You can close your eyes from the things you don't want to see but you can't close your heart to the things you want to feel. This is a shame because I'm hopelessly in love with my best friend Jake Harper. I've loved him for over a year. At first I thought I was just a silly crush, it would disappear soon, but here I am, a year later still in love with him. It's heart breaking to know he doesn't like me back and probably never has done. However, the most heartbreaking part of all this is he has a girlfriend.

Now, I can't prevent him from getting a girlfriend, he's his own person, he can do what he likes but when I found out that mild September morning it felt like my heart was smashed into a million pieces and my world had fallen apart. I hated the fact he had a girlfriend but I didn't hate him. I should have trusted my instinct about Kate. She isn't mean or malicious but deep down I knew something was either happening or going to happen. And it did. The only thing I hated more than the situation itself was me. I hated myself for being so emotional about something that didn't concern me, I hated myself for hating a girl who did absolutely nothing wrong and I hated myself for being jealous and possessive over somebody who didn't belong to me.

Eventually I got over the fierce jealousy and hate and befriended Emily. It still saddens me to see them together whether it's in real life or a picture posted of Facebook but I'm happy for him. Seeing Jake happy is one of the best feelings in the world - even if it is because of Emily, and somehow I'm thankful to her for this; for making him happy.

So you've read up to this point and you're thinking "well, at least you have a happy medium. The story ended on a high"

But you see the story hasn't ended yet. This is where Toby comes in to the picture.

First things seemed normal. I was relived that I was finally getting over Jake and moving on. And soon I would have a boyfriend. But eventually I realised I still liked Jake, whom I was never going to get over and I didn't like Toby, I just liked the idea of being liked back. I knew I didn't truly love Toby because I was paranoid about others opinions. If Jake was in Toby's place I wouldn't give a care in the world. Now it's seems Toby has fallen in love with me and, no matter how gently or harshly I do it, in the end I am going to end up breaking his heart. You wouldn't expect a 16 year old to have all this misfortune with love in her short life, but it appears I have. Sometimes I sit there and think "who would love this?" Other days I think "why wouldn't you want a bit of this?" I'm not desperate for a boyfriend. I just want to be loved. I'm not interested in sex, or the physical features of a person. I fall in love with personality. Jake is the kindest, most caring person I have ever met- he never has a bad word to say about anyone. Perhaps that is why I can't get over him, I simply cannot see any flaws in his possibly perfect personality.

When I realised I still loved Jake I was revising for my religious studies exam. I had my head phones in and every single song I listened to made me think of Jake when really it should have been Toby I was thinking about. I left the classroom when the bell went and made my way to the canteen for lunch. I sat down at our table and told the only two people with me -my gay best friend Sebastian and my annoying frenemy Alana- "I still love Jake. I'm not sure I'm in love with Toby."

I shuffled over to my best friend Brittany next and told her. She hugged me. I couldn't bare to talk to anyone so I plugged my head phones in. After listening to "I'm Not That Girl", "I Will Always Love You" and "Someone Like You" my crying was uncontrollable. I couldn't cope, everything was falling apart. Why did I love Jake so much? After unsuccessful attempts at consoling me from Brittany, Jake came over hugged me from behind and asked me if I was okay. "I'm okay, Jake. Really, it's just girl stuff" I said. I want to tell him. What was I supposed to tell him? I wanted that hug to last forever. I felt warm and happy underneath my sadness. I wanted to hold onto him forever. My face was sticky with tears "I've been told if you repeat a word over and over it loses its meaning. I have stayed up countless nights repeating your name hoping that you will mean to me with each breath"

"Matilda," he replied " I love you too"

I snuggled up to him, enclosed in his arms. I was loved. For the first time ever I was loved and things were going perfectly.

Then the bell went. And I woke up from my daydream fantasyland. Jake didn't love me. He's didn't love me anymore than a friend, and anyway what about Toby? What about Emily?

I walked off to english silently with him and Brittany by my side. I spent most of that lesson gazing at him, just like I have done many lessons before and will do, many lessons into the future. I guess sometimes Cupid runs out of arrows and shoots one person instead of two...