Is It Love,

After a disastrous fifth year Harry comes to a realization, but it is no comfort, as it also leads to badness.

I do not own Harry Potter and related characters, if I did the books would be suitable for young minds and not just fertile ground for fan-fiction.

There are no spoilers in this. As these events did not occur in the story told. Thus the results arrived at here would not therefore happen. I did change the 'cutting' hex to a 'crushing'/bludgeoning one. Mostly as it made surviving much more likely

Harry slowly walked down from Dumbledore's office and paused there looking lost. Anyone seeing him might think he was walking in a daze, but really his expression was due to him looking inward rather than outward.

At the end of his first year here he had asked the Headmaster a question. At that time he had been denied an answer. Now he had just got it, but at what was probably the worst possible time.

A couple of hours ago, after escaping Umbridge, he and his friends had fled to the ministry in a futile attempt to save his godfather. In the end it was their very presence that had doomed him. Not only that but, he was made to witness most of those who came with him getting badly hurt. It was almost a miracle no one else had been killed in the confrontation with the 'death-eaters'.

Even thou Dumbledore had said it wasn't his fault, Harry knew that this was a comforting lie. If he had ignored the vision and believed Hermione none of the tragedy of this night would have happened. True he had done everything he could to check things, and he had even asked professor Snape for assistance. But, just like in second year, it had not done them any good, and may have added to their problems.

Now his friends were in the infirmary and from what he had been told both Ron and Ginny would be there a while. Harry found himself wanting to just curl up and cry at the idea that his best friend might never be himself ever again. But it was the other first year friend his mind kept thinking about instead. When she had fallen he had almost lost his will to keep going. It had only been when Neville, who was nearer to where the hex had thrown her, had told him she was alive could he carry on.

Looking back he realized how stupid they were to answer curses and hexes like they did. Canceling a 'stupefy' charm was easy, and they had the numbers to do it. Far better would have been to make sure they stayed down or to ensure they couldn't use magic somehow. Hermione may have also thought this and so tried that silencing charm. What she forgot, unfortunately, was that silent casting was taught in the senior years.

Thinking all these things over he slowly made his way back to Gryffindor tower. He wanted to visit his friends in the infirmary, but it was late and he knew Pomfrey would send him away. Perhaps one of his dorm-mates had news, or failing that he could go and see them first thing in the morning. Assuming that is that any of them would talk to him.

Moving thru the halls in silence he barely noticed the darkness or acknowledged how late it was. Finally reaching the common room he moved to the fireplace looking at the flames and wondering if the loneliness of the deserted room was a sign of his future. Then he heard a quite voice from behind him.

"Where have you been all this time?" Hermione voice said in a whisper. "I expected to find you here when I got here."

Harry Turned and saw his friend sitting half wrapped in a blanket. Those bruises that she still had, that were visible, were somewhat faded. But he knew that the main bruising would be in places he could not and should not see. Hermione had been hit by the equivalent of a trolls club across her chest and thrown quite a ways before she had impacted that wall. That she wasn't still in hospital was incredible, and made Harry thankful for the skills of Madam Pomfrey.

"Hermione, I . . ." He began then stopped and meekly asked "the others?"

Hermione just looked sad "Ron was taken to St Mungo's in hopes they can do something. Ginny's ankle was a mess, she will have to have the bones vanished and regrown. Luna hid it well but she was badly burned but will be probably be able to be at the leaving feast tomorrow. As for me, mostly it is bruising but I am on a healing potion for my ribs and back."

Harry nodded the news of his friends made things all the more real to him. He sank down near her on the couch and said "Thus proving how stupid I was not to listen to you. If I had no one would have died or been hurt. I am almost surprised you aren't yelling at me right now given all that has happened."

Hermione just shook her head and continued speaking in a quiet voice "I want to, but I just won't let myself. Even aside from how late it is. That giving in to the temptation would probably wake half the tower. The damage to my ribs makes it painful to talk any louder than this." She put her hand over his and then made him look at her. "Besides, yelling at you for what happened would solve nothing. We have known each other and been friends for years. Over that time, all of us have done foolish things. Yes, this was the biggest of them all, but you don't throw away a friendship over a mistake. Now we should both be in bed, perhaps there will be better news in the morning."

Harry nodded and stood up and offered her a hand, and as she rose he suddenly realized something. The signs had been there, and suddenly he saw them. Just like how he had noticed her beauty back at the Yule Ball last year, and seen it ever since. Mostly it was little things but sometimes much more. Things like his reaction to her being effected back in second year. How when ever she entered a room he would try and make eye contact. Even how he was more offended by insults thrown at her rather than those attacking him, or how he hadn't cared about surviving earlier when she was hurt. At some point he had fallen in love with her.

"Harry?" She must have seen the look on his face as she stood there close to him "What's the matter?"

He looked at her standing so close, the light of the flames dancing like highlights in her hair, her face so open and her lips completely without cruelty. The only question was did he tell her or should he keep it to himself? Ron had confessed last year that he had feelings for her, but as far as he knew they had never talked about it. If he told her would I be a disservice to his best friend? More over, what about her feelings? If she felt different, would his telling her destroy their friendship? Could he afford take the risk, of loosing her completely, in hopes of some foolish fantasy?

Then, almost as if this were a dream, a voice spoke from memory. It had been a few years back and Harry was on the train platform about to get on. He and the others had watched a fellow student making a fool of himself over a girl. Then Harry had noticed Percy watching as well with an odd smile on his face. When Harry had asked about it, the usually snobbish older boy had said; it proved something his father once told him, and went on to quote Mr. Weasley:

'Son, Love is a type of magic more powerful than any great wizard can do. It is beyond our understanding both in its scope and in who it brings together. Real love will develop or not by its own nature and cannot be forced into existence. I was lucky to meet the love of my life and I hope you will someday be as fortunate. If and when you do, remember that only by being honest about your feelings can you succeed. Only by telling her what you feel, will you find out if she feels the same way. Only by having the courage to speak, will gain you the chance to be with the one who makes you complete.'

Harry realized that despite the advice being second hand it didn't make it any less true. There was nothing to be gained by staying silent and everything to lose. He had to talk to her about his feelings and delaying things wouldn't make it any easier.

Hermione wasn't sure why Harry hadn't answered her but his being hesitant to speak made her wonder if this was more bad news. She was torn, she wanted him to share what was troubling him, but as well she didn't want anything else to be wrong. "Talk to me Harry, did the headmaster tell you something? Did you find out something important after you got you back here?"

Harry found himself nodding "Yes, something he should have told me before, but I don't know I can talk about it yet. No it is something else, something more difficult." He said his voice dropping from shyness. He felt his heart racing and his stomach in knots, and wondered if he could actually tell her. "Something I should have realized long ago, something that might affect us both."

Hermione face grew clouded with confusion and worry but she didn't say anything but silently bade him continue. Taking a deep breath, Harry let his thoughts rush forth. "Of all the people hurt tonight, seeing you fall was the worst. Even with everything else, somehow that has made me see. That what I feel for you is more than friendship. That at some point I have fallen in love with you." As he said all this, he had come very close to her, and he found himself moving even closer as if he perhaps might even kiss her.

CRACK! Harry felt his head snap around and as pain blossomed he realized that he had been slapped in the face. "Harry James Potter! What the hell are you thinking, if that is if you are at all!" Hermione raged. "A man, your god-father, Died Tonight! And you have the nerve to say it didn't matter. Ron finally told me how he feels about me this year and while he is in hospital you try to take me from him. How dare you, what kind of a friend, no what kind of a person are you!" and with that she turned and stormed up the stairs away form him.

"I'm sorry, so sorry." Harry said but she ignored him as she reached to top of the stairs and slammed the door behind her. He held his burning cheek, and briefly wondered the state of his teeth. He knew his face probably burned form embarrassment, but none of that really mattered. It was pain of his disappointment and loss that enshrouded his whole consciousness.

Going up to his dorm he lay down on his bed and began to think of the future. He knew that there was a chance that Hermione might calm down, but he wasn't sure that she would ever completely forgive him. It would, he guessed, depend on if and how quickly Ron recovered, and if he forgave him as well. Last year Ron had confessed his feelings to Harry shortly after the Yule ball and Harry had agreed to stand aside. Now, even without realizing it he had gone back on that agreement. But even beyond that, was his reaction to Sirius' death, and how it made him look.

He knew he should be much more broken up than he was about it. But somehow he wasn't. In fact Cedric's death last year effected much more. Perhaps, it was that one was a fellow student, or perhaps because of how it happened, or even the absence of a body. In the end thou Harry suspected it was because of how unfamiliar they were. He rally hadn't known about Sirius before third year, and not known the truth until the end of it. Then they hadn't spoken, except by mail, until last summer, when he stayed in "that house' for a couple of weeks. So really it was more like a distant uncle was gone rather than someone he really knew.

Still he doubted Hermione, or anyone really, would understand that. So too was that prophecy and the question if he truly believed it. Given who it came from he wasn't sure, her normal 'predictions' were unreliable, but it seemed this one was to be believed according to the headmaster. The real question was, had it already been fulfilled, either when he was a baby or back at the end of the first or second year when he banished the 'echoes' that remained. It also seemed too unsure which of them might win in the end and Harry found himself wondering if now it really mattered at all.

He was uncertain that he would even summon up the effort he had earlier to break free if he was possessed again. In the end did it really matter if he lived or died, or even who really won? Supposedly Voldemort was vanquished over 10 years ago. But people like Malfoy and Umbridge still held power with their hate filled agendas. Purebloods still controlled things and muggle-born were still looked down upon. While it would be catastrophic, maybe it would take that to fix things. Much like it took the Nazi holocaust to make the world see how Jews were treated.

As the room began to lighten with the coming dawn Harry realized he had a choice to make. In a few hours would be the 'leaving feast' brunch. He could remain here, knowing all that awaited him was a lonely train ride and then a summer without seeing any friends he had left. On the other hand he could skip all the heartache of seeing Hermione and the others and leave early. But if he did that where would he go? It was not only where he might be safe, but could he trust that he wouldn't be found out. Would it be worth it, simply to avoid a few hours of pain and a bit of freedom?

Just then Harry heard Shamus a couple beds turn over and begin muttering in his sleep. Harry guessed the other boy was dreaming but his words were clear enough to understand; "Stupid Potter, making waves and harder for the rest. Get us all in trouble, mom was right, no chance at the cup with him here." Than he rolled again and was quiet

Harry knew the papers were the cause of such opinions, but it didn't really matter. If even his fellow dorm mates thought like this, then how much worse would be the rest of the school? He knew he might be called a coward if he left, but where had bravery really got him? He doubted the scars on his hand would ever fully heal, and standing up to bullies like Malfoy had only got him in more trouble over the years. Maybe it was time to be selfish and think of himself first and ignore what everyone else might think. Besides the only one whose opinion might matter, hated and loathed him right now, so things couldn't get much worse.

This decided he moved to his trunk and quickly grabbed what stuff he might need. He knew he couldn't take everything, but really he wouldn't need it all. Most of it, including his school books, would be locked away if he was at his uncle's house. So if they stayed her it wouldn't really matter. He would need his cloak and some clothing as well as his money pouch. He would also need his broom; fortunately he had got that back after exams, by promising not to fly it here. Yes leaving on it would be breaking the letter of that promise, but he was sure not the spirit. His book bag packed with the essentials he had one last stop to make, the Owlery.

Not being sure of how he would live, he knew taking Hedwig with him wasn't possible. Besides if he was caught he didn't want to subject her to living in a cage all summer. Being as quiet as possible he made his way up there. Once there he pulled out some parchment and used the small writing desk there to compose a couple of notes.

The first was one to Professor McGonagall, but he wrote asking that it be read publicly to his housemates:

My fellow Gryffindors

I am uncertain if you would accept an apology form me for the loss of points, resulting in our poor house standings. Perhaps I am mistaken, but that matters little. For while that uncertainty exists, I am very sure that many will not be unhappy I am not there. Some may call me a coward for not facing you with this, but I don't care. Things that might have made me remain are lost to me, and even if we are penalized for my leaving like this, well you can't get lower than last place. If apologies are wanted and will be accepted, then that is for the future. For now I hope you all enjoy your summer and I wish you well if we should not meet again.

That one was placed for delivery to the great hall tomorrow. The next he wrote for delivery by one of the school owls to the Weasley family

To Arthur, Molly (and family)

First let me beg your forgiveness for getting your children hurt. No words I can write could possibly express my sadness at the events of yesterday. The fact that Ron and Ginny refused to remain behind as I foolishly ran into danger is a measure of how well you taught them what friendship and loyalty mean. The fact they were hurt was entirely my fault and I will understand if you never want to see me ever again. The time I spent in your company has been the most joyous parts of my life, and I will always remember them fondly. You both gave me an Idea what a real family was like, and so were examples of what I missed growing up. I shutter to imagine what my life might have been like without you and your influence.

I hope (what were virtually) my siblings recover soon and that all the good fortune you deserve be yours.

Finally he came to the last one he would write. This one would be delivered by Hedwig sometime before the students left from the feast. He paused in his writing of it to pray she would read it and not simply tear it up.

Hermione

I know you are still angry with me, I know it for good reasons, so I suspect this note is very unwelcome. However I ask in the name of the friendship that you allow me to try and apologize.

Hermione, I'm sorry. Sorrier than you can ever guess or know. I doubt you will ever forgive me for what you heard last night. Did I mean those words, yes, did they mean what you understood, no. It was never my intention to hurt Ron or to intrude on what you both had. I simply sought to tell you how I felt. In regard to Sirius, well explaining myself, in that regard is difficult. I do not have the time, nor the space on this parchment. Perhaps it can be left with you and me coming from different places, and so understandings.

I am having Hedwig deliver this, and I hope to beg a great favor of you. I would ask that you take care of her over the summer. If nothing else she will get to enjoy it, and not locked in a cage constantly. If you chose not to do this then perhaps she can summer her at the school with the others. I suspect I will be unable to properly care for her for now. Yes I have left; perhaps I will be back next year, perhaps not. The future can never be certain, especially for me.

I will always treasure the memories of our time together. You will always hold a place in my heart, even if you refuse to see me as a friend. Some may speak of me being a coward, they may be right, were I truly brave this note would have begun with 'dear Hermione'

"Hedwig, take this to Hermione, and if she allows it stay." Harry said attaching the note "I will be traveling for a while and you'll be more comfortable with her. Stay safe my first and perhaps only friend, Be well" and with that he stepped over to the large window and checking the straps on his bag straddled his broom and took to the air.