Monty Python Vs. The Windmill
Monty Python does Don Quixote
A Story by talking2myself
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the Monty Python actors or anything out of Don Quixote.
In the days of old there was no peace in the world. Wars were rampant and honor completely forgotten. This was all during the campaigns of Nixon and Clinton. But no our story doesn't begin there. Oh no we have to go back into the days of older. To the horrid days of the Spanish Inquisition. A poor writer is persecuted and poor (things haven't changed too much) his story begins in a far away land. We go to a little farm belonging to a gentleman named Alonzo Quijano who would one day become the brave, the legendary, and the completely loony Don Quixote de la Mancha...
The priests of the Spanish Inquisition prodded the prisoners about like they were cattle. As they did, the prisoners talked about what they had done to get into such a horrible place.
"I'm in here for starting a whole new uprising against the church," one man said," I started a rock band called ACDC."
"As in Anti Christ devil child?" another asked in shock.
"What?" the other cried," I thought it spelled ROCK! Well, what did you do to get here?"
"Public display of affection," the man said.
"That all?" the first cried," With who?"
"My partner, Lance," he said with a shrug.
"Oh!" the other two said understandingly.
The two of them looked at the last one. "Well, come on let's have it. What did you do?"
The last man looked down sheepishly," I'm a writer."
"So?"
"So, I wrote the worst most ridiculous piece of smut the world has ever seen in the hopes of selling it to the FOX network."
"That bad?!" the first man cried.
"Well, perhaps we could invest," said the second," We'll make millions off of total rumbish!"
"You'd better tell us the story," the first said," We've got connections. What did you say your name was?"
"Miguel," he said," Miguel de Cervantes and you two?"
"Rodney."
"Marion."
"Now get on with the story!"
Miguel sighed and opened his book. "Very well then, this is the tale of Alonzo Quijano otherwise known as Don Quixote."
Imagine a wonderful happy place. A lovely farm in the middle of the beautiful countryside with happy little sprites and elves running wild. Inside this wonderful place lives a happy kindly witch with nine adorable little dwarves who help her make shoes for all the good children of the world. Got that? Okay! Now look next door. You'll see a slummy little farm with an overgrown garden and crazy old man prancing about with a fireplace poker. This is where the story takes place...
"SANCHO!" A middle aged woman bellowed," Help! I can't find your sister!"
Sancho rolled his eyes," It's alright mama we've got six of them."
"Sancho!" Sra. Paza snapped.
"Just kidding mama," Sancho said quickly. He looked around his small house which was rapidly being torn apart by young children. His many brothers and sisters.
He watched his crazy master prance about the yard. A kitchen maid walked out the door and stopped to stand by him," He's finally snapped?"
"Looks like it," Sancho said.
"Darn, another two days and I would've won the pool the servants got going," she sighed. Her name was Mercedes, but everyone knew her as Merche. "Here comes the niece," she said with a sigh," Party's over."
"Antonia?!" he cried. A lovely girl walked out and started yelling at the old man. Sancho stared at her longingly. "She's so beautiful!"
"Please stop drooling," Merche said rolling her eyes.
"Can't help it," Sancho said wistfully," Look at her. Beautiful Antonia. She's the reason the sun rises in the morning. The reasons birds sing. The reason men go to war. And I'm..."
"The reason your cousins can't get married?"
"Wasn't gonna go quite that far!"
"Geez! This one must be pretty bad," Merche said glancing over at Antonia and her uncle. They're yelling and everything."
"Uncle this is ridiculous!" Antonia cried," Give up this folly and come inside!"
"No, my dear," Alonzo said," I must stay ready."
Antonia groaned," Fine. I'm going to prepare your breakfast. You'd best be inside by the time it's done." Antonia stomped back to the house. Sancho strolled back to where Alonzo was standing.
"Having an argument sir?"
"Yes, Sancho," Alonzo said sadly," She just doesn't understand. Sancho, can I ask you a question?"
"Aye sir."
"Do you believe in fate?"
"Fate sir?" Sancho cried.
"Why yes," Alonzo continued," After all I was born a lord and you a servant for a reason."
"What do you have against working class?" Sancho demanded.
"If you could switch stations would you?" Alonzo asked.
"Do you want to sir?" Sancho asked eagerly.
"Not with you," Alonzo said," I want to be a beacon of holiness! I shining leader of righteousness in our troubled world. I want to be the one they come to for help and understanding."
"You want to be a nun?"
"No!" Alonzo cried," I want to be a knight!"
"Well, I don't know about that sir," Sancho said awkwardly," There's not a greal deal of them around anymore, but I suppose if you wanted to..."
"Excellent," Alonzo said suddenly," Thank you Sancho!" he cried," Things are very clear to me now!" He dropped his poker and hurried off down the road back to the house.
"I don't understand him," Antonia said sadly to their housekeeper," He's been acting very strange lately."
"Maybe he's touched in the head," their housekeeper shrugged.
"Well, he has this grand plan now," Antonia sighed," Some idiot told him he should go become a knight! He plans on running away!"
"Maybe the fresh air will clear his head," the housekeeper said.
"Are you daft?!" Antonia cried," He can't go off on his own! Oh this is terrible. The wilderness is no place for a lady otherwise I'd go after him." Sancho walked into the kitchen casually at this point. "Oh, I need a man," Antonia sighed. Sancho perked up at that comment. "I desperately need a man. I'll take whatever I can get at this point." Sancho inched closer in anticipation.
"Well, what sort are you looking for?" the housekeeper asked.
"Oh I don't know," Antonia cried," I've never done this before, but I imagine it would have to be someone patient." Sancho started shifting from one foot to another. "Someone who is loving and kind, yet knows how to work in great haste. Someone who isn't afraid to use a little force." Sancho was sweating bullets at this point.
"Well, it can't be a noble," the housekeeper said," Stuffy old folks don't know how to change positions at all."
"That's true," Antonia said," But where I am going to find someone with enough youthful energy to keep up?"
"Me!" Sancho cried. He practically threw himself at Antonia's feet," Pick me!"
"You?" Antonia asked," You want to do it?"
"More than ever!" Sancho cried.
"Well, this is fantastic!" Antonia cried. Sancho bolted to his feet with a ridiculous grin plastered all over his face. "I'll fetch my uncle!" Sancho's face was ghost white.
"What?!" Sancho cried," What do you need him for?"
"Well, that's the whole reason you're doing this silly," Antonia said with a smile," For my uncle."
"WHAT?!" Sancho cried backing away," But I thought... I thought... you... and not..."
"Are you saying you don't want to help me?" Antonia asked.
"No, no," Sancho cried helplessly," I'll do whatever you want."
"If you don't want to travel with my uncle then I shall have to find someone else," Antonia sighed.
"What travel?" Sancho cried.
"Of course!" Antonia cried," Some idiot told my uncle he should go become a knight. So he's going. I just want to find someone to keep an eye on him."
"Oh," Sancho said with a sigh," Well, I guess I could do that."
"Would you?!" Antonia cried happily," Oh thank you Sancho!" She threw her arms around him. "You're wonderful! I'm eternally grateful!" Sancho hugged her tightly. "I'll tell Uncle you're coming!" she cried happily," Oh uncle Alonzo."
Merche had been watching from the doorway. She rolled her eyes and walked next to him. "You have any idea what you're getting into?"
"None whatsoever," Sancho said," But Antonia is eternally grateful."
"You're eternally foolish!" Merche snapped.
"I'll say!" Marion interrupted the story. "He's going to chase after some crazed old man just to impress some Spanish tart?"
"It's supposed to be romantic," Miguel snapped," He's a commoner and she's a rich young lady! It's proof that love is blind!"
"And deaf and stupid as well!" Rodney snapped," I mean what are the odds that she'll fall in love with him anyway?"
"7,506 to 1," Marion said.
"How do you figure?"
"Well, if you take into consideration how he could actually DIE on the trip..."
"Okay, I'll give you that. But if you factor in the chances that she'll meet some other bloke while he's gone."
"Yes, I did. I think you forgot to carry the three."
"Oh did I?" Rodney did the figures in his head," Okay, I guess you're right. My apologies."
"Oh that's quite alright. It's a simple mistake," he said with a smile.
"Hey!" Miguel cried," You've been single your entire life. And you're gay. You should not be telling me about heterosexual relationships! This is all the math you need, Poor peasant + rich beautiful girl red hot romance! Now shut up and let me move on with the story!
AUTHOR NOTE: I'm sorry if any of you are offended about the gay comments. I do have gay friends and I'm not making fun of anyone! Sorry!
"You're eternally foolish," Merche said. "Wait!" she cried," Didn't I just say that?!"
"You did," Sancho interjected," But then those blokes so rudely interrupted our dialogue."
"Oh everything's our fault!" Marion cried.
"Yes, everything," Rodney snapped.
"I'm not getting enough attention!" Antonia whined just off-page.
"I'm getting bored," Don Quixote snapped," Carry on!"
"Yes, please," Antonia cried.
"GET ON WITH IT!" Miguel yelled.
"Alright alright!" Merche cried," For the third time, You're eternally foolish!"
"Yes, I know," Sancho said," But it's the only way I know to impress her. When I get back she won't be able to help, but fall in love with me."
"That's a stupid plan!" Merche cried," Do you think we girls are so foolish and naive that we can't see through the half-baked plans that you main characters get hurled into?"
"Sancho!" Alonzo pushed his way into the room. Merche and Sancho both stared at the most ridiculous costume they had ever seen.
"Is that the suit of armor from down the hall?!" Merche cried.
"Mr. Alonzo?" Sancho cried.
"I am Alonzo no more!" the old man cried," I am a gallant knight errant! Sir Don Quixote de la Mancha."
Merche scratched her head," Donkey who?"
Sancho sighed heavily," Perhaps those three guys were right. This is gonna be harder than I thought!"