If someone had ever told Tim that he would end with a lapful of marriage proposals when he got up that very same morning, he would have raised an eyebrow at them, imagined Ra's Al Ghul was back in town and marched right back to bed to pretend the day had not yet arrived.
But no one had been merciful enough to tell him so, and therefore, he was blissfully unaware of the cruel twist of fate awaiting him when he entered Gotham's Public Library, ready for some time alone with his favorite books and maybe a hacking job or two.
Depending on his mood.
But as he was, once again following Artemis… no, Orion Fowl – giggle, Orion Fowl was just so wrong – through his adventures, and pretending he was not laughing like a kid as the protagonist was about to get a hoof to the head, and he felt a gentle tug at his pant leg and the sudden dread of intuition curling in his stomach, he found himself caught off guard when he found himself staring at three pairs of blue eyes varying in intensity and shade.
He blinked.
Three pairs of eyes blinked back.
A small hand was still clinging to his pant leg while another hand found its way into his sweater.
He sighed.
"Who did you piss off this time, I wonder," he said with a resigned air as one of the little kids gasped, covering his small mouth with both hands.
"You said a bad word!" he gasped, giggling. "Your Ma's gonna wash your mouth with soap!"
"Right," Tim shrugged. "I'm Tim?"
"We know," another boy said solemnly, showing the teen a scrap of paper with a hurried note that read simply: 'Look for Tim at Gotham's Library.'
"Clever," Tim admitted, taking the solemn-faced boy in his arms and placing him on top of the table. "Did you write that yourself?"
The toddler frowned, his severe expression ruined completely by his chubby cheeks.
"I don't think so," he replied.
"He had it in his hands when we woke up, Mr. Tim, sir!" the other boy said happily, jumping into the table to sit by his companion's side.
"You do not seem like a bad man," the third toddler said evenly, small hands crossed over an even smaller chest. "You are deemed a worthy caretaker until our parents can collect us."
"Thank you, I guess?" Tim said, picking the third child up and resting the small body between both boys. "Do I get your names or I have to guess?"
"Don't you know them already?" the first toddler asked, scowling and Tim couldn't help but smile at the similarity in such little face with the one that had tormented him during the last year.
"Of course I do, but it is the polite thing to do to ask you first," he replied, shrugging his shoulders.
"Prove it," the boy growled. "Who am I?"
"You are Bruce Wayne," Tim said, his hands rising to show he was not a threat.
"Oh!" the second boy giggled, jumping in place. "Me too! Do me too! You know me too, right?"
"Of course I do, Clark," the teen laughed, caressing the boy's dark hair. "I know you and Bruce, and of course Princess Diana here, right?"
The girl nodded, her lips curling into a shy smile.
"He is our caretaker, Bruce, see?" Diana told the sullen boy, her hand reaching for Tim's. "A most suitable one."
"True," Bruce said, his whole body relaxing.
"Thank you," Tim said, bowing. "So, give me a second while I call your ah… parents… yeah, to tell them you arrived safely and we'll… er… play?"
Diana and Clark nodded obediently, the small Kryptonian barely holding still by sheer force of will while the little amazon kept staring around in awe, her hand never releasing Tim's. It was probably her first time in the world of man and she should be nervous.
"Don't worry, Princess," he told her gently. "I will protect you."
"I know," she said happily. "You have the blessing of the Gods in you."
Tim forced a smile on his face as he reached for his communicator. Surely Mr. Jordan and Mr. Allen would have a laugh as they listened to this. If they were not toddlers wandering the streets themselves.
"Hello? Red Robin, we're a little busy right now…" Hal said as he took the call, his fingers frantically typing on the League's computer.
"Mr. Jordan, I've got them," Tim said , rolling his eyes. "Who did they…" his eyes strayed to Clarks eager face. "…annoy… this time?"
"They are with you?" Hal asked, relief evident in his voice. "Thank god, I'll call the others then. And it was Circe… again."
Tim nodded, understanding the rivalry the ancient sorceress still held against The League.
"Should I take them to the base?" Tim asked, eyeing the kids as they whispered among eachother.
"I don't think that's wise, really," Hal replied apologetically. "We are all looking for the woman right now. Would it be too much if we…"
"No," Tim interrupted with a sigh. "I've got them. Just ummm hurry up? I don't know whether Clark and Bruce are… potty trained?"
"Of course I am!" Bruce protested, crossing his arms over his chest.
"What's potty trained?" Clark asked, tilting his head.
Tim felt the urge to face-palm, especially when he could hear Mr. Allen laughing in the background.
"We'll make this our top priority, Tim, I promise," said Hal, trying to hush Barry's chuckles. "Until then… good luck?"
"Yeah, thanks."
"Green Lantern out."
Tim stared at his comm for a second before turning to the three toddlers staring eagerly at him, their chubby faces full of energy despite their different personalities.
"Any of you hungry?" he asked, forcing a calm smile into his face. "How about ice cream?"
He was rewarded by two happy cheers while the Amazonian princess shyly accommodated herself in his lap, her hands holding his.
"What's ice cream?" she asked, blinking.
He simply ruffled her hair.
Two hours later and three satisfied toddlers staring in awe at the ducklings lazily swimming in their pond over Gotham's Park, Tim decided he was as traumatized as he was delighted from all that he had learnt from the powerful founders of the League.
And then some.
For example the fact that Diana, strong and brave Diana, was so shy she barely let go of his hand to grab her own ice cream cone and that every time anyone approached them she would hide herself behind his legs in search for shelter – which was, in his opinion, as adorable as it was disturbing – and that her cheeks would color every time he showered her with praise when she used her own super strength to keep Clark from hovering over the ground – her special mission for the day, he had told her – and would admonish him softly whenever he forgot to hide his special abilities in front of civilians.
He also learnt that giving sugar to the young Kryptonian had been a very, very bad idea – and really, he should have known, having grown around Kon most of his life – because the kid could barely stay still on his own, much less on a sugar rush and that he had the attention span of a puppy, but he would make sure never to leave his side for too long, less he lose his guardian – which really meant that Tim got dragged around by a super strong toddler who didn't really know how to control his strength yet – but otherwise was really sweet and held his manners almost like a banner and would threaten his companions that his Ma' would get revenge for him if they kept making fun of his accent.
Which lead him to Bruce – Oh, gods, Bruce – who was a right terror. If Dick ever said that Damian's behavior came from Talia's side again he would instantly disagree and share an amused eye roll with Alfred, because Bruce was a little dictator bent on world domination – which meant he was the one encouraging most of their adventures so far – and the one that demanded he be carried around at all times and cuddled because, as a normal human being, he required more care than a floating farm-boy and a savage girl. Diana had pouted at that, tugging on Tim's hand urgently. Clark, on the other hand, had laughed, not realizing he was being insulted.
Which was the reason why Diana was clinging to his hand, eyes wide, Clark was stuck to his right leg, giggling and Bruce had his little arms wrapped around his neck while he clung to his back like a fierce koala, his cheek resting on Tim's shoulder quite comfortably.
"Can we get a duckling, Mister Tim?" Clark asked, tugging on his pant to catch his attention – and thus making Bruce and Diana pout, not that Tim would notice, he refused to do so – and pointing at the little animals quacking happily.
"I don't think so, Clark," he said, kneeling to caress the boy's hair.
"Why?" Clark asked, pouting.
"Well, they seem really happy here," Tim explained patiently. "Plus, I think that if you took one of the ducklings with you, his brothers and sisters would miss him or her, don't you think?"
"Most wise," Diana nodded, resting her face on his side. "Families should not be separated."
"Plus, ducklings that young could die. Don't be silly, Clark," Bruce commented, his cheek rubbing against Tim's shoulder for attention.
Clark stared at the ducklings with wide eyes.
"I don't want the ducklings to die!" he said in fright.
"Then let's leave them where they are, okay, Clark?" Tim said gently, smiling at the boy.
"Okay, Mr. Tim," the toddler replied, pouting.
"Good boy."
"I was the one to tell him, Tim," Bruce protested, his own pout curling his lips adorably.
"Yes, you are a good boy too, Bruce, I'm proud of you," Tim laughed, turning his head to nuzzle the boy's cheek with his nose.
"Am I good too, Tim?" Diana asked shyly, her cheeks flushing a bright red.
"That you are, Diana," he agreed, shaking his head. "All of you are very good."
"Yay!" Clark cheered, floating again. "Mister Tim congratulated us!"
"Mother will be pleased," Diana grinned, showing her missing front teeth and making Tim want to go 'aawww' on her. "You will come to Themyscira with me to tell her, of course, right Tim?"
Tim was about to explain to the little girl that his presence on the island would not be very welcomed when Bruce's arms tightened around his neck.
"He can't," he told Diana. "He's gonna stay here in Gotham with me, right Tim?"
"What?" Clark complained. "You are not coming to Kansas with me, Mister Tim?"
Tim stared at the three of them in turn, wondering if there was some secret toddler-code he was missing because he didn't really see the need to accompany all of them to their respective houses because, well, really, for all they knew he wouldn't be much of an improvement of their happily childish lives – even Bruce's for all he knew – therefore it was really strange to go there.
"I will visit you all, I promise," he said finally, smiling.
Diana, Bruce and Clark frowned, their chubby cheeks puffing.
"Not acceptable," Bruce said evenly, his cheek rubbing against Tim's. "You are going to be my wife, Tim, you can't go around visiting Clark and Diana when we marry."
"Ah?" Tim blinked, eyes wide.
"Hey! Mr. Tim is going to be my wife! Ma' and Pa' will love him!" Clark protested, crossing his little arms over his chest.
"That's stupid!" Diana said, pouting. "Tim is a boy, boys don't become wives. He's going to be a husband. My husband."
Right.
How could Tim forget that part of child development? Really, because at the time he was that age he was practically asexual himself and the idea of marriage was deemed unnecessary and disruptive to his studies.
Now that Tim thought about it, his childhood had skipped one too many stages, apparently.
Clark and Bruce glared at eachother, chest puffing. Diana's lower lip trembled, her wide blue eyes filled with tears as she tightened her hold on Tim's hand until the teen felt his bones were about to break and Tim could only close his eyes and hope for a miracle.
"Guys!" he protested, removing Bruce from his back and Diana from his side. "I can't marry either of you!"
All three children pouted, their eyes wide.
"Why?" they asked in unison.
"Err…"
"There is someone else, is there?" Bruce hissed, little hands clenched.
"Who do we have to defeat to win your affection, Tim?" Diana prodded, hands clasping over her chest.
"We can do it!" Clark assured, grinning in excitement.
"Uummm," Tim hummed nervously, feeling utter relief when a red blur approached them. "Him?"
Mr. Allen stopped in front of the group, a wide smile on his face.
"Tim, there you are! We've been looking for you all!" he said, hands on his hips.
All three toddlers turned to him, eyes narrowed.
"He's the villain!" Clark growled.
"Guys…?" Barry asked, blinking.
"Such indignity must not go unpunished," hissed Diana, hands clenched at her sides.
"Mr. Allen, you'd better run…" Tim commented, feeling his own cheeks color when he realized just what he had done.
"Huh? Why?" The Flash asked.
"Attack!" Bruce cried, jumping into the man's middle and tackling him to the ground where his companions joined in the beating of a lifetime for the speedster.
"Because they think you are an obstacle?" Tim whimpered, covering his face with both hands. He felt guilty, of course, because he was putting Mr. Allen against Earth's Mightiest Toddlers, but not too guilty, really, because the man's laughter still echoed in his ears, therefore, he decided that he should stay out of the fight – he was just a powerless human, after all – and contact Mr. Jordan for back up.
"TIM!" Barry wailed in pain when Bruce's teeth sunk into his arm and Diana's feet kicked him on the shin while Clark's little hands pulled at his cowl and hair at the same time.
"Sorry, Mr. Allen?" he said, trying his hardest not to smile.
Thirty minutes later Mr. Jordan appeared with Zatanna who, after laughing for almost another hour, undid the spell and left three superheroes disoriented and one relieved Tim Drake.
"You okay, kid?" Hal asked, checking on Tim.
"Yeah," the teen said, shrugging. "I'm just going to miss them a little. It was an enlightening experience to say the least."
"I bet," Barry groaned, holding onto his bruised side. "Who knew Batman was a biter?"
"Too much information, Barry," Hal laughed, patting his friend on the shoulder. "Anything else we should know before we head to HQ, Tim?"
"Well," Tim said, shaking his head. "I was this close to be the new King of Themyscira, the Matriarch of the House of El and Damian's stepmom, apparently."
Barry and Hal gapped, staring at the teen's serene smile.
"Is that a joke?" Barry asked in disbelief.
"Obviously," Tim laughed. "Tell Bruce I'll be at home, okay? I have this sudden urge for a cup of tea and Alfred's company."
"Sure thing, Kid, rest," Hal said softly. "You earned it."
Tim smiled waving at the heroes before walking away, ignoring the way Barry's and Hal's eyes followed his every move until he disappeared from sight.
"Should we tell him his comm line was open the whole time?" Hal asked once he was sure Tim was out of earshot. Barry grinned, shaking his head.
"Nah, he'd try to delete the feed and how are we going to force Bruce and Diana to attend this year's Christmas party without it?" Flash said.
"True," Hal agreed, eyeing the recovering superheroes deviously.