hardest thing she had ever done in her life.
"Mommy," Logan said while holding her hand on the way down to the cafeteria. "Yes son," she had said. "Mommy, is Gracie is gonna die? My friend Peter said that his brother said that kids that were sick like Gracie was don't get better. He said that we were stupid to waste our time here. He said that I shouldn't love Gracie because she would leave me. Is my Gracie going to be okay?"
Casey's breath had caught and she had to fight to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall down her face. She squeezed her sons hand and said quietly, "I think it's time you and mommy had a talk about Gracie, and about Peter, and about you. What do you say, why don't we leave the girls in daddy's care for a little while and go sit under the trees outside and talk. I think some fresh air could do us both some good. Do you want an ice cream before we go out there?" He nodded eagerly.
When they were positioned under the trees she turned her son towards her and kissed his forehead. She laughed as he wiped it away. "Is my baby boy too old for mommy's kisses? Now, about Gracie and this friend of yours Peter; first of all, we don't say the word stupid. I don't know what Peter mommy and daddy, or his big brother thinks about that word but you Logan Venturi do not say the word stupid. Now, about your sister; honey, she is very sick. The medicine is working, but not as much as we'd like. Your sissy is starting to get tired of fighting. Your friend Peter's brother is wrong, most of the kids who are sick like Gracie, do get better. We have been fighting and praying for Gracie to get better for a very long time. And, you have been the best big brother your sister could ask for. You have made me and daddy so proud of you; the way you switched schools, and moved rooms in different houses without protesting was such a good thing for a big boy to do. I hope you realize how much Gracie loves you for it, and how much it has helped your sissy having you near. You have been there for your sissy whenever she got tired and didn't want to fight anymore. You have helped boost her spirits so much. But, now Gracie is getting sicker. I am not going to tell you she is going to die because we are all still going to continue to pray and fight and try to make her better. But, if one day she doesn't want to fight anymore we have to be ready. It won't be easy but we have to let her know that it's okay to say goodbye, and that she will be safe in Heaven with Jesus. Do you understand Logan?"
"Yeah mommy, I understand. I don't like it. I don't want my Gracie to die. I love her. I don't want to let Jesus have her; I want to keep sissy here with me!" Tears had begun to fall down her son's cheeks and she struggled to control her own tears. "I want to teach sissy to play baseball. She wants to play baseball mommy, she told me. I promised her when she got to come home we would play. If she can be okay I will even give her my special glove. And, I told her she could meet my friends at school. She doesn't have any friend of her own, they are all mean to her cause she's sick. So I told her that if she got better she could come to school with me and we could share my friends. And I will even share my bicycle and my Legos with her if we can just bring her home. I won't even let Brie play with them, she's too little, and it will just be me and Gracie."
Casey pulled him tight and said, "You are the best big brother a little girl could ask for. Gracie and Brie are so lucky to have you. I want Gracie to come home and do all those things with you, but we will just have to see if she gets to feeling better. And, son if she doesn't she will still love you cause you made all of the days she spent in that hospital bed so much more fun. You brought her so many little toys and surprises and you two played so many games. She loves you. And, so do I."
"Derek, Casey, can I talk to you please?" Dr. Blaine asked sticking her head into the room. "If you want me to I can get your guests out of the waiting room to sit in here with the kids while we talk. Jennifer needs to come in and do her routine check, and I know you guys will want to stay with her for that. After she leaves I will be down the hall in my office waiting on you. If for some peculiar reason we have an emergency an I am not in there, just ask Katie at the nurses desk what I said for you two to do."
Derek nodded, "Thanks Dr. Blaine." Casey sat up and moved to the chair beside her daughter's bed so the nurse could get to all the machines.
Jennifer blazed into the room with a smile on her face. "Hello Miss Gracie. How is my favorite little seven year old superstar today?" Gracie giggled and said, "Jenny, do you have a surprise for me?" "Now Miss Gracie do I ever come into the room without a surprise for you?"
Jennifer had been their refuge for the two years Gracie had spent in and out of this place. A petite woman of twenty five she was always full of smiles and laughs. It was ironic that she could smile and laugh after everything she had been through but she provided the support they all needed.
"Casey, that little girl you have is a fighter," Jennifer said to her one day while she sat crying in the waiting room. Gracie's tests had come back abnormal that morning and they had rushed her for some more emergency tests. Her parents were home with Aubrie, Logan was at school and Derek was at work, so she was eagerly waiting some news. "Gracie has the will to live, and that's something that is comforting in a case like this. It's the kids who don't want to fight that I worry about. She's not one of them. I fully believe that little girl will beat this and grow up to achieve wonderful things. She has such a contagious smile and heartwarming laughter. She has a beautiful sparkle in her eyes. She has dreams big enough to change to world, a heart big enough to love the world, and enough energy to make it all happen. She is one of my favorite patients, and I try not to play favorites."
Casey laughed, "She's incredible all right. She always has been. She's been a fighter since the beginning. She was three weeks early into this world, and I always said she'd be the last one out of it. She was walking as soon as she could, and chasing her brother around the house before I was even ready for her to be walking. She's always been my baby girl and her daddy's princess. I used to hold her, when she was a baby and just watch her sleep. I would close my eyes and rock her, and sing softly to her and think about all the good days she had ahead of her, and how I didn't want the days where she was tiny enough to depend on mommy to end. I named her Gracylyn Faith because me and her daddy had the faith that she could achieve all things possible in this world. I still can't think about losing her. I can't accept it as a possibility. But, we've been fighting for a year and not achieved remission yet. Sometimes I wonder if she ever will, and news like this today doesn't help it any. I feel like I am neglecting my other children and like I am not being the mommy that they need me to be, but I can't stand the thought of leaving my six year old alone in the hospital. I am just ready for this to be over, for me to be able to take her home, and love her so much more."
Jennifer said, "I'm so sorry Casey. I feel sometimes that this hospital forgets that the family members are suffering too. I make it a priority to try and help the family members through these times as well as my patient. My patients do so much better when they have the love and support like you and your family are providing Gracie. And the family members can provide so much better support when support is being provided to them. Myself and Dr. Blaine both try to put our patient's families at the top of our priority list. But, myself and Dr. Blaine have both had personal experiences. I can tell you my story and trust me when I say the doctor knows what you're going through. My sister was diagnosed with leukemia when she was nine. She achieved remission when she was ten. For several years everything went fine, and then she slipped back out of remission when she was thirteen. It was a harder battle but she achieved it again. We thought she had won that time. When she was fifteen and I was seventeen she went back out of remission and she never recovered. She died five months later. It was a fairly rare case for her to have achieved remission twice and lost it. Of course, medical advancements at that time were nowhere close to where they are now, now my patients have a so much better chance of surviving than Chelsea ever did. But, I decided then I would spend my life helping kids like Chelsea. When I was nineteen I married the man of my dreams, and he still feels my dreams. His name is Caleb and a year later we had a beautiful set of twins named Clayton Andrew and Peyton Marie. My kids were killed in a car accident last year. I know what my patients families are going through. I know what it feels like to lose a child, or to be holding onto the hope that your child just may pull through. Clayton died on scene; he was only a year and a half old. But, I decided then I would spend my life helping kids like Chelsea. When I was nineteen I married the man of my dreams, and he still feels my dreams. His name is Caleb and a year later we had a beautiful set of twins named Clayton Andrew and Peyton Marie. My kids were killed in a car accident last year. I know what my patients families are going through. I know what it feels like to lose a child, or to be holding onto the hope that your child just may pull through. Clayton died on scene; he was only a year and a half old. Peyton made it a while longer but I honestly believe she just lost the will to live without her brother by her side. It comforts me now to know that their together, in Heaven. I know someday when I finally make it there they will both be right there waiting on mommy. They came into this world together, and they went out as close together as they could get."
Jennifer walked over and checked the IV, making sure the liquid was flowing like it should be into the little girls arm. She checked her vital signs and giggled with her for a couple of minutes. Then out of her pink polka dotted scrubs she pulled a new Barbie, a cute sticker, and a cup of blue Jell-O. "Now Miss Gracie, you must eat this Jell-O. Don't feed it to the Barbie. I already gave her some." Gracie laughed and Jennifer patted the little girls head. "I will be back in to check on you later. You and Barbie better behave." "We will Jenny," the child giggled. Derek and Casey smiled as they heard their daughter laughing.
They walked together hand in hand into Dr. Blaine's office and slowly shut the door. The doctor's smile was tight and brief followed by a solemn look as she they sat down. Slowly she began, "I don't think I have to tell you that your daughter is getting weaker and weaker. I walked by a minute ago and it was refreshing to hear her laughing with Jennifer. But, her blood work from this morning is not good. It's been getting consistently worse over the past week, since she stopped responding to treatments. I looked into experiential drugs, surgery, radiation, more chemo, but I am afraid we seem to be out of options. Her small body just can't handle much more. We can control the pain and make her comfortable but a few days tops is all you should expect. I arranged for her to have that room minus a roommate from now on. She won't have a limit on visitors, and you guys can be with her as much as you want. I also arranged at the request of Jennifer for her to be the primary nurse in Gracylyn's last days. I am so sorry to have to tell you this. I really hoped that we could beat this. She has fought a long and hard battle, and she didn't give up willingly. I know this is a lot to absorb and even harder to understand. You guys are welcome to sit in here for a few minutes alone before you go back to your family if you would like. If you have any questions you can have the nurses page me. And, I'm sorry."
Casey sobbed hard and buried her head in Derek's chest. "Thank you doctor," he said in a choked voice. "Your support and your kindness has meant the world to us. And it's meant a lot to Gracie too. The staff here has helped to keep her spirits high the last two years. Thank you." The doctor nodded and walked away. Derek held Casey close and rubbed her back as their tears mixed. It was hard to believe it could all be coming to an end after such a long hard battle. It was hard to believe they could be losing their oldest daughter after only having her seven short years.
"Derek, I can't do it. I can't walk in there and pretend everything's okay. And I have to be strong for her. I can't let her see mommy cry. I can't scare her. She asks me sometimes about Heaven. She has more often in the last few weeks. She asks me if it's a pretty place, with ponies and Ferris wheels and cotton candy, and butterflies. I told her it was the prettiest place she could imagine. I told her she would make lots of new friends there and that they would take very good care of her. I told her she could look down and see mommy, daddy, Logan, Aubrie, grandma, grandpa, all her aunts and uncles and cousins and she could keep up with what we were all doing. I told her that we would all be able to feel her presence inside our hearts and we would always be with her, just like she would always be with us. I told her that Jesus would take very good care of her and one day mommy and daddy would be there too, but it might take a while. I told her that all her dreams could come true in Heaven. But, Derek, I don't think I can let her go. She's my baby, my angel, and I don't want to lose her. There are so many things we haven't gotten to do. So many places I wanted to take her, so many dreams I wanted to share with her, and there all gonna be gone. How do we get through this?"
"I don't know baby," he said. "I guess the same way we get through everything. Together. But, I can't imagine life without her either. And, I don't want too. What do say about drying these tears up and getting back into that room? I want to spend every last second we have with her by her side." Casey nodded and stood up. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders as they walked down the hall.
Gracie was taking a nap when they walked back into the room. Edwin and Lizzie were there along with George, Nora, Marti, and Simon. They were listening to one of Logan's animated stories. Lizzie was Marti was bouncing and playing with Aubrie and Lizzie was holding her sleeping son Landon. Nora was settled on the edge of the bed facing all her grandchildren, while stroking Gracie's hair. Casey's tear stained face conveyed the message immediately and everyone in the room grew silent. They all turned to stare at the sleeping little girl on the bed. Even Logan grew quiet before he ran to his daddy's arms with a tear filled face. "Daddy, mommy," he said. Derek picked him up and ran his hand through his son's hair. Casey kissed the side of his forehead. Softly he said, "Gracie ain't coming home is she?" Tears slipped down Casey's face as Derek said, "No son, I don't think so. Your sissy's very sick. She is going to go to Heaven before long." Even little Aubrie said, "Gracie, Gracie, Gracie," over and over again.
As the night passed and the hours grew longer Gracie's breaths grew shorter. Jennifer came in to check her vital signs about seven o'clock pm and noticed the tray of uneaten food. She stroked the little girl's hair and gave Casey and Derek a sad smile as she walked out the door. They sat surrounding the little girl as close as they could get to her until it grew late. Slowly the visitors began to kiss Gracie's head and trickle out the door, telling the child they would see her later, and knowing they probably wouldn't. As the minutes passed the little girls breathing grew shallower. Finally George and Nora decided to kiss their grandbaby goodbye and take the other two back to their home for the night.
"Bye baby girl," Nora said. "I love you so much. You stay strong tonight and I will see you in the morning." Gracie nodded weakly. Then came George's turn, "I will see you tomorrow precious. You sleep well." Again the little girl nodded. When her brother's turn came he crawled up on the bed and wrapped his arms around his sister's neck kissing her cheek, "bye, Gracie. I love you so much. I will be strong, and I will be back tomorrow. I want you to be here tomorrow, so be strong. But know that I love you." Aubrie crawled up beside him babbling, "ove you, Gracie, ove you."
Casey and Derek took this moment to wrap their arms around their three kids and hold them all tight in their arms for one last time. For, they knew it could be the last chance they would have to ever be together as a whole family. When Logan and Aubrie walked out the door Gracie weakly called, "bye. I love you."
The night grew longer and darker and she grew weaker. Finally she turned to her parents and said, "Mommy, Daddy, I'm not scared." Tears poured down her parent's cheeks and Casey said, "Good. Baby girl you don't have to be scared. They will take care of you. And we will still love you." Derek said, "Baby you will always be my special angel. I love you so so very much, so much more than you will ever know." Gracie said, "Mommy, daddy, I love you." They said, "We love you to baby," as she drifted off to sleep.
Her breathing was soft and slow now, like a butterfly in the night. Casey crawled into bed beside her daughter carefully maneuvering around the IV cords and the oxygen tubing. Derek moved to lie down on the other side of his sleeping daughter. Together they intertwined their hands around their little girl and held her one last time. Softly Casey opened her mouth and began to sing to her little girl again.
Hello God, it's me again. Two am, Room 304. Visiting hours are over, time for our bedside tug of war. This sleeping child between us may not make it through the night. I'm fighting back the tears, as she fights for her life. Well, it must be kinda crowded, on the streets of Heaven. So tell me: what do you need her for? Don't you know one day she'll be your little girl forever but right now I need her so much more. She's much too young to be on her own, barely just turned seven. So, who will hold her hand when she crosses the streets of Heaven?
Tell me God, do you remember the wishes that she made? As she blew out the candles on her last birthday cake. She wants to ride a pony when she's big enough. She wants to marry her daddy, when she's all grown up. Well, it must be kinda crowded on the streets of Heaven. So tell me: what do you need her for? Don't you know one day she'll be your little girl forever but right now I need her so much more. She's much too young to be on her own, barely just turned seven. So, who will hold her hand when she crosses the streets of Heaven?
Lord, don't you know, she's my angel. You've got plenty of your own. And, I know you hold a place for her, but she's already got a home. Well I don't know if you're listening, but praying's all that's left to do. So I ask you Lord have mercy, you lost a son once too.
And, it must be kinda crowded on the streets of Heaven. So tell me: what do you need her for? Don't you know one day she'll be your little girl forever but right now I need her so much more. Lord, I know. Once you've made up your mind, there's no use in begging. But if you take her with you today. Will you make sure she looks both ways? And, would you hold her hand when she crosses the streets of Heaven?
The streets of Heaven.
And slowly in the dark hospital room, surrounded by her parents Gracylyn Faith Venturi took her last breaths. Jennifer rushed in to turn the beeping monitor off and Derek held his baby girl tightly in his arms a hand resting on his wife's back as she cried over the baby girl they had loved so much, and lost so young.