And The Songbirds Are Singing
It's like something is ripping her heart apart every time she looks at her. Like a wave of happiness followed by a hurricane of sadness overcomes her. Like she would both like to die at the moment and want to live forever in order to never miss a moment with her daughter.
Sugar looks so much like Brittany that it's sometimes hard for her to look at her. But at the same time, she can't stop staring at her. Her daughter is so beautiful and perfect – just like Brittany used to be.
As Adele would say, they could have had it all, really. They had it all at some point; great jobs, a beautiful house, amazing friends, an adorable daughter, and most of all, true love. They used to be so happy. Santana wanted it to last forever, and maybe that's why she was so scared of losing it all. Maybe she had seen her life fall apart so many times that at this moment where she had found true happiness, she knew in the back of her mind that it would have to stop at some point.
Oh, how she wishes now that she was wrong at this time.
She's looking at some old pictures again. She knows it's not the best thing to do, especially on the third-month anniversary of Brittany's death, but she can't help herself, sitting on her bed with her legs crossed under her. There are so many memories in there, she's shaking with anticipation each time she turns the page of the old albums. So many pictures, taken at various moments of their lives. She can remember them all.
Brittany and her as kids, barely 5 years old, playing in the sandbox. Dancing in the Pierce's living room when they were 9. Dressing up in Santana's bedroom when they were 12. The first time in their Cheerios uniforms. At Nationals with all the Glee Club at 16. Kissing in their graduation uniforms. Cooking in their first apartment in New-York City. On their wedding day at 23. Brittany pregnant at 25. The two of them with a tiny baby a few months later. Little Sugar's first steps and Santana clapping her hands with a beaming smile. Their last photo together, the three of them, taken by Quinn the day before Brittany's accident, at Rachel's new Broadway premiere.
Santana closes the album, knowing that there are no more pictures after this one. She couldn't take pictures any more, after what happened. It's still too early for her to be able to imagine pictures where she knows Brittany would be missing.
The memories of the day everything has changed are still fresh in her mind, and she can't stop her mind from wandering back to the moment her whole life has fallen apart.
She can still remember Sugar drawing on the kitchen table, and how she was starting to worry that Brittany hadn't come back from her dance club yet. How she kept checking the clock in the living room, how she kept dialing Brittany's phone, and how it kept going straight to the voicemail. She can still remember the rush of blood to her head when the bell had rang, and how she had calmly told Sugar to stay in the kitchen before running to the door. She can perfectly remember the face of the police officer at the front door of their house, when he had told her there had been an accident. That apparently a drunken man had lost control of his vehicle and hit Brittany's car, right on the conductor's side. That Brittany hadn't even made it to the hospital.
She can remember the way she had felt like her heart had stopped, her whole world fading around her, and how the only thing preventing her from falling into nothingness had been Sugar's small hand tucking onto hers and asking her where Mommy was. She can remember the way she had held Sugar against her, as close as possible, feeling like she was the only thing anchoring her to this world where Brittany no longer was.
Sugar is actually the only thing she can remember of the months following Brittany's death. Even if she knows she wouldn't have been able to make it without Quinn and Puck, she also knows playing with Sugar, putting her to sleep, reading her stories, taking her to school, taking care of her was the only thing she could do without breaking down.
Explaining her 4 year-old daughter that her mother would never come back had been the hardest part of it all. The Lion King had helped, even if Santana had finished the night crying with her daughter asleep in her arms.
She hears some soft noises in the apartment, and puts the album down on the floor. She isn't even surprised when her bedroom door creaks open, and a small frame appears in the doorway.
"Mama, I can't sleep…" Sugar says, rubbing her eyes.
Santana wipes away the tears she hadn't even noticed were rolling down her cheeks, and opens her bedcovers to welcome her daughter.
"Come here."
Little Sugar runs to her, and slides into the bed, cuddling as close as she can to her mother. Santana holds her close, brushing the hair out of her daughter's face.
"Did you have another nightmare again?" she murmurs, and she feels Sugar nod against her chest, gripping onto her shirt.
"Shhh, it's ok baby. I'm here now. I'm never leaving you."
She feels Sugar relax against her, and her breathing slow down. She's almost sure her daughter is sleeping when she hears a small voice.
"I miss her, mama."
Tears come again in Santana's eyes, and she's grateful that Sugar can't see them.
"I know baby. I miss her too."
So there, in this bed, she holds her 4-year old daughter closer to her and starts singing the only song Sugar can fall asleep to, tears streaming down her face.
And the songbird are singing,
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before…