Niles didn't know why he felt like this. As a prominent psychiatrist, he knew that he was usually quite adapt at finding words to describe his feelings. But today there were no words to what he was feeling. Hurt, sad, depressed, betrayed (by his brother and his own stupid feelings), Niles knew that he could not do anything to take back the actions of the previous night. Daphne was engaged- there was no denying that she could now never be his. And the thought made him grieve in a way that he hadn't since his mother had passed away.
It was his own fault. If only he hadn't listened to Frasier on countless times, if he hadn't held back the feelings that he felt for her, then maybe things would be very different now. That could have- that should have- been Niles in the living room last night instead of Donny Douglas. That should have been his ring on her finger, not someone else's. That should have been him promising to make Daphne happy for the rest of her life, but it wasn't, and for once Niles realized that he had lost the one thing that had kept him going for years- hope.
Hope. Such a powerful word, even more powerful emotion. Niles knew that he should have been grateful for all of the years he'd lived with that one emotion, but all he could focus on was that it was gone. Nothing left. Every ounce of hope that he'd had for his life had been destroyed, and like a passenger on the Titanic, he felt utterly helpless to do anything for the sinking ship that was Donny and Daphne's relationship. That was a pretty good analogy, Niles thought bitterly as he pulled the covers over his head. He felt like he was going down with no hope, no chance, no feeling of escape from the misery that now tormented his soul. He just didn't know how he could take it anymore, and he knew that he would not be any good to his patients today. Physician, heal thyself, Niles thought bitterly as he picked up the phone and called in sick to work.
All he could think of was that that should have been with Daphne last night. But it wasn't, and so he was left without any real meaning in his life. True, professionally he was on a high, but what good were awards if he couldn't solve the real puzzles in his life? He was a failure, a fraud, an imposter, so he decided that there could only be one escape from the madness that was his life- He had to escape.
Niles knew right now that he was choking on misery, drowning in sorrow, unable to focus on anyone but himself. So he had to do what he had to do- it was time to move on, time to start again. He had to move on with his life if he ever wanted to escape the ghost that was the possible relationship between he and Daphne. He didn't know when or where or how but he had to begin again. And so he got out of bed, reluctantly, and grabbed a map. He didn't know when or where or how but he knew that he would never be of use to his family again. They would forever pity him because of last night, and for that he knew that he couldn't stay. It was time to move on, time to begin again, and so with a heavy hand and a heavy heart he put his finger on the map and decided to go where he couldn't be found. Of course, he frowned as soon as he realized where his hand had landed. Of all the places in the world why did he have to choose this one? Oh well, maybe it was good to Frasier, so maybe it would be good to him too. He was heading home, in a sense, to a new world, new opportunities, and besides, this would give him a chance to visit his nephew more frequently. (But about Lilith…)
Yes, Niles was headed to Boston.