A/N: I don't actually ship anyone in Avengers. This is based on a dream I had, and I wrote it up for my best friend Winchester26.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything
)()()()(
Four Beings stood around a solid oak table in the middle of a round cave. Dim mood lighting shown down on them. Each Being was shrouded in a long, flowing cloak, each a different color- Green, Red, Blue and Gold.
The Being in Green broke the silence. "I here by call the first meeting of the Seducers of the Doctor to order. We four shall now brainstorm ideas for operation Great Seduction of the Sexually Masculine-"
"I still say it's a stupid name," The Being in Gold interrupted. "I have a much better name."
"I won, so I get to choose all the names!" shot back The Being in Green.
"You cheated!" accused The Being in Gold.
"Pepper was the one who drew lots for us, so no one cheated," The Being in Blue tried to sooth. "Now, lets get back to the planning-"
"Yes! I want to plan now!" The Being in Red slammed his fist on the table, causing it to crack.
"Damnit Thor!" Tony yanked the hood of his Gold Cloak off his head. "Stop breaking stuff! Do you know how hard and expensive it is to find a hidden, large, circular cave, get it quipped with mood lighting, a frig, food, beer, liquor, a TV, a satellite dish and solid furniture? We're in Canada!"
Steve removed the hood of his blue cloak from his head. "It is a rather nice Cave of Seduction."
"I agree." Loki removed the hood of his green cloak from his head.
All four took a moment to admire the cave.
"Okay, I feel better," Tony said.
"Planning now!" Thor demanded. "I want sex."
"We all do," Loki said.
Any ideas?" Steve asked.
They all looked at each other in awkward silence.
)()()()(
Bruce rolled out of the admittedly nice but huge bed. Five people would be able to fit on it comfortable. He wondered briefly if everyone else's beds were this nice, but decided he didn't want to know. He still wasn't sure why he had been a Tony's place for a week. Regardless, he enjoyed the perks. He showered and dressed in sweats and a wife beater before going down to breakfast.
Upon entering the kitchen he immediately went to the coffee maker, by passing the four people at the table. After downing a cup he refilled his mug. Properly fortified he turned around to face the table. Steve was happily eating Cheerios. Tony was reading the paper. Thor was feed his kitten Fluffy pieces of bacon. Loki was-
Bruce did a double take. "Why is Loki eating breakfast?"
"Because he's hungry," Tony replied, not looking away from his paper.
"But… why here?"
"Because here is where the food it," Steve said.
"No…" Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose. "Does no one mind that he's here?"
"He is my brother. He is visiting me," Thor loudly proclaimed. "Do you not want my brother to visit me?"
"But… he's- its just," Bruce sighed and decided to let it go.
"There's still bacon and French toast," Loki offered.
Bruce grunted and went to get food. When he returned to the table he realized what made this morning different from any other morning. "Why are you all wearing Speedos?"
"I think the real question," Tony finally looked away from his paper "is why aren't you wearing a Speedo?"
"Its breakfast!"
"Does that mean you don't think we're sexy?"
"I-"
"Do you find us lacking?"
"You-"
"Should we shamefully cover our glorious bodies?"
"I-"
"Do you find us sexy! Yes or no!" Tony demanded.
"Yes, alright!" Bruce threw his hands up in the arm, causing his plate and food to go everywhere. "I'm going to IHOP."
After he left the room Bruce heard loud cheering. He decided he really didn't want to know.
)()()()(
Bruce felt certain the other four people in the house were insane. Actually, he had always thought Tony, Thor and Loki were crazy, but now Steve was acting weird to. Normally he was left alone. Bruce didn't mind that. Now everyone was talking to him. About everything.
Yesterday he had barricaded himself in his room after Thor had trapped him in media room for an hour because he wanted to talk about "what a wee little warrior" Fluffy was. Steve wanted to talk about baseball. Baseball. Bruce didn't do baseball. Except the occasional Cardinals game. Tony had to talk to him about… something. Bruce didn't even bother to understand. But after Loki tried to talk to him about luffa sponges… and wanted a demonstration about how Bruce used them….
Dr. Bruce Banner knew he needed a professional. He was man enough to know when he was out of his depth. He turned to the foremost expert in the field crazy superheros. Pepper Pots.
"That is all the data I have collected and I believe that it fully supports my conclusion that all four of them are clinically insane and need professional help."
Pepper glanced at the graphs and pie charts Bruce had used during his lecture. She was impressed with his dedication, especially since they were in a cramped restaurant. The man never did anything half way. She lifted her head to stare into his eyes. She reached across the dinner table to take his hand. "Oh, sweetie, you are totally out of your depth."
"I know. That's why I contacted you."
"You are what is considered 'normal' by mainstream sociality. They are not. But, if you understand them, they have their own brand of logic. Perverse logic to be sure, but logic none the less."
"What logic is that?"
Pepper stared at him again. "You mean they haven't told you why they're doing this?"
"No."
Pepper stormed out muttering about colored cloaks and circular caves.
That's when Bruce started to get really worried. He went back to Tony's to find it empty. Gloriously empty.
)()()()(
Four Cloaked Beings stood in a cave that had mood lighting.
"This isn't working," Blue Cloak said.
"Pepper yelled at me today. She said we were all idiots and that we weren't being romantic enough," Gold Cloak said.
"We need to take him on a date," Green Cloak said.
"We shall go to the movies!" Red Cloak declared. "They are filled with fun and romance!"
"That might work," Blue Cloak said thoughtfully.
)()()()(
Bruce had never been more uncomfortable in his life. If he had been able to summon up the necessary anger he totally would have turned into the Hulk. Only the fact that he wasn't angry and that he might hurt innocent people stopped him. Mostly it was the anger.
The four had been gone from the house for a day and a half. Bruce had loved it. When they came back they said they wanted to go to a movie. Bruce had agreed, mostly to shut them up. Tony had bought out the entire theater. Thor and Tony were on either side him, Steve was behind him and Loki was in front of him. He was trapped.
As the movie started Bruce wondered at the previews. They were adults movies, and one or two looked interesting. Then the movie finally started. He was really starting to question what they were putting in kids movies these days. Strippers were hardy appropriate mater- Holy Shit! That was a penis!
Bruce realized he had been fooled by the title. Magic Mike was not about a magician. It was about male strippers. He just wanted to melt into a puddle of goo and be eaten by the floor and die.
The others were enjoying it. Thor and Tony cried at the 'touching' ending.
Bruce fervently wished for death.
)()()()(
Back in the Cave of Seduction our heroes were despairing that their plan would ever come to fruition.
"I don't know how our plans keep failing!" Tony said. They hadn't bothered with the cloaks, feeling too frustrated- in more ways than one.
"We need to go on the attack," Loki said.
"You mean actually fight him?" Steve asked.
"Nay! We shall attack his senses via sexual assault!" Thor declared.
"You mean rape him?" Steve questioned.
"Don't e stupid," Loki snapped.
"It wouldn't be rape. He'll like it," Tony assured.
"Well," Steve hesitated. "Okay.
)()()()(
The four had been gone from the house for another day and a half. Bruce dreaded them coming back.
When they came in the door he yelled "No More Movies!" The four paused and gave him wired looks. There was a slight staring contest, which Tony lost. His ego did not approve. The four advanced and surrounded Bruce. He didn't know what to do.
Tony kissed him. Bruce froze. Someone ripped his shirt, and there went his pants and… actually, that felt good. Then someone did something with their tongue and Bruce's mind turned off.
)()()()(
Bruce woke up with a start. He was laying flat on his back in his room at Tony's. "It was just a dream. Just a dream."
"What was?"
Bruce turned his head to the side. Tony was curled up next to him. Naked. Bruce realized he was naked too. And they weren't alone. Bruce was lying on Thor and Steve was on top of him and Loki was on his other side. Bruce made incoherent noises.
"Well, they're still asleep but that's easily remedied," Tony said.
Bruce's mind soon shut off again.
)()()()(
Bruce eventually reconciled himself to the idea and joined the five-some. He had two requirements:
1. No one else was to know except Pepper because she already knew and because she was Pepper.
2. Loki was to stop "Doing Bad Stuff". Loki agreed in return for "Daily Sexual Favors."
After that the group lived in Tony's mansion in happiness and relative peace.
The
End