Don't be like that, babe.
You want to end things? Fine. We'll end it.
I'll miss this.
No, I actually will.
I don't lie. You know that I don't.
I do actually like you-love you, enjoy-damnit-stop. Let me finish!
Okay...You're a sweet gal. I'm worried about you.
Remember how we met? Your friends dragged you to my bar and you were super uncomfortable because it was way out of your comfort zone?
Yeah I was watching you all night.
Because I didn't see your type hang around there often.
"My type?" Yes your type. studious, reserved, shy. Easy prey. For other guys.
Yes I could sense that about you.
No it's not why I picked you. Well, it kind of was. See, whether or not it would have worked out, I looked out for you because I don't like it when girls like you present yourself as easy pickins' for some low life.
Low life like me? Yeah, maybe. A low life who at least holds the door open for a gal. Come on, I have some semblance of manners.
Ha, yeah, I do sound a bit like a manipulator. I did steer a few guys away from you that night, though. They may not have looked it but they were known by the regulars to slap around their past girlfriends. I didn't want to give them that chance with you.
Why? So many questions tonight, I thought we were through?
Okay, okay, don't yell. Ahh, call it chivalry I guess. Or if you want to borrow a word from your girl-friend Laura, a "chauvinist".
I don't know, it's the way I am. Women are weaker than men.
No, it's a fact.
You telling me you would have been able to defend yourself if one of those thugs at the bar had taken you home and forced his way into your cramped apartment and tried to push you to the floor and almost suffocate you while they violated you?
Don't cry...
I know, but that could have happened. It was either me, the master puppeteer or the possibility of ending up in counseling over an unhappy night gone even further south.
I'm an asshole, I know. Heh, you're full of piss and vinegar tonight. The quiet ones always have a secret stash of it inside. I like this new development.
No, I'm not mocking you.
Well, if that's everything, I guess I'll leave. Call me if you need anything. Keep the apartment.
No you're keeping it. Finding an apartment at last minute in this economy? No, no, you'll stay in this one. I take care of my girls.
Yes, you're still my girl.
We may have broken up, but that doesn't mean I can't extend some courtesy to my former partners as an expression of good will.
Emotionally manipulative? Full of big words, I see.
You're still in college, aren't you? How much money you making? Yeah, that's what I thought. Think of me as a no-strings-attached source of financial aid. When you feel confident enough to tell me to stop, then I'll set you free. Until then, stay under this roof. Weatherman says that this winter's gonna be a tough one.
Take care of yourself. Like I said, if anything happens, just call me. Shit could go awry without warning and I'll be sure to help you if that should happen.
I don't hold grudges or anything like that; I must be the nicest ex-boyfriend in existence..
No I don't think I'm a saint or some guardian angel, more of an overseer of beautiful gals.
Yes, gals. You think you were the only one? Don't worry I love you all equally; it's just the way I am.
Okay, I'm leaving now, unless you want to kick me out? Get some last bits of anger out of your system? I'll line myself up at the door.
Shit, that's some leg power!
Fuck, what happened to your face?
No come here and let me see.
What happened?
He? New boyfriend? I knew this would happen.
What does it look like I'm doing? I'm sleeping over to look after you.
You have no say in the matter; you're a victim. You probably have a concussion and that eye needs to be iced.
Stop talking, I can tell it hurts just to open your mouth. You're missing a tooth, for God's sake.
I'll get some water, just go get changed.
Shit. Here, I got ya. Come on, slowly...Hold onto my arm. You want to go to the bathroom first or...?
I don't want you to crack your head against the sink in case you faint again.
Fine, I won't look, but it's nothing I haven't seen before.
You finished? Good. Let's get to your bed and change your clothes.
Your room is fucking freezing.
What do you mean you're saving on the energy bill? I told you I was covering the expenses.
You're so stubborn sometimes, like now especially.
Don't try and hit me, I'm trying to help you.
Let's see, you want to wear the green ones or the black ones?
Well I just wanted to know which one you'd prefer.
Fine, the black ones, then. Lean on me for a second.
I know you can't do this without me, you almost fell off the toilet, God damnit.
I know you're not a baby, I know you're a strong independent woman but right now you can't walk straight so let me help you out without you bitchin' at me. Don't worry, your autonomy is safe from my manipulative clutches.
I'm not be domineering.
Don't get into that *now*.
Do you want me to leave? Because even if you say 'yes' I won't; whether you like it or not I'm staying. So you can shut up and take my help or you can whine like a little brat and I'll spank you and put a band-aid on you later. It's obvious you can't find a decent relationship without giving your face up to some fuck as his personal punching bag. Lotta good it did me to try to steer you in the right direction. Face it, your life is shit without me.
Hey, I know you're scared. I meant what I said, though. We had a good thing going and you had to walk out on me. I know why you did it, but was it worth it in the end?
Come here.
Shh, I know.
Here you get into bed and I'll get some medicine and ice.
Sure I'll get you some water, too.
Here. Hold still.
Almost done, just bear with it. That's my girl.
Aaand the ice.
It's freezing in here, I'm turning up the heat.
What if you got sick after getting the shit beaten out of you? Then what?
Stop complaining.
What's with the obvious questions? I'm bunking with you.
Yes I am.
Hey, I'm staying here. I'm paying for this bed.
I don't really mean it, but reminding you that I own all of this seems to be winning arguments tonight.
Yeah I know, but it's the truth isn't it?
Just relax.
Sorry.
I'll call us both in for a leave of absence tomorrow morning, so just rest.
Yes I'll be here until you fall asleep. Just close your eyes and let the painkillers do their thing.
We'll get a dentist to look at your mouth on Friday. I'll make some calls.
You're going to have to go to the police, you know.
You think I don't know? I'll be there with you, of course. And if nothing can be done, well, I have some friends who love to show off their martial art skills.
I'm not joking. I'm serious.
No one hurts my girl. No one.
Yes, you're still mine. I told you that before we broke up, remember?
It still is my business, you brat, whether or not you want it to be or not.
I don't just abandon people after things stop working.
Call it what you will: clinginess, possessiveness...greed.
I think it's a good trait to have, actually. Maintaining ties with people even after the initial connection has died.
You don't think so? Well excuse me for wanting to remain friends.
Oh don't start crying again, come here.
No you're not stupid. It's fine.
I don't dislike you either, babe.
Yeah, good night.
One-sided/schizophrenic conversations for the win!