[I don't own anything, including the lyrics to a certain wonderful R&H song. I just own my ideas and words.]

Chapter 1: A Wonderful Bastard

'God, I need a vacation', Gillian thought, as she sorted the paperwork on her desk into stacks of priority. She thought once again that she could really use her very own private secretary, but The Lightman Group just couldn't afford it. They could also use a full time accountant and a full time HR manager, instead of all these clueless little interns buzzing around. She would gladly trade ten of them for one well-seasoned and experienced administrative professional. Then, maybe she could find the time to be a psychologist and get a life!

She caught herself and felt ashamed at the thought. These feelings were so uncharitable and unlike her, and she instantly regretted them. She knew she was tired and irritable. That was the problem with being so competent, she thought, she was so used to taking on everything; and everyone took for granted that she was stretched so thin. It was her own fault for not managing things better. She needed to develop a plan instead of giving in to the doldrums. But right now, she was just too tired. 'Well, Scarlett,' she told herself, 'I'll think about that tomorrow.'

'Thank God it's Friday, though, and the end of the day', her inner dialogue continued. She neatened the stacks, binding them in order of importance and put them in her locked file drawer in readiness for her return on Monday. She took the most urgent stack and put it in her briefcase and stood up. She leaned back to stretch with her arms above her head and heard a pop in her upper spine.

Cal poked his head in the door. "Aye, aye! I heard that over here! You look knackered."

"Thanks a lot, was that supposed to be a compliment?" she looked at him with a smirk. "I do feel tired," she said as she rubbed a knot in her shoulder.

"Anything I can do," he hesitated for a beat, "or rub?" he leered at her briefly.

She rolled her eyes and sighed resignedly. "No, Cal, but thanks just the same." It came out more sarcastically than she intended.

"Headed out, then, love?"

"Oh", she sighed, "yes, but more for a break and a change of venue."

"Can I help?" he offered, hoping that she might let him, for once.

She considered. 'If only', she thought, as she looked him up and down. As much as she admired his intelligence and his talents, there were certain things he just couldn't put his mind to effectively, and the stack in her bag was one of them.

Her once-over and the resignation in her face where not lost on Cal.

"Oi! What was that?"

"Hmm?" She asked, looking down. 'Crap, I need to leave before this gets out of hand', she thought. "Nothing," was all she said.

"Nah, it was something," he said as he approached her, pointing to her face, then got in her space.

"It's fatigue, okay, Cal? And stop doing that, you know it makes me nuts!" she grumped. "I just need to get away from it for a while and I'll be fine."

"True enough," he said, searching her blue eyes. "but I'd like to see you spread the love around here more," he paused, "not take so much on yourself, love." He cocked his head and studied her face as he reached a hand out and gently rubbed her arm. "Then maybe you could enjoy your weekends, not be such a workaholic." He did look concerned. " 'Cause, you know, I hate to see you so chinstrapped."

She smiled at his use of words. For some reason, some of his slang always tickled her. She had hung around him long enough to know what it meant, but it still made her smile. Plus, just knowing he "got" her helped, even if he couldn't help personally. Cal was nothing if not insightful; and at times could even be empathetic. At the very least, he was generally good for a laugh.

"Just sayin'," he searched her face as he reacted to her smile with his own. "That's better, love." He caught her eye and there was a twinkle in his. "Seriously, anything I can do?"

"You just did", she said, brightening. "Thank you, that's sweet; but no, I'll be fine." She gathered her things.

"That's me, sweet ol' Cal."

She harrumphed. "Okay, now it's getting deep. Time to leave." She made a slight move towards the door.

"Alright, then?" Cal asked. She nodded. "Good." He leaned forward and kissed her briefly on the cheek. Even after a long frustrating day, he thought, she still looked beautiful and smelled fantastic. He envied that paperwork in her bag and wished he was going home with her for the weekend. "Have a good one, and don't work too hard," he reminded.

The kiss on her cheek, ever so brief, was enough to energize her more, and she turned her head away from him to bite her lip and adjusted the strap of her briefcase over her shoulder until she regained her composure. She knew if she looked directly at Cal just then he would see the flicker of arousal she felt at the nearness of him and the kiss, however innocent. Of course, with him, so little was ever innocent, and it was becoming harder of late not to react.

"Thanks, Cal. Goodnight." She started for the door.

"I've got Em this weekend," he called after her, "but seriously: call, yeah?"

"If I need you, sure." She tossed over her shoulder. She needed him, alright, but not for work and not at the moment.

She drove home and threw her briefcase on the kitchen counter. 'Later', she thought. Right now, she had more immediate needs. Gill opened the bag of Chinese food she had grabbed on the way home. She emptied everything out on the counter, grabbed a fork and immediately attacked the food, eating out of the container. She kicked off her shoes and walked to her music dock to wheel and click. Tony Bennett began to sing to her softly, and she finally began to relax. She poured a glass of white wine and walked to the bathroom, stripping off her skirt as she went. She carefully placed the wine glass on the floor by the tub and lit a candle on the back of the toilet and started a hot bath, putting bubble bath in as the tub filled. She walked back to the kitchen, finished her container of food and considered for a moment. 'Just the thing', she decided, and grabbed three individually wrapped Belgian chocolate truffles for dessert. She walked back to the bathroom, stripped the rest of the way and turned off the faucet. Gill dipped her toes in the bath and gradually sunk down, easing into the hot water, her skin slowly getting used to the change in temperature.

Gill sank further until the bubbles were up to her chin and she finally began to relax. She worked the sore muscles in her shoulders and then kneaded her lower back a bit. Then she lounged. She listened to the music and breathed the fragrance of the candle in deeply. It was all helping. She ate the chocolates one by one, making humming sounds of pleasure as she savored each in turn. In spite of the food, the wine was affecting her already, making her flush and feel slightly giddy.

Gill leaned her head back against the bath pillow and considered her mood. She felt labile, in every sense of the word. She was emotionally on edge, but also felt something needed to change in her life. 'Understatement!' she blurted out, and the word reverberated off the tile walls, startling her, as she realized her inner dialogue was spilling out of her mouth. Well, change was the very definition of life, wasn't it? Of late, she had felt stuck, though, and was feeling antsy. Maybe she just needed a good night's sleep. That was true; sure enough; but what she really wanted and needed right now was a good long hug. Her eyes teared up as the loneliness she had been feeling lately crept around the edges of her mind. Even months after Dave had disappeared, she still felt his absence. She missed the way they had, at times, just held onto each other for long periods, as if consoling each other in the safety of their arms.

She missed intimacy…and sex. Lately, she thought about it almost daily, which caused an almost constant sense of arousal, and a feeling of aching fullness in her pelvis. Lately, she was looking at men and felt almost predatory towards them. She supposed she just wanted to get laid; but no, it was more than that.

What really bothered her was that she was especially looking at Cal. She, who had thrown down the line and who knew more than anything else how disastrous a liaison or even a romantic relationship with him might be…especially the way he had been behaving over the last year. She, who - after all the years of him looking at her in that very way – had deflected his lascivious comments and come-ons while secretly being flattered and increasingly thrilled by them. Yes, she was now occasionally looking right back at him in the same way. But only when she couldn't stop herself; and she knew that he noticed, how could he not? And therein was the problem: she loved him, yet knew they could never be involved that way. Romance with coworkers never stood the test of time. That's why she invoked the 'line': she valued his friendship and the work to the point that she was horrified at the notion of jeopardizing either by risking a failed romance. She saw how crazy Zoe made Cal, even now. But, damn, it was frustrating.

Thoughts like this and of Cal occupied her mind, and she became aroused. She sought to relieve the tension, and the water splashed a bit out of the tub when she found that relief. She sighed heavily and finally relaxed to the point of dozing off. A bit later she awoke when the temperature of the water became uncomfortably cool. She shivered and rose, toweling off and brushing her teeth. She climbed into bed and made it an early night. Yes, tomorrow she would be in a better mood.

Another week, come and gone. Things had picked up a bit and the caseload was higher, which created even more paperwork. Then there was Cal and his foul mood the last couple of days. He had bullied everyone, and was especially hard on Loker. Honestly, she didn't know why that poor guy didn't just quit. Gill meant to have a long talk with him and try to make him feel appreciated; but she was held back by the feeling that she might be intruding or embarrass him or have him feel as Cal did: that she was smothering. She had tried to help Cal calm down and ease up on the staff, to talk about what was bothering him; but Cal was even a shit to her yesterday, and she was enraged and fumed for hours. Now she was avoiding him, and she knew that he wouldn't seek her out until he had worked a few things out in his head. Good enough: she was furious with him, anyway. For the first time in a long time, she even considered quitting. The older she got, the less she wanted to put up with tantrums from a grown man. He was an adult, why couldn't he act professionally?

Good thing it was the weekend, she thought. Right now, if she weren't able to get away from Cal for a couple of days, who knows what she would do? As it was, she had to walk out of the building yesterday afternoon just to maintain her composure; and she considered not showing up today, she was so irritated. She kept to her office today and had the feeling that Cal was avoiding her as well.

She went home, and looked forward to some comfort food. She made a simple soup of chicken broth, onions, garlic, tomatoes, spinach and tortellini, and enjoyed every spoonful with some crusty bread. The phone rang and she looked at the caller ID. It was Cal. 'Here we go', she thought. But she wasn't feeling it at the moment and let the call go to voicemail. Let him wait, the infuriating little prick. She knew he was trying to reach her to apologize or at least work things out, as was his habit; but she just couldn't talk to him, yet.

She went about getting into her pajamas, plush robe and fuzzy slippers and prepared for a movie night. She made a bowl of popcorn and drizzled melted butter on it, then put in one of her favorite musicals. Every now and then the phone rang again, and every time it was Cal. She continued to ignore his calls; but she knew she couldn't do it forever, because he would show up at her doorstep eventually. As the opening titles of the movie came on, she reviewed in her mind their usual dance: he acted shitty, she fumed and caved, he cooled down and regretted his actions, then they made up and she forgave him. She felt like an idiot sometimes, thinking about how she enabled his behavior. She didn't expect him to change; she had known him long enough to know that that wouldn't happen. What she had begun to realize was that she was the one who needed to change...something. Maybe she just needed to get away from him. As much as she loved him, as much as they usually worked well together and complimented each other….maybe being around him was just not good for her. Maybe she needed to move on in order to be happy, but she hadn't really worked out what that would look like. The thought of changing jobs, at her age, was daunting and a bit scary; and she was frequently disappointed in herself that she didn't have the guts to make a plan and just walk away. Coulda, woulda, shoulda….maybe someday soon she would take the time to work it out.

Throughout the film, which she had seen dozens of times, she flitted in and out of attention to the plot. That was, until the scene when the heroine, who has fought with the king, refuses the pleas of the king's wife to go to him to make amends. She thought to herself, 'he's just like Cal…let the bastard rot just this once', until the familiar strains of the song's preamble began:

This is a man who thinks with his heart,

his heart is not always wise.

This is a man who stumbles and falls,

but this is a man who tries.

This is a man you forgive and forgive

and help and protect as long as you live.

Gill stared at the screen, knowing that this movie, and especially this song, hit so very close to home.

He will not always say

what you would have him say,

but now and then he'll say

something wonderful!

The thoughtless things he'll do

will hurt and worry you;

then all at once he'll do

something wonderful!

She felt tears stinging the back of her eyes, but she refused to give in to them. Her throat constricted and she swallowed, but the song was relentless…

He has a thousand dreams

that won't come true.

You know that he believes in them

and that's enough for you.

As the song crescendoed, and the emotion of the soprano spilled out, Gill lifted her chin defiantly. No, I'm not going to do this, she thought. But she realized how true this song was to her relationship with Cal, in spite of what a bastard he could be at times. Her thoughts of Cal mixed with the emotions of the music…

You'll always go along,

defend him when he's wrong

and tell him when he's strong.

He is wonderful!

He'll always need your love;

and so, he'll get your love.

A man who needs your love

can be…wonderful!

…and she cried.

[If you've a mind to, review and tell me what you think, but mostly how this made you feel. Constructive criticism is always welcome.]