Hi.
Bipolar, or whatever the hell you call it is lingering pain. Racing thoughts are killing me all the time. Always torn between two opposites. Torn between that overwhelming need for death, and life goals. What are life goals anyway? They're nothing, they're everything. I'm nothing, I'm everything. You're nothing to me, you're everything to me. I want to do this and that, but I have neither the energy nor the mental capacity to do this and that. An introverted extrovert, an extroverted introvert. Torn between logic, and admiration. Torn between wanting to do a hell lot of things, and just wanting to end it all.
Here comes the pain again. I comb my hair, and it falls. I want to cut it all off, but I also want to leave it grow. There is a man standing next to me, standing in the mirror looking fiercely at me, at what I've done. Looking at the most horrible, terrible, bad, no good thing I have done in my life. Guilt is permanent, never goes away, ever. While there are people that love me (or at least claim that they love me), there is someone else praying for me to die. I try to get this ghost out of my head, but I can't. I'm haunted. My mind is haunted.
The ghost of my christmas past is haunting every move, every action that I can't function. I have been co-dependent on temporary faces that I have encountered through my previous four years. I found healing in faces, but it never lived. I found healing in places, but I did not stay there for long, or worse… I don't deserve to exist in such places.
The world is too good for me to live, the world is too bad for me to live. Recurring episodes of guilt, caused by eating or by going out. Recurring episodes of sudden pain, triggered by going out. When something goes wrong, I want to pray to God to ask him for peace of mind, but I do not have the energy to get out of bed and raise my hands to do my prayer. Azrael. The angel of death, awaits me, and I await him. I want my soul to be set free but I also want earthly pleasures. I need help, but I do not want to live on medications. I need someone to stop me from killing myself, but I do not want to be hospitalized.
One handful of fries won't necessarily make me gain weight, but eventually will. A very complicated person, two polarities, two moods, two thoughts, two goals and they're all opposing each other. My mind is in a race, as I wish for someone to just stop the race I am living in.