Title: Die, Dualla, Die!
Author: Manipulator
Rating: T
Word Count: 1009
Spoilers: This uses most of the spoilers going around for season 3.
Disclaimer: Battlestar Galactica is the property of NBC/Universal
Notes: This is pure spoofing on Lee/Kara shipping. If you don't have a sense of humor, and/or don't want to see any season 3 spoilers, move right along. And now, without further adieu…"Die, Dualla, Die!"
I
Dee curled up sinuously under the satin sheets, murmuring in relaxed pleasure, while her man Commander Lee Adama hit the 20-minute mark on the commode.
She remembered the day she met Lee, a lifetime ago, and how beautiful he was. The first time she saw him take his shirt off in the gym, all she could do was stand and look at him as her core burned with molten yearning. She arched in a feline stretch, remembering him in all his chiseled, metrosexual glory. Dualla felt a twinge of sadness then, that she had to let him get fat so one else would want him, and he'd be less likely to leave her. If he did, what would happen to her then? She'd have Lieutenant bars, sure, but what else? She thought she'd never find a man with a spine when she was saddled with Billy. Thankfully, his death cleared the way for the great relationship she had now. She hoped it could withstand the impending assault on New Caprica. They would give everything for one last chance to let humanity be free. Tears stung at her eyes then, and Lee grunted as something finally plopped into the toilet.
II
Helo screamed for Sharon, over and over again, as he pounded on the glass wall that was the least of the divisions between them. Even after the medics pulled the sheet over her face, he couldn't stop.
"I-I know this isn't easy," Chandra, a medic seen for the first time ever on the show, but sure to be shipped with Helo at any time, said. "But she was just in the bathroom, on the toilet. According to the autopsy, she was rather constipated, and pushed a little hard, causing a brain aneurism, which killed her. She didn't feel any pain-"
"SHARON!"
"Lt. Agathon, please," she said, touching his arm in a way that will launch a thousand fanfics. "You must listen to me. This may not be easy for you to take…"
Helo blinked back his tears, jaw agape. What could be worse than this?
"SHARON!"
"Godsdammit listen to me! We have reason to believe it was suicide!"
Helo shook his head--no..no way!
"Sharon?"
III
Kara and Sam sat in their underground bunker, waiting for nightfall, so they could continue to fight…fight 'em till they couldn't. Behind them, Tigh and Ellen were arguing. Ellen seemed rather miffed for a woman who was an unwilling sex slave to a Cavil model just yesterday.
She cleaned her rifle as Sam massaged her bare left foot. Kara had to smile. Even in the worst of times he always loved her, no matter what.
"Hey, Sam?"
Anders looked up, grinned. "Yeah, what is it babe?"
"I don't think I ever told you how much I--"
A thundering report from her rifle echoed off the dank earthen walls. How? She was sure she checked the clip in her rifle before she started cleaning. But where did the shot go?
She was answered by Sam doubling over in pain, clutching at his exposed viscera. Tigh immediately joined her at his side, trying to stop the bleeding even though it was obvious he was frakked.
"Well," Anders said, through dark blood pouring from his mouth. "Looks like I'm frakked. You gotta keep it going, Kara. You just gotta."
He started convulsing and Kara held on all the tighter as Ellen wished everyone would keep it down while she was trying to sleep. The Colonel said nothing, but went back to tend to her. A moment later, a shot rang out, and Tigh returned, noticeably happier and Ellen didn't say anything the rest of the night…or ever.
"One more thing, baby," Anders said, as the last embers of life waned inside him. "You gotta go back and have lots of babies with Lee Adama. He's your destiny baby. Not me. I was just standing in the way, I see that now, as well as my gall bladder and…"
He trailed off, finally dead.
"Captain Thrace…Kara," Tigh whispered. "We have to get out of here. They'll know we're here. We--"
Just then, the door was kicked open. Leoben Conoy, who could see the universe, yet not the fact that he can't dress himself properly, stood in the doorway. Behind him were two centurions, who had their weapons trained on Tigh and Kara.
"Well," Leoben said, with a sad little smile. "It looks like you did part of the job for us, didn't you sugarcakes?"
"What the hell did you call me," Tigh asked, snarling.
"I was talking to her, jackass," he replied.
Kara's face twisted into a mask of rage as she rose and stepped slowly, deliberately toward Leoben. The centurions tensed up, but Conoy's dismissive hand kept them at bay.
She stood nose to nose with him, clenched fist cutting through the air, ready to meet his mouth, but he didn't move. Instead, her fist just stopped, as if she couldn't will her body to move that extra centimeter into his face.
"Come on, Kara," the Cylon cooed. "Who's your daddy, hmmm?"
Kara's arm just lowered to her side, and suddenly, her body took over for her. The burning in between her legs was more than just a bad yeast infection..it was lust..from out of nowhere. She looked down and saw that, according to her shirt, her body thought it was getting cold in here. Then, as if guided by an invisible hand, her chin lifted and Kara looked into Leoben's eyes and said the only thing she could.
"You're my daddy, Leoben."
Tigh was escorted roughly from the room as Conoy and Kara consummated their passion on the rickety table, over Sam's still warm, eviscerated corpse.
TO BE CONTINUED!
V
The greatest battle in the history of mankind raged as the last of the Colonial Fleet jumped into orbit around New Caprica, to free the human race and begin the trek to Earth anew. While that was going on, Lee and his old man, Admiral Bill Adama sat and talked about their feelings in the elder man's quarters.
"I know," the Admiral began. "That the greatest battle in the history of mankind is raging, but I felt that we needed some quality time, son. Colonel Agathon has things well in hand in CiC."
Lee sucked down his scotch, wishing to the Gods he has a plate of ribs and a few gallons of ice cream to take the pain away. He was losing his ship as they spoke, but the plan was a sound one. Six basestars could take out Galactica and Pegasus, but detonating Pegasus with a full payload of nukes, plus some fertilizer bombs the boys in engineering whipped up would do the job on half that number. Thankfully, Dee managed to get everyone, including herself, off the ship, before it was automatically set to jump. Outside, he was sure a spectacular, awe-inspiring dogfight between vipers and Cylon raiders was happening. It made him want to just lie in a pool of water and float for hours, but it was not to be. He could no longer fit his bloated ass into his swim trunks. Where did the time go? It felt like it was just yesterday that he had a body that most people got only with spending thousands on a personal trainer and working out all day.
In tribute to his former Godlike form, Lee's sphincter excreted some obnoxiously loud flatulence. Actually that wasn't the reason. Had he not cut loose with the gas, he would have pooped himself. His father just glared at him, and he suddenly felt ashamed. Then, without saying a word, Admiral Adama farted so loud, and so rankly, that the room shook, and Lee's eyelashes fell off. Both men laughed heartily.
For the first time ever, as the greatest battle in the history of genre television raged, father and son were communicating.
VI
Specialist O'Halahal screamed in terror, as the dradus filled with thousands of basestars, and viper pilot crosstalk assaulted his senses.
"Colonel Agathon! Colonel Agathon, what the frak are we gonna do! Where's the Admiral!"
Helo stared blankly at the tactical maps below him. Doctor Gershtabershta, the Pegasus' chief physician's words echoed in a loop in his mind.
"You see, Colonel Agathon, it's like this… Sharon had apparently horded months' worth of cheese under her mattress, in the back of the toilet, even in her vagina, ever since we settled in orbit around New Caprica. One day, she just started eating all this cheese, and caused her to stop up. Her delicate Cylon digestive system apparently gets constipated more easily than ours. Something about the silica relays in the colon reacting to large amounts of calcium. Anyway, she just got on the thunderbucket that fateful morning, and knew she would push her last."
Somebody shrieked about incoming ordnance, and then the bridge trembled. Behind him, Specialist O'Halahal was punching himself in the head trying to put out the flames, but Helo just stood, a lone tear rolling down his cheek.
"Sharon…"
VII
Dee finished up her eyeliner, finally! Now it was on to the lip color. Lee was very downcast, before he told her to wait for the order to disembark the Pegasus. A lot of pilots would die to save the last of humanity. Dee supposed she felt sort of bad too, but she couldn't help but smile knowing that Showboat would probably be among them. Captain Marcia Case still lusted after Lee, despite his chunkiness. She even overheard that brazen hussy of a pilot say "I'd whip him back into shape!" Well, that was another worry Lt. Dualla would not have to deal with any longer. There was one more person, though. Kara Thrace still lusted after him.
"Antibiotics my beautiful, perfectly shaped ass," she muttered as the brush outlined her supple lips. She knew damn well that Kara just wanted a lame excuse to talk to Lee. Dualla smiled a little, as she realized the odds were good that Kara Thrace would probably be dead on the surface by the time they got the tens of thousands on board. They would be able to resume the journey to Earth, without her having to worry about women stealing her man.
After all, when would she find a man with real power that treated her this well. Sure, Lee could only ten minutes three times a week now and then fall asleep, but sex wasn't everything. She thought it was hopeless when, after she entreatied the elder Adama to go to Kobol and bring everyone back together, the old man turned down her offer of a blowjob. She would never be stuck with a spineless bitch like Billy ever again!
Dee looked down at her watch. Boy was time going slow. Then she noticed the sweep hand wasn't moving…but the Pegasus was. She darted into the hall her heart thundering behind her pert breasts like it used to before she turned Lee into a fat sack of crap, but out of fear this time, obviously, not lust. That would be just too weird, even for this fandom. Her watch's battery had died…
She should have left the Pegasus fifteen minutes ago!
TO BE CONTINUED!