Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed. This is a Leo reflects on Chris's death one shot. There are a lot of these fics out there, and each one is really good. I wasn't going to write one, but a fic not really on that subject inspired me and this popped into my head. I wrote this because of Sickle Sword's Before Night Awakens, which is awesome and has a beautiful writing style, so please read that fic as well. Sorry, if this is a bit sappy, I'm still getting the hang of writing fanfiction. Thank you, and please review .
Sometimes you're afraid to hold him. Afraid that if you touch him, it will turn out to be a dream. That this tiny baby isn't really here. After all, he almost didn't make it.
That thought weighs heavily on your mind. You could have lost him twice.
It is one of a father's worse fears to outlive a child, his child. A fear that came true for you. That's the real reason why you're afraid to hold him. Afraid that when you hold him you will be able to only think about his death, about how you failed him.
Even now, weeks after it happened, you feel like it just happened. You remember every detail, every feeling that you experienced, and every thought that went through your head that moment. You can still hear his failing breath. Holding him in your arms as he lay dying, you felt helpless, a failure. This was all you fault.
How could you have not known so many things? Your future son was standing right in front of you and you didn't know. You distrusted him, even hated him .The memories of how you wronged him make you sick to your stomach. Now all you wish is that you could have a second chance to make it right.
You look upon your son and realize that you do have a chance. Maybe not in the way you would like, but a chance none the less. A chance to keep your promises, to keep him safe. You would do anything to keep him from experiencing that kind of pain again .You would die, you would kill.
You have killed. No guilt flashes in your heart at that thought. He killed your son, almost killed them both. Sought to destroy a child in the name of the greater good. Such a vile act could never be for the greater good .You know that murder is always a sin. You do not hide behind the excuse of the greater good. You killed him because he took away a son you had just found .It is as simple as that.
Your arms ache to hold him. You finally give in to the impulse and gently cradle him in your arms.
Nothing seems to exist in this moment, just like the first time you held him. All that matters is that he is here. The sight, touch, smell, and the sound of him is all that matters. Your heart has hope again. Maybe you were afraid to hold him, but now you realize that you will hold him whenever he needs you to, and maybe this time it will be enough.
Sometimes you're afraid to hold him. Afraid that if you touch him, it will turn out to be a dream. That this tiny baby isn't really here. After all, he almost didn't make it.
That thought weighs heavily on your mind. You could have lost him twice.
It is one of a father's worse fears to outlive a child, his child. A fear that came true for you. That's the real reason why you're afraid to hold him. Afraid that when you hold him you will be able to only think about his death, about how you failed him.
Even now, weeks after it happened, you feel like it just happened. You remember every detail, every feeling that you experienced, and every thought that went through your head that moment. You can still hear his failing breath. Holding him in your arms as he lay dying, you felt helpless, a failure. This was all you fault.
How could you have not known so many things? Your future son was standing right in front of you and you didn't know. You distrusted him, even hated him .The memories of how you wronged him make you sick to your stomach. Now all you wish is that you could have a second chance to make it right.
You look upon your son and realize that you do have a chance. Maybe not in the way you would like, but a chance none the less. A chance to keep your promises, to keep him safe. You would do anything to keep him from experiencing that kind of pain again .You would die, you would kill.
You have killed. No guilt flashes in your heart at that thought. He killed your son, almost killed them both. Sought to destroy a child in the name of the greater good. Such a vile act could never be for the greater good .You know that murder is always a sin. You do not hide behind the excuse of the greater good. You killed him because he took away a son you had just found .It is as simple as that.
Your arms ache to hold him. You finally give in to the impulse and gently cradle him in your arms.
Nothing seems to exist in this moment, just like the first time you held him. All that matters is that he is here. The sight, touch, smell, and the sound of him is all that matters. Your heart has hope again. Maybe you were afraid to hold him, but now you realize that you will hold him whenever he needs you to, and maybe this time it will be enough.