AN: Hi everybody! If you've been following me and are wondering why I'm posting stuff again after two years, feel free to check out my profile for the whole sad story.
This is also posted on my AO3 account. And the title comes from the song "Cough Syrup".
Enjoy!
"What'd I do?"
He doesn't remember what happened, but he doesn't need to. He knows exactly why his arm is in a vice, why Wilson looks so on edge and Steve looks so tired. It's not like he's surprised or anything. Of course someone hijacked his brain. It was only a matter of time, really. He's used to it by now. He's used to being used, used to being whatever people need him to be. He's even missed it, that feeling of knowing exactly what he was supposed to be doing and not having to worry about anything else. He's missed being needed at all, really; sometimes he's even caught himself almost missing Hydra. Being their lab rat wasn't easy, but sometimes being alone is harder.
Being alone is still easier than trying to be Bucky.
"I can't control their fear."
She's used to being manipulated. She's used to people telling her anything, lying to her, to get what they want. "You'll be helping your country." "We'll build a better world." "We will protect you." And for some reason she keeps believing them; it's just easier that way. So when Clint says that Captain America needs them, she hesitates for a moment, but only a moment. If she has to choose between a battle or being locked in a tower she'll choose the battle every time. Because it's better to be needed than to be useless. It's better to be fighting than to be sitting around listening to all the different people on TV call her a monster and a murderer.
Because she keeps believing them, too.
He knows who she is, of course, and he's seen what she can do. She saved his life at the airport, and helped give him and Steve the chance to escape. She gave up her freedom to do it, too. He's already added that to his list of things to feel guilty about.
So, yes, he's well aware of who she is, and he understands why they think she can fix his brain. He doesn't understand why they think he'll let her try.
He's been arguing with Steve about it for an hour now, repeating the same things over and over. It's too dangerous, she's got enough to deal with already, there has to be some other way, just put me back in cryo again. The doctors finally gave up and left him and Steve to it, but she's been standing there silently the whole time, watching him. Studying him.
Finally he snaps and practically growls, "I don't want her to go in my head."
Steve sighs and turns to Wanda to apologize, but she cuts him off. "Why don't you go tell T'Challa that your friend is awake?"
Steve seems surprised, but when she doesn't move or say anything else he leaves the room.
He's tense. Rationally, he knows there's no need to be. She won't hurt him. But he still watches her carefully as she takes a few steps forward. He braces himself for a new argument.
"What should I call you?" she asks.
It catches him so off guard that he just stares at her stupidly.
"What should I call you?" She repeats. "Mr. Barnes, or..."
"Bucky," he answers once he understands. She nods seriously, and he's oddly touched.
"Well, Bucky," she says. "I believe Steve is approaching this the wrong way. How can you be expected to trust me enough to allow me to go into your mind when you do not even know me? Or what my powers are capable of?"
He thinks he should say something about her saving his life, thank her probably, but he's too emotionally drained to think about all that anymore right now. So he lets the moment pass.
"I can do this," she says, "I can help you. And I do not think there will ever be a better way." She speaks with so much conviction that a tiny, traitorous part of him wants to agree with her.
"But," she continues, "These things cannot be rushed. I know Steve misses you, but that does not mean we should not proceed carefully."
"What exactly are you saying?" he asks. He's too tired to work it out, just wants the conversation to end.
"I am saying that you should not make a decision now. Think about it, perhaps get to know me better, gain a better understanding of my powers, and then decide."
He's staring at her again. He's suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude, and he wants to tell her. Tell her how grateful he is that she's not trying to pressure him, that she genuinely seems to care about what he wants. He doesn't understand why she would care, but he's grateful anyway.
She turns to leave before he can figure out how to put the words together, though.
"Wait" he finally manages, stopping her just before she walks out the door. "What am I supposed to call you?"
She actually smiles for the first time that he's ever seen. "My name is Wanda."
Later, he promises himself that the next time he sees Wanda, he'll thank her. For everything.
Wanda waits to make a move for a long time. And she's not sure why. Bucky's handsome, obviously, ridiculously so, and she knows that he finds her attractive, but that hardly even enters into it. They understand each other so well, and he's the only person she's ever known that she can talk to for hours on end. She's told him things she's never told anyone else, like how red isn't her favorite color anymore and how before her parents were killed she had dreams of being a doctor. He respects her powers but still watches her back. He does his best to help her through her nightmares, even on the nights when his are worse. But above all, Bucky trusts her completely, isn't scared of her and never has been.
Wanda knows that she'll have to make the first move, be the one to bring it up, but she waits. For what, she's not exactly sure, but the moment never seems quite right, and she can never quite make herself say the words.
Finally she decides that words are overrated anyway and just kisses him. He stiffens, and for a moment she's terribly afraid that she's read everything wrong and crossed a line and she should have said something first Oh God.
But then Bucky actually relaxes for once and wraps both his arms around her, pulling her in close.
They don't tell the others until Tony confronts them about it at the holiday party (they may have all made peace but that doesn't mean that Tony Stark has learned how to be tactful). Steve is beaming and Sam looks smug, like he knew all along, and Natasha of course really did know all along. None of the others seem all that surprised except Pietro. Whenever Bucky even looks at Wanda over the next few days, Pietro will speed in out of nowhere and hover protectively. Wanda is annoyed, but Bucky doesn't really seem to mind. When she asks why he reminds her quietly that he had a sister once.
She feels terrible for forgetting.
He carefully packs his bag, making sure nothing gets left behind. Clothes, money, weapons, everything he needs to get away for a while, to get some air. He won't be gone long, maybe a few weeks. Maybe a couple of months. The thought of coming back here exhausts him, and he hasn't even left yet.
He's so focused on not forgetting anything that he doesn't even really register Wanda's presence until she asks, "So where are we going?"
Her arms are crossed and she's got her own bag thrown over her shoulder. She seems a little uncertain, though, and he knows that if he tells her he wants to go by himself she won't put up a fight.
He looks her over, thinks about it for a minute. He feels like he should be protesting: he can take care of himself, he doesn't need her to come with him, he just needs some space, he'll be fine. But that would be lying, wouldn't it?
Then, belatedly, it dawns on him that she didn't try to convince him not to leave, didn't try to guilt him into staying. And that she's been sitting there watching him think without trying to rush him or influence him in any way. And he's reminded of how careful Wanda is to respect his wishes and his boundaries, and to always give him the chance to make his own decisions. How she stands up for him and supports him and how patient she is with him. How she tries so hard to take care of him and help him get better. And how he wants to do the same for her.
Something in his expression must give him away, because Wanda starts smiling.
"Well, I've always wanted to see the Grand Canyon," Bucky finally says.