Pairing: ShishidoXOhtori
AN: ANGST! ANGST! ANGST! Chotaro angst, which makes it tolerable, but still angst. So yea… After I wrote my silver pair comedy "What's an Uke?" I was inspired to write this. It isn't very long and I think Shishido is kind of OOC. Still, it almost made me cry writing it. Enjoy!
Why don't you love me?
Chotaro POV
Neh Shishido-San. No, not Ryo. Shishido-San. Because you won't let me call you by your first name… I want to, but I can't. I can't because you are my Senpai and I have to listen to you. But that is not the only reason I do what you say. I do it because I love you. Others laugh at me for it, but I never used to care.
Remember Shishido-San? Remember how we used to make such a good team? Remember? You must. We were Hyoutei's silver pair. Everybody knew it. Remember when you told me you weren't angry? Remember how I had gotten up the nerve to kiss you? You said you weren't mad… Stupid Chotaro believed you. I'm a fool, but that's what love does to people I guess…
It was one of those days we stayed out late to practice. I can still see you with your long hair. I used to love your long hair. It was soft and thick and… I'm embarrassed, but I liked to play with it sometimes. Of course you remember that. You remember how my hands felt in your hair? How I used to brush it sometimes? Well anyway, we were taking a break. You were grousing about something. You were always angry in those days. Seeing you angry always made me feel helpless, like there was nothing I could do. That night… I don't know what happened. I guess I wanted to make you feel better. You were just sitting so close and… You remember right? You remember how my lips felt pressed against yours? Could you feel my heart racing? I like to think you did. Of course, you seemed angry. I said I was sorry and that I wouldn't do it again if it made you unhappy. You told me you weren't mad at me.
Do you recall the time you felt me up in the locker room? I couldn't get it out of my head for weeks. Everyone else was on their way home and you told me to stay behind because you wanted to talk about something. I was so gullible. I stayed, thinking you wanted to talk about our doubles formation or something like that. Instead, you pinned me up against the wall. I did not fight you. The memory of your hands all over me still makes me shiver. I had thought that good people like my Senpai would never do things like that unless they had true feelings for someone. A good person… Are you a good person Shishido-San? I always thought you were, ever since freshman year.
Do you remember when I saved your neck? Remember how I said you could play doubles with me because it broke my heart to see you so unhappy. Your simple 'thanks' was enough for me. I had done all I could to keep your spot as a regular. I had done my best, but all I had received was one word that had been mumbled as you passed me. I didn't care back then.
Of course you recall the night you took my innocence? The night we made love? I'm not sorry. Sometimes… I don't like to tell anyone, but I still dream about it. The way your short, newly cut hair tickled, how warm you were. "Do you trust me?" You whispered into my ear. Of course I trusted you. Why wouldn't I? And then you were inside of me. I never told you, but it was very painful. That said, I felt safer knowing it was you. You made me feel safe. Nobody could hurt me while I was with Ryo. That is what I called you from then on. I think Atobe-Buchou and Oshitari-Fukubuchou caught on, but I didn't care. I had thought that, even though we are both boys that we had nothing to hide. Love is a precious gift from God. Something we should cherish.
Are the others the reason you ended our relationship? We weren't even together and yet you broke up with me. Sometimes I can't sleep. I can't because I have this question in my mind. Why did Shishido-San hurt me? It was late after practice one afternoon and we had grabbed a bite to eat. You were walking me home. Naïve Chotaro thought his Senpai was being a gentleman. Remember how you stepped back? I do. Remember what you said to me? It still haunts my dreams. "Chotaro, I was horny and stupid. I won't touch you like that again. I'm sorry." And you left. Did you see? Did you see my tears? Probably not.
The next morning, I was a mess. My eyes were all red and puffy, and I hadn't slept at all. You, on the other hand, looked completely normal. You acted as if nothing had happened. Why would you do something like that? You weren't being fair. My Shishido, Ryo wasn't being fair. I couldn't aknowledge that. Ever since I was twelve, you had been my hero. My hero wouldn't lead me on. My hero wouldn't lie and take advantage. It felt as if you had said "I don't love you Chotaro. I don't love you and I never did." Have you ever had your heart torn apart like that?
Neh Shishido-San. No, not Ryo. Shishido-San. Because you won't let me call you by your first name… I want to, but I can't. I can't because you are my Senpai and I have to listen to you. But that is not the only reason I do what you say. I do it because I love you.
Shishido, Ryo… Why don't you love me?