He can't breath.
The room is suddenly very still and quiet, as if someone has drawn the very breath right out of it. It is worse than being touched by a Dementor, the most soul crushing feeling he has ever experienced. Lily and James are holding each other nearby, Lily has her hands over her pregnant belly in anguish.
As he scans the room he waits for the so familiar bark of laughter that would break the tension, reveal it was a very dark and twisted joke, he sees the same look of ache and loss on every face. He was well liked, after all.
No, he refuses to accept it, panic and outrage war in his stomach. He will not accept that this is actually happening.
Sirius Black can not be dead.
He wants to scream it, make everyone listen. Don't they understand how ludicrous it is? Sirius was ever the survivor, the humor in every dark day. Finally, he meets Severus' eyes. He was the one to give the news, bitterly Remus wonders if he heard a note of pleasure in his voice. The look in Severus' eyes is so heavy, so...apologetic that he has to look away. He didn't hear it, only wanted to, and it was unfair. Severus has made it quite clear to Remus there is no ill will between them.
"Remus," Severus starts and he winces. It isn't that he doesn't want the comfort, he just doesn't want it from Sirius' enemy. He also doesn't want to lead Severus on, Because Remus knows if Sirius hadn't been there to claim him first, Severus would have tried.
"No," He barely hears his own voice, but then everyone is looking at him. And of course they are, because everyone knew. They, he and Sirius, were a secret, which meant that everyone and their mother knew about them. Sirius never was good at keeping secrets.
His world spins and his stomach tosses uncomfortably. Hands shaking so hard he can barely grasp his wand, he some how manages to say in a very level, if soft, voice, "Excuse me"
No one misses the way he sways as he crosses to the back door of the Potter's house, and he nearly falls over the stair into the yard. He is hit with a memory like a flash back, uninvited, unwelcome, raw and painful.
Sirius crawls between the curtains, all panic and hurt and raw energy one night. Unkempt, lovely. Remus sits up as Sirius reaches for him. It is late. It hurts when Sirius hugs him, his ribs are still sore from three nights ago. Four?
His pain is nothing compared to Sirius'. Breath hitching, nose and eyes running into the collar of Remus' pajama shirt, body wracked with silent sobs. Suddenly he goes quiet, whispers into Remus' throat. "I hate my life,"
Remus stumbles to the corner of the house, braces himself on the brick and is ill over Lily's garden.
He remembers that he said nothing, only gently put a hand on the back of Sirius' head and let him cry.
Summer that year, Its three am and something in Remus' head is roaring. There is a motorbike outside his window and he must be dreaming.
It's only Sirius, who has come to pick him up at three am, he's fighting with his mom again.
"So I thought i'd go somewhere with you,"
He is sick again and doesn't even recognize where the next memory comes from,
"I'd much rather sleep somewhere with you,"
He can't walk straight, but he tries his best as he approaches the back steps. He sits beside them, curling into the small corner they make with the wall of the house. He closed his eyes
Laughing on a carnival ride, driving around with no where to go, Hogwarts grounds
He moans lowly to himself, opening his eyes. All he can see is black, tonight there are no stars and no moon. He almost wishes there were a moon, just so he can feel a different sort of pain. The Wolf would not hurt like this.
I just want to be somewhere with you, he thinks desperately and his mind swims. He finally begins to cry, and it's painful and raw, the way only a child, or someone in incomprehensible pain can cry. He pulls at his hair and digs his heels into the ground and digs his nails into his palm. He screams. Nothing helps, his anguish and sobs are being simply torn from him. His nose runs, he gasps and coughs. It feels like his transformation, aching, terrifying, overwhelming and he can never ever stop it.
He cries like this until he can't anymore, coughs and gasps for a moment. He keeps sobbing, quiet and defeated. Very shortly, as if he were waiting for it, Severus steps out the back door the moment Remus begins to quiet down. He still walks in his brusque and haughty way, head high.
Then the door closes, and he jumps the last step in a hurry, crouching down in front of Remus. He puts a hand on the top of the other man's head, looking awkward. He is jealous, guilty for that, sad in his own way, and aches because Remus aches. Remus is far from handsome, with nose and eyes streaming, but Severus leans against the wall next to him anyway, and puts an arm around his shoulder. Unexpectedly, Remus turns and curls into his chest, shaking quietly.
Severus knows that this will not make Remus feel any better, will probably make it worse, but he pulls a parcel out of his robes anyway. Remus moans when he sees it, and Severus winces in guilt. Sirius' leather jacket, a hole in the breast.
"I tried to fix it," Severus tells him, "But-"
"Cursed," Its almost unintelligable, but he nods. Remus hesitates, then buries his face in the jacket and curls around it, sobbing with renewed vigor. One arm, and eventually both, around him Severus waits for him to stop. He doesn't offer words of comfort, because there are none, and does not take his eyes off the sky. Remus has always been composed, but now he is unrestrained and raw,and close to being in Severus'-who has also always been very regal- lap.
When, eventually, Remus doesn't seem capable of crying anymore Severus points upward. He hopes this doesn't make Remus cry more.
Remus looks up, blinking away seemingly endless tears and suddenly all stops. It hurts him, it is the worst pain he has ever known, but there is suddenly something akin to comfort, just at the back of his mind.
Sirius, The Dog Star, now glows bright overhead.
His mouth trembles, he curls up with his head in Severus' lap.
"I just want to go somewhere with him,"
Severus says nothing and puts a gentle hand on his head and lets him cry.