Jogan flangst. Post-Hell Night, of course. Sorry guys! Haven't contributed in the Jogan tag in forever. Hope this isn't too terrible!
Screams
Julian wants to be put on tranquilizers. He absolutely hates this. The actor screams everytime he wakes up in the hospital and whenever he was left in a moment of silence, a different type of screaming ran through his mind.
Screams of those he know, of his mother, of the watches, of his peers — just constant and constant suffocating and screeching sounds in his mind. He finds himself wanting to die when he sleeps and wanting to have a nightmare rather than wake up.
Julian was absolutely haunted.
Most of all, by his very own voice. He could have left. He was going to. What would be the difference if he did so as soon as he was out of the hospital? Was it still too late to escape?
It's ironic that with all the screaming, the blaming and rage he influences on himself, the panic throughout the parents, the fear and sadness in his friends, that Logan becomes the calmest of them all.
Julian had noticed this after a week had passed. He always caught a glimpse of Logan walking behind his glass sliding doors and moving so slowly. His motions became artificial, focused and unnatural — from grabbing coffee from the lobbyist's desk to deciding to suck it up and visit Julian.
It's as if he was calculating his every move, trying to determine the safe route, the less destructive way. In a way, he had become a different kind of fire as compared to Parents' Night; his flames never escaped him to inflict others anymore.
Logan had a knack for being numb during the roughest times. But Julian never once saw Logan's eyes glaze with a medical haze after Hell Night.
The green eyes were only laced with pain and his own tortuous fire instead.
"You alright?" The words are cut, the syllables sharp. He hadn't even bothered to ask a correctly formed question. Logan means to be reassuring and a good friend. But it didn't take three years and an incident as enormous as this for his brain to say that he hasn't ever been. Wouldn't he just be a hypocrite if he started now?
Still, when he notices that Julian's eyes don't even flash with hurt, he realizes that he's had it backwards all along. His best friend has been hurt all along — so naturally, he couldn't notice any sign of it. All Logan knows is that this is his fault.
Logan's been hurting Julian for as long as he can remember, intentionally or not, and it's the first time since Hell Night that he feels like he physically cannot breathe.
Julian, the liar, the selfless, the hurt, just smirks. He smirks and his lips move and say, "I will be" but all Logan hears is "I hate you" and he feels like complete shit.
In Logan's fourth visit since Hell Night to Julian's room (approximately 2 weeks and 3 days), Julian is sleeping.
He's sleeping and the prefect has always called him a brilliant actor.
And this actor in his sleep?
Worry lines, muscle twitches, intermingled words that are frequently murmured. He's in pain during one of his favorite activities.
Logan had been doing a great job at convincing himself to feel everything and it's pain but this was rapidly becoming unbearable for him. The green-eyed teen just waits in the chair on the side, simply wanting one thing at the moment.
To get rid of his pain by taking away Julian's instead.
In the fifth visit, Logan scolds his own luck for coming the second time in the row while his friend was sleeping.
Julian wakes up ten minutes later after Logan settles in, and his eyes fly open and the sound released from his throat is a loud and inhuman outcry. Logan gasps in alert until he realizes that it's Julian who was making the plea, those cries in his throat sounded so fragile, so worn — so unlike the Julian he used to know.
The nurses rush in at the sound, fairly accustomed and hardly surprised. A quick needle is pressed into his arms, and Logan should have payed more attention in health class and he might know what it is. He doesn't question them though, and soon enough, the brunet falls silent. On his cheeks, tired tear tracks make their way down his face until they stop and leave a slight trail of pain.
It's then, that the haze in Julian's sepia eyes, makes him want to be numb. Sighing in understanding at the gaze, Logan stands up, clutching his coat in one arm. He sends a bitter smile towards the guilty, and walks over to press a light kiss to the actor's forehead.
"Next time, I want you to yell at me, okay?" Logan speaks softly, trying to penetrate the ignorance and bliss in the lighter shade of sepia.
Julian just winds up nodding, not even managing a smile, seeing as he didn't fully understand what the blond was saying. But Logan doesn't bother and turns to spin out of the room, his movements less planned than the days before.
The next day, Logan hesitates to step in Julian's room. Through the glass he can see Julian wide awake and fidgeting with the TV remote.
It takes his breath away and he hasn't fallen in love with three other guys for him to not know what the start of that means.
But Julian Larson is far more terrifying, especially when he doesn't deserve him.
The door clicks open and Logan's fear is affronted when Julian's head snaps up and looks directly at him.
"Hey," Logan says softly, his mind silently asking the actor if he remembers yesterday at all, if he remembers all that he needs to say.
"Hi."
"Uh, Derek is looking good. The doctors say he will probably be out by tomorrow," The prefect informs, not conscious of his hands restlessly tapping his thigh.
"That's good," Julian says, relief etched into his voice only a little. It's just one less thing for him to feel bad about. His fingers curl around the top of the blanket as he shifts his legs to a more comfortable position. The bed whirs loudly as he raises it to a higher sitting placement.
A silence passes between the two teens in the room until Logan, the imposer, the one who always made the first move, decides he could say, "Go ahead."
Julian laughs hollowly, remembering the blond's words from yesterday perfectly. He swallows and clears his throat, "I don't know what you want me to say. I can't act this out anymore."
"Tell me you hate me, tell me to leave you alone. Julian, tell me I don't deserve you because if you don't say that—" Logan's voice cracks and he quickly turns his back to the actor, looking out the window, his only view a parking lot of cars going nowhere.
"You don't," Julian says, like it's the only thing he knows, the one single most obvious thing in the room besides their pain. "You're an asshole, Logan." Julian stands up, and Logan turns his head quickly around at the sight of Julian leaving his bed.
"No, what are you doing — stay in—" Logan starts, eyes widening as Julian stumbles over to him, his IV cord splaying across the bed. The blond rushes over immediately, offering his arms as a source of stability. Julian grips onto Logan's forearm, looking up at his green eyes tiredly.
"I hate you. Leave me alone," Julian says in monotone, the words never reaching his eyes. And then he just lowers his head, looking away from Logan's now bright and watering eyes. "Lo, why — why are you doing this now?"
In a matter of seconds, Julian is shaking against Logan, his arms raised into fists, using his strength to pound on the blond's chest relentlessly.
"I'm too good for you!" Julian screams, his voice taking on a different level of pain, a direct infliction on Logan, who is no longer calm as he gasps for air.
"I know!" Logan shouts back, raising Julian's chin gently to meet his eye level. "I know you are."
"It's not fair," He whispers, his voice finally hoarse from all the yelling and constricting muscles in his throat for the past two weeks. "I love you too much."
"I don't know how to give you everything," Logan admits, bringing his face closer to the brunet's. "I never will, but I'm going to try because you deserve that. It's — it's not about me anymore."
"O—okay," Julian agrees softly, not saying anymore protests, not saying any other forms of words because he still notices how Logan's hands shake down at his sides, before they wrap around his waist. "Oh," Julian blinks in surprise at the feel of Logan's chest against his.
It makes Logan smile softly and laugh as he can finally breathe after days of second-guessing. "Is that a yes?"
Julian grins at the sight of Logan's smile, the first sincere motion he's seen since Hell Night. His sepia eyes shine brighter, the dull glaze being erased and he tip-toes leaning closer to Logan.
"It's me saying that you deserve this too," He settles on saying, the meaningful glance being held in Logan's direction.
With that, Logan leans down and Julian tilts up and their lips meet together, and in Julian's mind, the screams all die out.