Oh Hello. I haven't posted since 2012. Life. I've got a chapter or two of this queued up. I'm sure some of you will be getting a shocking email saying I've posted!
"Why, why, why!?" Harry Potter muttered, his robes swishing as he struggled down the corridor towards Charms.
Could anything else go wrong today? He wondered, having already woken up late for Transfiguration, then learning that Hermione and Ron would be spending the evening together alone. Leaving Harry to be by himself...again...for what seemed like the billionth night. He didn't mind that his two best friends where now dating, but he couldn't help but feel a sense of loneliness he hadn't experienced in quite some time.
He had reluctantly returned for the last year of schooling, persuaded by Hermione and the knowledge that to become an Auror he would have to graduate. So he, along with a handful of those who had survived the War joined into one cohesive house, rather than just a few 7th years in each house.
He hated that this place he had once called his home, now made his heart constrict every time he graced the halls. Those who had returned where offered counciling and other treatments to help recover from the horrors of the War they had witnessed. He rarely attended the sessions, not being able to bear to look at the faces of the students who had given so much to help him fight Lord Voldemort.
"Why, why, WHY!?" He muttered once more, hiking his bag up onto his shoulder as he rounded the corner.
BANG.
He slammed face first into another person, knocking himself backwards and onto the stone floor. He was then showered with parchment as he struggled to right himself.
"Bloody fucking hell, can't you watch where you're going!?" Was growled by the other person, as they too tried to stand.
Harry grunted, feeling the beginnings of a bruise on his backside blooming as he looked up to see the victim of his clumsiness.
Blonde hair, once slicked back, now ruffled in front of his pale face. Draco Malfoy began trying to collect his strewn pieces of parchment. "As if I wasn't already late enough, thank you so much, Potter." He grumbled.
"Yes, because I was just trying to be early to my next class." Harry countered, finally able to gain his balance, he began trying to retrieve the paper as well.
Malfoy rolled his eyes, neatly arranging the papers in between his hands. "How studious of you." He sighed, waiting for the brunette to finish picking up the pieces. "Well, I suppose they are going to assume we've been fighting since we're both late. Should I rough you up a bit?"
It was Harry this time whose eyes rolled as he handed the parchment to the blonde. Having been placed together in the same enviroment, he and the former Slytherin had forged a friendship of some sorts. Helping each other with their dreaded Charms homework, playing chess on occasion or even just talking about what had happened during their time on the run. Harry had come to forgive Malfoy for the petty things they had fought over when they were children. He had, after all lied to the Dark Lord to keep him safe. Malfoy, besides still being the prat that he had always been, was remarkably intelligent, witty and now, with the stress of the war had been lifted, was full of life. Something Harry needed badly.
"How about we just skip?" Malfoy then offered, tucking the papers into a pouch they had been previously contained in.
Harry scoffed. "Me, ditch a class? What would Hermione think of me? Oh, yes, she possibly wouldn't even notice." He swung his green eyes up to meet Malfoys, whose brow furrowed.
"Do you want to go or not? We both know they are shoved too far up each others arses to even breathe." He smirked, peering down at the shorter boy. Harry had shriveled after the war ended, to the point that even Malfoy himself had become concerned. How that bag didn't topple him over...
Harry chuckled softly, smoothing his hair out of his eyes, pushing his glasses more firmly onto the bridge of his nose. He shrugged. "Well, we are so late anyways..."
"Then come on." The blonde urged, turning away and making his way back up the corridor Harry had just come down.
Harry looked around, then began to follow. "I'm sure the grounds are pretty empty at this point."
"Yeah, because if I'm going to skip a class, I'm going to go just sit on the grass somewhere." Malfoy said quietly as they walked. He glanced at the boy as he caught up to him. He felt his gut spasam. This would be one of the rare opportunities he got to spend alone and selcuded with Harry. Maybe this would be the time when he...
"Well, then where do you suppose we go then, Malfoy?" Harry quipped, snapping the other male of out his thoughts.
"I thought I told you that you could call me Draco, Potter." He muttered, pushing open one of the large doors, leading to the grounds. He squinted from the sunshine as he glanced back at Harry. He bit his lower lip as they moved forward.
"Well, I suppose when you start calling me Harry, then I will call you Draco, Malfoy." Harry responded, growing slightly nervous. He always felt like the blonde knew about his slight...oh so small...huge crush that Harry had developed on him. That scared him, because what if he used it to taunt him.
"H-Harry...well, we are going to one of the Quidditch boxes. I've only ever been when I was a first year. Every other time I've always been in the pitch." The blonde, shrugged. "I suppose most of it's all new at this point anyways."
They carried on in a few moments of silence, both boys trying to gather their thoughts. Harry had never been in the Quidditch box, now that he thought about it. He rubbed his suddenly clammy hands on the sides of his robes as they approached the broad expanse of the pitch. He wished he had continued as Captain of the Gryffindor team. Draco and he had had many late night conversations about the state of both their former houses teams and what could be improved had they stayed on.
"I remember once you thought I had cursed a bludger to kill you." The blonde said softly as they began to climb the stairs of the box they had chosen. "Did you ever find out what happened? Does your arm still hurt from that git Lockhart ruining it?"
Harry laughed quietly, thinking of the memory. "Dobby actually cursed it to try to injure me so I would have to leave Hogwarts." He looked down at his arm, remembering with a wince, the feeling of the Skel-e-grow. "Ehh, I get a twinge every once and a while. Nothing compared to this bruise i've got going right now, i'm sure."
Draco stopped midstep and turned around to face him. "I never even asked if you were alright, you did hit the floor rather hard. Let me see." He bit his lip, watching as the brunette moved his robes and pulled his jumper up, revealing a rose colored bruise the siz of Dracos two splayed hands. He growled, reaching out to gingerly touch the skin, causing the other to visibly shudder. "Why must you be so bloody thin, maybe if you had some padding you'd have faired better, Potter."
"You know why I'm so thin." He snapped, pulling his clothing back down. He wrapped his arms around his impossibly thin waist as they continued to climb.
"I'm going to start shoving tarts down your throat." Draco threatened, his grey eyes peering over his shoulder at the boy.
"Yeah, I'd like to see you try." Harry chided, watching as they neared the top.
The blonde chuckled softly. "I'm sure I could get you do to plenty of things." He smiled as he saw the boy wonders jaw slacken slightly.
"Malfoy.."He muttered, his face flushing. Did he know?
"Hmm...?"Was his reply as he crested the top of the box. The blonde shrugged off his robes, tossing them onto a bench. "I'm just saying, you are known for going out of your way for others." He winked, causing Harry's stomach to swoop. He sat down, crossing a leg and peering out across the stadium.
Harry set his bag down, he too ridding himself of his robes. Draco wasn't wrong actually. He rubbed his arms briskly, trying to ease the nerves growing inside his stomach.
"Will you at least try to eat a little more...I know its hard, but being this thin has got to be harder." Draco peered at him, ice colored eyes raking his frame, brow furrowed. "I don't want you to become sick." He murmured.
The brunette nodded. "I can try..." Eating made him ill, sitting with all those people made his stomach turn. He hated even going anywhere near the Great Hall, images of death and destruction played like a film reel whenever he stepped inside. He sat down beside the blonde, who was still watching him. He squirmed.
"That's all I can ask for, I suppose." He took a deep breath, pulling the fresh air into his lungs. Draco turned to look back upon the stadium. "If only we had planned this, we could have brought our brooms." He missed being able to ride freely.
Harry nodded, resting his thin legs up on the ledge of the box. "There's always next time." He smiled meekly at the blonde.
"So you're saying you like coming out here with me then?" He said, leaning his head back. Draco played idly with his own fingers. He swallowed, Adam's apple bobbing.
"I like being with you period these days." Harry admitted, his cheeks flushing.
"Is...is that only because you don't have them?"Was asked softly, ice colored eyes averting green.
Harry scoffed. "Is that what you think?"
Draco's gaze returned to his, shrugging. "Would it be different if they weren't together, you think?"
Harry this time shrugged. "I can't say." He pushed his hair back. "I can't have these kinds of conversations with Ron or Hermione. The way we talk, the things we talk about. They..." He swallowed, trying to find the right words. "They don't...get it. They've been through their own stuff, but not like we have you know?" He shimmed just a fraction of an inch closer. "I don't think that if you were here...if you hadn't come into my life...like you did.." He swallowed again, his throat suddenly tight. "I...I don't know..." Harry felt tears prickling the corners of his eyes. Really? He wasn't going to cry in front of this prat.
He crept his hand out, just barely touching the top of Dracos. "I don't think that I would be here."
Draco gasped quietly at Harry's words. "You were going to kill yourself?" He blurted out. He had never thought that The Golden Boy was one to think that way. He felt Harry's touch send shocks up his arm. He gingerly turned his hand palm side up, to clasp the slightly clammy one above.
Harry nodded. "I thought about it all the time. I still think about it all the time. I..I thought that after he was gone, that things would improve, but they didn't." He explained, his eyes now trained on their hands. "I had no one to talk to, like I said earlier...they couldn't see my side of things. They couldn't understand. They saw it as a new beginning, a fresh start." Harry felt one tear slip from his eye. "I saw it as a trap, like...'what do i do now?' I had spent so much of my life chasing this monster that now it was over, after I had saw what had been done..." He hastily wiped the tear away. "I had no where...no one to express this grief...these feelings of overwhelmling shock." He felt the hand around his tighten. "So many people had to die for me, people I didn't even know, people that I was incredibly close with." He glanced up, a pair of grey eyes watching him intently.
It was Draco who shimmied closer this time, his breath hitched as he listened to the boys words.
"But...then you started talking to me, and it felt...good...to do normal things with you..." He swallowed, another tear falling. "It felt even better to be able to let some of this out...to be able to get this weight off my chest, knowing you had been through the same thing, had watched it just as I had." He fiddled with the edge of his jumper with his free hand. "I stopped hurting myself, I felt..."
"Hurting yourself!? What the hell does that mean!" Draco all but shouted, letting go of the hand he was holding and lurching foward, yanking the sleeve of Harrys jumper up. He growled. He saw the faint pink lines trailing across the skin. "Really?" He muttered, eyes swinging up.
Harry squirmed under his gaze. "I..."
"So you, you do this to me and feel bad..." He shoved the other sleeve up, scoffing. "Did you feel as bad when you did it to yourself?"
Harry bit his lip, another tear falling. "I didn't know what else I could do...I was alone Draco..." He whispered. He felt those eyes burning a hole inside him. "I'm not proud of them...But I can't take them back...just like I can't take back the ones I left on you."
"You're a prat." Draco muttered, trailing his fingertips across the scars.
"I'm sorry." Was whimpered.
Draco shook his head. "I wish you'd eat." He reached up, tugging at the edge of Harry's jumper. "Did you just...did you just do it on your arms?" He bit his lip, watching as the dark haired boy shook his head, then proceeded to lift that jumper.
"Ugh, are you fucking serious?" He moaned, seeing dozens of lines across the concave expanse of skin. He knew the boy was thin, but seeing this made his stomach somersault. "How long did this go on for?"
Harry sighed, pulling the fabric back down. He clasped his hands together. "Six months."
"You did all of this in six months..."
Harry wailed. "I told you, I didn't know what else to do...this is what took away the pain."
"Well, would you have just kept cutting until you ran out of space. Then what?" He asked, his eyes wide. He couldn't believe this boy had been doing this for months.
He shrugged, more tears leaking.
"Stop crying." Draco warned. "If I ever catch you doing any stupid shit like this ever again..."
"I told you," He gulped, the tears flowing more freely. "Once you and I started being friends...I stopped." His heart felt thick and heavy in his chest. He wished Draco would stop looking at him that way.
The blonde reached up and wiped the tears from his face, feeling a few prickling in his own. He hated that it had come to this. "This isn't worth it. You can't do this to yourself."
Harry shook his head. "I don't...I won't." He felt his face flame up at Draco's touch.
"Good, because it's stupid." Draco muttered, eyes searching the boys face. "You just come to me instead." He pushed Harry's hair back, trailing the hand down to cup his chin.
Harry's eyes widened. "I'm sorry you had to find out this way, I'm sorry I ruined this nice time you were trying to have."
"Shut up." He snapped. "You didn't ruin a damn thing. You think I brought you with me and that we were just going to bullshit each other the whole time." He simpered, feeling his heart swell. "I don't think you understand how important you've become to me as well."
The brunette swallowed. It felt nice to hear those words. "It feels nice to hear that..." He said softly. "I feel like I'm...marked or something nowadays and...not saying I liked feeling important or anything like that...but at least before it felt like people...you know...cared about me." He sounded like a prat.
"Stop, because you know that's not true." He wiped away the tears once more. "When did you become this person? What happened to that boy who saved the Wizarding World? Who always had a plan, who wasn't this scared,apologizing prat." He held the boys face, watching as another blush crept upon it. He wished he could just kiss him.
"I don't know. You think I like being this way? Maybe this is just how I was the entire time. This broken person." He mumbled, shutting his eyes. He squirmed, his heart beginning to thud.
"You are not broken."
"How do you know that."
"Because you're still here, aren't you? You could be in St. Mungos with some of the others."
"Maybe I belong there." Harry spat, causing the blonde to let go of his face.
"Oh, for fucking Merlin's sake, me of all people is trying my damndest to make you feel better, and all you do is make it worse and worse. Knock it off, Potter." Draco shook his hair, raking his now free hands through his hair.
Harry felt his stomach drop out of his body and straight to the floor. He felt tears burst from his eyes knowing he had made Draco upset. "I'm sorry."
"STOP SAYING SORRY." Draco yelled. "You have nothing to be sorry about." He watched as the thin boy shrivled away from his voice. He sighed, reaching forward and pulling Harry into his arms. His breath hitched as he heard the boy sob. "You have nothing to be sorry about." He whispered. He brushed his lips across his ear.
Harry wrapped his arms around Draco's waist, melting into his embrace. He felt an instant relief as he cried into the blondes shoulder.
"I don't like to see you this way." Draco said softly, rubbing his hands down his back, wincing as he felt nearly every rib on the way down. He kissed at his temple. "I just want to know what I can do to help."
"You're already helping." Harry said in a muffled voice, he daringly brushed his lips across Draco's neck. He felt his chin being lifted.
"I never want to hear you talk about cutting yourself ever again." He said firmly. "It never happens again."
Harry nodded, his eyes unable to move away from Dracos'. The blonde kissed his forehead gently, trailing his lips down his nose. "Draco..." Harry whispered.
"I want to kiss you." Draco replied, pressing his own forehead against his, looking into his eyes. His heart was pounding. "I've wanted to kiss you for so long. I still don't think you understand how important you've become to me." He watched green eyes dilate and a soft gasp. He brushed his lips ever so slightly against Harrys', the urge to crash his mouth against his almost overwhelming.
Harry smiled. "Do it." was so soft Draco almost didn't hear it. He moved his mouth just a fraction of an inch closer, making more contact. He felt as though his heart was going to swell out of his chest.
The blonde eased his mouth closer, capturing Harrys lips. He let out a soft cry, pulling the dark haired boy closer, fire consuming him as he deepened their kiss.
Harry moved his hand upwards and into Draco's hair, holding the back of his neck as he was kissed. He sighed as the kiss ended. "I'm glad...I'm so glad you've wanted to kiss me...Because I've wanted you to kiss me for so long too."
Draco kissed him again. "I never thought it would happen." He grinned. He smoothed his hands over the boys arms. "I figured we would just be friends forever. I wasn't even sure if you fancied blokes. I was always scared that you would go back to Weasley."
Harry wrinkled his nose, sitting back. "No, even if I was straight. It would have never worked with her." He reached forward and grabbed one of Draco's hands, rubbing his thumb across the scarred knuckles. "I was scared to tell you because I wasn't sure what you would have done with that kind of information. You are still kind of a prat, you know."
Draco laughed, looking at his held hand. "No, fifteen year old me would have tore you apart." He felt his heart leap. "Me now, no, I would have pounced on you instantly."
"Instantly?" Harry smiled, tilting his head to the side. "So what kept you from telling me that you were gay?"
"It wasn't really a priority at the moment, was it? I mean we had more important things to talk about than what I wanted in my sheets, didn't we?" The blonde kissed him again, unable to stop himself. "But, now that we know...I don't think I'm going to be able to keep my hands away from you." He looked at him, touching his chin. "Are you okay with that?"
He blushed. "I think I can learn to live with it." Harry looked out into the stadium. He gasped. "There are people here!" He looked at Draco. "Should we go?"
The blonde sighed and nodded. "Well, we probably should. Damn them." He stood, reaching for their belongings. He checked his watch. "It's nearly supper time. Maybe we can get some food."
Harry pulled his robes back on as they were handed to him. He shrugged. "I'm not hungry."
Draco scoffed. "You are hungry. Maybe...maybe I can just bring some food up to our dorm? Will you eat in the dorm with me?" He asked softly, grasping his hand.
He bit his lip. "I can try..." He responded, as they began to decend down the stairs.